Need advice about childcare...

[wonderllamadad]

My wife of 4.5 years and I are divorcing and we have two young children together. My wife says that she does not want to be a mother anymore and says that she wants me to have residential custody of the children. My problem is that I cannot afford childcare for the children while I am at work. My wife will not be able to pay child support, as she is doesn't even know where she will stay or how she will make money. My family is all out of state, so I cannot have them watch the children. I don't know what to do.

 

[sbattisti]

This is a tough situation that will require some careful planning.

First off, in your divorce proceedings, you should be sure to get a court finding for support. Even if your soon-to-be-ex doesn't have any money right now, she will eventually, and if you have custody than she should be legally required to provide you with support. Don't overlook this now because it seems hopeless.

Second, it's time to do a budget. How much money could you possibly afford for child care? Come up with a number, and then try to find options that could work for you. Home-based day cares tend to be less expensive than centers, but you also have to be careful to select one in which your kids will prosper. If you've never stayed on a strict budget, now is the time to do so. Paying $100/month for cable? Ditch it. Eating out 4 times a week? Cut it back to one. And so on.

Finally, given the extremity of your circumstances, you may need to consider extreme solutions like moving to be closer to family who could help.

I wish you luck!

~s

 

[Xero]

I hate to advocate welfare and all, and I know none of us enjoy going for it, but in a time of REAL need, I think it is more than acceptable to call on the government for help. I would have to say that you would almost definitely qualify for child care coverage in your state. They do it here in PA. I have never used it, but I have friends that have. Most people have it entirely paid for, and some pay tiny fees. My one friend paid $5 a week for her daughter to go to preschool/daycare full time at the YMCA. Check out the website for state assistance in NY and you should be able to see right off the bat if they offer child care coverage, and you could even see if you're eligible and probably even apply right there on the site.

Also even aside from that, search online specifically to find out if there is a "head start" program in your area. Your older daughter could do that, it's actually a really nice preschool program that is federally funded (free for you). It could be good for her, and provide as child care for you. My brother went to head start and loved it, he learned a ton too. Its a good program.

But seriously, look into some state assistance with that, if you are seriously hurting on money and you can prove it, they WILL cover what it costs to put your kids in daycare so that you can go to work!

 

[wonderllamadad]

I hate to advocate welfare and all, and I know none of us enjoy going for it, but in a time of REAL need, I think it is more than acceptable to call on the government for help. I would have to say that you would almost definitely qualify for child care coverage in your state. They do it here in PA. I have never used it, but I have friends that have. Most people have it entirely paid for, and some pay tiny fees. My one friend paid $5 a week for her daughter to go to preschool/daycare full time at the YMCA. Check out the website for state assistance in NY and you should be able to see right off the bat if they offer child care coverage, and you could even see if you're eligible and probably even apply right there on the site.

Also even aside from that, search online specifically to find out if there is a "head start" program in your area. Your older daughter could do that, it's actually a really nice preschool program that is federally funded (free for you). It could be good for her, and provide as child care for you. My brother went to head start and loved it, he learned a ton too. Its a good program.

But seriously, look into some state assistance with that, if you are seriously hurting on money and you can prove it, they WILL cover what it costs to put your kids in daycare so that you can go to work!

According to a coworker I talked to this morning, DSS in my county should cover all but $70-$80 a week in childcare.

I went through Head Start where I grew up in CT for a year before starting kindergarten because I am autistic (though I wasn't diagnosed at the time). It would probably help my oldest socialize.

 

[Xero]

That's not so bad! Do you think you could cover the $70-$80?

 

[wonderllamadad]

That's not so bad! Do you think you could cover the $70-$80?

Probably not. It would be doable if I didn't pay $200 a month on student loans though.

 

[Xero]

Ick! I hear you on that one. We'll be paying off DH's student loans for a while. You know, since you're in a bind right now, you might be able to get it deferred for a little while. You should give them a call and ask them about it. Its surprisingly easier than you might think. DH has deferred his a couple of times when we were having money problems. (but all of that might of course depend on the type of loan, and the loaner etc etc, but its worth a try)

Also they might even cover more than that, it can't hurt to apply. Like I said, my friend only pays $5 a week.

