My wife won't stop hitting my son :-(...

[FooserX]

We've talked about it before, and she admits she's wrong for hitting our 4 year old...but everytime he acts up, she lets things get to her...and ends up spanking him. I don't get it. :-(

Once she calms down, she feels horrible...and then spoils him...but once he misbehaves, it's like we never had that talk.

This weekend, she even hit him in the head! It wasn't a hard hit...or something he even cried about, but just watching her do it out of frustration made me furious.

I know not many people are going to admit it...but has anyone had this problem? Or had a spouse who had this problem? Any thoughts?

I don't think it'll get worse...and it's not like some kind of domestic abuse issue where she is looking to inflict pain on someone...she just reacts physically to him. It's not really hard either...but I don't like it!

 

[fallon]

I had this problem...Once I got so mad I hit her with her shoe, not hard but I couldn't believe what I had done. Do you talk to her about this...like really talk or is it something you fight about? The cycle she has going, with hitting, than feeling bad, than spoiling him...that's not working. maybe the 2 of you could come up with a better solution together.

 

[FooserX]

maybe the 2 of you could come up with a better solution together.

That's why I'm posting here genius! To come up with something!

*leaves before he gets hit with a shoe*

 

[fallon]

*get back here so I can smack you*

does she understand that this method isn't working? some people don't...I guess what I'm wondering is have you sat down with her and had a converstation about this? does she know it upsets you?
I find with DebraLyn if I am really upset with her it's best if I send her to her room for a little bit till I have calmed down or I make her sit on the stairs or something. Once I've taken a minute to decided the best way to handle whatever it is we talk about what she has done and why it's wrong

 

[musicmom]

Everytime she hits him give her a swack as a reminder and see how she likes it. She needs to understand that when you hit a child in anger it shows the child to do the same. She loses ground with him when she does that. Hitting a child in anger only degrates the child and doesn't teach them a thing.

 

[FooserX]

does she understand that this method isn't working?

When she's calm, she understands it's not working. It's not like she's in denial or something.

But when she loses her patience, in the moment, she really loses all sense of control and reality. I don't get how an adult can be so unable to control themselves, but hey...some people are like that.

If I step in when she does this, she just feels like I'm attacking her and proceeds to find something mean to say to me. It's not until a few minutes later does she realize what she just did.

Since it hasn't escalated...it hasn't been a real problem. But we've had the talk more than once now...so it's becoming an issue because it keeps happening. I was fine with a spank now and then...even though I didn't like it...but when she hit him on the forehead over the weekend...ack....

I told Bradley to tell her not to hit him when she does it, or before she does it. Like "Please don't hit me mom"

Maybe hearing it from him will get the point across?

 

[fallon]

actually I think having him do that might just work...Bring her around to reality ya know. I know if it was me it would break my heart to hear my child ask me not to hit her

 

[FooserX]

Everytime she hits him give her a swack as a reminder and see how she likes it.

lol...that is retarded advice, but thanks.

 

[jtee]

This is a very tough one.

I have a good buddy that struggled with this one for several years with his wife and son. And in their case, things did escalate to the point where his wife was throwing their son against the wall with significant force. There was a period of 2-3 years where my buddy would <U>never</U> leave them alone together because he needed to be there to keep things from escalating. When he was around, he could see the (dysfunctional) pattern as it started happening, and would do\say things to keep it under control, such as take their son outside, send him to his room, or whatever. However, he couldn't stop it from happening all the time, and a few times a year, the boy would get hit so hard it would knock him off his feet.

In their case, they simply survived\managed it, because it never really stopped until their son was older (13+). Her particular problem was hormonal, when she would get into a rage, it was like dealing with a person who was seriously drunk, no amount of talking would work during the "Rage". My buddy simply made sure their son was safe from harm.

If you, or anyone else has the HBO family channel, I highly recommend that every parent watch: Brent Killed Mom it is a documentary by Ellen Goodenberg about why her younger brother at age 15 stabbed their mother to death one afternoon after school. It shows what happens in families that struggle with this issue and it continues to escalate to the point where somebody gets killed. This is a great documentary on this subject and it doesn't over state things, nor pull any punches.


http://www.hbo.com/apps/schedule/ScheduleServlet?ACTION_DETAIL=DETAIL&amp;FOCUS_ID=565308[/URL]

 

[musicmom]

I could see that happening.

 

[Trina]

I would look into anger management help. Also look into any parenting classes offered in your community. I hope your wife is able to learn how to control this.

