letting my "dad" in my life...

[superman]

so growing up ive never had a dad, it was my mom who done the raising with me. he left apparently when he found out mom was pregnant with me. i believe it was june 3 last month i was working and my supervisor came over told me somebody wanted to speak to me. long story short we talked for a short time because i had to get back to work, he told me he was my dad and hed been wanting to get in touch with me for awhile & that hed been living in the township next to mine. (my mom always told me he was living in texas & had another family). i was just bout to walk away from him because he was wasting my time but he was pushin to give me his info at contacting him.
im just not sure if i should contact him. all my life i used to wish n hope that my dad would show up n i used to wonder why he didnt want me. now some of u may know that i got a son of my own who doesnt have a grand dad so this is a factor thats been contributing to my confusion bout this situation. i feel like a grand dad is important to all little kids. i got all this pissed off attitude towards this guy. i dont get why he decides to wait till im 20 years old, got a life, got a kid and he comes in and jerks my chain after all the stuff that went down w/ me growin up. specially since hes been livin this god damn close to me for how long. i havent told my mom or no one because i dont want her gettin all rattled over him gettin in touch with me. i wasnt plannin on asking but this has been harder then i expected. what i dont want happening is i trust him, he comes in my life then he leaves again. i dont wanna go through that AND have my son go through that feeling like hes not good enough.

sorry that was long but i told all the details of what i feel. if u were in my shoes what would u do?
thankyou.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I would give him a chance, but be cautious. Try and get to know him, for both ur sons and ur own sake, and just take it slow and see where it goes. Good luck

 

[Choppy]

That's a tough one.

The good thing is that you're an adult now and are in a position to establish the ground rules for whatever relationship you would be willing to pursue.

You may just want to meet privately and ask a few important questions to get some answers to anything you may have wanted to know over the years.

I agree with being cautious though. Make sure you figure out why he's chosen now to make contact with you if you plan to interact with him at all.

 

[superman]

u guys think i should let this guy in.. EVEN though he was livin right near me and hell he could of known what was goin on the whole time with my life?

im not meanin to drag this on... its just a big trust thing with me right now.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I know it's hard, believe me I do.

I'm not saying you have to forgive him. But it's he wants to be in your life now, and you are even thinking you want him in yours, then you need to give him a chance.

Ask him every question you have about him, why he left, why he didn't want you, why he didn't look for you before. All the questions you have.

If you don't trust him DO NOT let him in your son's life. And I wouldn't let him see your son until you've known him for quite a while, trust him and know he's not just going to walk out of your sons life once he see's him.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

^^^^^What Fo7 said^^^^^ he can always word things better than I can! lol.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Only because i'm old

 

[singledad]

First of all, Fo7 - you're only two years older than me so don't call yourself old, cause then you're calling me old to . LOL.

Superman - I can only agree with what's been said. You don't have to immediately decide to make him a part of your life, but it can be a good thing for both of you to sit down and get some answers. At the very least you'll get some closure. At worst you can spend an hour with him and decide that you still hate his guts, in which case you don't have to see him again. I think that after 20 years of non-involvement from his side, you don't owe him anything. I definitely second the thought of not introducing him to your son until he has proved himself trustworthy.

In a nutshell - you don't have to trust him until he has earned your trust, and that can take as long as it needs to. Don't feel preasured to build a relationship - let it develop at a pace at which you feel comfortable. He's had his chance - this time you get to call the shots.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

hahaha oh please F07...ur in better shape then my 25 yr old husband.

 

[IADad]

another old guy checking in here.

Consider that all you know about him is what you've come to know. You don't know why he left or why he didn't try to contact you. Like the others said, you don't have to let him in, but now that you're in control, maybe you should get some questions answered. You don't have to let him into your sons life until and you can establish some trust with him. You're absolutely correct to be cautious. Go meet him for breakfast, someplace public, see what his story is, then decide if you want to see him another time, etc. Neither of you can erase 20 years in a single meeting, and in the end you control what happens.

