need help with a tough situation...

[fallon]

my daughters bio-dad is in prison and has put her on a list to recieve gifts from a charity. They send something from him every couple of months which would be ok with me but they send it with cards that sign "love, Daddy"...well my ex has been gone for yrs and my daughter has a wonderful man who she considers her daddy. My ex NEVER calls or writes and has had no contact with her in at all in over a yr. She calls him by his first name. Here's my problem...my daughter is 5 and would think that he is a great for sending her the gifts. I personally don't think it's fair to us, her parents, who are raising ehr and doing the best they can with no support. A box came today and I usually don't give her the things becaus emost of the time it's junk. Today's box had some clothes, bathing suit, a waterpark pass, and a craft thing that she would really like in it. I want to give her the things but I really don't want to tell her who they are from...what should do? Suck up my pride and tell her her father had them sent even though he really had nothing to with it other then adding her to the list, tell her they are form charity, or just give them to her and make no mention of where they came from?
__________________

 

[FooserX]

This is a tough situation, but I would vote for being honest.

It's not like she's 2, will never remember this, and the bio dad is 100% gone and out of the picture. There's a chance he will still find a way to communicate, no? You can't live a lie, and always be wondering "what to do" next.

May as well explain things - it's not like she'll love your new dh any less, no? Maybe you could just say "These gifts are from So and so"....not say daddy, just his name.

 

[Firefly4698]

That is a tough situation. I understand that your daughter is only 5 but you should give her the chance to develop her only feeling about her bio dad. She may already not have very good memories of him and in the future if she does ever try to establish a relationship she may be even more resentful at the fact that he made no effort to be part of her life. Even though he just put her on a list, that shows some thought (maybe not much) but some. I think that I would say "(insert bio-dad's first name here) asked some people to send these things to you because he is in a place where he can not do it on his own." I would most likely leave it at that. She has a right to know that they are from him, but I would not make a big personalized thing out of it. That is the best that I can offer, never been in that situation though. Hope it helps some.

 

[Dadu2004]

I'm going to follow suit here...honesty is best. What would happen if in the future, they have a relationship and she asks you "why did you not tell me about these..."? She may end up being very angry with you if you block their relationship. However, you do need to keep her safe. I would give her the gifts, say their from him (using first name), and let it be at that. I don't believe that it would detract from the relationship she has with your husband, but would leave the door open to her exploring feelings for her father in the future.

Here's the kicker.... is the father a danger to your daughter?

 

[Sirk]

No way. 5 year olds don't have "the right to know" anything. Don't lay grown-up problems on a little kid.
Let her have them, but don't tell her that someone else is buying them to make her still love her worthless, inactive bio-dad who's in prison.
I'm so digusted that there's a charity to buy kid's love.

Tell her they were free.
Tell her Auntie Sirk sent them.

 

[FooserX]

Yah, I might go with Sirk's idea. lol

lay this on her when she's older, or when it becomes an issue when dad gets out of jail and trys to see her.

 

[fallon]

the thing is he has no idea when or what is being sent...he just put her name on a list. He doesn't sign the cards or anything...should he still get the credit? Why not pick up the phone and call? wouldn't that help her to know him more?

sidenote: I have no fear that any gift he could give or anything he could say would make her love me or my DH any less. She is very certain who her family is and I have always been very honest with her about her bio-dad. She choose on her own to start calling him "josh" over a yr ago...this is not a jealous or bitterness issue at all.

 

[fallon]

No way. 5 year olds don't have "the right to know" anything. Don't lay grown-up problems on a little kid.
Let her have them, but don't tell her that someone else is buying them to make her still love her worthless, inactive bio-dad who's in prison.
I'm so digusted that there's a charity to buy kid's love.

Tell her they were free.
Tell her Auntie Sirk sent them.

thank you!!!...this is how I feel as well. I would have the packages stopped but they give no return address or anything all I know is they are being shipped from a pack and ship shop about a block form my house

 

[Sirk]

the thing is he has no idea when or what is being sent...he just put her name on a list. He doesn't sign the cards or anything...should he still get the credit?

