Need some vibes....

[Stepmom2be]

SS7 isn't doing well.

Today, he got sent to the principals office. Apparently, a boy was washing his hands in the bathroom and SS7 was pulling him back by his hood, trying to shove him in a puddle. This is VERY unusual behavior for him. He is usually a sweet, sensitive boy that wants to be everyone's friend.

We talked to the principal for about a half hour, he't got detention all week, etc etc. Typical kid in trouble stuff.

The only difference is he was with his mom yesterday. And we just found out she took him unsupervised...AGAIN. After we specifically told her after the last time she did that, that we wouldn't stand for it again.

BF calls her when we leave school. This is pretty much how their convo goes.

"Where is SS7's lunchbox?"
"He bought lunch today. Its probably at my moms."
"Can you do me a favor and send it please, even if he buys lunch. We want to be able to send him lunch tomorrow."
"Well dont you have another one?"
"Thats not the point. The point is we spend our hard earned money on stuff for him, not to have it sit at your moms house all week."
"Calm down its just a lunchbox."
"No. its not. Its 2 tee shirts. its a jacket that gf bought him that disappeared the first time it went to your place. its the principal. Please make a conscious effort to send our stuff back."
"Well I replaced those shirts."
"Replacing them 4 months later doesnt change the fact that they never should have gone missing in the first place."
"Well what about my clothes? I want everything back of mine."
"Name one thing I have of yours."
"You send him to me in the same exact outfit every weekend."
"Thats because we dont get our shit back!"

Then she hung up on him. She is bat****crazy.

We think we need to not let SS7 go over there anymore. At least until court on jan 13th. If she wants to see him, she can come here on sundays for 2 hours. He needs consistency.

 

[momof3girls]

I agree, if she is not going to follow orders of having to be supervised and she wont return your items, she can come there. We went through this when my stepdaughter would see her mom. no lunch box come home in clothes too small and warn out, but never the ones we sent or she worse came back..... We did eventualy have to start sending her in flip flops and " play" clothes so her good stuff eoud be here. and unch boxes became paper bags ;( Her mom even took her cell phone " lost" it and used all her min so she coudn't call us if she needed to

 

[Stepmom2be]

Its so ridiculous. How hard is it to be a mother? This kid thinks his mom is FLAWLESS. He doesn't understand why he is so angry at her. He knows he is angry, he just doesn't know why.

I think we'll try out letting her come visit him here. Maybe if she feels like she is being babysat, she might change her ways

 

[stjohnjulie]

Is Mom still relapsing? Is she still in some kind of rehab program or support group? I hope so, she sounds ill and I hope she can find the strength and courage to make herself well again.

I would say pick your battles carefully. The lunchbox and clothing thing is annoying for sure, but it's not what anyone should really be focusing on. The supervised visits is the big thing. If you cannot trust Mom to keep son safe alone, then she needs supervised visits with a responsible supportive chaperon. If you can't figure this out without the court's help, then just wait until the courts put something in place. Son's safety is the number one priority.

Also please remember that this is his Mom, and no matter how much she might screw up, he is going to love her. I feel that it is very important to shield the children from the bitter anger in a separation that the grown ups have with one another. There is absolutely no need to explain to the kids when there are petty disagreements. If you need to explain Mom's illness when he has witnessed something, you need to try to be as supportive as possible. Keep it simple, don't go into too much detail, it's just too much for a 7 year old to comprehend. "Mom is sick, and we really want her to get better so you both can be safe and happy." That sort of thing.

Good luck, it's going to be a very long ride!

 

[Stepmom2be]

Is Mom still relapsing? Is she still in some kind of rehab program or support group? I hope so, she sounds ill and I hope she can find the strength and courage to make herself well again.

I would say pick your battles carefully. The lunchbox and clothing thing is annoying for sure, but it's not what anyone should really be focusing on. The supervised visits is the big thing. If you cannot trust Mom to keep son safe alone, then she needs supervised visits with a responsible supportive chaperon. If you can't figure this out without the court's help, then just wait until the courts put something in place. Son's safety is the number one priority.

Also please remember that this is his Mom, and no matter how much she might screw up, he is going to love her. I feel that it is very important to shield the children from the bitter anger in a separation that the grown ups have with one another. There is absolutely no need to explain to the kids when there are petty disagreements. If you need to explain Mom's illness when he has witnessed something, you need to try to be as supportive as possible. Keep it simple, don't go into too much detail, it's just too much for a 7 year old to comprehend. "Mom is sick, and we really want her to get better so you both can be safe and happy." That sort of thing.

Good luck, it's going to be a very long ride!

