My 15 year old son misunderstood me...

[Ariana]

Ok, so I have a son who is currently a freshman in highschool. He has extremely good grades, and I am always proud of him. He is taking 4 honors courses, and even an AP chemistry course with Seniors because he loves science a lot.

So recently, I got a report card from his school, and he had all A's but chemistry which was an 84, or a B. Now of course, I would never, ever think of punishing him for getting a B in a college chem class. I would be extremely happy and proud even if he just passed! But his first semester in chem, he got an A in chemistry, and his teacher said he was an amazing student.

I guess I didn't make it clear that he did amazing with his grades, because when I asked him what went different in his 3rd quarter than his 1st semester in chemistry, and why his grade dropped, he got really mad. He yelled, "You know what? If a *bleeping* B isn't good enough, I don't know why I even try anymore." He ran upstairs and slammed his door as hard as he could, and knocked a picture off a wall.

I'm not worried about him hating me, but I am worried if his stress levels are much too high if he would get extremely mad at such a little upset like that. How should I approach him with this, and explain to him that I was just asking, and am just as happy with a B as an A? He seems to think that I'm not proud of him anymore. Also, what should I do about how stressed out he is? I am thinking of suggesting him to take easier classes next year, but then he might think I am telling him he did too bad his first year!

Please help, he has been mad all weekend and this entire week.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I dont have a teenager, but what I would do is just sit down with him and just explain that he may have taken what you said that wrong way. that you are proud of how well he is doing, and his Chem class being an AP class, that you are just as happy about a B as you would be with an A. Just tell him your sorry, (maybe bribe him with something cool since he seems like such a smart and strong willed student). As for the stress, maybe take him somewhere to relax and unwind for a weekend, or get him tickets to a concert or Motocross (or whatever is available where you live). If I were him, I know I would definately love that! Good luck!

 

[Ariana]

Yep, he's going to go do something just like that next week. He is on spring break in a few days, and I'm letting him go with his friend and his friend's 25 year old brother skiing in Wyoming for a week. I'll talk to him tomorrow like you said, and hopefully the skiing trip will help his stress.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

thats great! hopefully he will relax and let lose, and feel better when he gets home

 

[stjohnjulie]

I would guess that he reacted that way because he is very disappointed in himself. Which he SHOULDN'T be! I too would talk to him about it. Apologize for having it come out the wrong way and stress how proud you are of him. I would also ask about how he handles the stress (because that has to be stressful).

My son isn't a teen yet, but he is very bright and if he gets a lower grade, and I ask about it, he handles it much the same way (without the cursing, he's only 9!). I think he feels a lot of pressure to have straight A's because academics is what he is good at.

Good luck! Hope he has a good time on spring brake and gets to unwind and be a kid for awhile.

 

[yeojungi]

I agree with Julie. He is probably mad at himself more than at you. He probably takes great pride in his academic excellence and he likely assumes that his worth depends on it. I think it's important to let him know you love him for who he is not for his academic achievement.

Also, I'd like to point out that it's a good thing to get a B or C in high school or even earlier. It's a wonderful learning opportunity. Many kids go to college never having received a B. They get mad and puzzled when they get their very first Bs and Cs in college. They would go to their professors and tell them they are straight A students and they cannot understand why they got the grade they got. Some even go further to say the test they fail must be flawed because they are smart and hard working. Being away from home for the first time, and knowing your parents are paying loads of money for your tuition make it even more difficult to handle the disappointing grades. Some colleges have inflated grades so much that there will be often straight A students; but rigorous colleges won't. So, better be prepared for the frustration now when he is still home and you are available to help him deal with it.

 

[IADad]

okay, I don't have a teen either...yet...sothis is likely a good warmup topic for me.

Consider that perhaps he was concerned about your reaction to the grade, that he had prepared a "comeback" for any comment on the grade and by god he was going to use it.

