major advice needed on step daughter PLEASE...

[lizzy74]

Hi all
gosh where do i start, I am married and have an 18yr old son from a previous relationship, my husband has two children daughter 13 son 11 from a previous relationship and we have a 6yr old son together.
We have been together for nearly 8 years and since being together we had his two children every other weekend.
about 3 years ago my step daughter started saying that she wanted to come and live with us, to cut a long story short we went down the legal route and gained a residency order for both children (must state that their mother wasn't cruel to them just not there for them emotionally). they started living with us on a permanent basis in april 2010.
Things were fine for the first year or so but just lately my step daughter has started getting into trouble at school, we started taking away luxury items like mobile/laptop etc, after confiscating her laptop we logged into her facebook account and to say we were shocked was an understatement, at 13yrs of age she had been having what i can only describe as cyber sex and sending pictures of herself to boys at school. couldn't help but blame ourselves for not regulating her usage of facebook but at 13 never dreamed she would be up to such a thing.
we went up to the school and discussed things with her form tutor etc.
she has always seemed to have a bit of a gripe with me but i just thought this was to be expected from a stepdaughter and it would get better but OH NO
A couple of months ago she threw a bottle at me! she calls me names and tells me she hates me.
today it has kicked off again after she was grounded by her dad for her attitude and somehow it all ended up to be my fault, she went for me 3 times with her fists and when her younger brother tried to tell her to calm down she punched him full on in the face, i really am at my wits end and dont know what to do,i shouldnt have to put up with physical violence,nor should my 6yr old have to witness it. she has no luxury items left to confiscate and it doesn't seem to bother her, myself and my husband try to talk to her but she's not interested we shout at her she just shouts back.
thinking about counselling maybe?
has anybody else been in this situation and how did it work out
getting desperate i fear its going to drive a wedge between my husband and me

many thanks in advance:wacko:

 

[mom2many]

counseling would be the first step, also recognize that at 13 she is going to be an emotional wreck. I am not excusing the behavior just want you to recognize that for some kids this is the age where things will go down hill.

 

[cybele]

It is a tough age, Sunny is doing the whole "no one understands me, I am almost an adult, I can make my own descisions and I know everything" thing at the moment.

Counselling may help, some kids adapt to a new household and new family well, others dont, it is a big change to make, especially at that age, and unfortunately, you probably are the easy target as the step-mother (and lets face, it society loves to make the step-parents out as the bad guys, even when they are not, just look at recent threads here)

Hopefully with some outside help she will be able to learn to express herself a bit more.

With the cyber-sex, maybe she dosent need access to a laptop until she can use it responsibly, because at the moment she isnt. We had a "send the naked pictures" incident, not in our home, but with Dita's partner over a year back and we ended up having a discussion with the older two about what is classed as child pornography and how it dosent matter what the age of the person who produces it is, it still is what it is, and how having those images out there may cause you problems in your future. Once something is out on the internet, it never goes away.

 

[lizzy74]

HI
she currently has no internet access at all and her facebook account has been deleted.
I know this age for a girl is a horible time and hormones are all over the place, she started her periods about 6 months ago and had hoped she might calm down a bit or at least we'll be able to forecast when she will be "moody" but she just seems to be worse.
I also appreciate that i am the adult and she is the child but she is so hurtful and spiteful with her words sometimes.
She's under the impression that she just has to say the word and her dad (my husband) will leave me and i feel that low at the minute that its looking a more attractive option

 

[BabyAngel]

Make sure that you and your husband are on the same lenght about what needs to happen, go at it as a team. Don't let the child get between the two of you.

also, not having been there (take it with a grain of salt), I don't think it would be much different if you were her biological mother. Of course she feels she has something on you since you are "just" a step-mom... it's probably one of her only amunition !!

I would suggest trying to stop the screaming at her altogether, show her that you are an adult and you can be cool about anything. Physical violence is unacceptable, same for the "cyber sex" thing. Grounding is something else you might have to try... but not excessively !

Others will have better recommendations, but these are my thoughts right now !

good luck

 

[IADad]

HI
she currently has no internet access at all and her facebook account has been deleted.
I know this age for a girl is a horible time and hormones are all over the place, she started her periods about 6 months ago and had hoped she might calm down a bit or at least we'll be able to forecast when she will be "moody" but she just seems to be worse.
I also appreciate that i am the adult and she is the child but she is so hurtful and spiteful with her words sometimes.
She's under the impression that she just has to say the word and her dad (my husband) will leave me and i feel that low at the minute that its looking a more attractive option

Sorry you're down about it, I can understand. I can see how you are a female intrusion in the interest from her dad. No matter how lovely and giving you are, she may always harbor some resentment, even if absolutely none is warranted. So, unfortunately as the step parent, you have to accept and work within those realities.

Ultimately, whether you can do it on your own or through counseling, you have to connect with her. I think you need to eventually prove to her that you love her, care about her well-being and happiness, in short, that you are on her side, not the opposition. Are there times when she's not so confrontational, that you can have a quiet one on one talk with her.

Also about no internet access and no FB account, don't be surprised if she hasn't circumvented you already. If she really wants her cyber life, she's going to get it, whether on a friends computer or phone, whatever, she'll get there. So, moving away from just prohibition and into some kid of resultion is really time-sensitive.

Good luck, we're pulling for you.

 

[Crazylife2231]

Boy, can I relate, except the situation is between my fiancee and my daughter, who is 14. She says mean and spiteful things to both of us and is setting the ultimatum of "it's me or him". It's SO hard to handle these things - for both the step-parent and the parent. He feels hurt, I feel extremely disappointed that my daughter is choosing to be so volatile....it makes me think I went wrong somewhere as a parent.
Probably the only bit of wisdom I can give is that you have to continually reconnect with your husband. He is the one that is your support through this and you have to lighten the load through laughter and fun together....she can only drive a wedge between you if you let it. I've spoken to many adults that once raged as teenage girls and they eventually come to terms with their craziness, so I guess we have to follow one of my favrouite quotes from Finding Nemo..."...just keep swimming".)

 

[Mom2all]

quotes from Finding Nemo..."...just keep swimming".)

That describes life with a teenager to a tee!

All teenagers, for the most part, will play one parent against another. Throw in a "step child" ( I hate that term), but sometimes it gets even harder. For what ever reason, its harder to voice opinions if you think that your partner will see you as being critical. BUT you have to treat all the children the same in love and discipline.

My suggestion, and its worked for us, is to follow 3 rules always.

1. ALWAYS..ALWAYS...ALWAYS Stand together before the children. DO not let them think for one minute that you are not united in all decisions about them. Hold hands or sit together and face the teenager down together.

2. If you do disagree with each other.. discuss it away from the kids. Someone has to compromise.. but it should be between the two of you in private so again it appears that... ( refer to rule number 1) Start discussions with.. "I feel like..." not "you make me..."

3. Have a date night. Every week.. no kids. Doesn't matter what you do, dress up & go somewhere. AND ON THAT NIGHT... romance each other and problems with home are not talked about.. at all!