Losing my patience...

[fritam]

I am new to the forum. I thought I would join because I have been having a hard time keeping my cool with my 3-year-old and 5-year-old lately. Usually things will progress as follows:

Either child: I would like yogurt now.
Me: No yogurt now, since we're eating dinner in an hour.
Either child: I want yogurt NOW!
Me: Not now, maybe later.

This goes on with the only difference being that their voices rise exponentially, and I will try to be patient until I will finally raise my voice at them. At that point, they will cry hysterically, and I will feel awful. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. As the situation escalates, I keep thinking that I should have let them have the stupid yogurt to begin with. But once I say no, I try not to relent, since I know that that will encourage future tantrums.

Any tips for handling these kinds of situations? Are you pretty permissive to begin with, so that the kids generally get what they want and only rarely do you say no? Do you have any strategies that you use for not getting angry at the end? I want to be seen as a strong role model, and I think these interactions are undermining that. I am not naturally a terribly patient person, so I can use any advice you have to offer.

Thanks!

 

[Wickett]

They're playing you like a fine tuned fiddle. Kids are sharp, and kids test out what they can and cannot get by with. They will try you every step of the way until they learn that you won't fall for it, and that doesn't take but a couple of times of holding your ground. Whether that's simply being stern and saying No, or appropriate punishment, in whatever way you do it.

The first problem is how they let you know they want yogurt.

Incorrect: "I would like yogurt now."
Correct: "Can I have some yogurt please?"

The next time one of them tries this, using that first incorrect sentence, correct them and let them know that's not how you go about letting you know they want yogurt. Teach them that is the polite way to do it, and if they give you back talk, remember that being a parent, in the end, phrases like "You heard me" and "Because I said so" are really okay. The buck stops with you, and they need to learn that. If you tell them they can't have yogurt, and there's a simple reason why (such as meal time soon coming) let them know what it is. It's not about being a bully or a know-it-all, it's about teaching. Teaching can come in the form of explaining why, and establishing that you are the boss and who they are to listen to. If they start getting rebellious and shouting "I want it NOW", well, in my book, that's a light pop on the lips with my hand. That doesn't fly with me. Don't physically hurt them of course, just get their attention. The first time you put your foot down like this, they're going to cry. It is at this point where you need to remember <I>why</I> they are crying. Are they crying because you hurt them either emotionally or physically making you a mean person, and thus damaging them and your relationship with them? No. They're crying because they didn't get their way, a way that is bad for them, and you know that it is bad for them. That's the difference in perspective between you as the adult, and them as the child. Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty. Let them cry it out, and stand your ground. If you've let them get by with this a few times in the past, then it could take a few times of this to weed it out, but in time, it'll get a lot smoother. Especially if you use this procedure with other things as well. Kids need and crave structure, and that starts with their primary pillar, you.

 

[page16]

Either child: I want yogurt NOW!

That wouldn't fly with me - at all.
My reaction would be: "No yogurt for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, try and ask it nicely."
The tantrum following this would be completely ignored.

 

[singledad]

When a request escalates into a tantrum, it is usually because the child doesn't feel heard. I have found that the key to getting my dd to listen to me is to get down to her level, touch her shoulder and make sure that there is eye contact before I start talking. That means she is focused on my words. It also means that she knows I heard her and paid attention to her request, so there's is no need to escalate.

Secondly, I don't know if the yogurt thing is just an example or if it is a regular issue, but an hour is a long time for a hungry toddler. Perhaps they can have a healthy snack a little earlier, early enough to not spoil their appetites for dinner, but enough to keep them from getting too hungry?

 

[fritam]

Thank you to those who posted. I really appreciate your feedback. Wickett, that was an especially good point about the fact that my kids aren't crying because they are hurt (emotionally or physically), but rather because they didn't get what they want. It makes it easier to think of it that way.

Singledad, that is an interesting point about an hour being too long. That had not at all occurred to me. My kids have a snack around 230p at school, come home at 3p and are allowed one snack (that they choose). We then eat dinner at 5p. In my mind, that seemed to be plenty of snacking, but maybe not.

That was also a good tip about discussing it at eye level. That might help with the escalating and might prevent me from getting so upset, as well.

 

[Wickett]

Thank you to those who posted. I really appreciate your feedback. Wickett, that was an especially good point about the fact that my kids aren't crying because they are hurt (emotionally or physically), but rather because they didn't get what they want. It makes it easier to think of it that way.

Singledad, that is an interesting point about an hour being too long. That had not at all occurred to me. My kids have a snack around 230p at school, come home at 3p and are allowed one snack (that they choose). We then eat dinner at 5p. In my mind, that seemed to be plenty of snacking, but maybe not.

That was also a good tip about discussing it at eye level. That might help with the escalating and might prevent me from getting so upset, as well.

Glad we could help sir. I hope you and your children can develop a happy and healthy relationship with one another. Please let us know how this progresses.

 

[BellaBabyBoutiq]

Wickett you are totally wise...I agree...stick to your guns parents...you need to be strong and not allow manipulation. A simple, " No yogurt, it's dinnertime." Would be all I would say and I would ignore whining.:v_SPIN:

That being said perhaps a more filling snack would help like an apple or something with some fiber (granola bar) to hold them over might be more appropriate.

 

[babybibsplus]

If they are getting two snacks in the afternoon that is plenty. They need to have some form of punishment for their behavior. Take away games, tv time or something and let them know that this will happen every time they act like that. Tell them they need to ask and not demand and give them example of a demand and a question. You need to be consistant and punish them every time and don't give in to the crying because that is their way of getting what they want. They know that you feel bad when they do that