My mother......

[sbattisti]

To reply to myself, I should point out I'm not arguing that you <I>shouldn't</I> contact her.

I'm simply pointing out that you shouldn't expect contact with her to "fix" anything in your heart.

 

[mom2many]

I'm simply pointing out that you shouldn't expect contact with her to "fix" anything in your heart.

This is so true, there just isn't a good answer out there, short of a mental illness or something completely out of their control, the question will always remain....why?. Their reasons always make sense to them, even if they are stupid beyond stupid. My dad doesn't contact me cause he is afraid of what my mom might of said about him and because he is afraid of my anger. His sister has told him time and time again that I am not angry and that my mom has never (well once) said a bad thing about him. Even to this day my mom doesn't say a bad thing about him.

See what I am saying though, the stupidest reason but to him they are very valid. Be prepared to not get the answers you are looking for and make yourself ok with that before you contact her, it will make the hurt feel a little less hurtful.

 

[superman]

seriously why the fuck are there so many douche bags who up and leave as soon as they mess up like were not some peice of garbage, when ur done u can just forget about the kid u made and walk away. im reading all these replies and honestly its just pissing me off. im really gonna try and censor myself here...i dont care what bullshit excuse they make up they just didnt wanna deal with anything bc their idiots. why the hell should u forgive her? why should u even give her a chance to speak??

 

[singledad]

Let me challenge this a bit. What would the "right" answer be? What answer would give you closure?

The most likely answer is that she doesn't know, or doesn't have a good answer. Or that wonderful catch all that you see on TV shows all the time, "I was messed up, and I thought this was what would be best for you."

The truth is, the odds of you getting a satisfactory answer to that question are almost nil.

Well, I have actually thought about this. I guess the right answer will be anything other than the explanation our father gave us, which was basically that we didn't deserve any better.

See, the thing is that I've been thinking for years that there may be something I didn't know... if you knew her, perhaps you would understand.
I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking what if she really has some sort of mental illness? Even if she didn't, and she was just an irresponsible bitch whose freedom was more important to her than her children, then I won't have to live with all the "what if"s anymore. Does that make sense?

You mentioned above that you're "ready to forgive." Forgiveness and compassion are up to you. You can forgive her without getting in touch with her. (In fact, I would argue it's probably EASIER to do so, since the presence of your mother in your live will have a lot of emotional consequences.)

I guess my point there is, don't let your ego convince you that you can't forgive until you've talked to her. (By "ego" here I mean the psych term. I'm not saying you're arrogant or whatever!)

LOL, don't worry, I speak enough "psych" to understand.

But see, when I speak about forgiveness, I don't mean accepting what she did was OK. I mean simply letting go of the anger - moving past it. Compassion doesn't really form part of the picture.

I'm simply pointing out that you shouldn't expect contact with her to "fix" anything in your heart.

I know that. Nothing she says know can change one day of history. But it can change the future, and that's all I want.

 

[singledad]

seriously why the fuck are there so many douche bags who up and leave as soon as they mess up like were not some peice of garbage, when ur done u can just forget about the kid u made and walk away. im reading all these replies and honestly its just pissing me off. im really gonna try and censor myself here...i dont care what bullshit excuse they make up they just didnt wanna deal with anything bc their idiots. why the hell should u forgive her? why should u even give her a chance to speak??

Oh hell, I felt exactly like that for so long... but see, the problem is that being angry at her only affects me, not her. Over time, all that anger eats you up from inside like acid in a plastic bottle. I've been angry at her now for about 30 years or more, and its keeping me from being completely free and happy. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired of being angry all the time.

And forgiving her doesn't mean that what she did is now suddenly OK. It will never be OK, because I can never get back my childhood. As I've said in my reply to sbattisti - its about letting go of the anger, and living the rest of my life without this grudge. If I do it, I do it for myself and my own peace of mind, not for her.

 

[Satori]

Oh hell, I felt exactly like that for so long... but see, the problem is that being angry at her only affects me, not her. Over time, all that anger eats you up from inside like acid in a plastic bottle. I've been angry at her now for about 30 years or more, and its keeping me from being completely free and happy. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired of being angry all the time.

