:arghh: Hi I'm Louise, a new member of the forum and I need some advice...I have 6 children ranging from 14 down to 21 months, my problem is with my daughter. She's the eldest and the only girl in the family, she has the attitude of queen bee of the house. She gets privelleges as she is the eldest, and has some rule differences because of her being a girl, I dont know how i can bring her down to earth with her attitude of being perfect, she is constantly yelling, teasing her brothers, hitting them...I just don't know what to do..I spend time alone with her, talk to her, give her what I can, she hates her life..If anyone has a similar daughter to mine, or has any advice PLEASE send it on!!! Thanks
Need Advice...
- Thread starter Louise
- Start date
All I can do is tell you the things my mom said/did to me to bring me down. There was only my bro and I so it is different. Here goes: if I thought I looked perfect she would pick something about my outfit or hairdo and say that looks ugly. Then remind me how an ugly attitude can make the prettiest girl ugly. Notice the use of the word ugly. As a teenager this was crushing to me. What? I'm ugly? She would also take away what I thought were my "best" outfits. Lastly she would remind me how lucky I was to have the life I had. Then we would take a drive thru south phoenix. My mom was pretty tough. Best of luck with your girl. Mine is only four but sometimes she can test my limits. Ahhh little girls sugar and spice.....broken glass and razor blades. lol J/K
Thanku for your advice, I might give it a go, although I don't know how she'll take it, I'll probably tell her that her actions are ugly and unattractive...I'll let you know what happens!
It sounds like those lovely teenage hormones. Maybe have her do some charity work for the less fortunate so she can really experience the other side?
Do you understand why she acts this way? If she hates her life, perhaps there is more going on than just typical teenage stuff or feeling "perfect" and she might need something other than bringing her down to earth.
Is she happy with herself? Does she feel like she gets as much attention as possible, given the needs of the other children? Does she get time alone to herself? How much responsibility does she have to take with regard to the younger children? If she is feeling burdened or responsible for them, this might foster a feeling of resentment.
One of my best friends is the oldest and only girl in a family of 5 kids. She spent a lot of her childhood taking care of her brothers and feeling left out from all the boyness around her. I have no idea if your daughter feels the same, but I hope you are able to find the reasons for her actions. If she hates her life and has so many negative interactions with her brothers, she must be pretty unhappy.
Is she happy with herself? Does she feel like she gets as much attention as possible, given the needs of the other children? Does she get time alone to herself? How much responsibility does she have to take with regard to the younger children? If she is feeling burdened or responsible for them, this might foster a feeling of resentment.
One of my best friends is the oldest and only girl in a family of 5 kids. She spent a lot of her childhood taking care of her brothers and feeling left out from all the boyness around her. I have no idea if your daughter feels the same, but I hope you are able to find the reasons for her actions. If she hates her life and has so many negative interactions with her brothers, she must be pretty unhappy.
My daughter gets a lot of my attention, a lot more than the boys. As far as any responsibilities for any of them-she doesn't. Chores is a battle to get done from any of the kids, what I do with them is pay them $2 per chore they do, they get no other pocket money.. my daughter gets the same opportunity to earn money, but chooses not to and then chucks a wobbly with the boys, because she doesn't have any money!!
My kids are spoiled enough without me giving them money. If they help with the house it's respect, it's not a chore. It's THEIR house, they should be doing chores.
Maybe you should take your child down to the Soup Kitchen to serve the less fortunate? Sounds like she needs a dose of reality.
Maybe you should take your child down to the Soup Kitchen to serve the less fortunate? Sounds like she needs a dose of reality.
I would absolutely NOT tell her that anything about her is ugly. A crushing blow to the ego of a teenage girl who's already experiencing negative feelings about her life? No, you will only send her further down the rabbit hole.
You already bend rules for her and give her special privileges because of her age. That's a good thing, but she needs to understand it's not a given, that everything must be earned.
I have a 13yo daughter who is adjusting to being in a blended family, where she's no longer the oldest, nor is she the princess anymore. It's been a shock to be sure and she can be manipulative and vindictive to both me and her step-mom. It's been a rough time getting her to adjust. Our preferred method of working with her is to help her come to her own decisions. Rather than tell her something about her is ugly (shudder), the comment is made, "that's a good choice, but don't you think it's a little cold/revealing/inappropriate to wear that today?." It also works if she's being mean to her new little brother... "Does it make you feel bad about treating him that way? Don't you feel guilty hurting him in that way?" The questioning gets more pointed until she finally gets it. Sometimes you have to come right out and tell her, but she's getting better and thinking before acting and having compassion for others. That's what you want to teach.
