Need some advice...

[Stockton2007]

Hey all,

I guess you could say I am struggling with life a little bit. I am a 26 year old father and have a 4 year old son. My son's mother and I split right before he turned 1. Since that time, I have my son the majority of the time. His mother has him every Wednesday night and every other weekend.

I'm a fairly conservative individual. I'm very particular and could be considered an "intense" person. I have a formal college education and have been in my career field for over 3 years. I am now engaged to a wonderful gal and we love each other very much. My son and her get along great and love being around each other.

My struggle is this... It's as if i can not relax and have a good time. I find myself always putting limits on things. How late to stay out. How many times to go out. How much money to spend. etc. Like i don't want to have fun. Of course this is when my son is not with me. When it happens my fiance will say "you can't get out of daddy mode". I have a tendency to get tense quickly and over react to minor things.

I was never a wild individual but I could have a lot of fun but it just doesn't happen anymore. I understand there is a level of responsibility a parent must have whether their child is with them or not. With that, I am not talking about drugs or getting hammered at the bar and driving home. Just a good time, having some drinks, out with friends, going with the flow, being a little spontaneous.

Does / has anyone else struggled with a similar problem? Any advice with how to break out of this rut?

Thanks in advance.

 

[IADad]

I think a lot of parents, and not just single parents struggle with this. "Hey, I'd like to have another beer, but what if my sleeping child fell out of bed and cracked his head open and I had to drive to the hospital...." that kind of stuff. I think it's just a sign that you take the responsibilities of parenting seriously. Are you able to relax more when it's mom's night/weekend? How do ex-wife and fiance get along? Is it possible you're subconciously trying to sabotage the relationship to avoid issues there?

I think it's something you need to anayse and convince yourself when you're being silly, overly cautious. It seems like your fiance sees it and tries to understand it. Be sure you keep talking with her about it.

I'm guessing you've sacrificed a lot for your son, we all do. If you have the means to enjoy yourself now, at time when your son is taken care, then you really owe it to yourself to let loose a little.

I think it's similar to parents (like my DW) who have a hard time vacationing without the kids. They feel guilty having a good time, or that they are somehow cheating the kids out of something.

Try envisioning your kid as being 18 instead of 4, he'd probably say, "dad, go, enjoy yourself."

I know you don't want to miss a moment of being with him, or in any way jeopardize your future, but remember life is about balance, and choices, and if you don't ever change up the routine you take away some choices. It's a good example to your growing son, that people go out socially, have a good time with their peers and come home again safely. It's a good thing for him to know there's a worl out ther to explore.

Hope that helps.

 

[Stockton2007]

IADad, thank you.

To answer your questions: I am not able to relax more when my son is with his mother. This is when my fiance points it out to me that i am not able to relax and let go. She said I used to and that I really impressed her with how I was able to balance being a dad and having fun. But recently i have not been able to.

Son's mother and fiance don't communicate. My fiance and I do not yet live together and most transitions for my son are done through day care drop off's and pick ups.

What relationship are you referring to with the sabotage question?

My fiance does see it. And it's frustrating for her that she knows i can since she saw me do it before. It could be the stress of now planning a wedding and the setting up of getting our own place in a few months. Lots of big changes. I'm not sure.

I think it does come down to balance and I am struggling with that.

 

[Stockton2007]

I know this is related to the not being able to "let go" any but its almost like everything is serious. Joking around almost feels like a task.

 

[scoobymom]

I can't help but wonder if you are a bit worried and uptight that maybe you will have another baby soon that you are not ready for??

YOu are a good dad and take it seriously and might be that you don't want more responsibity right now and that is understandable!

Just a thought.. but do have a beer and relax. Laughing is good.

 

[Stockton2007]

Scoobymom - good thought but my fiance and i have discussed having a child of our own and both agree now is not the time. We both dont want to for another 5-6 years.

 

[teenage_parent]

try to concentrate on the person you are with. look at their eyes. look at their smiles. listen to their laughter. pay attention to the smallest details. often, these smallest things play the biggest part in our memories. you also tend to connect more with them, and connect deeper.

when it's the emotions you are concentrating on, you tend to forget the financial side.

and always keep in mind that you could lose everything any moment so enjoy every moment you have with the people you love. i know it's kindda freaky to think about losing everything but it is a fact of life. you could really lose everything and everyone any moment.

when you get hold of that reality, you'll learn to appreaciate every moment more and ignore the "worries".

hope that helps

 

[Stockton2007]

teenage_parent - Thank you. I completely agree with your statements, just have to find a way to not just agree, back act upon them as well.

 

[Choppy]

Something else to consider is to start by defining for yourself what you consider fun. People find pleasure in different things and maybe you've just matured compared to your peers. Or maybe you're just different.

Some people are happier watching an early movie, or reading a good book and going to bed at 9:30 than staying out at a bar until closing time.

That doesn't mean you can't relax and have a good time, it just means you do it in a different way.

Something that can help to get out of such a rut is to try new things. Take up a sport you haven't done before, join a team, try a martial art, take a night school class, join a book club, take dancing lessons, start a part-time business, ...

 

[IADad]

What relationship are you referring to with the sabotage question?

Sorry, I didn't see this earlier.

I was referring to you and your fiance's relationship. By making yourself consumed with your child's well-being you are drivie a wedge into your relationship, I'm suggesting the possibility (and it's a pretty wild theory here) that you are sub-consciously doing it. Maybe your stressed about the direction your relationship is taking.

what about the rest of your life any new stressors? Remember, even "good" things can be stressors. Any other changes going on that could be adding to the mix?

 

[KDmom*3]

You need to think about what you did for fun before you had a child. It sounds like you need a little vacation from your daddy persona. Get a babysitter, and take your fiance to a music concert, or dancing, or a baseball game with your buddies. Let loose and have a good time! don't feel guilty, you deserve some fun and so does your fiance. Having a balance is very important and will benefit everyone involved, including your son seeing his dad happy...

 

[HappyParent]

You should make amends with your wife. The best way to prove it to your son is to have intercourse with your wife at home. Make sure this is during a common time so your son hears this. He will understand.

 

[scoobymom]

HappyParent. It sounds like your parents could have used some advice. I suggest you get help!

 

[Shiroi Tora]

You should make amends with your wife. The best way to prove it to your son is to have intercourse with your wife at home. Make sure this is during a common time so your son hears this. He will understand.

???????????? - Did I miss something? Are you joking? :veryconfused: