New here, need help?...

IndianaJones

Junior Member
Jul 27, 2014
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Hi everyone, I am brand new. I am not a parent, first of all. My fiance is though, and we had a little issue today. Here's a little background.
I live with her, her son (7 yr old) and her little brother (10 yr old). My fiance's mother is busy and unable to take care of the 10-yr old, so he lives with us. We have all lived together about 7 months, but have been close for about 1.5 years. WE are getting married in a few months.
Both of her kids(we consider the little brother almost her kid) are great kids. Her son is extremely, extremely great. He holds doors for people, always offers out of the blue for people to share his food/toys; when I am sick or sad he tries to help; when money comes up if I say I want to win the lottery we could have lots of cool stuff, he says "that would not be nice. Other people need stuff too". You get the picture. The 10 year old has more of a problem complaining, and needing to be asked several times to do anything. He ignores his sister/mom the first few times and then finally does the action when asked many times. He left a note saying "f*** (her sons name)" on her bed once, got in trouble for bullying her son, and other things. He cries alot. But some days he is good.
More to the point. I have felt like an outsider in my own home. She has given me no control, rights, or anything with the kids. Today we were getting ready to leave for the park a big day planned, and I said "ok boys shut the computer lets go?. She said "computer off, now" They just sat there and waited to see if they could get away with watching more. I was about 2 feet from the boys. I reached and shut the laptop lid quickly and firmly and said "we said stop now!". That was it, and my fiance behind me said "you didnt have to do that". Then we started to disagree about my relationship with them. For 1.5 years I have acted like a kid with them, in a certain way. Ethan will say Garrett can I have some milk I say "ask your mom". Can I go potty? Ask your mom. Wanna play a game with me? Ask your mom. I have never disciplined them to this day. No spank, no yell, nothing. If I was comfortable and believed my fiance wouldnt get mad at me, I would because there's been times they've lied to me, not listened to me, threw something at me (only once or twice) and generally misbehaved. I know this is happens, and I wouldn't want to get mean with them. I would like to say "no video games for a day" or some sort of corrective action but haven't felt comfortable doing so.
My fiance today said they're her kids, and they are good they dont need discipline. I said sometimes they do, all kids do. But I wouldnt be mean, I mean I would just tell them no video games, etc. And I am not even talking just discipline. I don't even have the liberty to answer they're questions like can I stay up 5 extra minutes? (I don't know if she'd get mad if I say yes, so I say ask mom) That's not discipline. I dont feel like I'm allowed to make a single decision regarding the boys. I feel the need to tiptoe. I know I'm not their dad, and I don;t want to try. I only want to help. For example, the last 20 days I took Ethan to learn a bike I bought for him. Yesterday, he showed his mom for the first time ever he can start, ride, and stop by himself. I am great with the boys.
Today I said baby, I just want to be able to make a decision, to do what I think is best for them in your absence, or if you are upstairs and it's a quick-reaction situation. I want to not walk on eggshells. She said,they're my boys, I have done good so far with them I don't need help. I said well, there are room for improvement but the boys are amazing. I know that, you do great. I just want to help. I''ve never done anything inapropriate with them, hurt them, etc. I don;t want to be their dad after 1.5 years. I just want SOMETHING a little more than it was when I was a stranger and just met her boys. I feel almost no progress at all has been made. I still feel almost like a spectator. Can anyone help me with the timetable that usually progress is made? Can anyone help me with knowing what I should be doing differently, or her? When I had a stepfather (and I will be a stepfather soon), I was disciplined by him. One time he went over the top and hit me, and my mom left him. But this is not like that at all. Her and I know that wouldn't happen. I don't even feel like I should spank them yet(or ever). I am just talking about using words for the most part. Telling them what they should do, should not do, tell them they are in trouble, etc. She told me, which hurt, "I like the way you are with the boys(I feel on eggshells, I don't like it in a sense even though I LOVE the boys). I don't want that to change for a long time" I said in 20 years you want it to be the same? She said "well, thats 20 years". And I said well it has to start somewhere. She said, "I don't feel it should start for a long time". I was very hurt, and started to tear up.