I also agree with having her volunteer to help others. I know it's helped our kids to understand just how good they have it.
Good luck!
You already bend rules for her and give her special privileges because of her age. That's a good thing, but she needs to understand it's not a given, that everything must be earned.
I have a 13yo daughter who is adjusting to being in a blended family, where she's no longer the oldest, nor is she the princess anymore. It's been a shock to be sure and she can be manipulative and vindictive to both me and her step-mom. It's been a rough time getting her to adjust. Our preferred method of working with her is to help her come to her own decisions. Rather than tell her something about her is ugly (shudder), the comment is made, "that's a good choice, but don't you think it's a little cold/revealing/inappropriate to wear that today?." It also works if she's being mean to her new little brother... "Does it make you feel bad about treating him that way? Don't you feel guilty hurting him in that way?" The questioning gets more pointed until she finally gets it. Sometimes you have to come right out and tell her, but she's getting better and thinking before acting and having compassion for others. That's what you want to teach.
I also agree with having her volunteer to help others. I know it's helped our kids to understand just how good they have it.
Good luck!
Teresa said:
i would agree with depriving her of some or all thing and she will realize how shes been acting and how dependent on the material posetions
yes community service always leaves a good impression on little kids. seeing the poor people really helps the kids become better people.
I agree with Left Foot...
Reguardless if she's queen bee or mother hen, bringing down a child by calling them ugly is not good...questioning their decisions is not only a good way to get them to express/defend their choices, but it teaches them how to verbalise their opinions and use their logic and that's some VERY valuable lessons to learn in life. It also makes your child respect you even more...becaus it makes them feel like their on the same level as you, per say. Instead of being told "NO!" it's like reverse psychology...also asking your child to put themselves in other people's shoes works wonders...mind you, in a teenage fit of independence and I-know-everything-and-you-know-nothing-cause-you're-just-my-boring-parent...well, it might not work as well as when they are being reasonable...
Reguardless if she's queen bee or mother hen, bringing down a child by calling them ugly is not good...questioning their decisions is not only a good way to get them to express/defend their choices, but it teaches them how to verbalise their opinions and use their logic and that's some VERY valuable lessons to learn in life. It also makes your child respect you even more...becaus it makes them feel like their on the same level as you, per say. Instead of being told "NO!" it's like reverse psychology...also asking your child to put themselves in other people's shoes works wonders...mind you, in a teenage fit of independence and I-know-everything-and-you-know-nothing-cause-you're-just-my-boring-parent...well, it might not work as well as when they are being reasonable...
Does she truly hate her life or is that just teenage talk? You may need to sit down and talk with her to find out if there is anything bad happening in her social life or at school.
If there's nothing really wrong, then she needs some responsibility and a reality check.
The only work I pay for is work above the level of chores. Like if they paint a room or cut down some bushes. Hopefully the ones I wanted to get rid of LOL.
Also, when she does act out, ask her how she thinks she could handle the situation differently next time.
Ali
If there's nothing really wrong, then she needs some responsibility and a reality check.
The only work I pay for is work above the level of chores. Like if they paint a room or cut down some bushes. Hopefully the ones I wanted to get rid of LOL.
Also, when she does act out, ask her how she thinks she could handle the situation differently next time.
Ali
@ aliinnc
I think it's just teen acting out, but I agree with Left Foot as well, damaging her self-esteem may provide quick resolution but will cause long-term damage. She's acting out because she's subconsciously aware that you give her more attention and bend the rules more for her. It's manifesting in her feeling (or lying about feeling) negative feelings about her place in the household. She wants more, so she feels deprived of the "more" that she thinks she deserves. It's like terrible twos when they learn to test how far they can go before you bring the hammer down.
In this case it's time to bring the hammer down. Spend time alone and tell her about how she's been getting away with things, and make her aware of what she's doing. Essentially, give her something like a positive version of a guilt trip, and convince her that you won't be letting her get away any more. She'll feel that you're picking on her unfairly, but over time she'll realize it and straighten out...hopefully.
