A little background - I am in my 2nd marriage and we have an 11yo DD. My mom and stepdad are helicopter grandparents mostly because they watched our dd from 6wks to 3rd grade when I became a sahm and began homeschooling. We are working on the helicopting issue.
My mom was sexually abused when she was young and has always had a heightened fear of men around girls to an extreme. I grew up believing guys were basically evil. I vowed to never let her install that fear in our dd. When our dd was about 6 I found out my mom was telling our dd 'the stories' about how men will hurt you and not to let them see your underwear including daddy. DD became very shy and would even cringe when she went for a checkup with her doctor who was male. I had it out with my mom and worked very hard to overcome the damage she started.
Then at 8yrs old my stepdad started complaining about DD not hugging him anymore. At first we just shrugged it off as kids go through phases, but then my mind went back to my childhood and 'the stories' my mom would tell me. After talking with my husband and dd, we spoke with my sd and told him we thought it was mom again, but we explained that girls grow up and don't want to be affectionate always. I became a sahm mom around this time for other reasons, but it helped with dd somewhat.
Now our dd is 11 and I think I was completely wrong in how I handled it. If she is around just me or her dad, she is a vibrant, outspoken young lady. She is in Awanas and Girl Scouts and around kids she is awesome. But around adults she is very timid. When we go shopping, she will hide behind me or her dad when any adult comes up to talk even if she knows them including female former teachers. She used to spend Friday nights at my parents, but rarely wants to go over there anymore. I chalk it up to her wanting to spend more time with her friends, but looking backwards I am beginning to worry.
Both my mom and stepdad complain about her not being over there that much anymore. They love feeding us guilt trips even to our dd that she doesn't love or care about them. My sd has become especially verbal about dd not wanting hugs or good night kisses or she won't sit with him. My husband and I haven't worried about that like that because we don't really ever think about it. She gives us hugs, kisses, watches tv with us, sits with us - but all as she wants to, we don't ask. But I have made myself more aware of late to what's been going on. every time my parents come over, my sd constantly is asking dd where's my hug or where's my kiss, "Come sit with me". When we all play cards together and dd is sitting next to him, he will stroke her back or rub her leg and she will scrunch down and come sit by me or dad.
As I am reading this as I am writing not just thinking, I have alarms going off - why didn't I see the signs? or is this my mom in my head? For the most part I think I have underplayed the warnings because of what my mom filled my head with and me trying to avoid instilling those fears in dd. But last night my mom alarm screamed and I haven't slept all night. My parents were over playing cards. My sd did his usual complaining because dd didn't want to play cards and didn't give hugs. We were in the dining room, dd was in the living room playing with the dogs. She would come in every now and then and sit with me for a minute then back off to play. At one point I told dd she needed to put some deodorant on to which my helicopter mom responded why she doesn't smell, she didn't smell earlier. DD took the chance to leave the room and go play again. Sometime after this, sd in the middle of a round, got up from the table without saying anything. When I noticed he didn't go toward the bathroom, my alarm went off. I got up and went to the living room and seen him beside her with his hand on her shoulder he pulled her to him and made her kiss him. I pretended I was getting something, he leaned down and whispered 'do as your mother says'. DD went off into the other room with her dogs and he went back to the table.
I don't know if I am overreacting or is this something to worry about? Did he really do as I saw or is it my imagination from years of mom telling me crap men will do? I read what I wrote and I am beating myself up for failing to protect her and at the same time thinking I am crazy in the head for even thinking this. <U>I need opinions from people who haven't been abused -is this something I should be worried about, or is sd behavior just a loving grandfather who misses his granddaughter?</U> Sd has two daughters from his 1st marriage who have never seemed to have any issues. He has been married to my mom since I was 17 and never did anything towards me.
My plan is to be proactive and have a full discussion with my dd about owning her body and no one has the right to make her do anything she doesn't want. I also plan on restricting all visits with my parents and dd unless dd requests to go- no more saying you're going to grandma's. I have spoken with my husband about this and whether threat is real or not, we are going to talk with them separately - me with mom and husband with sd. The plan is to address it as a growing up issue which I thought we had already covered, but this time more firm and to the point. Explain pre-teens need to have their boundaries respected so they can learn self-worth. Ask that he not request any more kisses, hugs, sit time etc. Explain that neither of us make those requests of her. DD has the right to make her own choices and not to feel guilt pressure. Ask no more remarks to her about her not loving or caring about them. Try to be firm without to many feelings hurt as they both can be overwhelming. Any other suggestions, thoughts?