Thank you all and so sorry it's so long. I have emotions right now.
 

jimrich

PF Regular
Sep 13, 2014
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IndianaJones said:
Hi everyone, I am brand new. I am not a parent, first of all. My fiance is though, and we had a little issue today. Here's a little background.
I live with her, her son (7 yr old) and her little brother (10 yr old). My fiance's mother is busy and unable to take care of the 10-yr old, so he lives with us. We have all lived together about 7 months, but have been close for about 1.5 years. WE are getting married in a few months.
Both of her kids(we consider the little brother almost her kid) are great kids. Her son is extremely, extremely great. He holds doors for people, always offers out of the blue for people to share his food/toys; when I am sick or sad he tries to help; when money comes up if I say I want to win the lottery we could have lots of cool stuff, he says "that would not be nice. Other people need stuff too". You get the picture.
My impression is that this kid has been given unusually good and adequate parenting!

The 10 year old has more of a problem complaining, and needing to be asked several times to do anything. He ignores his sister/mom the first few times and then finally does the action when asked many times. He left a note saying "f*** (her sons name)" on her bed once, got in trouble for bullying her son, and other things. He cries alot. But some days he is good.
IMO, unless some mysterious disorder is at work, this is all about terribly inadequate and negligent parenting which somehow FAILED to socialize the 10 yr old properly. He's angry and hurt!

More to the point. I have felt like an outsider in my own home. She has given me no control, rights, or anything with the kids. Today we were getting ready to leave for the park a big day planned, and I said "ok boys shut the computer lets go?. She said "computer off, now" They just sat there and waited to see if they could get away with watching more. I was about 2 feet from the boys. I reached and shut the laptop lid quickly and firmly and said "we said stop now!". That was it, and my fiance behind me said "you didnt have to do that". Then we started to disagree about my relationship with them.
It is very confusing and DESTRUCTIVE for kids to see/hear their parents disagreeing on how to handle their kids! You will both need to AGREE on your parenting policies and methods.

For 1.5 years I have acted like a kid with them, in a certain way. Ethan will say Garrett can I have some milk I say "ask your mom". Can I go potty? Ask your mom. Wanna play a game with me? Ask your mom. I have never disciplined them to this day. No spank, no yell, nothing. If I was comfortable and believed my fiance wouldnt get mad at me, I would because there's been times they've lied to me, not listened to me, threw something at me (only once or twice) and generally misbehaved.
This misbehavior, especially the LYING is all about inadequate parenting which FAILED to properly socialize the kids so they either don't know how to behave or have developed BAD social behaviors. It happened to my brother and I when we decided to LIE to our parents and disrespect them thanks to their very inadequate parental examples.

I know this is happens, and I wouldn't want to get mean with them. I would like to say "no video games for a day" or some sort of corrective action but haven't felt comfortable doing so.
Punishments such as that my PLEASE the Punisher but can never restore love, respect or HONESTY once the parent has cause it to disappear as our parents did. Modeling love, respect and HONESTY is the only way to undo the damages to the kid(s) and restore normal socialization.

I feel the need to tiptoe.
This and other things you write tell me exactly why the 10 yr old is ANGRY & UNHAPPY = inconsistent, inadequate and CONFUSING parental role models! His "rudeness" is trying to get both of you to TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY!

I want to not walk on eggshells. She said,they're my boys, I have done good so far with them I don't need help.
The 10 yr old <I>senses</I> the rifts and friction between his mom and a stand in dad so it must be both enraging and confusing for him and I'd imagine has a negative impact on the 7 yr old as well.

Can anyone help me with the timetable that usually progress is made?
I'd say that unless you become the husband in your own home, it may NEVER HAPPEN.

Can anyone help me with knowing what I should be doing differently, or her?
Get married or go to a couples counselor before you both completely ruin your now damaged kid(s).

When I had a stepfather (and I will be a stepfather soon), I was disciplined by him. One time he went over the top and hit me, and my mom left him. But this is not like that at all. Her and I know that wouldn't happen. I don't even feel like I should spank them yet(or ever). I am just talking about using words for the most part. Telling them what they should do, should not do, tell them they are in trouble, etc. She told me, which hurt, "I like the way you are with the boys(I feel on eggshells, I don't like it in a sense even though I LOVE the boys). I don't want that to change for a long time" I said in 20 years you want it to be the same? She said "well, thats 20 years". And I said well it has to start somewhere. She said, "I don't feel it should start for a long time". I was very hurt, and started to tear up.
Thank you all and so sorry it's so long. I have emotions right now.
IMO, the kids in that MAZE are being seriously damaged by all the complications and DISRESPECT that their parents/caregivers are showing them and each other so, if I were you, I'd get married ASAP and then get into marriage counseling to settle the issues of how to raise your kids. Your kids need HELP - not punishment or discipline (unless it's HELPFUL discipline) and right now they are also WALKING ON EGGSHELLS but have no idea how to deal with it other than to MISBEHAVE!