Keeping the House Clean...

[MNDad]

I'll make this quick and to-the-point. I am fighting a losing battle trying to keep the house clean, laundry done, etc. I try to break the chores up between my wife and me, but she basically just doesn't do hers. When it comes to cleaning, I feel like I'm taking care of two kids - the actual child and my wife!

What complicates the matter is that I don't work a typical 9-5 M-F schedule. I work some evenings until 9 p.m. and usually work Saturdays. I have Sundays and one other day off during the week. So I'm not here to really clean WITH her, which might be what she needs to get motivated.

How do some of you do it? Today is my day off and I have about five hours to get all the laundry done along with surface cleaning, de-cluttering, and vacuuming. I won't be able to get to washing the floors today. But it's frustrating that I have to do all of it. My wife knows I'm frustrated, but she just doesn't seem to care. She's just more sloppy than I am, I guess. I don't feel my standards are that high, so it's not like I'm saying it needs to be sparkling at every moment.

Any advice so I can avoid eating up my entire day off with cleaning?

 

[NancyM]

Ohhh that sounds so frustrating. I understand because I'm the 'cleaner' around here too. My hubby and son aren't quite as neat as me.

Does your wife work outside the home as well? Have you discussed it with her?

I've learned that some people think they're really straightening up and keeping the place clean even though I think it's a sloppy mess.

I've decided it's actually me. I like everything in it's place all the time, and they don't think of it as much as I do, so maybe they're not really slobs.

I kind of handle it this way, there are times out of the year when I work a different schedule and my hours are usually very long so during that time, I can't do IT all.

I let the boys know that I'm working hard again, and I need help, I don't say it over and over, I let them know that I'm not able to do everything than I just kind of make sure I get my own laundry done, and keep my things in order, and I take care of basic things they need. Other than that they can wash anything else they need, and clean up as much or as little as they want as long as it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

Another words, I let it go for the most part. Not everything has to be in order 24/7 and it's their home too, as long as it's not dirty and the they contain their 'sloppyness' in their own area, I really don't care. (as long as I don't smell anything funky that is)

Everyone gets at least 2 days a week off, I do think however you should have at least one day where you can really rest, and not do much of anything.

I think you should let some of the laundry go...just leave it there and just clean the basic surfaces like kitchen counter tops and table for now, let the rest wait.

 

[mom2many]

Is she a sahm or does she work?

 

[MNDad]

She works outside the home 8:30-5 M-F. She basically comes home and does nothing. The house is a hybrid of messy and dirty. Messy I can *tolerate* - dirty I cannot. I am taking the advice of doing only my own laundry (and DSS's too), and keeping surfaces clean. Maybe if I allow the messes in my wife's space to get bad enough, she'll do something about it...? Hopefully. I just don't want to continue spending BOTH of my days off doing cleaning. I can only get so much done on workdays.

 

[Xero]

You guys really need to work this out as a couple. You need to have a serious talk letting her know that what she is doing is wrong and it's making you unhappy. Speak your mind, let out your feelings. If she honestly does not care about what you are telling her, you both might want to stop and think what's wrong with your relationship.

 

[jack123]

Instead of dividing the tasks, try dividing it as your cleaning days. You clean up everything on one days and let her do the other day. See if it bothers her to see the house dirty. Also tell her that not cleaning is going to have a bad impact on the home environment and your kid also wont learn the importance of cleanliness and discipline.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I agree with Xero, you two need to have a sit down and work this out. I think if you just start doing your own laundry it could get ugly. It does give the impression that you are not in this together and will further divide you in the long run in my opinion.

If you have a sit down and let her know how overwhelmed you feel, and that YOU are feeling like you guys aren't in this together when all of the household responsibilities seem to fall on you, maybe she will step up. I'm talking about a sit down...not just the little comments that you may throw here and there.

I have to admit... my husband currently does most of the household stuff right now. He works a hell of a lot less than I do and has more time at home to get things done. I usually only have one day off and I can be a pretty lazy bum that day. I usually do one 'project' on my day off. And it usually involves the 'dump pile' my husband has made throughout the week

Maybe the two of you should spend some quality time ALONE. Relationships need upkeep too. Spending some quality time together will help you two feel like you are in it together.

 

[akmom]

Cleaning is the fastest way to get burnt out. My husband and I both hate cleaning, but we both like a neat and sanitary place to live, so we pretty much just bribe each other until it's all done. I can do one load of dishes or one load of laundry during the kids' naps (I don't work), and so I alternate. If anything else needs done, it has to wait until my husband comes home and holds the kids at bay. Otherwise I'll spend too much time fetching lost toys, assisting with potty use, refilling sippy cups, and redirecting distractions to make any headway.

In the end, one of us will just bribe the other to do all of the work that day. I'll usually bribe him with a massage, or he'll bribe me by promising to pick up a special drink (with kids in tow, so I can actually succeed). For some reason, it's easier to get it done when you feel like you're getting some external reward for it. I guess that's pretty immature, but it works and it keeps the peace.

Maybe offer your wife a massage or a frappuccino if she gets the place spotless? My husband and I will actually negotiate such deals. Standard massage is 30 minutes, but if it's a real pig stye that day, "I'll do it for an hour-long massage, no less!"

 

[MNDad]

Thank you everyone for your very honest replies!

We had an actual sit-down, and it went well. I pointed out all of the things I do around the house, and as it turns out, she basically didn't realize what she WASN'T doing because I was already doing it all. Sort of like the cleaning fairy came or something.

So we agreed to divide up the chores by taking on the things we don't mind. It was great because we learned that I actually don't mind cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, but she HATES those things and would rather vacuum, dust and clean the kitchen. So those are our basic chores. For now we've set up days of the week to keep each other accountable.

Thanks again!

 

[jack123]

Hi MNDad. Glad to had the talk and it worked out well. Dividing is a great idea. This way both of you can be equally responsible. Sometimes we should just have the talk which we tend to avoid as it solves a lot of problems without complicating them further, and saves a hell lot of stress.