And forgiving her doesn't mean that what she did is now suddenly OK. It will never be OK, because I can never get back my childhood. As I've said in my reply to sbattisti - its about letting go of the anger, and living the rest of my life without this grudge. If I do it, I do it for myself and my own peace of mind, not for her.

You've nailed it SingleDad. You've pinpointed exactly how this whole thing affects you and not the one who caused it. So if you keep this up you'll do a better job of screwing up your life than your mother did. But I really do sense your pain and torment and can't think of one thing to say except that maybe time will heal it. You need to move on, SD. So many people have no mothers or lose their mothers before they know what she looks like. And again, so many folks live under the same roof as their mothers and still don't "have" her. Mothers can be in your life and still be unavailable. We therefore, need to focus on what we do have. Your little princess, for instance. So many folks out there would give all they possess to have a little girl like that in their lives, but are unable to. So try not to get obsessed with your past(mother), focus on that lovely future(your princess). I know, easier said than done and all that...but it makes no difference to your mother whether you hate, forgive, love, want to love, want to yell at, or do anything to her. It makes a huge difference to your life if you can stop feeling that way. Good luck, mate. You can do it, with your little princess by your side. Switch focus to her. Cheers

 

[singledad]

We therefore, need to focus on what we do have. Your little princess, for instance. So many folks out there would give all they possess to have a little girl like that in their lives, but are unable to. So try not to get obsessed with your past(mother), focus on that lovely future(your princess). I know, easier said than done and all that...but it makes no difference to your mother whether you hate, forgive, love, want to love, want to yell at, or do anything to her. It makes a huge difference to your life if you can stop feeling that way. Good luck, mate. You can do it, with your little princess by your side. Switch focus to her. Cheers

That is exactly what I'm trying to do here. I want to get to a point where I can close the door behind me and look to the future without the past weighing me down.

Around the middle of last year I was told that I had a 70% chance of making it to Christmas. Obviously I did make it, but it made me realise that I owe it to both myself and my little girl to make the most of every day, and I can't do that without letting go of my past. This isn't a spur of the moment thing either. I've been thinking about looking for my mother for a long time. I just needed to wait until I was ready. I think I'm ready now. As ready as I'll ever be, anyway.

 

[superman]

Oh hell, I felt exactly like that for so long... but see, the problem is that being angry at her only affects me, not her. Over time, all that anger eats you up from inside like acid in a plastic bottle. I've been angry at her now for about 30 years or more, and its keeping me from being completely free and happy. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired of being angry all the time.

And forgiving her doesn't mean that what she did is now suddenly OK. It will never be OK, because I can never get back my childhood. As I've said in my reply to sbattisti - its about letting go of the anger, and living the rest of my life without this grudge. If I do it, I do it for myself and my own peace of mind, not for her.

true...that totally makes sense .i just got rattled there i guess cus im seeing what its done to u...and it just shouldnt be like that. reminds me of my peice of shit "father". i really hope u get the closure ur wanting man..ur a good guy &amp; deserrve that much.

 

[singledad]

true...that totally makes sense .i just got rattled there i guess cus im seeing what its done to u...and it just shouldnt be like that. reminds me of my peice of shit "father". i really hope u get the closure ur wanting man..ur a good guy &amp; deserrve that much.

Thanks I hope that one day you can also moved past what your "father" did to you. You're right, it sucks and it isn't fair. But unfortunately that's life. Life is hardly ever fair.

Well, the deed is done. I created a facebook account with my real name, and sent her a message from there, asking (rather cryptically) if she is who we think she is. Now we'll have to wait and see, I guess..

I have to admit - I'm pretty scared of the possibility that she may not want to have anything to do with us...

 

[superman]

good. she might take awhile to respond...thinkin about what shes gonna say. keep us updated eh

 

[singledad]

I'm pretty sure its her. I got a message early this morning asking who I am and if my message a some sort of joke. I replied that is was no joke, and that I am exactly who my profile says I am. Then she went quiet about 3 hours. Now she's just sent me a message saying "What would happen if I said yes?".

