My wife has trouble letting go of things....

[Dagwood]

I need advice. My wife and I rarely argue but every time I bring up decluttering she seems to become defensive and angry. For example, we have a spare bedroom. The closet is totally filled with toys and books for young children. There are bunk-beds in this room and the top bunk is filled with toys. And there's several shelves with more toys and a toy storage unit that's also filled with such things as Duplo, toy animals and toy cars. There's also a crib set up in the room as well. My oldest two are young adults and my youngest is 13. Here's how the discussion usually goes:

My wife says that men just have no sense of sentimentality. - I don't mind keeping one or two things for sentimental purposes but I would rather see the toys go to less fortunate children who could make use of them rather than gathering dust.

She also says that these things are not causing any harm in that room so why not just leave them. - I would like the room tidied up so it can be used as a proper and neat guest room or for other purposes.

She says that we can save these things for our grandchildren. - None of our children is even currently dating so I see grandchildren being perhaps a decade away. And besides, toys are cheap these days and space is expensive. When we have grandchildren we will probably want to buy them new things rather than pass on old toys.

There are other parts of the house where a similar scenario arises (eg. old files) but perhaps I should just concentrate on the toy issue for now.

Is it normal to hold onto all this stuff? Am I being unsentimental? How should I handle this?

 

[IADad]

sound like you have a neophite hoarder on your hands. Holding onto stuff for the grandkids? Maybe a, ONE, box of good sentimental toys, ones that aren't likely to become toxic or dangerous in the next round of government regulation, perhaps, but a room full?

BUT - in defense of your wife, perhaps attacking the issue as "de-cluttering" gets her on the defneisve early. How long have you been married? Did an evening out ever go well if you started out by telling her "wow, that dress really makes your hips look big...."?

Maybe you need to have a plan for what gets saved and how and where. Maybe you need to snag a copy of a home improvement magazine the next time you sneak off to Lowe's (don't lie to me, I know you do it. I see you standing there by the toggle bolts, wondering how many you should stock up on...(I'm usually around the corner trying to figure out the best cabinet hinges for that bar I going to build "someday."))

So, if you started marking some "guest room ideas, maybe bring home some paint samples and wait for it ...."swatches...." ask her about shams and dust ruffles...in short, play her game by her rules rather than butting heads on "we gotta get all this uselss trash outta here...."

just a thought.

 

[MJCorr]

I would say I am just like your wife. When I married mine I sold my house and moved in with her. It was a 2 family and my apartment was full of stuff.

I had friends pack up when I moved, they told me later they filled a large truck and took it to the dump. The rest went into storage.

After my son was born we bought a new house and all the storage stuff completely filled the garage.

My wife learned early on not to talk to me about getting rid of MY stuff!

I had tried for years to force myself to do it, but it just kind of overwhelmed me and I couldn't do it, I would make excuses.

But then I discovered a book that really changed things for me it's "Clean Your Clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston (not selling it, probably can get it from the library).

I ignored the Feng Shui stuff but something in it just clicked for me. I emptied out the garage.

It wasn't a quick fix though. Whenever I want to work on something else I read it again. I once was able to get rid of 2000 books I had collected since I was 4 years old (52 years).

It might help...

Regards, MJ

 

[alter ego]

im a bit the same ( i know i dont need textbooks from 10yrs agp!!!) and we have approached it by planing to renovate and redecorate.
having plans for the space has made me clear it out

 

[MomoJA]

I don't know what to say. I'm with you. I understand how difficult it is for your wife to part with things. I have to go through my daughter's stuff 10 or 12 times before I finally dwindle it down to a reasonable amount of stuff. But I've moved around enough to have learned how liberating it is to have less stuff.

Maybe you can get your kids involved. Let them go through the things and decide 5 or 10 things they each want to keep, and then give the rest to St. Vincent De Paul's or Goodwill or the local school or shelter.

I have to add that my daughter has doesn't have that much stuff to begin with. Probably 3 times as much as I had when I was a kid, so it seems like I'm overflowing with toys, but compared to all her cousins, she's deprived, so maybe I have it easier to start with.

 

[GavinH]

I live in a townhouse and we do not have a lot of storage. selecting what to keep from all the kids toys is tough. keeping toys to pass down is rarely a good idea unless they are very unique or well made. I do however keep a 'sentimental' box for each child. These items are the very special ones, the 'I Love Your Forever' book she read over and over, school report cards and hair from the first haircut. Keeping the box small and making sure it is very special is important though.

 

[xayuk]

I am more or less quiet sentimental like your wife and yes many times it is very difficult to declutter. My husband is just like you and if it was for him , we should throw everything away. It seems that nothing has any sentimental value for him but i think it is because the children are quiet often more with their mum then with dad.when my husband starts to rumble about decluttering he makes me nervous and very sad and then it is more difficult to start the process. I think this also haqppens to your wife the more you tell her about it the more difficult it will be for her to declutter. I think you shoould not tell her about it for some time and then she will do it by herself! That is what I usually do when I wake up one day feeling great I usually start decluttering and throw away anything unuseful!

 

[MJCorr]

I think this also haqppens to your wife the more you tell her about it the more difficult it will be for her to declutter. I think you shoould not tell her about it for some time and then she will do it by herself!

I agree, as I mentioned earlier in this thread I am a big hoarder. If my wife mentions it I push her away and just refuse to accept it. But when she ignores the situation for awhile I will suddenly get the urge to do some decluttering. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little but it eventually gets done.

 

[Mike McConnell]

Cut the house in half. let her clutter up her half and you enjoy your half. Or give her the garage for whatever she wants - but the house is yours?