Need SERIOUS help with 14 year old!!...

[chikygrl13]

okay... where to begin...
I have been dating this guy for 2 years. He's a divorced father ("E"), and has 100% custody of his (almost) 14 year-old daughter ("M"). Things have been going really well, and our relationship is strong. I love him, I love his daughter and we've been talking about me moving in with them.

Over the summer I spent a lot of time with his daughter. She was off of school, so I took her out 1-2 times per week. So we could get to know each other, and bond. Things were going REALLY well! I've tried to be a good influence and a positive role model. She needs that. Her Mom has been gone since she was 7 years old, and there has been little to no contact since. (Mom had drug problems, and is currently homeless).

Then she started High School...
for the past month or so, this child has become increasingly more defiant and demanding. She no longer listens to what either her Dad or I have to say. She told her father that I told her that she was an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy and that she was a mistake. (she was unplanned and her parents didn't get married until after she was born, but I would NEVER tell her this!) She has admited to me to eavsdropping on conversations that I've had with her father. But when her Dad confronts her on this she denies everything.

She believes (like most teenagers) that the world completely revolves around her. And throws a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way.
Now part of the problem is that for years after her Mom left, her Dad felt guilty and let her get away with murder. So of course she has NO respect for him. However, as I start incresing my presence in the house, and in her life, she no longer has any respect for me.

Case in point- I spend time at their house on Wednesday night. "M" has band practice from 6-9 and her Dad and I get some alone time, which we don't have a whole lot of. I have been picking her up from school on Wednesdays and Fridays, because it's on my way to their house, and I felt bad when "M" had to walk the 1.5 miles in the summer heat (we live in Southern California desert). So Wednesday I was supposed to pick her up. When I got held up at work for reasons beyond my control, I sent "M" a text message saying that I was going to be late. I also told "E". Long story short I was over an hour later that I would have normally been (due to work, rain and traffic). But I told her an hour and half BEFORE she got out of school that I was going to be late.
From the minute she got in the car, she turned into this God awful BITCH FROM HELL! I wanted to kill her.
She started SCREAMING at me because she was cold (Dad told her to take a jacket!) and than DEMANDED I take her to fast-food crap for dinner and buy her fries and milkshakes (in addition to 2 burgers, and tacos AND egg rolls that she wanted!) She already has a weight problem (as do her Dad, and I and her mother!).

This attitude is quickly becoming the norm for her.
And I'm at the end of my rope. So is her father. I really want what's best for them. But Neither her Dad and I know what to do with her! We try taking away her cell phone and her ipod. She's been grounded for MONTHS, but the behavior gets worse.
She's been seeing a therapist for as long as I've known them. But I don't know if it's doing any good?

HELP!!! PLEASE!!! I love "E" (and I love "M", even if I want to kill her right now!)
and I don't want to lose them, but I'm at the end of my rope!

 

[NancyM]

Boy. This is tough for you. I think all you can do is set limits for her, and make sure her dad goes along with you.

You and E should sit down alone and decide on what ground rules your both going to implement. Wright them down and both agree to stick together.

Than sit little miss muffit down and the both of you inform her about the new family rules. That's it! She has to follow the rules or get grounded.
NO means No!

I think she is going through some normal teen changes, but it's time to grab the reins before she gets really out of hand. If you want to make a life with them, I think you really have to claim your position. You have to take charge, it will be good for her as well.

I also believe it's really important for E to back you up, because she is going to use everything she has to show him how bad you are.

Hold strong if you really love them, and good luck.

 

[IADad]

Hmmm, seems to me that since she's in a therapists care, that dad needs to talk with the therapist, decide on the approach and the two of you need to follow it. I'm thinking that part of it is your interjection into the household (but I'll leave that to the therapist.)

Just curious, what did you do in response to her demands for a fast food smorgasboard? I think to deny that would have been my first reaction (unless it was In-N-Out burger. then I probably would have caved.)

 

[chikygrl13]

She sees the therapist again in 2 weeks, and the therapist wants me to go with her. Hopefully that will help?

