Need advice w my mom...

[superman]

this probably isnt the best place to talk about this..but in the past when ive needed advice u guys gave me honest opinions that helped me out. i just dont have anyone else to really talk to about this sort of thing, lol. but well here it goes. sorry its kinda long lol.

ok well. ever since i can remember my moms been a alcoholic. she turns into a really bad person to be around when she drinks and she used to beat me a lot when i was a kid. as i gpt older..she couldnt beat me so it turned into her saying alot of things to hurt me i guess. a lot of the stuff had to do with my past and things like that. when i moved out it was on bad terms,and i swore i would never talk or see her again. i ended up forgiving her and i started seeing her again. i try to see her weekly just to check up on her and help her out as best i can.

2 days ago i was at her place and she stated with her negativity. i told her that was enough and i was about to leave when she said something to me about James. i regret what i did and how i reacted and i realise i shouldnt have done it but i did. (ill save u the details). since then i havnt seen her or talked to her. im considering not ever seeing her again because im so mad bc she is such a stupid you know what. i have so many feelings going on words cant describe

do i cut her out of my life for good like i dont know.... im sick and tired of the constant bullshit w her

 

[sbattisti]

This is tough.

The truth is, you can't change her. It's unrealistic to expect her to change her hurtful ways after all of this time, without a drastic change like going to counseling together, or her getting into a recovery program or something.

I'm of the mind that there are cases where it's best for both parties to just stop contact, and your situation certainly sounds like a good case for that. (Although, this is based on just one post, so it's hardly etched in stone.)

I guess I would ask myself, "Am I getting anything positive out of this relationship at all?" If the answer is "no," then to me cutting off contact is a valid option.

Good luck.

~S

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I agree with what Sbattisti said Superman. If your not getting anything positive out of the relationship, a break in contact might be in order. She doesnt have any right to say anything bad about your son, thats just not fair. I hope everything works out!

xox

 

[singledad]

This is a very difficult decision you have to make, and ultimately you'll have to follow your gut.

I agree that people don't change unless they do something drastic - like intensive professional help, etc. Also, you can't make her change, or make her stop her abusive behaviour. You can, however, choose whether or not you want to expose yourself to it. That is one of the bigger perks of being an adult - you get to choose who you want to be part of your life, and who you want to cut out.

Focus on what you can change, not on what you have no control over.

I think that, as long as you can have the peace of mind of knowing that you did your best there is nothing wrong in walking away, at least for a while. You don't owe her anything. However - don't say never. You never know what may change in a few years' time. Never is a very long time.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I think a break is certainly in order. If she gets you so worked up that you do things that you are not proud of, then you need to stay away. Time will tell if you are ever able to be around her again. If you grow stronger, maybe you can be around her and not let her hurtful words get to you so much. Maybe not. Maybe she will strive to be better when she knows what she has lost. Maybe not. Sorry that you are having so much trouble with your mom.

I've been thinking about you....missing you really! Been thinking about that new baby boy too. Not much longer now!

 

[superman]

This is tough.

The truth is, you can't change her. It's unrealistic to expect her to change her hurtful ways after all of this time, without a drastic change like going to counseling together, or her getting into a recovery program or something.

I'm of the mind that there are cases where it's best for both parties to just stop contact, and your situation certainly sounds like a good case for that. (Although, this is based on just one post, so it's hardly etched in stone.)

I guess I would ask myself, "Am I getting anything positive out of this relationship at all?" If the answer is "no," then to me cutting off contact is a valid option.

Good luck.

~S

to be honest no. i feel like ever since i was a kid ive always tried so hard with her. keep getting rejected over and over by her.

I agree with what Sbattisti said Superman. If your not getting anything positive out of the relationship, a break in contact might be in order. She doesnt have any right to say anything bad about your son, thats just not fair. I hope everything works out!

xox

thanks ilu

This is a very difficult decision you have to make, and ultimately you'll have to follow your gut.

I agree that people don't change unless they do something drastic - like intensive professional help, etc. Also, you can't make her change, or make her stop her abusive behaviour. You can, however, choose whether or not you want to expose yourself to it. That is one of the bigger perks of being an adult - you get to choose who you want to be part of your life, and who you want to cut out.

Focus on what you can change, not on what you have no control over.