Once things have calmed a bit, I think you should be able to talk with him about how proud you are of him, always. You're not worried about grades and the only reason you talked about it was so he knows you care about him, you want him to be happy and sucessful and if there's anything you can do to help just let you know. Remind him that you're human too, if he's feeling pressure from you he needs to talk with you about it, buttossing something like that back in your face hurt too.

my 2 cents

 

[mrrobinson]

Ok, so I have a son who is currently a freshman in highschool. He has extremely good grades, and I am always proud of him. He is taking 4 honors courses, and even an AP chemistry course with Seniors because he loves science a lot.

So recently, I got a report card from his school, and he had all A's but chemistry which was an 84, or a B. Now of course, I would never, ever think of punishing him for getting a B in a college chem class. I would be extremely happy and proud even if he just passed! But his first semester in chem, he got an A in chemistry, and his teacher said he was an amazing student.

I guess I didn't make it clear that he did amazing with his grades, because when I asked him what went different in his 3rd quarter than his 1st semester in chemistry, and why his grade dropped, he got really mad. He yelled, "You know what? If a *bleeping* B isn't good enough, I don't know why I even try anymore." He ran upstairs and slammed his door as hard as he could, and knocked a picture off a wall.

I'm not worried about him hating me, but I am worried if his stress levels are much too high if he would get extremely mad at such a little upset like that. How should I approach him with this, and explain to him that I was just asking, and am just as happy with a B as an A? He seems to think that I'm not proud of him anymore. Also, what should I do about how stressed out he is? I am thinking of suggesting him to take easier classes next year, but then he might think I am telling him he did too bad his first year!

Please help, he has been mad all weekend and this entire week.

You obviously are placing too much pressure on the boy and now the hostility. Although in this day and age of pampering and coddling your iron fisted approach to parenting is very refreshing.

 

[wanglung88]

Kids always need to relax, especailly when it's one of those things. Just know that you're proud of him whatever he does(not saying you shold be proud of him if he fails anything)

 

[znljubica]

My daughter was constantly complaining that she could not get more than B in one subject, although she knew well and understood the material. She told me that the only pupils who were getting A, were those who sat in the front row, constantly shouting: "Ask me! Ask me!”, even though their answers were often inaccurate.
First, I checked her knowledge, and it was really very solid. Then, I explained to her that the teacher sets the rules for class, not the pupils. I praised her for being able to define the existing rules, and proposed her to decide how she would like to behave regarding those rules. My recommendation was:
“In my opinion, the grade is less important than the knowledge, and if you are satisfied with your knowledge, study hard and pay no attention to the grades. If you really want to have an A, then sit in the first row and persistently require to answer teacher’s questions! It’s your choice.“
She did not sit in the front row, she studied really hard, and finally got her longed-for A.

 

[youtube]

I agree, definatly too harsh. A 'B' (C) is a great grade. However you should express concern as the grade has dropped.

 

[Dagwood]

I also have a high achieving daughter who often becomes easily insulted by things I say, where no harm was intended on my part. I suspect it's a high achiever thing combined with teenage hormones.

Since your son is feeling that your no longer proud of him, probably the best thing to do, is to tell your son that you are very proud of him. I would also add something to the effect that your interest in his marks wasn't meant as a "put down" and if it came across that way you are sorry. However, I would be firm on the aspect that as his parent you do have the right to be interested in his schooling. I would also ask, if anything else is bothering him. Sometimes those types of reactions are the result of something else, such as being picked on at school or having a hard time with a particular teacher.

 

[sbattisti]

Some other things to consider. Anger can often be about a lot of other things. I think of it a lot like a thermometer. If the thermometer gets to the top, you explode (let's say it's at 100 degrees, just for sake of discussion). It's quite possible that your son's meter was already at 99 due to any number of things: school stress or self-induced pressure (as was mentioned), certainly. But it could also be bullying, girls/relationships/sexuality issues, peer pressure, guilt, drugs, problems with friends, or any number of other things. Or any combination thereof.

I know this is tough to consider, because it certainly seems like you're a very thoughtful person, but don't exclude the possibility that he doesn't feel pressured by himself. He feels pressured by YOU. You see it all the time - where the children of parents who just want their kids to do their best end up feeling like they're never good enough instead. I think when you talk to him it's important you be open to all of the possibilities.

