Need Help From Other Parents of Teens...

[KatieG]

Hiya,

I am an 18 year old mother. I don't want you to feel like I'm giving advice, seeing as I'm only 18 myself, but I thought it might be helpful to see how we view things.

1) Before I had my baby I didn't really have a bedtime at weekends, or school nights, but as annoying as it was I still found comfort in my mum encouraging me to go to sleep at a sensible time on weekdays and stating the reasons why. If you don't put rules in place when it comes to things like education, it kind of makes you feel like your parent doesn't care. However, you're only a teen once and I don't think it matters so much having a bedtime at weekends unless it is affecting education or behaviour. I don't think any of my friends have a bed time..But I am from England, there might be different norms if you're from America or somewhere else.

2/ When you are a teen, friends are the first thing on your mind. Teens can be naturally selfish but it doesn't mean we don't love our parents or appreciate them. Maybe if you suggest to spend an afternoon together or an evening. If she agrees and then makes other plans, don't make a deal out of it, just ask when she wants to reschedule it for.

3/ Usually me and my friends would be home every weeknight, or occasionally we would stay at a friend's house. But weekends, normally we would have sleepovers either at my house or theirs. It's part of enjoying your teen years. If you would like your foster daughter to be in the house more often at weekends, maybe you could suggest sleepovers at your house? And make it cool for her so that she wants to do it more often.

4/ I had a computer in my room, but to be completely honest with you, I really disagree with it. I think you should have a computer in a common area of the house because the internet is so dangerous and there is so much that is accessible to anyone which is totally inappropriate for a 17 year old. When I think about the kind of stuff I discovered on the internet..I know that I will definitely not be allowing my son to have a computer in his room when he's older! (Also, me and my friends became computer zombies for like 2 years with computers in our rooms, which obviously isn't good!)

5/ I used to spend a night a week at the least with my family, but we would all congregate in the living room during the week whenever we wanted to. Things like playing games, just talking, joking. Just find a common interest of the family. Our common interest was making fun of each other.

6/ I think that would depend on income and what your child would use their allowance for. I got allowance so that I could save for things I wanted but if I was going into the town my mum would also give me money for food. Don't go by what everyone else give their kids, you should just work out what is affordable on your income. I survived =)

Also, another thing. I have had friends in foster care at this age and some can be rebellious. I think that the best thing to do is just stay calm with them, have patience, show them that you care (even if they tell you that you don't), be there when they need you and try to compromise. If you are too strict things won't work out, (I know because I got to hear all about the foster parents). However, there needs to be rules. Kids don't feel love without rules.

Hope this is slightly helpful

Katie

 

[Nikki]

Thanks so much for the sharing your point of view, Katie. I found it helpful and I really appreciate it.

She's pregnant, btw. So that's another whole thing of drama and problems that we're trying to deal with. The hubby and I don't want babies (that's one of the main reasons we're fostering so we can find children to adopt) so the idea that I may have to deal with one is pretty bad.

She's been sleeping in class again. So I'm not sure what to do. Obviously she needs to get to sleep at a better time but I'm not sure how to make it happen.

Thanks again. These are great guidelines. It's hard because we've only known her for a few months and she's a pretty big liar, but we're trying.

 

[Aunt]

If she is sleeping in class it is because she is tired. Obviously sh is too old for an actual bedtime but i woud discuss maybe with a freindly female Dr present the need for enough sleep.
At 17 i would let her have the computer in her room & negotiate cerfews fairly liberally but if she cant be easily trusted maybe agree to drop her off and pick her up.
Lies are tricky though i would remember that foster kids often come from difficult backgrounds and may need more guidance and patience than most. So i would discuss the consequences of lying, agree on a fair enalty and enforce it. By the same token when she is truthful about something difficult i would be sure to acknowledge it and make the consequences positive.
One thing I do with my niece who is now a proper eye rolling obnoxious teen is go once a week for coffee. Sometimes we dont say anything and she reads a magazine while i do work on my laptop. Sometimes we have great conversations but it is a relaxed way to bond either way (just dont go somewhere her friends all hang out)
Another tip with teens is to make the effort to get to know her friends parents if at all possible.

 

[KatieG]

If she is pregnant then that might be a reason she is so tired as well. I don't know how far along she is, or whether you have discussed her options about the baby, but if she decides to keep the baby, one thing that I have found is that my parents felt it was their responsibility to some extent to help me out quite a bit with my baby because I was so young when I had him, I was 16 when I fell pregnant. However, I don't necessarily think that this is the right thing to do because I noticed that when they helped me I became lazier, but when they left me to it I did pretty well on my own and became a lot more independent and I grew up a hell of a lot. That doesn't mean that you can't give advice though and help occasionally. I can understand how it would feel though to you and your husband because she is 17 and the responsibility of the baby could well fall on you guys.

