Need help with a big decision. (sorry long post)...

[Carmenellie]

Sooo..... I'm sure anyone can agree that being 20, single, and pregnant puts you in a tricky place. All other difficulties aside- my family is pressuring me to make a huge decision that I would rather not.

Where I'm at now- I just moved out of my apartment and in with my Dad to be closer to work and save the money I would have spent on rent for maternity leave. (I get 3 months unpaid leave). I work 32 hours a week for barely any money- however, at least I'm not part of the "no-pay-club" as they jokingly call it. I'm part of a small team of people at a computer repair shop that has been meandering along for the last five years... we're currently all working like mad-men to get it ready to take off and really start growing. It's a job I landed quite on accident but its what I've wanted to do for years- almost exactly. Except that instead of being the owner and not getting paid I'm an employee who does get paid.

I am doing just fine with what I'm getting paid now, and after hours today I'm sitting down with the boss and discussing my living expenses after I come back from leave and making sure I'll be getting paid enough to live on.

My parents, however, think that instead of going back to work, I should live with my Mom for a few years and not work, and attend University. They say it would be easier for me and better for the baby, since children need to be with their mother and its not about what I want anymore.

It seems like a great plan at first.... but I have so many problems with it. But I don't know if I'm just being selfish? My issues are- first and foremost, is that my Mom lives on the East side of the state, while I'm over here on the West coast. Being with my Mom means living out in the middle of nowhere in a place I deeply hated all growing up, with no friends around (but lots of family) no hopes for a career, and a looooong commute to university. (Kind of defeats the purpose of being with the baby in my mind...) It also means being away from the baby's father- who is young and dumb, (just like me I guess- we made this mess together.) but he also really cares. His family cares and his parents are just thrilled to have a grandchild to spoil..... I've only recently finally convinced him I'm not just going to run away with his baby, and he's let himself become emotionally invested- to the point it would tear him up inside if I lived 300 miles away for the first few years of his son's life. He is going to UW, lives in the middle of Seattle, and doesn't have a car. He would hardly ever get to see his baby. :< Everyone says children need their mother, but I am on the other side of the fence with that. Children need their fathers. I know from personal experience.

I would be away from my closest friends, all of whom are ready to offer support and love (and will probably fight over who gets to kidnap the baby for a day. )

Also important- I would be giving up the opportunity to grow with this fledgling business that is just about to take off... the two guys I'm working "for" are my best friend and a man that I am now pretty convinced is an utter genius- they say there are other fish in the sea but this is my dream scenario- I'm loathe to give it up.

Am I just being selfish? Do I come back to work, or do I live with my mom for a few years? I don't know what I should do.

 

[Jeremy+3]

If you don't have a job how will you feed yourself, or provide for your child?

 

[Carmenellie]

I have enough connections back on the east side to find enough part time work (minimum wage) to cover a few expenses, my mom wants to take care of the rest while I live with her. But that has me going to school an hour and a half away and working part time.... which the more I think about doesn't really leave time for me to spend with my baby anyway...

But my parents see that as a better scenario than daycare, because I have lots of family who will be able to take care of him.

 

[IADad]

Okay, so your mom doesn't want you to live with her and go to school so the baby can be with her mother, she wants to be with the baby. As you've mapped it out either you go back to work or you go to college, either will require you to be away from your baby, so let's dispense with that theory that the beauty of the plan is so the baby can be with her mother. Sure baby's need to be with their mothers and the need their mothers not to be miserable if at all possible, is living in a place you loathe going to contribute to that?

And yes, the baby needs its father, as much as possible. It sounds like the relationship is good. albeit a little young and potnetially irresponsible. A major goal should be seeing to it the baby spends time with hhim and his family as much as possible.

So, you're meeting with your employer to discuss your expenses? I don't get it, I thought the relationship between and employee and employer is a value relationship. You do the work for a salary you can accept, they pay you what they can justify for the job. Your expenses have absolutely nothing to do with that, and if they are willing to discuss salary on that basis then I fear that business will fail because it's not the way to run a business. You figure out what you need, what you can really make it on, and they can either meet it or you get it elsewhere (and this assumes you can compete for more elsewhere.)