 

[1mom.4kids]

I agree with everyone. This is your chance to get questions answered and get whatever closure you may need. I really don't have anything to add, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I am wishing you and your son the best.

 

[superman]

thanks guys i really appreciate the answers. i decided i am gonna contact him later tonight n set up some sort of meeting with him. well see how it goes eh..

 

[IADad]

whatever you do, DON't meet him for a beer...you don't need alcohol clouding anyone's judgement or actions, okay? JMHO

 

[mom2many]

I see you made up your mind but I will still throw my 2 cents out there.

Remember there are always two sides to every story. It may very well be he has waited this long to respect your mothers wishes. There are so may reason he hasn't contacted you......

But you will never know unless you talk to him.

 

[superman]

IADAD: lol man thats what i was thinkin in the first place just at a pub or somethin. but you make a good point (even though i wouldnt be drinkin lots lol).

mom2many: yeah thats what i been thinkin. theres always 2 sides to the story right

 

[sbattisti]

whatever you do, DON't meet him for a beer...you don't need alcohol clouding anyone's judgement or actions, okay? JMHO

Agree with this.

I also agree that you should take it slow. Sort of like dating - make the first few meetings very limited, and even in public. A cup of coffee, something like that. That way, you can get to know him, but gradually, and you can take time to process your feelings without, say, getting stuck on a camping trip.

I agree with not letting him into your son's life until he's proven he can stay in yours.

I'm sure he has his own reasons for not being in touch, but at least consider this:

Have you ever lied to someone? And then, when confronted, you lied about it again? Once you've done that, how much harder does it get to tell the truth? The longer you lie, the harder and harder it gets to tell the truth.

Now picture that you're him, and you're not in your son's life, for whatever reason (maybe, for example, he was messed up on drugs, and thought YOU would be better off without him; who knows?). A year goes by, then two, then five. Each year, how much harder do you think it would get for him to reach out, to have to explain that absence? I'm not saying that's great logic - just that it's probably a powerful factor in why he stayed away for so long.

Let us know what happens!

~s

 

[superman]

Agree with this.

I also agree that you should take it slow. Sort of like dating - make the first few meetings very limited, and even in public. A cup of coffee, something like that. That way, you can get to know him, but gradually, and you can take time to process your feelings without, say, getting stuck on a camping trip.

I agree with not letting him into your son's life until he's proven he can stay in yours.

I'm sure he has his own reasons for not being in touch, but at least consider this:

Have you ever lied to someone? And then, when confronted, you lied about it again? Once you've done that, how much harder does it get to tell the truth? The longer you lie, the harder and harder it gets to tell the truth.

Now picture that you're him, and you're not in your son's life, for whatever reason (maybe, for example, he was messed up on drugs, and thought YOU would be better off without him; who knows?). A year goes by, then two, then five. Each year, how much harder do you think it would get for him to reach out, to have to explain that absence? I'm not saying that's great logic - just that it's probably a powerful factor in why he stayed away for so long.

Let us know what happens!

~s

so i called him n his wife or girlfriend picked up or something, i told him i wanted to meet up with him n tallk. so we are gonna meet tmmrw night for a coffee lmao.
yeah well im not gonna give him the benefit of the doubt right now..like dont get me wrong im real pumped to meet him but really wary bout him u know. ill let u guys know what goes down tmmrw.

 

[NancyM]

I know I'm here late. I'm wondering how everything went with your meeting. I hope it was decent, and you got some answers.

Did you tell your mom yet?

 

[IADad]

I know I'm here late. I'm wondering how everything went with your meeting. I hope it was decent, and you got some answers.

Did you tell your mom yet?

Should he tell his mom?

This seems a little like this is a matter between two consenting adults. What point it there to telling mom, other than to potentially make her angry or hurt? The only way I can see him making a point of telling his mom, is if it doesn't go well, then maybe just to tell her thanks. Otherwise, i don't get it.

Is it just a mom perspective thing? help me with this.

 

[Xero]

Well, I think it depends on what kind of relationship he has with his mom. That could be a yes or no thing IMO.