 

[IADad]

Hey, I think you're headed the right direction here, getting some good advice. Definitely see about getting support ordered, even if she can't pay it now, she may be able to some day.

DEFINIETLY call about getting a hardship deferrment. You'll have to provide documentation, but it can be done, and you're much better off to work with them and be up-front that you are dodging it. I work right around the corner from the guys who work for the department of ed taking calls from people who are disputing stuff with ther student loan agencies, and I hear stuff all the time about deferrements and changed payment schedules. Make it very clear what you can and can't afford and see what you can work out. If you don't think you're getting treated fairly by the lender/servicer then take it to the department of Ed. They definitely have processes to help out and be sure you're getting treated fairly.

good luck!

 

[sbattisti]

Also, depending on how financially savvy you are, you might try to find someone to give you some help putting together a budget and come up with ideas to save money. This is in no way a knock on your intelligence - there are just a lot of money skills that many of us don't learn until we're forced to. It's amazing the obvious ways we can save money that most of us never realize.

 

[wonderllamadad]

Also, depending on how financially savvy you are, you might try to find someone to give you some help putting together a budget and come up with ideas to save money. This is in no way a knock on your intelligence - there are just a lot of money skills that many of us don't learn until we're forced to. It's amazing the obvious ways we can save money that most of us never realize.

I've always been good with saving money. When I was still in college and first started dating my now wife, we were getting by on $800/month (all earned by me) when it was taking most of my classmates twice as much to live the same way by themselves. I started programming self-calculating spreadsheets in high school to see the effects of my changes to each line item in my budget. I had to because I grew up in a family of 6 people in a poor neighborhood.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Sounds like you are getting good advice here. You must be feeling very overwhelmed right now. Divorce is not an easy thing and piling financial troubles on top of it has to be extremely stressful.

I just wanted to throw in my 2¢ regarding child support/custody/visitation. I understand that your soon to be ex doesn't want to be a mom any more, but it's just not that simple. Having children is one of those things you can't just easily 'take back'. She can get out of it, but she will have to give up all future rights as well. I'm guessing she probably doesn't want to do that. Anyhow, I strongly suggest that you get a child support order in place right away, as well as custody and visitation rulings. This isn't really so much to help you, it's for your children. It is their right to have these things. They do not need someone in their life that is supposed to be a solid supporter who is going to float in and out of their lives at their will. Don't even look at it like you are 'doing anything' TO her, you have to look at it like you are protecting the people whom you should protect, your children. You aren't doing this for you, you are doing it for them, and you certainly sound like the kind of father that wants everything for his children. They are entitled to this support and it is your job as their parent to make sure they get it. They didn't ask to be brought into this world, and it took two of you to get them here.

Sorry that you are going through a rough time. Please let us know what you find out. Sounds like you have a good handle on finances, so I hope that you get the assistance you need.

 

[Xero]

I agree that you should file for support anyway, because when she does start making money (and she has to eventually, she can't just never work ever again lol) then she should start paying support then, and you will already have it all on file. It might even motivate her to get a job and whatnot.

 

[sbattisti]

I totally agree that you need to make sure you get all of this in writing, and preferably in legal documents: support, custody, visitation. Saying you don't want to be a parent any more seems like an awfully rash or impulsive decision. With someone like that, I'd be really concerned she might come back later and be like, "Oh, changed my mind. I want the kids full-time" or something.

I think it's tremendously important, for your sake and the kids' sake, to make things as clear as possible and document everything.

I've been there - I know the tendency is to tell yourself, "She's the mother of my child, things won't get bad like that." The truth is it happens all the time. I have a close friend with two small children who is going through a divorce now, and her ex-, the father of her children, has just now accused her of molesting their kids. It's the worst nightmare ever, and she never had ANY inkling of him being capable of something like that. So, even if it makes you feel a little over-the-top, document everything, and try to get it formalized.

 

[JessicaMadison]

It looks like you've gotten some great advice. I don't think there is anything I can add. But I did want to say that I'm really sorry this is happening to you right now. It sounds like a tough situation. I hope it all works out in the end. I can't imagine. I feel bad for your girls too. Mommy is here one day and gone the next. They're going to need lots of support too! You seem like a good father so you'll be fine!