As for the food, since I had already gotten her dinner, I told her that she had the option of eating the buger and baked potato (which she has always liked in the past) OR we could feed it to the dogs and she would have nothing. I'm not withholding food, and I'm not punishing her with food. But those were the choices and the decision was hers.

 

[singledad]

This is a difficult one. I think going with her to the therapist would not be a bad idea, though I'm worried about the fact that she's been in therapy for so long with no visible results. Have you considered changing therapists?

 

[Hazel Carolina]

i have two 14 year old Daughters and i am now with a man who is not their father and they live with there dad and his new wife. his new wife is wonderful and does the best she can by them but they aren't always grateful. i guess my daughters are similar to M in that way.

they are always better for me than their father but maybe its because they don't see me as often. and when they were younger their father gave them everything they asked for and they started to get a little "bratty" so he stopped and turned into "strict parent" seemingly overnight so i think they rebel against him a bit.

to me it seems like you are doing everything right. just make sure you and E are on the same page with your discipline. and I'm sure it will all be fine. she is 14, 14 year olds love to test boundaries. its like having a toddler all over again LOL

 

[DishOutlaw]

Teenage daughters are always fun and most of the time rebellious. The thing you have to remember is the more you push the more she will push, as a psychiatrist will tell you. I don't understand psychs, as my daughter has seen 2 of them and neither has done a bit of good. If they don't want to listen then it's a waste of time. Unforunately grounding doesn't work in this day and time either. Ground them from a computer and they get on FB and yahoo at school! (or my daughter does). I would really like to see some more opinions on how you are sup[posed to handle a rebelloius teen girl as my wife says I let my daughter get by with to much. But, she is at that age where, whether we like it or not they make their own descisions. We are supposed to guide them and hope they grow in the way we show them. I may be wrong but this is all I can find and since beating them and locking them in a cell for days is out of the question!!! lol

 

[biru]

Have you considered home schooling? Follow the school's curriculum but at home so she's completely grounded. No internet or computer whatsoever. Then put her back in school once she understands that bad behavior aren't tolerated.

I know it sounds harsh but it maybe better in the long run.

 

[972hernandez]

okay... where to begin...
I have been dating this guy for 2 years. He's a divorced father ("E"), and has 100% custody of his (almost) 14 year-old daughter ("M"). Things have been going really well, and our relationship is strong. I love him, I love his daughter and we've been talking about me moving in with them.

Over the summer I spent a lot of time with his daughter. She was off of school, so I took her out 1-2 times per week. So we could get to know each other, and bond. Things were going REALLY well! I've tried to be a good influence and a positive role model. She needs that. Her Mom has been gone since she was 7 years old, and there has been little to no contact since. (Mom had drug problems, and is currently homeless).

Then she started High School...
for the past month or so, this child has become increasingly more defiant and demanding. She no longer listens to what either her Dad or I have to say. She told her father that I told her that she was an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy and that she was a mistake. (she was unplanned and her parents didn't get married until after she was born, but I would NEVER tell her this!) She has admited to me to eavsdropping on conversations that I've had with her father. But when her Dad confronts her on this she denies everything.

She believes (like most teenagers) that the world completely revolves around her. And throws a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way.
Now part of the problem is that for years after her Mom left, her Dad felt guilty and let her get away with murder. So of course she has NO respect for him. However, as I start incresing my presence in the house, and in her life, she no longer has any respect for me.

Case in point- I spend time at their house on Wednesday night. "M" has band practice from 6-9 and her Dad and I get some alone time, which we don't have a whole lot of. I have been picking her up from school on Wednesdays and Fridays, because it's on my way to their house, and I felt bad when "M" had to walk the 1.5 miles in the summer heat (we live in Southern California desert). So Wednesday I was supposed to pick her up. When I got held up at work for reasons beyond my control, I sent "M" a text message saying that I was going to be late. I also told "E". Long story short I was over an hour later that I would have normally been (due to work, rain and traffic). But I told her an hour and half BEFORE she got out of school that I was going to be late.
From the minute she got in the car, she turned into this God awful BITCH FROM HELL! I wanted to kill her.
She started SCREAMING at me because she was cold (Dad told her to take a jacket!) and than DEMANDED I take her to fast-food crap for dinner and buy her fries and milkshakes (in addition to 2 burgers, and tacos AND egg rolls that she wanted!) She already has a weight problem (as do her Dad, and I and her mother!).

