My mother......

[Satori]

That's what makes this so difficult. In a sense she didn't, at least back then. She wasn't able to...


Some folks can handle crap and still stay sane, while others can't. Apparently your mum belongs to the latter group. So her reasons, even if you were to get to the heart of it, may not seem good enough. So it might help to not go too much into the fine print of her reasons; autopsies are never pleasant, especially emotional ones.

I see you've begun to thaw towards your mother but a happy ending is a long leap. How you feel about the whole thing now as opposed to how you did before is what matters. I hope your past relaxes its hold on you and eventually lets go completely. Now that would be a happy ending

 

[singledad]

You can't. Well, the only way you could is to get into a relationship her and learn over time. But, it's like the old saw, "You can't prove a negative." You may always have doubts about whether she's being truthful. Only you can teach yourself to trust her. (Kind of as we discussed earlier - your forgiveness for her really has nothing to do with HER, it has to do with YOU. The same goes for trust.)

Not really the answer I wanted but I suppose its the truth. I'll just have to give it more time and see where it goes...

just be careful man

Oh trust me, I will be.

Some folks can handle crap and still stay sane, while others can't. Apparently your mum belongs to the latter group. So her reasons, even if you were to get to the heart of it, may not seem good enough. So it might help to not go too much into the fine print of her reasons; autopsies are never pleasant, especially emotional ones.

I see you've begun to thaw towards your mother but a happy ending is a long leap. How you feel about the whole thing now as opposed to how you did before is what matters. I hope your past relaxes its hold on you and eventually lets go completely. Now that would be a happy ending

I don't really know how much I've thawed - To me, she isn't "Mum" yet. She still just the woman who gave birth to me and then failed to care for and protect me.

Perhaps I am looking for too much information, and I really should just accept that she regrets it, and leave it there. That is, of course, assuming that she really does regret it and isn't just full of shit. Only time will tell, I suppose.

 

[singledad]

I'm really glad she got back to you, and you know whether or not her story is true, I'm really glad you got the kind of answer from her that seems regretful and trying to explain her actions, trying to apologize and whatnot. Its a lot better than a lot of answers you could have gotten. But listen, don't ever say that the only thing she deserves is petty and that nothing is her fault. No matter what happened to her, you guys were still only children and none of that will ever be fair to you or your fault. She still could have handled herself better. Every situation can be handled in different ways. I definitely feel bad for her, in the things you are somewhat describing, but like I said there are different ways of handling things.

Yes - there are always different ways of handling things, but sometimes one just isn't capable of seeing that. Look, I'm not about to defend her. Nothing she tells me can ever be an excuse for what she did. But it can be an explanation, which is an entirely different thing. It will never be OK. Too many things happened as a result of what she did, and nothing she does or says can turn back time and make those things not happen, or take away the pain of them happening. What can happen, is that I can get some understanding of why she did what she did, and that can help me let go of the anger I feel towards her, which in turn could possibly allow us to have some sort of relationship. Perhaps a relationship will never be possible - at this stage I really don't know yet.

Unfortunately for her, today is her turn to hear our side of the story. I think its really important that she should understand the impact her actions had on our lives, because I don't think she really gets it yet. She thinks that what she did was to abandon us. She doesn't know about the chain of events that she kicked of when she failed to do her duty as a mother. She's going to find out today, and I'm pretty sure she won't like to know that she was the one person who could have prevented all that

I think either way, that your whole family was in a really sad situation. I feel really bad for everyone involved and I can only imagine if its possible to completely heal from it.

Yes, we're a pretty messed up, dysfunctional family. The more I find out, the more I start to wonder how many generations in my family have lived like this, and then I just realise how lucky my brother and I am to have been able to break the cycle. We have four kids between us, and they are all very much loved, and are happy and well adjusted. And you know what? Healing is possible - it just takes work. Its been almost 16 years since I made the decision that I won't live my life as a victim of circumstance, and took control of my destiny, and since them I've come a really long way. Its still a work in progress, but just being able to communicate with my mother like a civilised adult, is a majour milestone for me.

I wanted to add too that after I reconnected with my mom, I had a lot of fear and anger for her....