Also, I know teen mothers are very much stereotyped, at least where I am from anyway, but not all teens are the same. She may lie a lot and be a bit of a typical teen, but only she would know in her heart what she really wants and if her mind would be set on bringing this baby up to the best of her ability. Everybody was telling me to abort my baby and I got nasty comments from doctors and everyone else but I have a wonderful bond with my baby just like a mother of 30 would have and I look after him as well as any other mother. But everyone is different, I don't know what she is like.

If you haven't already, maybe you should talk to her about all the things she would have to sacrifice if she had this baby and make it very clear to her, like going out all the time when she likes and things like that and how her whole life will change completely. Also you should explain to her that the responsibility of the baby would be hers and that she cannot expect you and your husband to do all the work for her. Tell her that this is her decision and that if she decides to have the baby, she can't give the excuse to you guys that she is missing out on her teen years, because it was her decision.

It won't actually hit her until she has it though. But all you can do really is just tell her how it is. Hopefully she will do what she feels is right for her.

I hope it all works out for you anyway,
Katie

 

[Cop2be]

Hi all,

My husband and I just became foster parents a few months ago. Our first placement is a 17-year-old girl. We've never had kids of our own so we're just trying our best. We have been struggling over some basic stuff and I've been wondering if what we're trying to do is good or if we're taking normal behaviors and reading too much into it. So I thought I'd find a good forum and ask for help so I could see if what we're doing is close to an average or not.

Please, if you have any experience and a few moments, answer the following questions so I can try to see what the current "norm" is for teens in this day and age. Thank you in advance for your help.

1) What is the bedtime for your teen on school nights? Weekends?
2) Not counting meals and driving them to appointments, how much of their "free time" does your teen spend with you in a week's time?
3) How many nights is your teen home in a week?
4) Do you let your teen have a computer in their room? In a common area of the house?
5) How many times a week do you have some kind of family activity? (If you do have a family activity, I'd love to hear what it is to try and get some ideas.)
6) How much allowance do you give your teen a week?

Again, thanks. I really feel like we don't have even a basic rule of thumb on these issues.

1) No bedtime. She is 1 year from being an adult. Not even a curfew either. Just tell her if she is going to come home late then she needs to come in a bed quiet and that if she is going to stay out late and wants to crash at a friends house then she needs to let you know by 10 or 11pm.

2) When I was 17 I came home after school, did my work and left till time to go to bed. Now that I am 20, I basically use the house to just sleep.

3) I am home pretty much every night unless I want to stay the night at a friends house.

4)If she has a computer or a laptop that she owns already then I would just let her have it in her room. Again she is 17, not 13, she is nearly an adult. That will teach her nothing.

5) At 17, if your teen does any sort of family activity its very rare, like going grocery shopping with you, eating dinner with you, maybe going to a movie with you, spending 15 minutes telling you the drama of the day.

6) I would just give an allowance based on how much she does around the house.


But she is 17, probably close to 18. Be lenient, not strict she shouldn't have a curfew or rules. She should just be expected to clean up around the house, be quiet when she comes in and to let you know if she is going to stay at a friends house that night.

 

[Xero]

Cop2be, these are questions about a girl who is sleeping in class, getting failing grades, and is about to have a baby. I think your view on this is a little biased, mainly being that you're just barely done being a teenager and especially because you have no kids of your own.

She shouldn't have a curfew...? At all...? No rules...? At all...? You're pretty much advertising the fact that you're a teen who's been in a long struggle with your mom controlling you. Any person your age still living at home who has no kids and no real life experience and doesn't want "anybody telling them what to do" would say all of those things. That's not parenting advice, its a teenage wish. Everyone here has felt that way at one point in their lives, but its not good advice its just what every kid feels while struggling with the process of growing up.

 

[Cop2be]

Cop2be, these are questions about a girl who is sleeping in class, getting failing grades, and is about to have a baby. I think your view on this is a little biased, mainly being that you're just barely done being a teenager and especially because you have no kids of your own.

She shouldn't have a curfew...? At all...? No rules...? At all...? You're pretty much advertising the fact that you're a teen who's been in a long struggle with your mom controlling you. Any person your age still living at home who has no kids and no real life experience and doesn't want "anybody telling them what to do" would say all of those things. That's not parenting advice, its a teenage wish. Everyone here has felt that way at one point in their lives, but its not good advice its just what every kid feels while struggling with the process of growing up.

Possibly but if you look at it, she is 17 and pregnant, living her life a certain way for how long now?
Do you really think that some foster parents putting their foot down and making strict rules is going to change this girl and see the error of her ways and change for the better?
I have seen it time and again, when people are raised like her and people start putting their foot down on them, they leave.
I just don't think that them putting their foot down is going to make a difference, she's too old, she's not going to change and if those things don't matter to her now, they aren't going to matter to her.
What this girl needs to for people to stop helping her. People forcing her to do the right thing, making decisions for her, keeping her on the straight and narrow. What she needs to do is trip and fall flat on her face and see that she makes her decisions, she controls her life and that if she continues on the way she has been then she isn't going to get anywhere in life.