Now, as for college, you need to assess the prospect of your current job, "taking off." versus other assurances for your future. If you truly believe there is going to be a rewarding (both personally and financially) future for you with the guys, then you need to strongly consider staying. You also need to think about marketable skills, unless this is a job that's going to set you for life you'll need something to fall back on, so maybe that means taking one class at a time, community college, online school, but don't give up on building your personal portfolio, and maybe you don't start that until the child is a year old or something, but do it, and start it very soon.

I also fail to understand why if you live with your mom, you have to communter 1 1.2 hours to University, are theyre no other options? This seems wasteful and foolhardy. You're going to spend more time away from the baby than if you were working and you're putting yourself in harms way twice a day. Speaking of which, somebody needs to be sure there's enough life insurance on you to take care of the kid if god-forbid something happens to you, your parents, somebody needs that.

I love that your parents are reaching out to support you and I think it makes total sense for you to economize however you can. You've been independent, you'll be able to return to independence and anything can be beearable for a few years to get you to a great place for you and your child. You are so young, time is on your side, make the most of every waking hour you have to get yourself ahead. Accept your parents love, but work with them on a better plan. There are literally thousands of ways of making this work, maybe not perfectly but it can work decently.

BTW, I somewhat agree that staying with family is better than daycare, especially when they're little, as he/she grows you'll want to consider what's best for learning and socialization etc.

 

[Carmenellie]

You have lots of good points there. Let me clarify on the meeting ad expenses thing. I wasn't really going over itemized living expenses with my boss. I was just preemptively letting him know how much I have to make when I come back- its more than I am making now, so I was basically telling him I needed a raise in order to be able to return, and telling him exactly how much more money I need to make.
That meeting went well, by the way. I was basically told that if I wanted to come back after three months that was fine, if I wanted to come back sooner that was fine, and if after three months I decided there's no way I can go back to work yet, that was ok too since they hired someone specifically to cover my position while I'm gone- and that all of that was based on when I was ready to come back. Since I'll be staying with my mom for my leave, I would be in no rush to come back. I also informed him that if they couldn't afford to pay me what I needed at three months (or whenever I decide to return) that I was just fine with staying on my leave longer. It may happen that way anyways. Now that I have the option I'm considering more like 6 months away- it would make coming back easier in the end, as the baby will be quite a bit older.

The stupid thing with University out that my Mom lives in Chewelah (the middle of nowhere). The closest state school is EWU, in Cheney. I might be able to get the degree I want through a satellite campus in Spokane, but that's still an hour each way (even longer in the winter and spring- hwy 395 is treacherous.)

School is still very important to me. However, there are flexible programs and more colleges to choose from in a smaller area over here in King County.

I will take your advice and keep talking over my options with the parents. I think if I make good solid points like you were, they will see that living with Mom for a few years isn't necessarily going to make things any easier.

 

[Choppy]

Unless you're living together as a couple, I would make sure the father is all lined up to be providing appropriate child support. It's your decision whether you want a legal contract or if you think you can trust him, but you need to work out what his contributions are going to be and how he'll make them.

With that out of the way, you have the university question. While conventional thinking is that university is absolutely the way to go for a bright future, you have to make sure you know what you're in for. Surviving on student loans and starting out a career with the enormous debt loads students tend to accumulate is tough. And, university gives you an education. It does not guarantee you a career.

In my opinion, if you <I>want</I> to go to university, then by all means you should pursue it. However, if you're doing it because it's something you think you should do, or you're feeling pressured to do it, you need to consider the costs. Sure, you can get a part-time job to help mitigate the cost, but university is a full-time job and when you add a part-time job onto that, there's not a whole lot of time left over to spend with your new baby.