Thank you for sharing your experience with your mom. Its good to know someone has been through a similar experience. I have to confess - I don't know how you can have a relationship with someone you don't trust at least a little bit. I don't see that I would ever be able to trust her around my daughter either. I haven't even told her that I have a daughter, and I don't intend to tell her in the near future.

 

[Xero]

Yeah, honestly its hard to explain why I keep a relationship with someone I can't trust. I guess its because I still care about her as my mother, and because she has actually changed a lot and she tries very hard to be a part of my life, and my family's life. What I mean by not trusting her, is basically revolving around my son. I wouldn't trust her with him out of my sight, you know? I would never let her babysit for me or anything, but as long as she is good with him in my presence I'm happy to let them bond that way.

 

[mom2many]

Yes - there are always different ways of handling things, but sometimes one just isn't capable of seeing that. Look, I'm not about to defend her. Nothing she tells me can ever be an excuse for what she did. But it can be an explanation, which is an entirely different thing. It will never be OK. Too many things happened as a result of what she did, and nothing she does or says can turn back time and make those things not happen, or take away the pain of them happening. What can happen, is that I can get some understanding of why she did what she did, and that can help me let go of the anger I feel towards her, which in turn could possibly allow us to have some sort of relationship. Perhaps a relationship will never be possible - at this stage I really don't know yet.

At this point all I would be looking for is to be able to let the anger go, if and it's a big if, there is a chance of a relationship then great. But first you need to heal yourself.

Unfortunately for her, today is her turn to hear our side of the story. I think its really important that she should understand the impact her actions had on our lives, because I don't think she really gets it yet. She thinks that what she did was to abandon us. She doesn't know about the chain of events that she kicked of when she failed to do her duty as a mother. She's going to find out today, and I'm pretty sure she won't like to know that she was the one person who could have prevented all that

It is important for here to hear what happened after she left, but not cause she needs to understand, but because you guys need to get it off your chest. No matter what happens she can not go back in time and change what is. She can not make that hurt go away, she can not correct the mistakes of her past any more then you can change the things that happened. But getting to say it out loud, to the only other person who should understand, is a great way to "release" the demons. Just remember, she had her own demons.

Yes, we're a pretty messed up, dysfunctional family. The more I find out, the more I start to wonder how many generations in my family have lived like this, and then I just realise how lucky my brother and I am to have been able to break the cycle. We have four kids between us, and they are all very much loved, and are happy and well adjusted. And you know what? Healing is possible - it just takes work. Its been almost 16 years since I made the decision that I won't live my life as a victim of circumstance, and took control of my destiny, and since them I've come a really long way. Its still a work in progress, but just being able to communicate with my mother like a civilised adult, is a majour milestone for me.

My family is very dysfunctional also, I have a little story and it may or may not apply hear, but maybe you can take a little something from it. I have never really said much about it, but I have on occasion alluded to it. I have a step-father, who at one point in my life was a man I loved without question. Then one day he became a monster, at the time I was to young to really understand, as an adult though I can and have reconciled my childhood emotions with my more mature understanding.

I can remember car's running over my mom, knives held to her throat, cleaning blood off him cause he tried to bust through our window to get at my mom. I can remember being sent into the apartment...by the cops, to calm him down and bring him out (I was 7-9). We hid, we ran and he always found us and dragged us back. I remember my sister being ripped out of my arms as he kidnapped her and the guilt and the fear I had of him. Guilt cause this was not the man I loved, fear because he was beyond violent, the police were afraid of him.

Now having wrote all of that, I loved him, regardless of his actions. I learned years later that he had had brain surgery and had a metal plate placed in his head. It wasn't until that point that he became extremely violent, I can forgive him because it was out of his control. Medications were not working, you figure this was 30 years ago they did not know half of what they know now. When he died I was devastated, He died the most in human way, alone in a crack house of a diabetic coma. I grieved because regardless of what happened he never got the chance to get his life back together, I grieved becayse I never got the chance to tell him that I forgave him, cause I did. I grieved because while he was the reason my childhood was cruel, life had been just as cruel to him.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

holy schmoly m2m, thats intense. I dont know, its so hard. I debated on finding my birth mother, but it is hard because of my adoption being a closed adoption.. I hope everything works out for you Singledad! xox

 

[Satori]

M2M,Xero, My heart goes out to you. What you've been through is nothing short of torture, but you've come out winners and I'm sure your stories will inspire SD and others. I know it has inspired me. Thanks so much for sharing XOXOX

 

[singledad]

Now having wrote all of that, I loved him, regardless of his actions. I learned years later that he had had brain surgery and had a metal plate placed in his head. It wasn't until that point that he became extremely violent, I can forgive him because it was out of his control. Medications were not working, you figure this was 30 years ago they did not know half of what they know now. When he died I was devastated, He died the most in human way, alone in a crack house of a diabetic coma. I grieved because regardless of what happened he never got the chance to get his life back together, I grieved becayse I never got the chance to tell him that I forgave him, cause I did. I grieved because while he was the reason my childhood was cruel, life had been just as cruel to him.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but thank you for sharing it with me.

I understand what you mean about being able to forgive him, because it wasn't his fault. What my mother is claiming is that she had DID (dissociative identity disorder), and that the identity or "alter" that was dominant when we were kids, didn't have children. (Weird, yes) That would explain why she spent so much time acting as if we didn't exist. But when you say you love him, regardless, I can't relate. I don't love my mother, and I don't think I ever have. In fact I remember how when I moved in with my grandma at 16, I got upset and angry when she showed me love, because I didn't know how to react. Love was all new, and very scary and confusing to me... That is what my mother did to me.

There were other thing too, of course. She should have protected us from our father. She shouldn't have let us go into foster care, etc. Most of that I've made peace with. I still live with the consequences, both emotional and physical, but 99% of the time I'm OK. But those empty years... Perhaps I wanted to hear that she did love me, even though it couldn't fill that hole. Perhaps knowing that she did love me could ease that pain...

Perhaps I'm overthinking this.

 

[mom2many]

I have done some research on DID, it has always slightly fascinated me.

Not that long ago Oprah (yes I watch it on occasion) had a show with a woman who had 10+ personalities, while she was dealing with this she was also trying to raise a DD. It was very interesting, you might like to see if you can find it somewhere cause the DD had a unique perspective on it. There were times that she does get very hurt, especially with one of the particular personalities. I remember thinking how hard it had to be on the DD, she understands her moms disorder and yet she still get's very hurt be her mom's personalities.

But when you say you love him, regardless, I can't relate. I don't love my mother, and I don't think I ever have.

I didn't always love him, I was blinded for many years by the hurt, anger and trauma of the whole thing. I had to make a very conscious effort to move past that all. It's hard especially when the memories are always there.

Perhaps I wanted to hear that she did love me, even though it couldn't fill that hole. Perhaps knowing that she did love me could ease that pain...

Give it time, she didn't run from you guys. She didn't lie about who she is, that shows that there is something there. Don't expect to suddenly feel "all better" this whole journey is going to take time, and a lot of it. It took years to build up the resentment you have, it will take years to break it down.

 

[singledad]

Not that long ago Oprah (yes I watch it on occasion) had a show with a woman who had 10+ personalities, while she was dealing with this she was also trying to raise a DD. It was very interesting, you might like to see if you can find it somewhere cause the DD had a unique perspective on it.

Thanks m2m, I'll see if I can find it. I'm trying to find out as much as I can right now, to try to understand a bit better.

 

[mom2many]

Here is a snipit off of Oprah's site I think youtube has more..

Introduction to Kim Noble's Multiple Personalities - Video - Oprah.com

 

[IADad]

M2M - thanks for sharing your story - it's scary, it's sad. I'm sorry he never had a chance to become more of the man you loved again and I hope you find comfort in his rest.

singledad - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you as you go through this journy. Don't put any pressure on yourself as to what you should feel, just take the information you get and the person you get to know for what they are and let your heart do with it what it will. Understanding the situation is a huge step foreward, any other feelings may never come, or may take lots of time. Consider what has happended recently as a positive thing in your life and don't put any pressure on yourself.

Take care.

 

[singledad]

Here is a snipit off of Oprah's site I think youtube has more..

