My mother......
- Thread starter singledad
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Are you a trained therapist of some sort? You sound like one... "<I>Hurt is anger turned outward</I>" Yup, I'm pretty good at that. Its a pretty good way to protect yourself from having to feel it. Until the consequences of your anger bites you in the ass, that isSatori said:
Well, if I'm acing anything here, I guess its because I've had lots of training and practise
Thank you. I think perhaps she did want us to find her. She seems willing to at least try to give us the answers we need.NancyM said:
I think a key thing to take out of this is that . . . she responded.
One of the possibilities is this is that she just didn't give a crap about anything - that she was wholly incapable of caring.If that were the case, she would have simply not replied.
Perhaps this is reading too much into the one bit you told us, but the fact that she responded, and in a way that seems to fear "what she has coming to her" indicates to me that there is at least a part of her that wants this to happen. Which means there's a part of her that loves you and regrets what she did, she just couldn't find her way back. And yeah, she's terrified. Imagine what her last few days have been like, going through her normal schedule!
Anyway, good luck. Hold that temper (even if it's been long-earned), and keep us in the loop!
~s
One of the possibilities is this is that she just didn't give a crap about anything - that she was wholly incapable of caring.If that were the case, she would have simply not replied.
Perhaps this is reading too much into the one bit you told us, but the fact that she responded, and in a way that seems to fear "what she has coming to her" indicates to me that there is at least a part of her that wants this to happen. Which means there's a part of her that loves you and regrets what she did, she just couldn't find her way back. And yeah, she's terrified. Imagine what her last few days have been like, going through her normal schedule!
Anyway, good luck. Hold that temper (even if it's been long-earned), and keep us in the loop!
~s
Good luck SD, this is probably the hardest part, if you can hold it together you may get the answers you need and want!
And yes anger and hurt can sometimes come out the same.
And yes anger and hurt can sometimes come out the same.
Ask the question. But do not have any expectations regarding the answer. If she says yes, that doesn't mean you will have a relationship. That takes time and effort and understanding. She may say no regardless. There is nothing you can do about that.
Huh? Which question should I ask? I don't have any that have yes/no answersBrownDog52469 said:
Oh wait... you don't give a crap, you just wanted to get to six posts
easy singledad, I know you're on edge as you deal with some serious stuff, but it seems like you may be jumping to some conclusions...singledad said:Huh? Which question should I ask? I don't have any that have yes/no answers
Oh wait... you don't give a crap, you just wanted to get to six posts
perhaps the post was in reference to this....? It may not have been the best constructed of responses, but let's try to give each other some slack....
singledad said:
That being said, I feel for you as you agonize with this. Take it slow and carefullly as you have been and hopefully you'll find some of what you're looking for.
Exactly IADAD. "the question" - is she your birth mother?!?!? You can ask, but nothing guarantees she will respond or do so truthfully. For your sake, I would not build up any expectations as to how she will adress you.
BrownDog - Singledad's point was that you didn't read the rest of the thread. I'm not picking on you or anything, but he already did ask the question, even posted her response and everything. We are way passed that point. Now he actually has been talking to her and that stage is well passed, and been conversed in this thread.
singledad said:Are you a trained therapist of some sort? You sound like one... "<I>Hurt is anger turned outward</I>" Yup, I'm pretty good at that. Its a pretty good way to protect yourself from having to feel it. Until the consequences of your anger bites you in the ass, that is
Well, if I'm acing anything here, I guess its because I've had lots of training and practise
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Nope, I'm trained in other things. But life has dragged me through dark, ugly places and have had to pull myself out of it or perish. I chose the former and here I am. I'm sharing whatever I learned on the way and hope it helps others like it helped me. I don't mean to crowd you. I figure you need breathing space to evaluate your situation. But if you come across Eckhart Tolle's <I>Power of Now</I>, grab it. Big help in understanding pain and dealing with it. P.S: People with flags
Please don't take away the book title. I'm not selling this book.But it's very, very useful and can help SD and others.
Sorry.IADad said:
You're right - I'm on edge and strung out and even though Xero is spot on, I should have just let it go. You can't expect a newbie to read every single post in a 5 page thread. Perhaps he did mean well. I guess I just didn't expect this to be so stressful.
There's no teacher like life, huh? I appreciate you sharing what you learnt with me. I will look out for that book. Its always good to get another perspective, no matter how much we think we know about a subject already.Satori said:
So I finally received "The Letter" yesterday afternoon, and I spent most of last night reading and re-reading it over and over. LOL - I've had about 2 hours sleep .
I haven't quite digested everything yet, but she has an explanation that I will be willing to accept. I don't want to say too much just yet, because I need time to figure out how I can respond. (Bleh- that's not really what I mean, but I don't know how to say it any better. My English sucks today )
Let me just say that I was right when I suspected mental illness. She had been through abuse that was far more intense than I what I experienced, and the result was devastating. At this point I don't think that she could in fairness be held fully responsible for what she did.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this yet, or where it leaves us, but I don't think she could have come up with a "better" answer to my questions if she tried...
.I haven't quite digested everything yet, but she has an explanation that I will be willing to accept. I don't want to say too much just yet, because I need time to figure out how I can respond. (Bleh- that's not really what I mean, but I don't know how to say it any better. My English sucks today
)Let me just say that I was right when I suspected mental illness. She had been through abuse that was far more intense than I what I experienced, and the result was devastating. At this point I don't think that she could in fairness be held fully responsible for what she did.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this yet, or where it leaves us, but I don't think she could have come up with a "better" answer to my questions if she tried...