My mom was sexually abused when she was young and has always had a heightened fear of men around girls to an extreme. I grew up believing guys were basically evil. I vowed to never let her install that fear in our dd. When our dd was about 6 I found out my mom was telling our dd 'the stories' about how men will hurt you and not to let them see your underwear including daddy. DD became very shy and would even cringe when she went for a checkup with her doctor who was male. I had it out with my mom and worked very hard to overcome the damage she started.
Then at 8yrs old my stepdad started complaining about DD not hugging him anymore. At first we just shrugged it off as kids go through phases, but then my mind went back to my childhood and 'the stories' my mom would tell me. After talking with my husband and dd, we spoke with my sd and told him we thought it was mom again, but we explained that girls grow up and don't want to be affectionate always. I became a sahm mom around this time for other reasons, but it helped with dd somewhat.
Now our dd is 11 and I think I was completely wrong in how I handled it. If she is around just me or her dad, she is a vibrant, outspoken young lady. She is in Awanas and Girl Scouts and around kids she is awesome. But around adults she is very timid. When we go shopping, she will hide behind me or her dad when any adult comes up to talk even if she knows them including female former teachers. She used to spend Friday nights at my parents, but rarely wants to go over there anymore. I chalk it up to her wanting to spend more time with her friends, but looking backwards I am beginning to worry.
Both my mom and stepdad complain about her not being over there that much anymore. They love feeding us guilt trips even to our dd that she doesn't love or care about them. My sd has become especially verbal about dd not wanting hugs or good night kisses or she won't sit with him. My husband and I haven't worried about that like that because we don't really ever think about it. She gives us hugs, kisses, watches tv with us, sits with us - but all as she wants to, we don't ask. But I have made myself more aware of late to what's been going on. every time my parents come over, my sd constantly is asking dd where's my hug or where's my kiss, "Come sit with me". When we all play cards together and dd is sitting next to him, he will stroke her back or rub her leg and she will scrunch down and come sit by me or dad.
As I am reading this as I am writing not just thinking, I have alarms going off - why didn't I see the signs? or is this my mom in my head? For the most part I think I have underplayed the warnings because of what my mom filled my head with and me trying to avoid instilling those fears in dd. But last night my mom alarm screamed and I haven't slept all night. My parents were over playing cards. My sd did his usual complaining because dd didn't want to play cards and didn't give hugs. We were in the dining room, dd was in the living room playing with the dogs. She would come in every now and then and sit with me for a minute then back off to play. At one point I told dd she needed to put some deodorant on to which my helicopter mom responded why she doesn't smell, she didn't smell earlier. DD took the chance to leave the room and go play again. Sometime after this, sd in the middle of a round, got up from the table without saying anything. When I noticed he didn't go toward the bathroom, my alarm went off. I got up and went to the living room and seen him beside her with his hand on her shoulder he pulled her to him and made her kiss him. I pretended I was getting something, he leaned down and whispered 'do as your mother says'. DD went off into the other room with her dogs and he went back to the table.
I don't know if I am overreacting or is this something to worry about? Did he really do as I saw or is it my imagination from years of mom telling me crap men will do? I read what I wrote and I am beating myself up for failing to protect her and at the same time thinking I am crazy in the head for even thinking this. <U>I need opinions from people who haven't been abused -is this something I should be worried about, or is sd behavior just a loving grandfather who misses his granddaughter?</U> Sd has two daughters from his 1st marriage who have never seemed to have any issues. He has been married to my mom since I was 17 and never did anything towards me.
My plan is to be proactive and have a full discussion with my dd about owning her body and no one has the right to make her do anything she doesn't want. I also plan on restricting all visits with my parents and dd unless dd requests to go- no more saying you're going to grandma's. I have spoken with my husband about this and whether threat is real or not, we are going to talk with them separately - me with mom and husband with sd. The plan is to address it as a growing up issue which I thought we had already covered, but this time more firm and to the point. Explain pre-teens need to have their boundaries respected so they can learn self-worth. Ask that he not request any more kisses, hugs, sit time etc. Explain that neither of us make those requests of her. DD has the right to make her own choices and not to feel guilt pressure. Ask no more remarks to her about her not loving or caring about them. Try to be firm without to many feelings hurt as they both can be overwhelming. Any other suggestions, thoughts?