And I answered without reading about the pregnancy, and epically failing and making the bad decisions but my stance still stands, she needs to stop being coddled and controlled because unless its something she makes herself do, its not going to be effective, unless she sees for herself the importance in her decisions, she won't make the right ones when she is out on her own and making them for her and controlling her delays that change.

 

[Jeremy+3]

As a foster parent, your advice is terrible Cop2be, the role of a foster carer is to instill rules which must be up kept at all times, if they don't, they are struck off the register.

 

[Xero]

Honestly Cop2be, that's obviously what every caretaker in her life HAS been doing to her, otherwise she wouldn't be in someone else's hands and failing school and already pregnant. Clearly, its not working and she needs something DIFFERENT. I'm not saying she needs controlled or treated like a little kid, but she does need STRUCTURE and a little guidance in the right direction. You're suggesting that she just be left alone and gave up on, that's horrible. That's not what foster parents get paid to do, otherwise the system would have left this kid at home.

 

[Aunt]

i can answer this, of course excessive rules won't work but some rules and guidance particularly surrounding her well being may just show her that somebody cares. This is important.

 

[Cop2be]

Im not saying she needs to necessarily be given up on but she needs to be allowed to have that breaking moment where she see oh this isn't working but still have somewhere to come back to when she sees that.

It took me those moments where I realised I was the only one who could bail myself out before I straightened up and made the right decisions.

 

[Choppy]

I think the best advice in this thread so far is that idea about reaching a consensus on rules. At 17 a person has a lot of freedom, but that doesn't mean that parental guidance isn't needed. Even the most "troubled" foster children will recognize this on some level. Even into adulthood, there is a great value in a trusted mentor with more life experience that yourself.

The key, really, is that transition from rule maker to mentor/advisor.

Hi all,
1) What is the bedtime for your teen on school nights? Weekends?

It sounds to me like she just isn't getting enough sleep. A person's brain is still developing well into his or her twenties and getting adequate sleep is fundamental to this process. As others have indicated, I'm sure the pregancy isn't helping her get rid of any fatigue either.

At this age an agreed upon curfew is a good idea, along with parental reinforcment on the importance of sleep and the triviality of activities that keep one from getting sleep (web-surfing, television, video games etc.)

2) Not counting meals and driving them to appointments, how much of their "free time" does your teen spend with you in a week's time?

3) How many nights is your teen home in a week?

As a rule of thumb I think teens should be home on school nights. They can go out on weekends provided they do it responsibly. And really, between homework, extra-cirricular activities, and a part-time job, how is the teen going to have time for anything else?

4) Do you let your teen have a computer in their room? In a common area of the house?

I think this is on of the trickiest questions facing parents today. I believe in keeping the computer in a common area, but let's face it - a cell phone is a web-browser and I think the majority of kids growing up today are going to be exposed to a lot of inappropriate on-line content regardless of what you do as a parent (short of perhaps moving to a cabin in the Yukon with no electricity).

Some of the keys here I think are:
- reinforcing ideas about appropriate behaviour online
- educating yourself as a parent so you understand what your child is involved in
- keeping an open dialogue (and an open mind) about a teen's online activities
- balancing the teen's need for privacy with monitoring how much time is spent doing what
- learning who your teen's friends are - both real and virtual

5) How many times a week do you have some kind of family activity? (If you do have a family activity, I'd love to hear what it is to try and get some ideas.)

- camping
- hiking
- fishing
- hunting
- family game night
- construction or home renovation projects
- gardening
- bicylcing, trail riding, "quading"
- sports
- shoppping
- family moving night
- attending public presentations/lectures
- learning a new hobby together
- taking a cooking class together (or any course for that matter - CPR, watercolour, beginner guitar, etc)
- community volunteer work

Getting a teen to participate in any of theses activities can be a hurdle in itself. I think the main idea is to simply find something where you can just spend time together and have the opportunity for some meaningful conversation.

6) How much allowance do you give your teen a week?

This depends on a lot of things, but I think it's a good idea, especially for older teens, to get part-time jobs to learn about earning money. I also think it's important to give them a good financial education by properly explaining concepts such as credit, and investment.

 

[bssage]

A person's brain is still developing well into his or her twenties.

Oh crap! That means I'm done. This is all I'm ever going to have.

I always like reading your post Choppy. Very clear, concise and with a healthy dose of common sense. I agree

 

[Xero]

I agree! Choppy is very smart and full of sensible advice!

 

[Choppy]

Is this 'make Choppy blush' day?

 

[Xero]

It is now!