 

[Grace]

If you are writing for serious answers then you have to face the fact that the situation is serious. One of the most common reasons that people hit their children in a rage is when they are loosing control of their children. It may not be possible to always be available to intervene as has been suggested. I have two suggestions. First, have her try doing the "anger dance" every time she is going to hit your son. She can jump up, down make wild noises, spin, or any other movement that uses her rage energy. And/or you can you set up a Change Behavior Chart with your wife. The first stage: The chart has two columns. On the left is the behavior she did. On the right is the new behavior to replace it. When she has written this down then she does it. Stage two: After a while she will actually stop the unacceptable behavior and be able to do a new behavior. She still writes down the unacceptable behavior, but now she gets to cross it out because she did not do it. Third stage: She is not tempted to do an unacceptable behavior. She just writes down the new behaviors. This is a six to eight week process. It will not happen overnight. But the dance can be immediate!
I sure hope this helps

 

[Teresa]

I haven't read the rest of the responses yet, Fooser, so forgive me if this has already been covered. Would your wife be open to the idea of taking some sort of parenting/discipline class, where she could learn other ways of dealing with those situations which are now causing her to hit him?

Since it hasn't escalated...it hasn't been a real problem.

I disagree....she's hitting a small child....and she hit him in the HEAD. To me, that's a real problem, even if it just happened one time.

 

[FooserX]

Thank you everyone for your responses - Jtee, Grace, and Trina. I will read over each one carefully another time or two...and use the advice.

It doesn't seem that bad, but I can see it escalating as he gets bigger...like...maybe he's able to handle more...so she thinks it's okay to exert more. I don't know. :-(

We have gone to counseling before about something similar a long time ago.

 

[Mandi_1s]

Thank you everyone for your responses - Jtee, Grace, and Trina. I will read over each one carefully another time or two...and use the advice.

It doesn't seem that bad, but I can see it escalating as he gets bigger...like...maybe he's able to handle more...so she thinks it's okay to exert more. I don't know. :-(

We have gone to counseling before about something similar a long time ago.

I would ask what she feels she needs to see out of your son to feel she is getting through.

My dads method of discipline had the intention of bringing about a 'significant emotional event' in order to feel that what was happening would be remembered. He didn't feel he was being effective unless there were tears.

Ask your wife what she needs to see in your son in order to feel she is disciplining effectively. Does a child have to cry in order to demonstrate that they are appropriately chastised? I would also ask her if she is trying to break his spirit rather than curbing his actions, gently (ha) explaining that were she to get the desired response through spanking she is teaching her child to submit to being bullied. (point blank calling her a bully would likely get you spanked)

Things COULD escalate because as your son gets older he will gain a greater ability to withhold that reaction in a passive aggressive way, or he may overreact to validate her need for a reaction and to avoid being spanked and even use this tactic outside of the house as a means of dealing with conflict or other aggressive persons. (this kid is usually called 'the crier' by teachers and peers, although not always to their face - since they would cry)

The spoiling after says she would regret putting emotional distance between her and her son, but could lend itself to either outcome.

Working with both of them to help your son give her the responses that will allow her to feel she is getting through and in control of the situation will help from that end.

Finding ways to help her see the big picture and that she can be effective without being physical will hopefully help from the other end.

 

[sanjay]

My mom used to get frustrated with me and fly into a rage where she hit me (usually face slaps). She would then spoil me afterwards and buy me things. I found it confusing as a kid, but my dad made sure that my sister and I both knew that she was succeptible to mood swings where she would yell and hit, but that her normal self was who she really was. To this day I tease my mom about her PMSiness when I was younger. It was a phase where she was under a lot of stress and she just had a lousy way to deal with the stress. It was scary at first, but then I learned to ride it out because she never really hit me hard enough to hurt me. At a certain point she realized she was being a nut-job and she would either cry or laugh in order to release her steam.

I realize that my post is not a solution, but I wanted you to know that it happens.

 

[momprenuer]

If your wife is aware and feels badly perhaps she would be open to some anger management counseling? Even a book may help her find ways to calm down before reacting to her child.

 

[Lissa]

Easy one. Divorce her.

 

[eric@sealguide]

Your wife needs help. Go to a professional and get her help. You have a duty and responsibility to your child's safety. This behavior is NOT okay and it is NOT normal.

 

[ella97b]

it is a good thing for you to take note of this situation and im glad you are having discussions about it. maybe its how she was brought up and so she thinks that it really works. in her point of view, she sees progress or the good result of it, or it's really an outlet of her stresses...

i think that if you kept magnifying on her anger, you might end up getting frustrated and she might think that you are focusing mainly on her anger vis-a-vis with her discipline style... it will become a personal attack on her then. why not give her a time out perhaps, like treat her out on a vacation, to loosen up. then you may also want to give her more time to bond with your child, to places where they can enjoy having each other..i think they need some time for this... divert the opportunity... then from there let's see some progress... you have to find a way for your wife to shift her view of your child as an obligation or a sort of a stress source, to her best friend...

for your child, it is best for you to neutralize the situation... always talk to your child. tell him that his mom loves him so much and always obey her and love her... and say sorry for what you did. something like that. divert his attention from hitting to being positive and strong about it.

my prayers are for you and for your family... be strong.