This attitude is quickly becoming the norm for her.
And I'm at the end of my rope. So is her father. I really want what's best for them. But Neither her Dad and I know what to do with her! We try taking away her cell phone and her ipod. She's been grounded for MONTHS, but the behavior gets worse.
She's been seeing a therapist for as long as I've known them. But I don't know if it's doing any good?

HELP!!! PLEASE!!! I love "E" (and I love "M", even if I want to kill her right now!)
and I don't want to lose them, but I'm at the end of my rope!

I was in similiar situation and after thinking long and hard decided to move from CA to TX with by boyfriend. I have 2 daughters 13 and 17 and he has 4 kids 6, 10, 12, 15. Believe me when I say this. Wait til the daughter is an adult and out of the house. I lasted 6 months in TX and was ready to come back single again. His kids ran a mock; since their divorced mother is out and about looking for mr right again, the kids literally run the house and have no structure. So when his kids would come over me and my boyfriend would always argue because of kids. He thought my kids were lazy and I thought to myself "buddy, you need to look at your own kids." He would get angry because in my household, if a man, meaning my grandfather was working on cars; kids were not allowed around the area. In his house he wants kids to be his servants and at beckon call asap. Not 2 minutes from now but drop everything and come to attention! If I were you, I'd wait til kids are out of the picture and living their own lives. Sad but true.

 

[chikygrl13]

Have you considered home schooling?

This is not an option. We both work, we can't afford not to (California's economy being what it is) I am a teacher myself, and while I really do wish we could homeschool, it''s just not an option for us.

[

 

[chikygrl13]

If I were you, I'd wait til kids are out of the picture and living their own lives. Sad but true.

I'm really sorry that your having trouble.
But I'm not going to put my life on hold for the next 5+ years because his daughter is being a bitch. I'm not going to give her that much power. I am too emotionally invested in this relationship to just walk away. I am also 33 years old and would like to get married and have kids in the next couple of years. WITH MY BOYFRIEND!! I get that he has baggage, I knew that from before day 1. I signed up for this for the long haul, I knew what I was getting myself into. I need good practical advice from other people in similar situations. I do NOT need someone telling me to break up with the love of my life for the next 5-10 years!

 

[udayakumar]

If you are sure that she is a bitch , then what is her father?

 

[chikygrl13]

If you are sure that she is a bitch , then what is her father?

what do you mean by this?
She's acting like a bitch, part of it is because she's 14, part of it because she no longer has Dad's undevided attention, part of it is bad behavior to deflect failing grades. And MOST of it, is anger that her Mom is not a part of her life. Her mom was gone for 4 or 5 years after the divorce, than came back briefly last Christmas and there has been NO contact with her since than. This is very traumatic for a teenage girl. She NEEDS her mom. I try to help her as much as I can, and I know what she's going through (my Dad left when I was 6, my Mom left when I was 12) It doesn't matter how great a stepmom, grandmother, aunt you have (though it does help), a teenage girl NEEDS her mother.

Her father is the most incredible man I know. He works 60 hour weeks to provide his daughter with a good life. They live in a nice, SAFE neighborhood and she's grown up going to some of the best schools in our state! His world revolves around her, that one of the things I love about him. He's an incredible father (something niether one of my parents were). He does everything he can to give her good values, she gets everything that she needs, most of what she wants (within reason). He's amazing!

 

[Xero]

I'm really sorry that your having trouble.
But I'm not going to put my life on hold for the next 5+ years because his daughter is being a bitch. I'm not going to give her that much power. I am too emotionally invested in this relationship to just walk away. I am also 33 years old and would like to get married and have kids in the next couple of years. WITH MY BOYFRIEND!! I get that he has baggage, I knew that from before day 1. I signed up for this for the long haul, I knew what I was getting myself into. I need good practical advice from other people in similar situations. I do NOT need someone telling me to break up with the love of my life for the next 5-10 years!

