My daughter is dating a guy who is a bad influence...

[LonelyStarlet]

for the past few months my daughter (18) has been dating this guy that is a completely bad influence on her, is a loser and acts like a jerk, he is also 25 and hasnt even gone to college. Ever since she started dating him her grades have dropped, she's not even hanging out with her regular friends anymore, she's started smoking and drinking, she doesnt spend the night here that much anymore, and she's skipping school, i also wouldnt be surprised if she was doing drugs. i confronted her about it and she said she was 18 and could do whatever she wanted, she also apparently gives this guy beer money that she earns from her job. and about a week ago just to spite me she brought him home during a family reunion and thats when i knew from seeing him that he was such a bad influence. he's got tattoos, long hair, a beard, a trashy car, and he smells like alcohol and cigarettes, but he has a really good body and is actually handsome so i guess thats why my daughter likes him, he was carrying a flask filled with vodka at my house so i kicked them out. the next day i went to this guys crappy studio apartment to tell him to stop seeing my daughter and when i got there his place smelled like pot, there were beer cans all over the floor and he looked high, when i told him to stop seeing her he laughed in my face and told me quote "i love it when you fight with your daughter cuz she just comes running back to this matress right here" then he shut the door in my face.

how can i make my daughter see what a loser and bad influence this guy is, this is her last year in high school and she should be worrying about her future and college not hanging out with a guy that is passed out on his couch every night.

how can i get her to stop seeing him? im afraid a comfrontation will cause her to leave and go move in with him or quit school all together.

 

[mom2many]

There really isn't a lot you can do, yes she lives at home but you are right that if you confront her she will move in with him and then were would her life be?

Keep communication open at all times, let her know that she can do better and that she deserves better. Be careful not to make him out to be a monster cause frankly the only thing that bothered me about the post is the pot and his age..he's over 21 and can legally drink, and tattoo's and all of that crap mean nothing.

 

[parentastic]

how can i make my daughter see what a loser and bad influence this guy is, this is her last year in high school and she should be worrying about her future and college not hanging out with a guy that is passed out on his couch every night.
how can i get her to stop seeing him? im afraid a comfrontation will cause her to leave and go move in with him or quit school all together.

OP, you can't force her not to see him, and you can't "make her see" anything negative about him. What you can do however is to nurture back your own relationship with her, so that you regain her trust. What the man told you is true: the more you fight, the more you push her exactly back into his arms.

Don't show anger. Show concern.
Don't try to control. Name your fears and speak in "I".
Don't lecture. Be a secure, unconditional harbor of love.
And above all, listen.
Let her talk about him. Listen. Not to find a fault in him, but to truly understand what she wants, what her desires and dreams are, and how he seem, for now, to fulfill that.
That's all you can do.

 

[Choppy]

One thing that might help you is to focus on is the specific things that will be harmful to your daughter such as drug use, neglect of friends, that quote you posted, and giving up money. Other issues such as tattoos, long hair, not having gone to college, legal drinking - are those which may not sit well with you but don't actually make this guy a bad person.

By mixing them, when you talk about this guy, you potentially send your daughter mixed messages. For example, if you tell her not to give him a chance because he has tattoos, her reaction will be that tattoos don't make a person bad and that you don't have any idea what you're talking about and she'll stop listening to you.

On the other hand, if you ask her to tell you what it is about this guy she likes, she may open up a little more.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

how can i make my daughter see what a loser and bad influence this guy is, this is her last year in high school and she should be worrying about her future and college not hanging out with a guy that is passed out on his couch every night.

he might be a real loser, but what your daughter sees in him is freedom. what you dislike about him for her its cool, its wild. she wants to have fun, because being a well-behaved schoolgirl is booooring.
hopefully, she'll get over it when she's more mature.

 

[kudos]

I remember being that age and the more my parents pushed and tried to break things up the more I didn't care. There are certain things that just can't be controlled but they come around, I did.