 

[Carmenellie]

We're not living together as a couple. We are still on friendly terms, however, and want to keep it that way. I trust that he'll do as much as he can whenever he can. He cut down his credit hours at UW and is working 6 days a week to get as much money saved up before hand as possible. I also know that as a UW student he's not going to have much money a lot of the time, but his family has already made it clear that they will help out when he can't. In Washington, for our income level the legally required contribution is $150 a month... which he's already pretty much been giving me for maternity clothes and all my copays. I know we broke up for a good reason but he's still a good guy and always looking for ways to be more involved.

There's no question that I'll be going back to school. The questions are just when and where. Ironically enough, when I started school there was no way I was getting any financial aid, even though neither my family nor I could afford to pay tuition. Now, I will pretty much have all of my tuition and books paid for via federal and state grants. So money for school is not a huge issue either. Just time and travel, which I know I'll be able to sort out.

I did talk to my Mom, and she's seeing my side of things more- especially now that the length of my leave is pretty much up to me, she's more willing to think that I'll be able to work something out. My Dad is still upset that I'm going to have to use some form of childcare when I come back...

 

[Kali]

The way I see it, you'll be providing for the baby either way. I think you should do what makes you the most happy. If momma's happy, everyone's happy. lol But seriously, if you decide later that you want to go back to school, there's no age limit. It's not like you're off partying every night. You seem like a very responsible adult. Maybe even more than most your age. I think you would always wonder "what if" if you leave now. Good luck to you!

 

[Carmenellie]

:3 So I guess it can be what I want a <I>little bit</I>.... lol.

But seriously- I like to keep my parents in mind, who started in about the same position I am in (except they hated eachother a lot more) and they made a lot of sacrifices for us, which I am grateful for, to an extent. But the sacrifices to their happiness, especially the ones my Mom made, did almost as much harm as good sometimes. She grew to resent us- me most of all as the oldest, because she gave up a lot of happiness to do what seemed to be the most logical right thing to do at the time. But she was so angry all of the time, and she's much happier now, 20 years later, but still a rather bitter person.

And as a child I would have given up anything just to have my Mom not be so unhappy and mad at me all the time. I never ever ever want my child to feel like that. I would rather be in a tougher or more inconvenient life situation and still look at him with joy- than do the cookie cutter "give up your dreams as soon as you have a child" and maybe give him a higher standard of living right off the bat, but be angry and bitter and give up on my dreams. He wouldn't thank me for it in the end.

Thank you for the vote of confidence, Kali. No, I'm not much of a partier at all. My parties consist of having friends and family over, cooking something special, and talking late into the night. Very "lame" for a 20-year-old. I did go to my first ever college house party in the U District on St. Patricks day this year. It seemed like a crazy party to me.... but the guys were actually pretty bummed out, apparently it didn't get as wild as they planned. *eye roll*

 

[Step23]

I'm not certain I completely understand what dreams you would be "giving up" if you forego the University. Perhaps I'm missing something? I'm seeing it this way:

You will be living with your mother during the time you have the baby, which is a period of 3 months, yes? That's good, and your family being supportive is beyond great! So, it's what happens after this 3 month period. Your mother wants you to stay with her, where there is lots of family to potentially care for the baby, while you attend UW. What you don't like about this option is: 1.) away from current friends, 2.) in the middle of "nowhere," 3.) distance to school, 4.) no contact with baby's father. Did I miss something?

Now, the other plan would be....?? You would return to the area you are now, and go back to work at the place you are working now - PROVIDING this fledgling company (which you are only working 32 hrs for "barely any pay") will be able to hire you back on, with a full schedule, for more money, and full benefits. You will need benefits, right? Like, health insurance? And, where will you live - on your own? With your father? With friends? Will the baby be in daycare? I know you have friends who are probably so looking forward to taking care of the baby, but every day, all day while you're working? If not, have you checked out daycare costs and factored those in? How much will the baby's father and/or his family be willing to pay towards the baby's upkeep?

