My girlfriend and are both divorced in mid 50's. My issue is with her 18 year old daughter. She is extremely disrespectful and mean to her mother. i have witnessed many fights and have tried to help her (my girlfriend) in dealing with this. It seems to be getting worse and now it seems to affect us since I have aligned with her mother in being her advocate. She did not have any ill-will toward me until I spoke up a few weeks ago re-enforcing/backing up her mother- Now she treats me the same way with this bratty attitude. I don't even want to go over to the house- but also don't want to give her the power over our relationship- thoughts?
need advice with girlfriend's daughter
- Thread starter Huskyfan68
- Start date
So the daughter still lives with her mother but disrespects her to the extent you need to defend your girlfriend and don't even want to go over?
Sounds like the daughter needs a taste of tough love. Assuming she's not special needs I think your girlfriend should consider kicking daughter to the curb until she fixes her attitude. My parents would never tolerate disrespect from me especially under their own roof.
Daughter is legally an adult now. She can't her away with shitty teenage rebellion forever. If she disrespected her boss or coworkers they wouldn't hesitate to fire her.
Sounds like the daughter needs a taste of tough love. Assuming she's not special needs I think your girlfriend should consider kicking daughter to the curb until she fixes her attitude. My parents would never tolerate disrespect from me especially under their own roof.
Daughter is legally an adult now. She can't her away with shitty teenage rebellion forever. If she disrespected her boss or coworkers they wouldn't hesitate to fire her.
correct- still lives with mother- not special needs. If I were her parent - I would not tolerate it for a second. My GF continues to defend her from time to time- The "few" times the daughter isn't being a B___, my GF says " see- she is changing"- of which I tell her she is being played- At what point do I take a stronger approach? I am not her father (he is non existent....)- but i can't stand the fact this continues to happen-plus she has made it very difficult to continue to go over to the house and pretend nothing is wrong.
How long have you been dating the mom and what stage are you in? (Still kinda casual? Considering long term like marriage/engagement or moving in together?)
It's also a preference to you. I know it sucks to have ultimatiums set againt you but at the same time you're your own person with your own dreams and goals. I believe your girlfriend should be a partner who fosters those goals, not hold them back because she refuses to teach her daughter what it means to be a respectful adult. And I don't think you'd be here asking for advice if your girlfriend was just a casual companion but maybe I'm wrong so you tell me.
dating a while so not casual. yes considering long term- moving in etc...... It's becoming an issue and i just don't know my "place" in all of it. I tell her my opinion and what I would do but that usually falls on deaf ears....
Well, how long are you willing to put up with this? It's another belief of mine not to count on people changing. Maybe it'll get better but you can't assume it will.
that's a good question- I am stuck with "it's not gonna change- Put up with it until she is gone"- or keep saying things and making an issue out of it....
Well, if you're ok waiting to see if the daughter leaves eventually, then just take it a little bit at a time. But, kids are staying with parents longer and longer. Is the daughter still in high school? Does the daughter have any concrete plans to leave and, if so, do you know the timeline for that?
If she's planning to move out soon anyway then maybe it's best to hold your tongue for now.
I'll wait to hear what you say for what I think if she has no plans and what daughter's current situation is. (High school vs college. Is she employed? Etc)
She is senior in HS and 18 yrs old. I would guess she is going to hang around after graduation (no motivation) i guess I am more upset/concerned with my girlfriends behavior and how she deals with it- than her daughter. That is where I struggle. She sets no boundaries and let's her speak to her however she pleases.
Mostly the daughter- She seems to be close to 2 other children (ages 21- 24)- She chocks it up to- "I didn't raise her right" and "i am a bad parent"- Which doesn't mean you let this type of behavior continue- She just says- " she is 18 and going to do what she wants"..
Oof. Well, how are you with the other two? Do you ever visit with them? They might have more insight on how to handle this. But of course it depends on the relationship you have with them.
Considering daughter is still in high school and your girlfriend only allows the behavior from her maybe let your girlfriend handle it however she feels is right for now. Maybe you can even make peace with the daughter by saying that you love her mother and get naturally defensive of her, that you apologize for stepping in when it wasn't your place and hope that the two of you can make peace. Better to at least have her like you even if she steps on mom. Mom is an adult too and if she isn't willing to stand up for herself then maybe let it happen even if it makes you cringe. Of course, if it's too much to stand and effecting the relationship in other ways (or mom says "why didn't you stand up for me?") you can reassess then.
Considering daughter is still in high school and your girlfriend only allows the behavior from her maybe let your girlfriend handle it however she feels is right for now. Maybe you can even make peace with the daughter by saying that you love her mother and get naturally defensive of her, that you apologize for stepping in when it wasn't your place and hope that the two of you can make peace. Better to at least have her like you even if she steps on mom. Mom is an adult too and if she isn't willing to stand up for herself then maybe let it happen even if it makes you cringe. Of course, if it's too much to stand and effecting the relationship in other ways (or mom says "why didn't you stand up for me?") you can reassess then.
To add, I agree with you the behavior shouldn't continue, but you aren't actually dad and considering both your ages there's pretty much no chance that you'll have this conflict raising joint children. Grandchildren on the otherhand... but that'll be a different dynamic anyway.