I'm thinking its her, and she's freaked out and scared of what's going to happen next.

I'm pretty freaked out myself, to be honest. I'm going to have to think carefully about my next message.... :veryconfused:

 

[Xero]

Well, imagine how mad you would think your kids were if you did what she did to you guys? I'm sure she's scared, and waiting for you to chew her out. Tred lightly.

 

[superman]

whoaaaaah. yeah xerols right shes probably scared shitless lol

 

[mom2many]

Here is how my letter would look back to her.....

If you are who I believe you are I hope I am finding you in good health. There is no need to be afraid, while my brother and I are looking for answers we are not here to play the blame game. If you are feeling up to getting to know us and us getting to know you then this is the place for it to happen. This is a completely separate and private page (meaning your facebook) so that what is said here, stays here.

Thank-you for taking the time to answer back.

Or something along that lines, i would probably change it 10 more times before I send it but that would be the jist of it.

Good luck!

 

[Satori]

Good Luck SD, I'd go with Mom2many on this. But also consider the other side. It could be a very bored woman who decides it might be fun to play along a bit. Be very, very, wary.

 

[Antoinette]

how did i come into this so late?

congratulations on finding her Singledad.

just write from your heart and you will know what to say

i hope it all works out perfectly for you...

 

[singledad]

I think I screwed up just a tiny bit yesterday. After posting my message above, I thought about it a bit more and then I replied. We exchanged a few more messages. Lets just say I ended up saying a few rather mean things to her .

Must. Learn. To. Control. Temper.

So this morning I swallowed my pride and apologised to her, even though it made me feel a bit sick to do so, since I actually meant every mean word yesterday. (I don't like myself very much right now, but I'll get over it soon enough )

I don't want to antagonise her yet because I still want to hear her side of the story...

Actually, I think I should delegate the negotiation process to my brother. He's way more diplomatic and even tempered than I am ...

Satori... what you're suggesting is pretty scary. At this stage she'd have to be pretty sick to keep it up, but I suppose there are some sick people out there. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my emotions out of this for now. Its not easy, but I'm trying...

So here's to hoping today goes a bit better than yesterday...

 

[stjohnjulie]

Good luck singledad. If she thinks for one minute that you don't have some anger towards her, she is completely loony. So, even though I will encourage you to keep your temper, you also do not have to pretend that you aren't upset about what happened. If you think your brother is better suited to communicate to her, then by all means, have him do it! I SO hope that reaching out to her brings some peace to your soul. You deserve to have some peace and closure in your life.

Thank you for sharing with us. I know this can't be easy for us, but I for one thank you for sharing because I feel it gives me a better understanding not only of you, but of people in general. So thanks!

 

[singledad]

She says she understands...

She also says that she wrote us a letter years ago, and that she wants to give it to us. She's going to scan it and send it. I think I'll wait till I'm home to read it, just in case...

LOL, so obviously I'm still the one talking to her, and my brother is still just eavesdropping on our conversation. But I'm calm today, and I promised him that I won't reply in anger again. I intend to keep that promise.

I'm now 100% sure that its her. She's mentioned both my brothers' names, and I haven't mentioned any names. I haven't even mentioned my older brother at all, so the only way she could know about him is if she really does know me.

Thank you for sharing with us. I know this can't be easy for us, but I for one thank you for sharing because I feel it gives me a better understanding not only of you, but of people in general. So thanks!

Um well. I guess sharing helps me make sense of everything. And this place just feels safe to share stuff like this. Plus I've got some good advice here

PS: Is it only me, or does other people also sometimes find it hard to tell the difference between anger and hurt?

 

[Satori]

I'm so happy for you SD. I'm glad it turned out she's the real deal.I think you're doing a great job being calm. I can sense you're a lot calmer today than yesterday. And you're right about the hurt anger nexus. Anger is hurt turned outward, depression is hurt turned inwards. Guys usually go for the former while us girls go for the latter, but that is not written on stone and can go either way. Point is, you've been dealt a real tough subject in the U of Life and are acing it. Keep going mate, you're almost there.