Very interesting. I've found that when you 'dig into' your past or issues that things seem to be a lot worse before they get better. I tend to feel like I got run over by a truck when I dig up a bunch of stuff. BUT, with time, I tend to feel much much better. I hope this is the case with you. I'm sure it's a lot to process. ***squeeze*** there is a hug for you, just in case you need it.
That's what makes this so difficult. In a sense she didn't, at least back then. She wasn't able to...Satori said:
Later, when she had undergone treatment (and aparantly she is still in treatment, more on this later...) she realised what she had done, and she says that since that first realisation she's done nothing but regret it.
Its all a bit freaky and frankly I'm not yet sure how much of it I believe. If everything she says is true, then no human being with a heart could blame her, or feel anything but pity for her. But it all sounds a bit too much like a Hollywood horror film... I've done some googling, and even the psychiatric profession seems to be devided on whether what she claims is even possible. I have to say, though, that it would be the perfect explanation for her weird behaviour when I was a kid.
So, I dunno. Perhaps this is the happy ending I've always wanted, and we can all hug and sing cum-ba-ya and live happily ever after. Perhaps she's just trying to feed us some bullshit story to get us to forgive her for reasons that are still unknown. I really don't know, and I don't know how to find out...
I'm glad you heard back.
Good luck.
You can't. Well, the only way you could is to get into a relationship her and learn over time. But, it's like the old saw, "You can't prove a negative." You may always have doubts about whether she's being truthful. Only you can teach yourself to trust her. (Kind of as we discussed earlier - your forgiveness for her really has nothing to do with HER, it has to do with YOU. The same goes for trust.)singledad said:
Good luck.
I'm really glad she got back to you, and you know whether or not her story is true, I'm really glad you got the kind of answer from her that seems regretful and trying to explain her actions, trying to apologize and whatnot. Its a lot better than a lot of answers you could have gotten. But listen, don't ever say that the only thing she deserves is petty and that nothing is her fault. No matter what happened to her, you guys were still only children and none of that will ever be fair to you or your fault. She still could have handled herself better. Every situation can be handled in different ways. I definitely feel bad for her, in the things you are somewhat describing, but like I said there are different ways of handling things.
I think either way, that your whole family was in a really sad situation. I feel really bad for everyone involved and I can only imagine if its possible to completely heal from it.
I wanted to add too that after I reconnected with my mom, I had a lot of fear and anger for her. She cried and apologized and blamed her sickness (she has brain damage among other problems) and the fact that she was on so many drugs. All the court hearings that she never showed up at, she said she was in the hospital. Can I ever prove any of this was true or the sole reason she treated me the way she did or did the horrible things she did to me for all those years? No, but at least I know she feels remorse for the things she put me through and she at least seems to wish things had gone differently. After that, I have slowly remade a relationship with her and I still have almost no trust for her at all, I will not leave my son out of my sight when she is around, and I'm constantly nervous and freaked out with her around him. I know its probably a huge percentage just in my head, but I can't help it. She is still a very unstable and strange person, and she causes a lot of trouble in the lives of everyone around her. Thank god she lives several states away from me, that helps our relationship a lot. Sometimes with the shit we go through every now and again I wonder if it would have been better for me and my family had I never contacted her, but most of the time I'm okay with it and I can tell that in her heart she really cares about me and my family. I just hang onto that and I never take any bull shit from her. If she even starts to get crazy on me I either end the situation or I control it. I'll tell the truth, I'm not always nice to her, because I have a low tolerance level with her, and sometimes I feel bad for that. But that's just kind of the price for us having a relationship you know?
Not sure where I'm going with that, but I guess all I'm trying to say is that you will find out more and more the more you talk to her and get to know her etc.
-hug-
I think either way, that your whole family was in a really sad situation.
I feel really bad for everyone involved and I can only imagine if its possible to completely heal from it. I wanted to add too that after I reconnected with my mom, I had a lot of fear and anger for her. She cried and apologized and blamed her sickness (she has brain damage among other problems) and the fact that she was on so many drugs. All the court hearings that she never showed up at, she said she was in the hospital. Can I ever prove any of this was true or the sole reason she treated me the way she did or did the horrible things she did to me for all those years? No, but at least I know she feels remorse for the things she put me through and she at least seems to wish things had gone differently. After that, I have slowly remade a relationship with her and I still have almost no trust for her at all, I will not leave my son out of my sight when she is around, and I'm constantly nervous and freaked out with her around him. I know its probably a huge percentage just in my head, but I can't help it. She is still a very unstable and strange person, and she causes a lot of trouble in the lives of everyone around her. Thank god she lives several states away from me, that helps our relationship a lot.
Sometimes with the shit we go through every now and again I wonder if it would have been better for me and my family had I never contacted her, but most of the time I'm okay with it and I can tell that in her heart she really cares about me and my family. I just hang onto that and I never take any bull shit from her. If she even starts to get crazy on me I either end the situation or I control it. I'll tell the truth, I'm not always nice to her, because I have a low tolerance level with her, and sometimes I feel bad for that. But that's just kind of the price for us having a relationship you know?Not sure where I'm going with that, but I guess all I'm trying to say is that you will find out more and more the more you talk to her and get to know her etc.
-hug-