Moving

Dad2Three

New member
Mar 3, 2021
2
2
1
I have two daughters with my ex-wife. We have a 50/50 arrangement with our daughters, ages 6 and 9. We have been divorced for 3 years. My ex-wife remarried and then divorced, and is now married again to a man with his own 11 year old daughter. I have remarried and my wife is due to give birth in August. My wife has a PhD in English. She abandoned her career goals when she met me when she was finishing her PhD in the city where we live. She has expressed a desire to pursue that career and has been very depressed that she cannot find work where we live. She believes that if she opened her options to looking for an academic job in another city, somewhere near her hometown about 500 miles away in another state, she could find a job using personal connections she lacks here. For the past year she has been out of work since the call center where she last worked refused to accommodate her requests for social distancing so she quit. Thus not eligible for unemployment benefits. She has contemplating taking an entry level job at some non-profits doing clerical work here, but I know that would not make her happy or fulfilled. Being the sole breadwinner for over a year has been very stressful for me. We are living pay-check to pay-check and only getting by on the stimulus payments and tax refunds. I hate to ask my parents for any (more) money.

When we met, I led on for a few months like I would go anywhere with her. I had fallen madly in love. But I recanted on that and said I did not think I could give up the joint custody. I feel I have been the more involved and stable parent for my daughters. I worry turning them over to their mother would be very hard on them, and I would miss my parenting time with them dearly.

My wife is upset because she proposed moving without me, and raising the baby apart, with me staying here indefinitely. She is hurt that I would not choose to be a father to our baby because I am too committed to my life here.

I know that with all the technology available today, I could still be involved as a father to my daughters. That said, something would be lost. Something will be lost either way. If I tell my wife I cannot leave here, then she is limited in her vocation, which she is passionate about. She also wants to make a good income and contribute to our family's resources. She does not like having to ask me for every bit of spending.

I realize this is all something we should have worked through up front. I thought that fate would allow her to find something here. It has not, and she sees no prospects. She has applied to many jobs but has not been offered anything. She is considering unpaid opportunities as a means of getting her foot in the door, but we both know that those options are limited.

I'm mostly interesting in hearing comments from any other families who have faced a similar decision about moving, and leaving a joint parenting situation in order to find financial stability and fulfillment.

Thanks to all who respond in kindness.
 

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
67
4
8
USA
I don't entirely have the experience you're looking for but I have pieces of it.

I recently became a stay-at-home mom because my husband picked up some less than ideal work. It's taken him almost 6 months to find suitable work after finishing school because of the pandemic. We were hoping he could use his new bachelor's degree to find work he likes and makes good pay but those are far and few between. Many businesses cannot afford to hire someone with no first hand experience.

Is it possible your wife is experiencing what my husband is now which is a market with many candidates and businesses being very selective in their hiring process? IE is this potentially an issue that can be cleared up once the pandemic is over? That's what my husband and I are sort of counting on although we plan to move to a slightly smaller city within the state.

Also, how much of a support system do you have where you currently live? I can see her point moving closer to family who can help out with the kids.
 

Dad2Three

New member
Mar 3, 2021
2
2
1
Thank you for you time in response and your thoughts. Things are so much more complicated with divorce and joint custody. Wouldn't recommend it if it can be avoided. My wife would likely have opportunity to get a steady job at a small community college (teaching some virtually, some in class) due to hometown connections, but it would mean we would have to have a distanced relationship while she is pregnant. She might feel like there is less of a support system here. My family lives 1.5 hours away, hers 8, and best friends live away too.

P.S., seems we have decided to stay here for the time being. My wife re-enrolled in a graduate program for counseling, which is an interest of hers, and something I think she would be good at, so the decision of moving away for my kids has been kicked on down the road a bit, as they say.

Still would be interested to hear from others with similar stories!