I don't mean to sound harsh and mean. And I can understand the plan set out by your mother may not be the one that is the most appealing. But when you have a child, you simply cannot afford to be selfish. In a lot of ways you have to sit down, be honest with yourself, and truly figure out what is best for the CHILD, not you. Once that baby comes, it's NOT about you, anymore.

You say your mother was resentful to the children in her life. Whatever bitterness, anger, and resentment your mother displayed to you was on her. ALL parents sacrifice. ALL parents give up things, dreams, ambitions - to some degree - for their kids. If the parent allows that bitterness to eat away at them, they have only themselves to blame, not the child. It was not the fault or blame of the child to be put in that position. You are going to be a parent, a very young parent, and that IS going to call for sacrifice and selflessness. But, there can be huge rewards. You will need to be honest with yourself and your child, and think about what is best.

And then act on that decision.

 

[Carmenellie]

I'm not certain I completely understand what dreams you would be "giving up" if you forego the University. Perhaps I'm missing something? I'm seeing it this way:

You will be living with your mother during the time you have the baby, which is a period of 3 months, yes? That's good, and your family being supportive is beyond great! So, it's what happens after this 3 month period. Your mother wants you to stay with her, where there is lots of family to potentially care for the baby, while you attend UW. What you don't like about this option is: 1.) away from current friends, 2.) in the middle of "nowhere," 3.) distance to school, 4.) no contact with baby's father. Did I miss something?

Now, the other plan would be....?? You would return to the area you are now, and go back to work at the place you are working now - PROVIDING this fledgling company (which you are only working 32 hrs for "barely any pay") will be able to hire you back on, with a full schedule, for more money, and full benefits. You will need benefits, right? Like, health insurance? And, where will you live - on your own? With your father? With friends? Will the baby be in daycare? I know you have friends who are probably so looking forward to taking care of the baby, but every day, all day while you're working? If not, have you checked out daycare costs and factored those in? How much will the baby's father and/or his family be willing to pay towards the baby's upkeep?

I don't mean to sound harsh and mean. And I can understand the plan set out by your mother may not be the one that is the most appealing. But when you have a child, you simply cannot afford to be selfish. In a lot of ways you have to sit down, be honest with yourself, and truly figure out what is best for the CHILD, not you. Once that baby comes, it's NOT about you, anymore.

You say your mother was resentful to the children in her life. Whatever bitterness, anger, and resentment your mother displayed to you was on her. ALL parents sacrifice. ALL parents give up things, dreams, ambitions - to some degree - for their kids. If the parent allows that bitterness to eat away at them, they have only themselves to blame, not the child. It was not the fault or blame of the child to be put in that position. You are going to be a parent, a very young parent, and that IS going to call for sacrifice and selflessness. But, there can be huge rewards. You will need to be honest with yourself and your child, and think about what is best.

And then act on that decision.

If it come back here, it would only be when they could pay me as much as I need. The goal is to offer insurance and the like, but our business doesn't offer it at this time. Being so young, I am still on my parents insurance and there's no company offering in the world that is going to top the policy I'm currently on. I'm set there until I'm 26. I would live on my own. If not a single one of my friends helps watch the baby, I still only work 4 days a week (and my boss intends to keep it that way). However, I have a lot of friends, a small amount of family, and the baby's father (who will want to have him on a regular basis, at least two days a week.) When I told my boss how much I needed to make, I factored in renting a decent apartment, average childcare costs (for five days a week) misc. baby expenses, bills, food, misc costs, etc.
Zak is willing to pay as much as he can afford (and still pay rent and eat and buy textbooks and such), and his family is willing to pay as much as we need (if/when we need it) towards the cost of the baby. I know that my family would come through with money if it were urgent.

I would still attend school over here as well, albeit a little less at a time than if I were staying with my mom.

So really, I have the choice between no friends, low expenses, little or no income, and family-oriented childcare, or lots of friends, higher expenses, higher income, some family and some professional childcare.