Thanks! And we do keep a lot from him. The problem though is that THEY let him see everything, and then tell him he can't tell anyone.

Her and I had a blow up today. BF told her yeterday that SS7 wasn't going there and she hung up on him. So she texts me today and says, "See you at 3:15! "

I replied, "BF told me to bring ss7 right home today."
"He texted me yesterday and said hed bring him over."
"I know that but then after you spoke on the phone he told me that he told you he wasnt. I really dont want to be in the middle"
"Youre right you shouldnt be put in the middle. Its not fair to you and him. He is the one who is getting hurt by being kept from me."
"Nobody is "keeping him" from you. You saw him yesterday. Talk to bf when he gets up."
"You really shouldnt get in the middle. I have zero problems with you except when you lie to my son."
"When did I ever lie to him?"
"When i called him last saturday on his phone and he called me back from yours, he told me his phone was lost. Clearly it wasnt, clearly you had it. It is court ordered, not to be with held from him. He may call me any time he wants to."
"I never said it was lost. And read the court order you are quoting. It was not ordered so you can talk to him whenever you want. Its ONLY ordered that he has it when hes with you. In case something happens."
"(my bf) and I will bring this up in court, every time he is kept from me to punish me. And what is the point of not letting him call me? Think about it, you say youre not getting involved, but clearly you are. You are not his mother and do not have the right to with hold it from him. I am his mother and we have a very deep bond. Not letting him call me when he misses me is emotional abuse."
"HE CALLED YOU RIGHT BACK FROM MY PHONE!"
"The phone will stay with me if you wont let him call me when he needs to. You dont get to make decisions for him, ever. Its (bf) and me, thats it."
"We choose not to let a 7yr old have the freedom of a cell phone any time he wants. Every time he has asked to call you, we have let him. (bf) will call you when he wakes up."


BF then called her and they screamed for about 45 minutes. He said, and I quote, "Do not dare EVER speak to her the way you did today. She does not deserve that. She has done more for that child in the last 4 months than you while youre in and out of rehab and passed out on sidewalks."

She claimed that was bullshit, and all we do is keep ss7 from her. We have a court order saying she needs to be supervised at all times, and she doesnt respect that. BF doesnt know what to do. We think that from now on, he will suprvise any visits. Once a week.

I am sorry, but just because she is his mother does not mean she is whats best for him right now. When she was in rehab, he saw her once a week, on saturday, for 2 hours. And he was fine. Meanwhile, I was taking him to school, picking him up, doing his hw, going to parent teacher conferences. How DARE she say I dont get to make decisions for him. BF and I are strongly considering going to the court and getting legally married so that when we go to this hearing on Jan 13, Im not just the gf, Im the stepmom.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Blended families can certainly be a challenge. I know this from experience I would suggest that you make a big effort to not be combative with mom. I know it's hard, especially when you disagree with something she has said or done. When she said you lied to her son, and you asked when, that opened the flood gate. Perhaps if you had said, I'm sorry if you feel that I lied to your son, I try hard to always do what I feel is in his best interest. I care for him as I know you do. That just shuts it down and doesn't put her on the defensive. Ya know what I mean?

I am married now, and my older son's father is still an active part of his life. We have shared custody. That can make things a little tricky for my husband, son, and son's father. My husband has never tried to replace my son's father and that makes it a bit easier on everyone. He still does all the things a responsible parental figure would do for a child, but he has never tried to step into the father role with my son.

I am sure that you care for 7 year old very very much and do many of the things a mother would do for him, but please remember that he has a mother and no matter how much she messes up, he is always going to love her and call her mom. At this point, you are the girlfriend... and even if you marry... you still won't be his mom. I think it's important to try to never do anything that puts a strain on the relationship he has with his mom. You should try to encourage and nurture it as much as you can. He will love you for it in the long run. I assure you.

 

[Stepmom2be]

Everyone keeps saying no matter what he already has a mom.

She is not being a mother to him. I am doing EVERYTHING for this child. And I don't mind doing it, because I love him. he and I have an awesome relationship.

I never say anything to him that would make him not like his mom. Whenever she messes up or ends back up in rehab we just simply say, "Mom is sick right now so you're gonna hang out here for a while." Now that bf has full custody and she isn't doing anything to try to help her situation it infuriates me.

I'm not trying to replace her. I'm trying to help make up for some of the damage SHE has done to him.

I'm not lashing out, I promise. I am just so frustrated with the entire situation. I'm not trying to replace anyone, I'm just trying to be there for him and for he and I to develop our own deep bond, which we have. Because to not be bonded with the child I spend every waking moment with, would not make sense.

