My story with my husband is too complicated to ever explain fully, but basically, he lived on a different continent until our daughter was 3. He moved there when she was 3 months. We saw him once for three weeks when she was 7 months, and then never again until she was 3 years, two months.
I was over the marriage long before he joined us, but I felt I had to give it a try, especially for my daughter's sake. So he immigrated and we tried. It didn't work.
Like I've said, things are too complicated to explain, but he has never once supported us financially. In fact, he's been a big drain on my finances, and still is. He did help me when he first came by keeping her during the day so that I didn't have to pay for daycare. But I'd come home to find her still in her PJs and him in bed on the computer. And, finally, I discovered that he would sometimes leave her alone in the house while he'd walk to the grocery store or maybe elsewhere, I don't know. (It's a cultural thing, but that's not an excuse I will accept in this country.)
At first she didn't really care about him, and when we left, she missed our house more than she missed him. But lately, she seems to have real affection for him. She has expressed sentiments like, "It's not normal that my daddy doesn't live with me." (Rips my heart out!)
The thing is, I have fostered her relationship with him. I tell her how much he loves her. I have her make him cards. I buy gifts "from him" for birthdays and other gift-giving occasions. I have taught her to be proud of her other culture. Etc.
If I had not brought him over here (through my persistance, my finances, and my legal sponsorship) she would never even know him. He would still be just an idea in her head. Sometimes I regret bitterly that I ever took that step.
He has changed since we left, and he is much more bearable. He honestly seems to be making an effort, but it seems more an attempt to get back in my life than to really be a part of her life. He says he wants to be involved, and I know he really does love her in the way that fathers in his culture love their children (often from afar and sometimes hands-off.) But my life was so much easier (in terms of raising my daughter among other things) before he came, and would be so much easier if he would just drop off the face of the earth.
I really believe if I didn't push this relationship, it would fizzle out on both ends. And I am afraid that he will be a disappointment to her in her future, so I am sometimes tempted to stop fostering it. That's where I need advice.
What do you all think? Should I let it fizzle or continue to pro-actively nurture it?
I was over the marriage long before he joined us, but I felt I had to give it a try, especially for my daughter's sake. So he immigrated and we tried. It didn't work.
Like I've said, things are too complicated to explain, but he has never once supported us financially. In fact, he's been a big drain on my finances, and still is. He did help me when he first came by keeping her during the day so that I didn't have to pay for daycare. But I'd come home to find her still in her PJs and him in bed on the computer. And, finally, I discovered that he would sometimes leave her alone in the house while he'd walk to the grocery store or maybe elsewhere, I don't know. (It's a cultural thing, but that's not an excuse I will accept in this country.)
At first she didn't really care about him, and when we left, she missed our house more than she missed him. But lately, she seems to have real affection for him. She has expressed sentiments like, "It's not normal that my daddy doesn't live with me." (Rips my heart out!)
The thing is, I have fostered her relationship with him. I tell her how much he loves her. I have her make him cards. I buy gifts "from him" for birthdays and other gift-giving occasions. I have taught her to be proud of her other culture. Etc.
If I had not brought him over here (through my persistance, my finances, and my legal sponsorship) she would never even know him. He would still be just an idea in her head. Sometimes I regret bitterly that I ever took that step.
He has changed since we left, and he is much more bearable. He honestly seems to be making an effort, but it seems more an attempt to get back in my life than to really be a part of her life. He says he wants to be involved, and I know he really does love her in the way that fathers in his culture love their children (often from afar and sometimes hands-off.) But my life was so much easier (in terms of raising my daughter among other things) before he came, and would be so much easier if he would just drop off the face of the earth.
I really believe if I didn't push this relationship, it would fizzle out on both ends. And I am afraid that he will be a disappointment to her in her future, so I am sometimes tempted to stop fostering it. That's where I need advice.
What do you all think? Should I let it fizzle or continue to pro-actively nurture it?