 

[IADad]

I don't quite get how friends factor into this. Friends and time to spend with them are pretty much a luxury most parents must do without pretty frequently. Just saying, be sure you have things boiled down to what really matters.

 

[dobbie13]

Follow your heart - I believe a mothers instints are best. It sounds like you really want to stay put so do that. It also sounds like your mum wants your baby for herself.

Do what you want not what other people want!!!

 

[Carmenellie]

Friends are important because they are a shoulder to cry on when things get overwhelming- they are someone to rant to when you're angry or upset. They help you out in a pinch, And my friends remind me how to enjoy the littlest things when I forget.

I don't know what my Mom's thinking if that's the case! She runs a hospital and a small ranch. She can barely keep up with her own "babies" as is. If anyone would be seeing the most of the baby it would probably be my Grandma, who has been a stay at home mom as long as I can remember. (Took care of me and my brother when we were little, then did foster care, then adopted a few foster children and is raising them.) She lives just on the other side of town, and has always been the go-to for babysitting. She loves kids.

I think, I've mostly made up my mind. Especially after talking to Zak. I'd just gotten him to the point where I convinced him I'm not going to shut him out of his baby's life- meaning now he's rather emotionally invested and the idea of us being 300miles away nearly sent him into a panic!
I think, since I have a boss that is so willing to work around my needs, great friends, and the baby's father over here, I'm going to stay and try making that work out first.

If it doesn't, I will always have the option to move in with my mom.

 

[MomoJA]

I agree with IADad that your mother is probably pressuring you more because she wants to be with the baby, but also because, as you are soon going to find out, she worries about you and imagines all sorts of things going wrong, and she wants to have some control of the situation so that she can help you. She also knows that your life is going to change in ways that you are not being realisitic about, (because until you have a child you just have no idea) and she feels powerless imagining reality slapping you in the face and her miles away. She probably also agonizes about you and your job. You may be right that your company is on the verge of modest greatness and you are on the ground floor, but the truth is it is a bit of a gamble and, as you will learn soon enough, your mom can't help but worry. She sees an opportunity for you to broaden your prospects, an opportunity that will not be there for much longer, and it probably tears her up with worry that you are narrowing, in her mind, your prospects, especially with the child coming.

I also agree with your mom that it really isn't about you anymore. That is not to say you have to do things her way or that you have to give up what you want, but starting from the day you got pregnant until the end of your life, you will come second, and you will be happy about that most likely.

Ultimately, it is your decision, and I'll bet no matter what decision you make, your mother will support you, though she'll probably continue to pressure you to move in with her if you choose otherwise.

But I would suggest thinking about the worst case scenario. What if the business failed? Would you be able to find another job similar to that one, especially if you had a degree? And then imagine another worst case scenario. You leave the job and get a degree. Will you be able to find another similar job with your degree? And then imagine you stay at the job. Will you be there forever? In other words, is this particular job really worth turning down the opportunity to have your mother support you during the formative years of your child's life, be there to take up the slack, and get a degree which all reports suggest increases your lifelong pay, better ensures getting a job, and better ensures you move up in your job. Also, parents who have college degrees are more likely to have children who go to college, though I think that sort of thinking is sort of elitist.

I agree that fathers are important, but if he is so easily scared off, then he will do more damage than good to the child. And if you decide to move in with your mother, his parents will not be any less enthusiastic about their grandchild. They'll be a good escape on long weekends.

Just some things to consider. Like I said, it is ultimately your decision and you know more about the company you work for and its prospects than any of us can know. You know more about the career you have chosen and the chances of ever finding your dream job again. Your happiness is important to the welfare of your child, even if it takes a second seat to your child and his or her other needs.

Congratulations on the child and good luck with your decision.

 

[Carmenellie]

I just don't get why people assume that me staying means not getting a degree. I'm getting the degree regardless. I'd just rather not be stuck out in the middle of nowhere and driving from Chewelah to Cheney to do it.

 

[RegalSin]

Why not go to online classes, while working and have somebody help you
( practically take care of the children ) take care of the baby.