 

[vickythejournal]

Yikes.

 

[Stepmom2be]

Yikes.

Yikes pretty much sums it up, lol.

Bf told her yesterday she is not to contact me. He sleeps while ss7 is at school and works nights, so if she needs to contact ss7, she can call him, and he will relay the message to me.

He is sick of her taking out her own issues on me.

 

[NoMamaDrama]

I would say pick your battles carefully. The lunchbox and clothing thing is annoying for sure, but it's not what anyone should really be focusing on. The supervised visits is the big thing. If you cannot trust Mom to keep son safe alone, then she needs supervised visits with a responsible supportive chaperon. If you can't figure this out without the court's help, then just wait until the courts put something in place. Son's safety is the number one priority.

Also please remember that this is his Mom, and no matter how much she might screw up, he is going to love her. I feel that it is very important to shield the children from the bitter anger in a separation that the grown ups have with one another. There is absolutely no need to explain to the kids when there are petty disagreements.

Well said! I agree pick your battles. This is a CO PARENTING situation, therefore it will never be easy like a one parent household would and should be. Clothes, lunchboxes, material things....not so important SUPER frustrating but not really important. If it really irritates you accommodate the situation like modifying lunchboxes and packing sack/bag lunches instead or just putting money on the lunch account. Buy some clothes from the salvation army and send him over in that. I know my husband CAN'T STAND to see SS10 looking like an orphan so he just deals with the loss of the clothes. We just kno he will go over there and it may never come back. In fact since he is always living with like 8 other kids we might catch them wearing his outfit!!! OHH Well......Big things to trip over IS your son safe, is he in a safe environment....? If not that is where the attention focusing will have to be not on the petty material things...and BELIEVE me it took me some time to smooth that out in myself, being the step parent...

Keep your drama between the adults and no matter how ugly acting the mom is or what she tells your son ALWAYS SPEAK highly and positive of the mother...I guarantee you he will see a difference as he gets older and will respect you for it. I know our son used to love going to his mothers and living with all 8 kids in different houses every 2 months. But when he started getting older he began to realize that having his own room in a house that he has not had to move from is rather peaceful... good luck :goofy:

 

[Stepmom2be]

The thing about it is that it's not just the clothes. She replaced the clothes, kind of. And she took ss7 unsupervised to do so. And when confronted about it, she said, "Well I was doing you a favor you said you needed clothes." No, you were REPLACING clothes that YOU LOST.

So the clothing issue is behind us. We dont talk bad about BM around ss. She just doesnt know responsibility and shes gonna have a pretty big wake up call come our next court day January 13th.

 

[IADad]

I had to think about what BM meant, finally figured out that it meant "Birth" but I had some interesting alternatives rolling around in my brain... ;-)

I can see how her reality may be a little different. Like Julie said, I'd be careful you don't be too inflexible. The harder line you follow, the more is appears to SS that you're being exactly like his mom says, petty and fussing over "nothing." I get that it's the principle, and that it's a pattern or irresponsibility and not "nothing" at all, but to and addict and an dolescent, it may not seem that way. Wathc out that you're not being setup.

 

[Stepmom2be]

I had to think about what BM meant, finally figured out that it meant "Birth" but I had some interesting alternatives rolling around in my brain... ;-)

I can see how her reality may be a little different. Like Julie said, I'd be careful you don't be too inflexible. The harder line you follow, the more is appears to SS that you're being exactly like his mom says, petty and fussing over "nothing." I get that it's the principle, and that it's a pattern or irresponsibility and not "nothing" at all, but to and addict and an dolescent, it may not seem that way. Wathc out that you're not being setup.

Well she replaced the clothes, and used replacing them as an excuse to take him unsupervised. BF called both her and her mom and said "If he is taken unsupervised again the VERY soonest you will see him is the court date in January." I think it scared some sense into them.

We also found out back in November it wasnt "Just one beer." She actually admitted that she dropped ss7 off with her parents and went out drinking. So we have plenty of ammo to use against her, and I think she knows it.

SS doesnt really have any idea of whats going on. When his mom calls to talk to him, he will still hand the phone back to me as if she and I are bffs lol. When he says he misses her, I think in my head "Well you wouldnt if she wasnt a drunk," but I say out loud, "She misses you too dude! But guess what, youll get to see her real soon! Why dont you draw her a picture?"

 

[john pape]

Need some vibes in life for perfect growth and getting peace and satisfaction so be healthy and best performance express all life for best role in life.

 

[thumper1980]

wait for court and dont let it get to out of hand...it can be hard with a crazy mom....she will do everything to make a living nightmare for you....when you go to court just keep recored of all of these things.