I think it's just teen acting out, but I agree with Left Foot as well, damaging her self-esteem may provide quick resolution but will cause long-term damage. She's acting out because she's subconsciously aware that you give her more attention and bend the rules more for her. It's manifesting in her feeling (or lying about feeling) negative feelings about her place in the household. She wants more, so she feels deprived of the "more" that she thinks she deserves. It's like terrible twos when they learn to test how far they can go before you bring the hammer down.
In this case it's time to bring the hammer down. Spend time alone and tell her about how she's been getting away with things, and make her aware of what she's doing. Essentially, give her something like a positive version of a guilt trip, and convince her that you won't be letting her get away any more. She'll feel that you're picking on her unfairly, but over time she'll realize it and straighten out...hopefully.
That is what I was thinking. I have two cousins (sisters 2 years apart) who were near perfectly little girls until about age 12 and it was like the had a severe personality change for the worse. In their case, they were given some kind of perscription drug to keep them from having radical mood swings.jenilouise said:
I've got a thought - treat her like a daughter and not like the oldest sister.
I don't know you, or your situation, but something about the 'oldest daughter with 5 younger brothers'... is she expected be a kind of de facto parent? Is she expected to baby sit, or 'mind the kids, will you love, while I duck out to the shops?' kind of deal??
Maybe she's wanting to feel like a teenager, like a little girl who wants and deserves affection and play-time, but gets treated like an aunt, an adult with implied responsibilities.
I don't know, just asking.
I don't know you, or your situation, but something about the 'oldest daughter with 5 younger brothers'... is she expected be a kind of de facto parent? Is she expected to baby sit, or 'mind the kids, will you love, while I duck out to the shops?' kind of deal??
Maybe she's wanting to feel like a teenager, like a little girl who wants and deserves affection and play-time, but gets treated like an aunt, an adult with implied responsibilities.
I don't know, just asking.
My best guess is that a lot of what she is doing is age and hormone-related. Being the oldest is tough and in my own family the oldest is quite a bossy sort. She has a lot of siblings to deal with and they all look to her for guidance (yup) and probably bother her a great deal for attention, especially when you are busy with one of the others.
I constantly say to my children, "Choose kindness. It's a choice and takes as much effort to pick as meanness does." It doesn't always work (kids are kids afterall), but at least they will remember my mantra. Sometimes I get a response, even, like "I'm trying Mom," followed by a "but...." That opens communication for me to discuss alternative actions that could have been taken in the situation that were more kind.
I urge you to also provide your daughter with some "alone" time. A safe place she can be to gather her thoughts and take her own time out from her siblings. It's hard to do in a large family, but everyone deserves a haven for their "quiet time" as we refer to it in our house. So see if you can't have a "cooling down" room or solitary area of the house where (especially a teenager) a child can go to get away from his/her siblings for a while. It can be overwhelming for everyone in the family sometimes.
Just be prepared! Our oldest is twenty-eight and she is still the "boss" of the kids, which sometimes drives me batty, especially when she "parents" the younger ones in my presence as if I'm not even in the room! Keep giving gentle, but firm reminders that you're the parent and you've got it under control, even if she does not approve of your method of parenting, ultimately it's your domain and not hers. A firm "Excuse me, I'm the parent here and I'm quite capable of handling this situation without assistance or background comments," usually does the trick.
Good luck to you. You must be exhausted!
I constantly say to my children, "Choose kindness. It's a choice and takes as much effort to pick as meanness does." It doesn't always work (kids are kids afterall), but at least they will remember my mantra. Sometimes I get a response, even, like "I'm trying Mom," followed by a "but...." That opens communication for me to discuss alternative actions that could have been taken in the situation that were more kind.
I urge you to also provide your daughter with some "alone" time. A safe place she can be to gather her thoughts and take her own time out from her siblings. It's hard to do in a large family, but everyone deserves a haven for their "quiet time" as we refer to it in our house. So see if you can't have a "cooling down" room or solitary area of the house where (especially a teenager) a child can go to get away from his/her siblings for a while. It can be overwhelming for everyone in the family sometimes.
Just be prepared! Our oldest is twenty-eight and she is still the "boss" of the kids, which sometimes drives me batty, especially when she "parents" the younger ones in my presence as if I'm not even in the room! Keep giving gentle, but firm reminders that you're the parent and you've got it under control, even if she does not approve of your method of parenting, ultimately it's your domain and not hers. A firm "Excuse me, I'm the parent here and I'm quite capable of handling this situation without assistance or background comments," usually does the trick.
Good luck to you. You must be exhausted!