You can be at home, near the kid.
Keep your job ( even if it is dead end, or is this a carrer work? )
Be around so called peers, who would not drive a distance for you your kids
Go to college via computer.

However is this about registering for classes, or just a University?

I have a family member, who got their masters via a computer, ( from real certified non-profitable college ). They did everything over the computer, but they had to go to the college in person for certain things, that is the only problem. The only thing you have to worry about is that if your credits can transfer over to the university, or etc college.

4 credits per every six months, not including summer/winter ( express courses ) school. How bad can it be. You can do this, until.

A. You lose your job.

B. You finally decided to quit and move in with mom.

Then later in life you can be the, cry-baby parent and proclaim how you worked your behind off just for your kid, while they are slacking off on facebook.

 

[Carmenellie]

I'm not sure I understand the point of your post.

 

[RegalSin]

In short you can take online classes, and stay with your kid. Is their a problem with that?

 

[Carmenellie]

I agree with IADad that your mother is probably pressuring you more because she wants to be with the baby, but also because, as you are soon going to find out, she worries about you and imagines all sorts of things going wrong, and she wants to have some control of the situation so that she can help you. She also knows that your life is going to change in ways that you are not being realisitic about, (because until you have a child you just have no idea) and she feels powerless imagining reality slapping you in the face and her miles away. She probably also agonizes about you and your job. You may be right that your company is on the verge of modest greatness and you are on the ground floor, but the truth is it is a bit of a gamble and, as you will learn soon enough, your mom can't help but worry. She sees an opportunity for you to broaden your prospects, an opportunity that will not be there for much longer, and it probably tears her up with worry that you are narrowing, in her mind, your prospects, especially with the child coming.

I also agree with your mom that it really isn't about you anymore. That is not to say you have to do things her way or that you have to give up what you want, but starting from the day you got pregnant until the end of your life, you will come second, and you will be happy about that most likely.

Ultimately, it is your decision, and I'll bet no matter what decision you make, your mother will support you, though she'll probably continue to pressure you to move in with her if you choose otherwise.

But I would suggest thinking about the worst case scenario. What if the business failed? Would you be able to find another job similar to that one, especially if you had a degree? And then imagine another worst case scenario. You leave the job and get a degree. Will you be able to find another similar job with your degree? And then imagine you stay at the job. Will you be there forever? In other words, is this particular job really worth turning down the opportunity to have your mother support you during the formative years of your child's life, be there to take up the slack, and get a degree which all reports suggest increases your lifelong pay, better ensures getting a job, and better ensures you move up in your job. Also, parents who have college degrees are more likely to have children who go to college, though I think that sort of thinking is sort of elitist.

I agree that fathers are important, but if he is so easily scared off, then he will do more damage than good to the child. And if you decide to move in with your mother, his parents will not be any less enthusiastic about their grandchild. They'll be a good escape on long weekends.

Just some things to consider. Like I said, it is ultimately your decision and you know more about the company you work for and its prospects than any of us can know. You know more about the career you have chosen and the chances of ever finding your dream job again. Your happiness is important to the welfare of your child, even if it takes a second seat to your child and his or her other needs.

Congratulations on the child and good luck with your decision.

I do think about the worst case scenario- and I know I still have options. I have my Dad over here, my Mom on the other side of the state, I have Zak. And while I've encouraged us to keep a polite distance, (which includes not living together), I know he would take us in a heartbeat if we needed it. If the business fails, I just stay with my Mom for a while, get a degree, and go with that whole plan.

And I think you may have misunderstood.... He's not necessarily easily scared off- but when we broke up I pretty much told him to stay the hell out of my life. It wasn't until weeks later that I told him I was pregnant- and it was a while after that when I extended the invitation for him to be involved again. Even then I was the one calling the shots- we are getting to the point now where we're building a different kind of relationship- and its a good one. Its amazing to watch how hard he's trying. I wouldn't take the opportunity to be a father away from him when I was angry at him, and I won't do it now if I can help it.