 

[Mat2011]

Give her time & support

 

[Maratila]

That is not good. Here is my advice from a teenager's point of view.

Okay, who are her best friends that are girls? Are any of them sensible? I am every parent's favorite kid in that I keep my friends in order, and I shoot any guy that I consider to be bad for my friends and therefore I keep the guy away from them. Teenagers often rely on their friends opinion. If your daughter has a friend that is cool like this, you might want to just talk to her and see if she can do much. Don't be direct though, because teenager friends NEVER talk to parents about their friends due to the fact that they don't want to bust their BFF, but you might be able to just act clueless about it so she feels okay with saying something. You can try fishing by acting like you already know without giving much details.

There might be issues in the relationship already, because this guy sounds like a really bad one. Do you have a computer that your daughter uses? If so, put something on it so you can record where your daughter goes. If she is having doubts, she would turn to the internet for guidance like many teenagers do.

I would say try to see if he has criminal record, which he probably does, but you most likely would get one enraged daughter if you showed it to her. Some kids just really get mad at everything their parents say because of an old grudge or just because they feel their parents don't understand.

I have to warn you that if you let your teen continue down this road you will probably end up with a troubled person. There is a really big age difference in this relationship, he is clearly not going to support her, and I bet he will get her pregnant (Sorry to say).

If you really want to scare your teen, you can try calling the police saying you suspect drugs or even talk to a social worker, because many of the families they work with started on the road like your daughter did. The social worker could maybe say some horror stories of where she is heading. I remember when my friends and I almost got busted for trespassing in an abandoned house. We freaked out when we thought we were going to Juvie because someone called the police. Needless to say, I now stay totally away from properties that I'm not allowed on and will continue to my whole life.

Remember this, your teenager is mentally impaired. Every teenager is in that their brain is not developed. Things you can do a teenager can't. We rely on the more impulsive part of brain and lack the reasoning part. For example, when we hear of the idea of jumping off the two-story balcony into a pool, we think, "Jump in pool = Fun" We don't think, "I could fall and kill myself. It is a really far jump. The pool isn't that deep."

I hope this helps and good luck with your daughter. Try to be very not judgmental but still be strict. I know that with my mom I really liked it when she wouldn't make me feel guilty, and that I couldn't talk with her. Even though, I must admit that by her guilt methods she kept me away from guys until about 14 years old then it started to backfire on her, so she opened up a little more.

By the way, don't be afraid to ground her and take away privellages. She lives under your roof, so it is your rules, and if she does take out your car without you asking then you can call the police. That would be the perfect scare because there is not that much trouble in it.

Good luck

 

[alter ego]

I dont think there is much you can do. Crack down and she will rebel more.
Id personally encourage her to focus on her schoolwork ("youre nearly there, just push through the semester and then its party time") and ignore the existence of her boyfriend.
family guidelines for curfews and borrowing the car are different matters, but I think that not compromising could be dangerous.
When she wants the car/later curfew say yes if its possible, or give her the logical reason why ("I need the car today, but Im happy to drop you off, and the cars all yours on thursday after school")
We never had curfews, but my mums always asked if we were coming home and around what time. If plans changed we called 100% of the time so they didnt worry

 

[anishastrologer]

if your daughter is attracted to him because of his looks then it won't last. you can try to make her realize that a man who is dependent on her is unable to start a family. why don't you ask your daughter if she wants such a jerk father for her children.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

if your daughter is attracted to him because of his looks then it won't last. you can try to make her realize that a man who is dependent on her is unable to start a family. why don't you ask your daughter if she wants such a jerk father for her children.

i guess starting a family is the last thing on her mind

 

[parents4kids]

WOW!!! You have been getting tons of good advice. You have got to get her to SEE what she is doing is leading to destruction. I have taught many at risk teen workshops, and I think I may have a solution if you want to be creative, please email me at parents4kids@lycos.com. It is too much to type here on this post.