I'm sure 972hernandez wasn't trying to offend you, but just sharing a thought. Kind of like a "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen" kind of thing maybe haha. Not necessarily good advice, but like I said I'm sure he wasn't trying to make you mad.

And I'm sorry but no matter how many ways I think about it, I just can't find calling a child a "bitch" appropriate for any reason. That right there shows that you resent her in a way that is just not very compatible with you being around her full time. Kids are smart, and they can tell how you feel. You can't hide the way you feel about someone 100% of the time, and if you think that about her, I'm sure she knows it, and I'm sure that can't help your situation with her any. I wouldn't behave for someone who didn't like me either.

I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe its something to think about. I think what some step parents, or some people who are in relationships with a parent, don't realize until its too late is that they should keep their disciplinary involvement with the kids to a bare minimum. The guy has been raising her alone for how long before you came along? If I were in your shoes, I would be a friend to her for the most part other than to do favors for her dad like picking her up and whatnot, and (just like any regular friend) if she treated you directly with disrespect I would just back off for a while and not be so involved until she was nicer. If she told you to do something you didn't want to, tell her no and that if she really needs it to ask her dad. If she has problems at school, doesn't do her household chores etc - not your problem. Let her dad take care of it. At her age, she's not going to welcome another disciplinary voice from the sidelines into her life anyway. If you have concerns about her behavior that you think are affecting you directly - go to her dad. All the rediculous stuff she asks you, or tries to get you to do for her, just always say "ask your dad, ask your dad, ask your dad". He is supposed to confront her about stuff like that. If he is not keeping on top of his role in her life, then he needs to be reminded.

I'm not trying to be offensive, but I've seen this so many times including in my own life so I'm just trying to throw the thought out there. Its just my honest opinion. My mom got with a guy/married when I was 16 and half of my other siblings were teenagers, and the thought of him trying to discipline us or control us in any way was completely laughable to us.

 

[chikygrl13]

And I'm sorry but no matter how many ways I think about it, I just can't find calling a child a "bitch" appropriate for any reason.

This is true, which is why I amended my last post to say she is "ACTING" like a bitch or "BEING" a bitch. She needs to know and be taught that this is NOT okay and that she's NOT going to get away with it. However I also don't think that 14 year olds are really children anymore. The behaviors she develops NOW are the ones that she's going to have for the rest of her life. She needs to understand that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. I will never call her a bitch, but I have said that she's ACTING like one. Just like I tell my students they are ACTING stupid. Does not mean that they are, it means that I know they are NOT and they need to be held accountable for their actions the same way my boyfriend's daughter does.

 

[Xero]

Right I realize you said that, I guess my thought is just that its a little harsh when referring to a child. Which yes, at 14 I definitely do still think she is a child. I absolutely in no way shape or form act, think, or even see the world now the way that I did when I was 14. I don't imagine anybody does. You're becoming an adult at that age, but still a child in many ways. And yes, she definitely should be learning how to act like a decent person at this age. Its just that when an outside party tries to enforce this on a teenager, most of the time it just ends up in more rebellion and resentment. Which is why I say her dad should be focusing on these changes.

 

[mom2many]

And I'm sorry but no matter how many ways I think about it, I just can't find calling a child a "bitch" appropriate for any reason.

Zero come meet my older girls, I love them to death but they are both bitches, one a little more then the other but damn! That doesn't mean there isn't a good side to them but mess with them ore piss them off or hell sometimes just breath air and HOLY COW!

 

[Xero]

Well lol I suppose that's probably true enough. I was a bitch as a teenager too, I'm sure my mom will tell you. I guess what I'm thinking is that if you're going to say something like that, you should at least be partially joking or at least be able to confirm that there is still love in your words (which I can see in yours) and that it shouldn't be strictly out of anger or resentment... does that make any sense? haha

 

[mom2many]

I agree and I love my girls, however I am not blind to their faults lol. Heck I probably made them that way ........... They got it from some where I am sure!

 

[Xero]

That's a good thing honestly, not being blind to their faults haha. I know too many parents that refuse to believe their kids could ever do any wrong.