Of course not.

Why not pick up the phone and call? wouldn't that help her to know him more?

Because that would take effort. And you already know he's a douche.

 

[fallon]

My father went to prison when I was 9...he was a wonderful daddy but not so great at other things. He called me every Friday at 6pm until the week he was released (5 yrs later), he wrote me at least 3 times a month, he sent cards and painting and other gifts that he had made for me himself. I don't think all men you go to prison are bad...I just think this one is

 

[fallon]

Here's the kicker.... is the father a danger to your daughter?

absolutly, without any doubt in my mind. He is a danger to her, my son, my husband, and myself

 

[Dadu2004]

Well then, if that's the case, I second Sirk's motion.

 

[Nikita]

I'm not a fan of lying, but if you can avoid telling the truth that might work. If you give her the stuff and she doesn't question where it's from just don't volunteer the information. If she does ask, mention it's from a charity.

 

[Kaytee]

I am so sorry Fallon, this has got to be tough. I don't agree with lying, but I do think that little information is needed. You can just say "someone mommy used to know sent these to you" leave it at that. If she questions give tid bits but not the whole thing. Is your husband the only father your dd knows? If he is I would not want to be 15 and find out that the man I call dad is not my bio father. She doesn't need to know ANY details about any of it though.

 

[mom2many]

I think honesty is really best, it doesn't have to be a fool out description, but the truth as much as a 5 year old will understand. And I mean all of the truth, the "good" and the bad, forwarned is the best knowledge you can give her.

I say this because I come from a father who could careless and a mother who always told the truth, and allowed me the right to make my own choises where he is concerned. Plus growing up I had a very abusive step-parent, the police new us by name, he was that bad, I saw him try to run my mom over with a car, jump throw a glass screen door, he got arrested at a Angels baseball game and forgot to mention that I was there with him, I think you get the picture, when we finally did get away from him, he went to jail, he sent us things and my mom always gave them to us, they were for us and it was our decision on what to do with them, I have a sister who is his bio-DD.

Year later that is all my sister has of him, she has no memory of the man he really was, he died before she was old enough to look for him on her own. I can not imagine how hurt she would feel to learn that my mom never gave her what was her's, even if my mom's intentions at the time were good. I knew what he was like and when he got out of prison my mom was able to make it very clear that I was to not have anything to do with him and to run the other way, my sister had a harder time with this cause she didn't know the real dangers, my mom tried to protect her to much. So make your DD aware of him and that the gifts come from an orginization that he gave her name to, and if she asks no more questions I would leave it alone.

 

[AnKsMommy]

I would also suck up and be honest. Because what if her dad decides to come back in to her life at some point and says something about these gifts. You can take out the card that says "Love, Daddy" just say their from "insert dad's name here".

I know it must be hard because she has another male adult in her life that she thinks about as her father, but you never know what kind of relationship she might have later on with her biological dad.

 

[fallon]

thanks guys...I gave her the gifts and told her that someone sent them for Josh because he can't shop. She knows Ryan isn't her "real" dad but in her hear and mind he is her daddy, I can only hope nothing ever changes that

 

[mom2many]

thanks guys...I gave her the gifts and told her that someone sent them for Josh because he can't shop. She knows Ryan isn't her "real" dad but in her hear and mind he is her daddy, I can only hope nothing ever changes that

NOTHING will ever change who stood by her all her life, my "dad" is a man my mom met when I was 10 or 11, and although their relationship was only 5 or 6 years long, HE is the man who had the most influence on me. He has since passed but he would have made a great grandfther!

 

[1dayatatime]

I'm with Sirk on this one. Not saying is the same as lieing but his efforts are pretty pathetic. Your dad was a great example of what to do with your locked up time. Those are good memories.

 

[Aunt]

I think you did the right thing. You didn't lie or give her the insensitive card. You may wish to consider telling the charity that you would like it if they didnt sign love daddy. tough situation.