Need Advice - Biological Kids vs Someone Else's...

[geronimosan]

Hi all - brand new to the forums. Unsure exactly where to post this, so going to start here in these forums.

In general, I'm hoping to get advice on how to deal with the topic of deciding on the need to have one's own biological children versus being okay with someone else's children for my family.

For context, I'm a 42 yr old man, and for the past 7 months have been dating a 36 yr old single mother of a 10 yr old son and a 2 yr old daughter (she also was an IVF surrogate of twins for another family 4-5 years ago). She had her tubes tied after her last child, but for the first half of our relationship she was on-board with having another child between us, either through IVF or having a tied tube reversal. This of course made me happy as we could get married and have a great family of 5 between us, and one of those children would be from my own bloodline, which completely satisfied me. Great!

Over time, she slowly backed off from having another child, until she reached a point where she says if forced to make a decision right now, then No, not another child, and even down the road probably not. She has decided to move forward with a tummy tuck operation (which would mean if we were to have kids it would need to be through IVF), as well as breast augmentation surgery (which means no breast feeding if we were to have a child, which she is very much against). Essentially, she is now 99% sure she doesn't want another child.

We had been talking marriage, family, and future together, but with this latest development, our relationship has been on the rocks, on and off, while we tried to figure out whether there was a way to reconcile the issue. Now, she's told me that I either need to be 100% on-board with not having another child and we can move forward together, or we need to go our separate ways.

So, that throws me into a predicament (not to mention puts all the pressure on me). Before, I just knew I wanted a family, and I didn't need to consider whether I wanted my own biological child because she was willing to do it. Now, I love her and her kids very much, her kids, especially her daughter, and I have bonded well, and I could see us being a great family together. But in terms of me having my own biological child, I'm not sure what I want. I've always thought it necessary to carry on my bloodline and my family name, but I also know these two kids are in major need of a father/father figure in their lives, and I would feel guilty not being there to help provide it to them.

Because I'm 42 it's not like I have all the time in the world to leave my girlfriend and search for someone new. I'd hate to leave a great thing in search for something better, some holy grail, only to not find anything better, or worse yet, never have any kids or family as a result.

I know this is a personal choice, but I honestly cannot decide right now what it is I should do. Do I make a family with the woman and her two kids that I love, or should I break it off and search for someone else to start a family with kids of my own?

Any thoughts or advice that any of you might have to offer would be hugely appreciated!

 

[nwcrazy]

Now, she's told me that I either need to be 100% on-board with not having another child and we can move forward together, or we need to go our separate ways.


There's your answer, since you want your own biological child.

At first, it will be hard; but in the end, you will be happier. And you won't expend too much more of your time, as well as your girlfriend's.

Good luck.

 

[page16]

It sounds like she really doesn't want another child. I understand about wanting a child of your own, your own bloodline.

The decision you need to make is a very hard one. There is no guarantee that you will find someone else, or someone who wants a child. At your age, while you're not "old", it is starting to count a bit. Finding someone and building a relationship won't happen overnight. Moreover, you might be tempted to rush and not get to know the next person well enough which can then later result in separation and wouldn't be good with a child involved.

A lot of things to consider.

 

[Groggy1]

That's a deal breaker right there. One of the big three relationship foundations. I'd have to say end it, especially given your description of how it's been handled.

 

[cybele]

If she's said no, then it's no. She sounds pretty secure in her decision.

 

[Wickett]

What probably bothers me the most about this is her change of mind in a 7 month period. I'm afraid she may have told you what you wanted to hear at first to get you interested. She is 36, has kids, what she wants is a stable home with stable income. I don't know what you do for a living, but I would assume that at 42 you make enough to support you all fairly well. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's some conniving evil woman, but it happens all of the time. In most cases I've seen, a woman who truly loves a man, wants to have a kid with him. It's the natural way and how families start. The fact that she doesn't, and the way she changed her mind so quickly, leads me to believe that your priorities are different all the way around. Even at 42, don't settle my friend.

 

[tankntorimom]

I agree to a point about it being "a deal breaker", I think it seems pretty selfish of her to force this choice solely on you. On the other hand, I have flip flopped on the idea of more children, that is something that I believe every parent goes through while raising them. I don't think that 42 is too old to keep trying. 7 months seems a little rushed for a mother of 2, I would also be concerned about her just wanting stability. If she's giving you a 'take it or leave it' ultimatum, it doesn't speak well of your relationship. Stepping up and raising someone elses children is commendable, and I am sure that you would be satisfied with it if you are already so close to them. It's a tough decision, but you should make it soon, before the kids get too attached to you.