Natural consequences...

[singledad]

Lately, there have been a few threads that made it clear that, while most of us agree that using natural consequences are very effective for teaching children about right and wrong, we don't all necessarily interpret what exactly this means in the same way.

So, my question to you is this:
1. What do you understand under the term "natural consequences",
2. How do you apply it as a parent tool, and
3. Is it enough, or do you need to do more?

LOL. Perhaps this should be in the debate section, but lets see how it goes first.

 

[cybele]

My understanding is that it is the natural effect of an action. Every action has a consequence, either positive or negative.

There are times it is appropriate, such as a teenager stuffs around in the morning, is late for school, gets detention. There are times when it is inappropriate, such as when I say "don't touch that snake".

If I think the lesson gets across, we leave it at that.

 

[mom2many]

Cybele hit it on the head.

Don't put your hand in the fire, wear a helmet when bike riding...anything that could cause long term damage is "because I said so"

You'll get wet if you don't wear a coat, so they get wet. Don't study for a test, they'll fail. Climb on top of the kitchen table, and after removing 50 times, I let you fall. You fall and you get what I was saying (not a high table).

All things have an action that comes back to you, it can be good, it can be bad, and some point they learn this on their own. The question is do they do it the hard way or the easy way.

 

[IADad]

oh my, my definition probably shifts with the circumstances and frankly, how convenient or inconvenient it is for the rest of us to live through the consequences.

More and more I feel like I'm "winging it."

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

I am trying to teach my daughter, Kate (7) through natural consequences but it just is not sinking in yet.

This evening, she came in screaming because she had fallen off her bike after going to fast, the poor darling came in with blood squirting out of her knee, I gave her one huge hug and sat her on my knee and said to her "sweetheart, you shouldn't have been going to fast on your bike, have you learnt a valuable lesson?", she answered, still crying, "yes but only reason that I went fast was to keep up with my friends" so I said "but darling, they would have waited for you, they are older than you so are able to go fast, they also know that you are a bit slow so wouldn't have left you behind". It was very hard seeing how visibly upset poor Kate was, she sat on my knee for about 2-3mins until she had stopped crying.

Another one which is good for her to learn from natural consequence is her not zipping her coat on rainy or unpleasant days. I have said in the thread that I started that she doesn't like getting soaked but also "hates a zipped up coat", she will decide that her coat doesn't need zipped but then complain at being soaked so I then have to say to her "if you get soaked then you know that you can zip your coat up but, you chose not to so you now can't complain at being soaked, so either zip it up in order to stay dry or stop whining over getting soaked, your choice.

Will it take her time to learn from "natural consequences" or should it be instant?

 

[singledad]

LOL. I made this thread and then kinda forgot about it

SO... to answer my own questions -
To me, using natural consequences as a teaching method means to do my best to to teach my daughter to think about possibly consequences before she does something, to re-evaluate afterwards, and to ultimately decide whether or not something is worth the consequences of it. I believe that being able to think this way will in time equip her to make good decision, and also to decide whether or not something is the right thing to do, even in the absence of clear rules.

For me, it starts before my daughter does something - when she asks to do something, or I see she wants to and I can catch her, I speak to her, and explain the consequences of what she wants to do. Then I ask her to answer one question - do you think it will be worth it? Then, in most cases, she gets to make up her own mind.

When she has already done something, I sit her down again, and as her if she understands why the consequences she experienced happened. Depending on her answer, I may or may not continue to explain exactly how and why her actions lead to the consequences she experienced. Then, again, I ask her if she thinks it was worth it. I ask her this because I want her to think about the costs/benefits of her decisions.

(Yes, I dread the days she does something dangerous, gets hurt, and then tells me "yes, it was worth it". I can see she's a bit of a risk-taker, so that day will come, and when it does, I'll have to deal with it! :/)

I've been implementing this method for a while now (at least 2 years or so) and I can see that she's beginning to learn to think about consequences. Of course, it will take many years still before she really does it effectively, but I'm hoping that by consciously teaching her, she'll learn faster.

Interestingly, the more I implement this method, and the older my daughter gets, the more it becomes sufficient and the less need I have to either asserting absolute authority, or implementing some sort of artificial consequence.

 

[singledad]

Will it take her time to learn from "natural consequences" or should it be instant?

It takes lots of time, patience, and repetition. Remember that a child's pre-frontal cortex (the section that is used to weight outcomes and make decisions) may not mature until they reach mid-20s. So they aren't physically able to do this at the level of an adult. That is why we have to constantly be there to teach and explain, and not expect them to make too complex/important decisions at a too young age.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

A very good one that I use on Kate quite a bit is that if she doesn't eat her Dinner then she can't have any snacks, she is very bad for not eating her dinner and then about an hour or two later, coming down for biscuits but I then step in and take biscuits back and say to her "you can't have them because you didn't eat your dinner" but she just runs upstairs crying.

It teaches her that the consequences of not eating her dinner is, she doesn't get any snacks after Dinner.

 

[cybele]

More and more I feel like I'm "winging it."

I think that's the definition of parenting though