Introduction to Kim Noble's Multiple Personalities - Video - Oprah.com

Thanks, I watched it last night, together with a bunch of other videos. Its pretty scary stuff...

singledad - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you as you go through this journy. Don't put any pressure on yourself as to what you should feel, just take the information you get and the person you get to know for what they are and let your heart do with it what it will. Understanding the situation is a huge step foreward, any other feelings may never come, or may take lots of time. Consider what has happended recently as a positive thing in your life and don't put any pressure on yourself.

Thank you. At this stage I'm approaching it like a fact-finding mission. I'm trying to learn as much as possible about her disorder (assuming that its real for now) and trying to get to know her as a person. I'm trying to leave my emotions out of it as far as possible - to stay neutral and objective. We're still messaging back and forth, and we have set up a meeting for the three of us this coming weekend.

I do think this is a positive thing. It isn't easy, but I never expected it to be. I believe that in the end it will make a positive difference in my life.

 

[singledad]

Just an update:

There has been a lot of communication over the last two weeks, and yesterday we met in person for the second time. I think we all understand that it is going to take some time, but I really think we are moving towards a happy ending. It felt really good to be able to say to her all the things that I've been keeping to myself all these years, and right now, I am willing to believe her when she says that there was always a part of her that did care. To be honest, that is all I really needed to know. The rest is details that, once we've put it all on the table, will probably turn out to not be so very relevant any more.

Trust is still an issue, and will possibly always be. The only thing that could possibly change that is time. The good news is that we have all agreed to work on that together.

Thank you, once again, for all of you who responded to this thread with advice and messages of support. It meant a lot.

 

[Xero]

I'm so happy for you! It seems like this could really be a good thing for everyone involved. It wont fix your past, and nothing can change what has been done, but at least it can help you heal certain parts of your mind and soul. I hope you guys are able to make some good healthy progress and everything turns out for the best.

 

[superman]

all the best dude

 

[mom2many]

That's a great update SD, I hope things continue to go well!

 

[AliceJ]

Of course dont ask directly "are you our mother?". Start with something general

 

[AngelLight]

Wish I could grasp the mentality of the kind of person who can walk away from their child. My two kids are growing up without a father and it is very painful for them. It is especially painful when my 4 year old daughter tells me she wants her daddy. The males in my family believe my 18 year old son lacks masculinity because he doesn't know how to do manual labor and they're probably right but my consolation is that they perhaps lack some sensibility and my son is a little more balanced than they are. It is psychologically draining for me and I am perplexed by the idea that even though their father has been absent, they would still look for him one day. So I guess my point is that it is unnatural for parents to be absent and it is perfectly natural for a child to seek their parent but honestly, it is all a mistery to me. Perhaps it is associated with forgiveness and the strong bond that exists between mother/father and child. I truly hope you find your mother and when you do, that you find peace in knowing her. Also be prepared for whatever the encounter may end up being.

 

[singledad]

Wish I could grasp the mentality of the kind of person who can walk away from their child. My two kids are growing up without a father and it is very painful for them. It is especially painful when my 4 year old daughter tells me she wants her daddy. The males in my family believe my 18 year old son lacks masculinity because he doesn't know how to do manual labor and they're probably right but my consolation is that they perhaps lack some sensibility and my son is a little more balanced than they are. It is psychologically draining for me and I am perplexed by the idea that even though their father has been absent, they would still look for him one day. So I guess my point is that it is unnatural for parents to be absent and it is perfectly natural for a child to seek their parent but honestly, it is all a mistery to me. Perhaps it is associated with forgiveness and the strong bond that exists between mother/father and child. I truly hope you find your mother and when you do, that you find peace in knowing her. Also be prepared for whatever the encounter may end up being.

Thank you AngelLight. I did find her, and we are slowly getting to know one another. And yes, it is bringing me peace even though we had to open a lot of old wounds to get here. Sometimes, when a wound has been festering for so long, you have to cut it open before it can heal. It hurts, but only marginally more than leaving it as it is...

You know, I thought it was about forgiveness, and in a sense it is, but it is also about who I am. You parents are part of who you are, whether or not you grew up with them, and in getting to know my mother, I am getting to know myself a bit better. One day your children may want to look for their father. I know it doesn't make sense, but everyone deserves to know where they come from, even if it isn't a good place. It is part of who they are, and they may never quite understand themselves until they get to know that part. I know I didn't.