I think that, as long as you can have the peace of mind of knowing that you did your best there is nothing wrong in walking away, at least for a while. You don't owe her anything. However - don't say never. You never know what may change in a few years' time. Never is a very long time.

what u say is true...but oh man...ive told her so many times i cant count. lol she will never stop hasnt stopped for anything. she just doesnt care

I think a break is certainly in order. If she gets you so worked up that you do things that you are not proud of, then you need to stay away. Time will tell if you are ever able to be around her again. If you grow stronger, maybe you can be around her and not let her hurtful words get to you so much. Maybe not. Maybe she will strive to be better when she knows what she has lost. Maybe not. Sorry that you are having so much trouble with your mom.

I've been thinking about you....missing you really! Been thinking about that new baby boy too. Not much longer now!

honestly julie...i dont even know why i give a crap about what comes out of her mouth. it just like repeats in my head.
lol thats nice of u i know eh!!! im getting really really excited as the days go by

 

[singledad]

honestly julie...i dont even know why i give a crap about what comes out of her mouth. it just like repeats in my head.
lol thats nice of u i know eh!!! im getting really really excited as the days go by

You give a crap because you're human.
You know that thing about sticks and stones? Well, its the wrong way round. Word hurt. They hurt like hell even when you know they're not true. I've stopped trying to understand why.

Good luck dude, and if you decide to walk away, don't feel guilty. You've said it yourself - you tried as hard as you could for a long time. She will probably never stop, because that is who she is. Honestly, I have never been able to understand how people who was abused as children, can keep a relationship going with their abusive parents...

 

[IADad]

It seems like you need to be away from her.

You've been trying to help, she seems to only be capable of using you not accepting your help, so it doesn't have to be done with nager, it's more a matter of "mom, I can't be around you when your life is like this. Let me know if you get yourself together, or if you need my help getting into treatment, but otherwise I can't afford risking having you in my life."

It sounds harsh, but letting he have some of you attenttion and care is probably doing her more harm than good and it's certainly doing you harm.

You can still love her, but from a distance.
JIMHO

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

you welcome superman!! Keep us updated!!!

xox

 

[superman]

You give a crap because you're human.
You know that thing about sticks and stones? Well, its the wrong way round. Word hurt. They hurt like hell even when you know they're not true. I've stopped trying to understand why.

Good luck dude, and if you decide to walk away, don't feel guilty. You've said it yourself - you tried as hard as you could for a long time. She will probably never stop, because that is who she is. Honestly, I have never been able to understand how people who was abused as children, can keep a relationship going with their abusive parents...

you know why...cus shes all the family i got lol. i dont wanna sound like im havin a pity party here but for real. im not gonna sit here and say i had aunts and grandparents and people i loved cus i didnt. its always been the same situation..me hopin that maybe she'll come around, start treatin me nice. ur totally right, words do way more damage. im just fuckin done with her. cant force love so its just a dead end

 

[superman]

It seems like you need to be away from her.

You've been trying to help, she seems to only be capable of using you not accepting your help, so it doesn't have to be done with nager, it's more a matter of "mom, I can't be around you when your life is like this. Let me know if you get yourself together, or if you need my help getting into treatment, but otherwise I can't afford risking having you in my life."

It sounds harsh, but letting he have some of you attenttion and care is probably doing her more harm than good and it's certainly doing you harm.

You can still love her, but from a distance.
JIMHO

no i agree man.

 

[NancyM]

Hey Superman,
This is really tough, it shouldn't be but it is. If she was anyone else you would probably just cut her out of your life, but like you said she is the only family you have. So it isn't as easy.

Your mother is what is termed a "Toxic" person. And as you know, You really need to keep out of her way just to protect yourself, your dignity and self esteem. (not to mention James)

I had one in my life too once, so I joined "Al-Anon" it's for family members who are living with or have addicts in their lives.
And I swear you learn so much. The first thing you learn is that you can't change anyone, but you can make changes in the way you handle your own life with this person still in it.

Another words, I didn't want to walk away from this person either, but I was tired of all the crap so I actually learned how to keep them in my life, but keep myself sane and unaffected by them at the same time.

Really, if you don't want to cut her out completely these groups help, I don't know what you call it where you live, but the meetings are held all over the place, and everything said is held in strict confidence. Even your identity. It's a good thing and you deserve it.

And believe me, you are truly not alone.
Good luck I hope you find the best solution.
If you need help finding something like this let me know.

 

[superman]

thank u nancy. we ahave aa in where i live...im going to check out the website after im done writing this. thanks again it is appreciated