My teen having sex...

[SusyLoren]

My Daughter is is 2 months away from 18 and she recently told me that her and he fiance want to have sex. she isnt a virgin but he is and I told her that they were going to get married soon and they should wait to have something to look forward to in their relationship and they are rushing it. She told me that they have been together for 8 months and they love each other and they want to have sex.. I don't know what to do. I told her that if she had sex in my house he wouldnt be allowed to come over and I'd be angry but I cant control what they do when they aren't here I just told her that I didn't think it was a good idea

 

[Father_0f_7]

Really that's all you can do. Hopefully she will respect your wishes and not do it in your house. I completely agree, I know my older kids have sex...i'm not an idiot but this is MY house and MY rules.

BUT, having said that. There are other places they can do it. Just remember that. Hotels, his house, some random parking lot (maybe not, but you never know).

I would really just make sure she knows to be safe, birth control AND condoms. Ask her to think about it a little longer, and if she hasn't already, talk to him about it.

 

[DaveM]

SusyLoren,

I read some of your other posts about your daughter, and it seems to me like you really need to loosen up a bit. Your daughter is an adult now. I think your parenting needs to reflect that. Sure you need rules, but it sounds like you are forcing a lot of decisions on her. I think she needs your advice and guidance and input on your life experiences at this point, so she can then take that and make her <I>own</I> decisions, whether you think they are right or wrong.

Are you very religous? I think that not having sex before marrige is a big mistake! Especially due to the fact that he is a virgin. Excuse me for being blunt, but once he has sex with your daughter (and they will, one way or another) they are going to want to do it a lot more. I worry with them being so young and say they do get married, I am sure their minds will eventually wonder about sexual relations with others, especially for him, who would have only had 1 sexual partner. The marrige may not last as a result. And then what about college and the experiances that happen there?

I think things need to slow down (the marrige at least). Dont make decisions for your daughter, help her to make smart decisions. Enable her to have safe sex by supporting her and going to the doctors with her, etc. The last thing you want is a child added in this mix.

 

[Xero]

So what? They're engaged already. If you don't want them doing it in your house, that's understandable I suppose, but you shouldn't think badly of them wanting to do it in general.

I personally think that them wanting to get married is the thing that has been rushed. They are pretty young to be doing that, especially before experiencing living together and having sex etc. That's the way I look at it though! Marriage is a big committment and I think it all comes down to making sure you REALLY feel like its going to last. Refraining from sex before marriage is not only unimportant, but a bad idea as well IMO. I think it should go sex-live together-marriage lol, the other way around seems backwards to me if you think reasonably about it.

Its perfectly sensible to want to try it before you buy it.

 

[friend]

A kid is never too young to start to learn about his/her sexuality. That's why I showed my kids how to do the "asscheek rammler"

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Uploaded with ImageShack.us

 

[Mathias58]

There is a point that you have to let your kids grow up and make their own decisions and mistakes. At least they are actually thinking about it which means they are also thinking about the consequences.

 

[sottilare]

I understand how it might feel to "give permission" for your daughter to have sex but then again, it is her life and it is her own fiancee, not some random guy she thinks she "loves" after a week. I'm sure that she has put much thought into it, and she has even asked you for advice, which means she is considerate of your thoughts as well.

Just tell her what you posted here and be absolutely clear- that you don't want it done in your house and you aren't 100% on board with her, but that it's her own decision and whatever consequences come of it will be her own.

 

[NancyM]

Hey Suseyloren

I'm probably the odd one out again, but I don't have a problem knowing my son is having sex. He's 19 and his gf is a little older. They even stay at my house.!! oooooooh lol but..I can't be hypocritical about it.

When my husband and I were dating, of course we did the deed, and the bad part about it was that we had to hide, and always lie and pretend we weren't doing any such thing.... and we ended up in some really raunchy and, dangerous places.

I didn't tell my son to go ahead and have sex all over our house, but I just said 'you girl friend is a nice kid, and if you want to bring her here and you guys want to hang out in your room that's ok with your dad and I.' and it just made everyone relax,
they're here a lot, and we got to know her really well as a result. which was nice.

So this way there is no wondering where they are, and we know they're safe. His gf lives so far away, and during our really bad winter months I use to worry about her getting home as well so this worked out where she didn't have to leave in the middle of the night during bad ice and snow, and he didn't have to leave her house either to drive home.