My biggest concern in this is the duration of his anger. Many teens are prone to blow-ups, but they don't often last for this long. The length of time he's been upset leads me to suspect there is either a long history of something, or this isn't really about the B.

Just my two cents. Good luck!

~S

 

[teenage_parent]

I'm just about his age.

Yes, he is more frustrated at himself than you. Apologize and just reinforce how proud you are of him.

But give him enough space too. You do this by walking away if he asks you to leave him alone. just make sure before you leave that you tell him that you are ready to talk with him.

another thing is, confide to your son too. we feel we can't confide to our parents because our parents don't talk to us and don't show their "human" side.

 

[Choppy]

I know that I'm coming into the conversation a little late, but there are likely a few things going on here.

The first is the typical teenaged melodrama. Every aspect of a teen's life tends to be magnified because they just don't have that much life experience yet.

The second, and perhaps more important factor, is that this is potentially the first time your son has been really challenged by a course. This is reasonably common among teens who excel in school. High school often isn't much of a challenge and they get As with minimal effort. For some, putting in effort actually becomes a symptom of weakness. When they get to university, their peers are that much more competative, the instructors are PhDs, and the classes can be downright challenging. As a result, many fall into a trap of not having developed good study skills and either have to learn them quickly or simply don't learn them at all.

Something you can help out with as a parent is to focus on the student's effort rather than grades. Discuss how he feels about his performance, help him to figure out strategies to improve it, and support him in the plans that he comes up with.

On a side note, I've never been too crazy about the whole "AP" (advanced placement) idea in the first place. These are courses offered in high school that the students can receive university credit for. I understand that some students need a little more of a challenge than others, but I can't help, but wonder what happens to prerequisite high school courses. In this case it would appear the boy hasn't just skipped a single course, but the entire high school curriculum - and if it's that irrelevant, maybe the school board needs to take a hard look at the content it's offering.

 

[born2lovechildr]

I don't believe it was what you said. He disappointed himself. You could have told him you were proud of him for getting a B and he may have snapped, "So you don't think I can do any better."

Talk to him about grades and they are important and that he needs A's B's or C's to get in college. A's B's to get into better colleges. But what he learned is so important. That will carry him through a lifetime. He may not understand all of this at the moment but I bet he never forgets it either.

Good luck. Teenagers are great! Society today has put so much pressure on them. At least he has capabilities and must have a direction of where he is going from high school.

 

[teenage_parent]

hey,

i hope things are getting better between you and your son.

 

[znljubica]

If the child has good grades, show pleasure, praise, suggest that this is the result of hard work. If the grade is lower or below expectations, do not scold the child. He is unhappy enough for that. Try to find out what caused bad grades, sometimes it is not the lack of knowledge. Encourage and console him, create a plan to help your child to improve his marks. Tell him, for example: „No big deal, you can fix it. Lets make a plan, Mom and Dad will help you”

 

[ResearchProject]

I don't think he is mad at himself.
It sounds to me like he is upset with you.
He's tried very hard to be the best student he an be, most likely to impress you.

It is simply a misunderstanding. Tell him you don't care what his grades are.

 

[mrsims31]

Some other things to consider. Anger can often be about a lot of other things.

I agree with the above statement. High school can be extremely stressful. How stressful will ultimately depend on the teenager and how far he's stretched himself. Not only academically, but socially as well.

The grade might be the major factor, but it could also be a minor one. Maybe he's stressed about a girl or had an argument with a friend. Maybe something embarassing happened at school. It really could be anything; the only thing you really know from his outburst is that he's upset.

Someone needs to talk to him; someone he's comfortable with. Do you have a close relationship with him? Do you talk to him about personal issues or does he shy away from things like that? Different from kid to kid and you shouldn't feel bad if he doesn't confide in you or ask for advice, but I would consider someone you know he's comfortable with and seek help from that person to approach your son. Not to specifically bring up the incident you had necessarily, but to just talk to him and see how he's doing.

If you think that person is you, then I would approach the situation simply as he's upset. Since he lashed out about the grade you should start there, but you might be surprised to find out its something totally unrelated to school.

Hope this helps; good luck!