My DD's mommy......

[singledad]

Mom2All's thread has made me think...

As most of you probably know my DD's mommy passed away last year October. In the months that has passed since then, I have hardly spoken to about her mother at all - in the beginning because it was just too painfull to me, and later because I was worried that I would be opeining old wounds, just when she was settling down and returning to being a normal, happy little girl again. But no, I fear she in beginning to forget things about her mother. She never mentions her, and when I moved the picture that used to be by her bed to the bookshelf, she didn't even appear to miss it. She hasn't seen her maternal grandparents in months either, but that another long story for another day.

On the one had I think that it is probably good for her to forget and move on - it will be less painfull in the long run. On the other hand, I'm not at all sure whether I shouldn't be making an effort to keep the memories alive. Should I not be talking to her about her mom, showing her pictures and doing things in memory of her mother? Is it fair to let her mom's legacy just fade away like this? Or will bringing it up all the time just keep the wounds from healing?

I hate that she has to grow up without a mommy, but at the same time I realise that there's nothing I can do other than try to make the best of a bad situation. I guess my problem is simply that I don't know what "the best" is in this instance...

And opinions/advice? What would you do?

 

[bssage]

I would take advantage of a quite moment here and there just to let her know it was OK to ask questions. Then kinda follow her the lead.

When DS was younger and a few time a week now, I have story time with him at bedtime. Not book reading story time, but telling stories. We lay in his bed with the lights off and I can get him to open up a little by designing my stories around whatever the current issue is. Then its his turn to tell me a story. Rules are all stories have to be based on a true event but can be creatively modified for the story. And its a story for a story. If he wants one from me, he has to give me one.

I would come up with some short funny stories of your DW and spice them in with other stories. I think in short order you will develop a sense of interest that will cause here to request "Mommy" stories

 

[singledad]

I like your "story time" idea. It sounds like a great bonding exercise and it would keep the communication channels open as she gets older. And its a way of telling her about her mom without it getting all heavy and dramatic. We already have normal book reading story time. I'll try to take the "let's do something different tonight" approach. Thanks!

 

[fallon]

I agree with Bssage 100%....WONDERFUL advice!

 

[grace42]

I live pretty far from all of my relatives and my kids see them about 1-2 times per year. I keep small photo albums that hold about 10-20 photos on their bookshelves to look through. My daughter looks at these photo albums just once in a while but it really seems to work in helping her remember who her relatives are. This might work for you too with your sitaution.

I would also like to suggest that there will probably come a time in your daughter's life when she will be frusterated, angry, or sad that she cannot remember her mom. You might want to get a small trunk or sturdy plastic box and fill it with things for your daughter later on which can help her connect emotionally to the memory of her mom, or at least help her remember her mom. This could be things like photos, some of your wife's jewelry you plan to give her one day, some special articles of clothing, items related to any hobbies or activites she had, or something she may have made, etc. When your daughter is older she will probably really appreciate this.

 

[Mom2all]

I agree with both suggestions. They sound wonderful to me. My 3 heart children lost their Mom 1 year ago today. They are much older than your pretty little girl.. but I we find ways to bring her into conversation when we can. She was not perfect, by no means, and the relationship was quite strained between them before she passed, however, she is their Mom and a important part of who they are. I often tell Katherine how much she looks like her Mom.. she is beautiful. She likes to hear it. And when she comes up in a sad way, we listen and then try to turn it around by their Dad telling some silly story about her before she became an addict. Something that brings a smile. And for instance, we made a peace garden for her last year so the children could plants flowers on holidays and such last year instead of visiting the graveyeard. Tonight, we've decided instead of being sad over the year thats passed since she left, we are planting a shrub and baking a cake. We'll celebrate her life, not morn her loss. Please say a quick prayer it goes well.

 

[singledad]

Thanks Grace - that sounds like good advice.

I've been warned that she'll go through rough spots as she grows up, and I can completely understand it. There will be times when she will need her mom, when dad just won't be good enough.

She has a photo of her mom in her room, but I like your idea of making a box of things to remember her mother by. I can already think of a few things I would put in there.

Mom2all - I hope it went well .

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I agree with everyone's suggestions SingleDad. I really like the idea of a keepsake box for her, absolutely wonderful

 

[mommyofthr33]

everyone posted some really great ideas, the keepsake box would be wonderful