It's your house to lay your rules, but you can't stop them from being intimate, and if it were me, I'd be worring about where the heck they were doing it. Not to minimize your concern at all, but they really could be doing worse things. JMO
Good Luck

 

[Momof1]

I would tell them they should wait til they are married because I believe you should save sex for marriage and only have sex with your partner. That is my belief. You need to do what is right for you. But what I would do is encourage her to wait til the honeymoon, but tell her if they go ahead and do it to please be prepared with birth control methods so that nothing unexpected will happen that could throw their plans off track. She is an adult now if she is 18 and there is nothing you can do to change her decisions, all you can do is recommend what you think is the right way, maybe she will listen and maybe she won't, but that's really all you can do.

 

[Dadu2004]

all you can do is recommend what you think is the right way, maybe she will listen and maybe she won't, but that's really all you can do.

Yep.

 

[Aureliaw]

This is so very true! All we can do is raise them the best that we can using our own knowledge and the knowledge of others then we have to let them go and trust they will rely on what they've been taught.

Aurelia Williams

There is a point that you have to let your kids grow up and make their own decisions and mistakes. At least they are actually thinking about it which means they are also thinking about the consequences.

 

[Mommy_Colleen]

When I saw the thread title I wan thinking a 13 year old or 15 or so, I didn't imagine we are talking about an 18 year old.

Well my husband married really young with his first wife, she got pregnant and parents wants them to marry. Thing of course didn't turned out well.

Now my husband's says he would rather equip his children with knowledge on how to not get pregnant or not get someone pregnant and not catch STD than preventing them from having sex.

Because sex is going to happen when they want it to happen. We will be so lucky if they waited till they get married although I don't advice that too..

For my 18 month daughter, i will tell her to be wise and enjoy her life, live it first before settling down, and I'll tell her to be wise and don't make babies when she's not yet ready.

 

[parentastic]

Now my husband's says he would rather equip his children with knowledge on how to not get pregnant or not get someone pregnant and not catch STD than preventing them from having sex.

Yes, this has pretty much been the same way across every country and culture around the world: abstinence as a "safety" method simply does not work.
In USA, in the bible belt, those states most heavily religious where abstinence was used as the only sex education, they have the highest teen pregnancy rate in virtually every single developed country and compared to any other state where real sex education is taught.

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[teenage_parent]

if they want to do it, they'll do it.

i admire the way you raise them. obviously, you were able to establish a perpetual line of communication. i hope i can raise my daughter to be that open too.

i hope that you keep that.

they will do it if they want to do it. i suggest you tell them your opinion and then give them the "possibilities" and consequences if they do it.

most importantly, remind them the importance of safe sex.

 

[NancyM]

Yes, this has pretty much been the same way across every country and culture around the world: abstinence as a "safety" method simply does not work.
In USA, in the bible belt, those states most heavily religious where abstinence was used as the only sex education, they have the highest teen pregnancy rate in virtually every single developed country and compared to any other state where real sex education is taught.

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

I agree that is is more sensible to teach our teens about safe sex, than to preach abstinence. Sex is a giant part of our lives, and I think us parents should be the ones who first explain it to our children instead of having them learn about it on their own, or be put in a dangerous situation while out with friends.

I also agree that teens, both boys and girls should feel free to speak to their doctors about birth control methods as well as safe sex methods and not feel ashamed about it.

I mentioned it once or twice to my son when I realized he was probably having sex, I suggested in the least, he should be sure to let the dr know he was sexually active. My son got a little embarrassed but he got the medical advice.

 

[sbattisti]

I find it interesting that the OP is worried that they are rushing the sex, but she's 18 and getting married? Seems to me THAT's the more dangerous thing to rush...

Aside from that, I'm pretty much on board with NancyM.

 

[sandrabeek]

I don't see whats so wrong about this..?

 

[firstlove85]

My son is 17 and dating an 18 year old who has had 2 longterm relationships prior to him. This is his first GF and after 2 months they were sexually active. I am not happy. He thinks it is okay to bring her to our home and do this in his bedroom. I am not comfortable anymore. I am thinking about my daughter who is 15 and the example it is setting. My husband does not seem to have a problem with it. This is his son and he is getting it. Wow... wait until his little girl tries this.I am at a deadend road. It is rocky between my son and I because I am always the one who has to bring up issues. Husband never opens mouth.

 

[Helene]

It is great that your daughter is so sincere with you, and you should not destroy such relations.... My daughter is 13, and I think in some years I will have the similar problems, and I hope she will behave the same way...

 

[mom867]

I would have to agree with sbattisti, how are you worried about them rushing to have sex, but not worried about them getting married? definately seems rushed to me. at that age, i think you should relax some, she is plenty old to have sex...