new to parenting...again/13 yr old...

[chaosapiant]

So, my son is now back in my life after 11 years of living out of state with his mom. He's now 13 years old and is overall a very good kid. My current wife and I have been living childless for a while and had a fantastic relationship. And unfortunately in the last 6 months or so, things have gone south. My wife feels that I am complacent in regards to parenting. So to that, I am trying to get some opinions on things I have no clue about. There are things I feel like I should know how to do that I do not.

While my son keeps an overall clean room, there are times where his bed isn't made all the way, or he leave his bedroom light on when he exits the room. Minor things, but things worth addressing. What is a healthy/productive way to address these minor types of things? Do I tell/remind him everytime I see something out of place? Should I remind him about his light everytime he leaves the room? Should it come out of his allowance? Should these things be let go?

I'll have more questions i'm sure, but this is for starters. Thanks in advance for any help!

 

[akmom]

It's important to start off a new parenting relationship with nit-picking.

If you don't nip this in the bud, he'll be wasting electricity today, and smoking crack tomorrow.

 

[artmom]

I have a 13 year old, I read that when kids reach adolescence a part of their brain switches to toddler mode. This doesn't make them dumb, but very forgetful and moody. I wouldn't say that is the entire issue with teens. They are hormonal, emotional, they need strong guidance and a good listening ear. This is a time where you will be reminding them ALOT for the most mundane things. However you handle it is up to you. If wasting electricity is an issue, instead of a lecture or threat, try dropping clues as to how is actions may affect the whole family. Teens don't think a few dollars makes much of a difference. For example, you get the hydro bill and say loudly, "Boy oh boy oh boy. Looks we can't go on that vacation after all. There goes my budget. Unless, we all pitch in and really tighten up our electricity usage. But I don't know."
Or, even better, sit him down and go over your budget and teach him how to make his own budget with his allowance. If you want teens to understand it's best to give them the facts than nag. Otherwise, it goes in one ear and out the other and you'll get frustrated and he will get defensive.
I wouldn't worry so much about the bed but it's your house and your rules. You could show him, in a constructive way, on how you expect his bed to be made and tell him the reason why you want it like that.
In my house, every rule has an explanation. There's rarely a time when I say "because I said so". I only say that when I'm too tired to discuss it.

It's best to make a chart of rules and the chores you expect him to do. Make a check off board and explain that he gets an allowance once all the chores are done. Any missing or not done properly, no or decreased allowance. If everyone stays consistent with the rules it becomes second nature to him.

Teens, also, need to start becoming more independent and require privacy and freedom. But don't push it on them. They still need some guidance. At 13, they can be a bit nervous about this new found freedom and some may not be ready for a lot of it yet. My daughter is uneasy with being at home by herself for an evening so she still wants supervision. This is okay. It's better to be safe than sorry. There is a lot to cover. I could spend hours on this post. A more efficient suggestion is to get him in touch with the school guidance counsellor. They are not just their for students but for the parents, as well. It's inevitable you will have disagreement with your son but it's your job to be the adult and be the example of how to communicate effectively and handle problems maturely.

 

[meinsocal]

I tend to be more on the fastidious side than not. However, my daughter and my bf's kids, not so much. I mean really, not much at all. I try to pick and choose what I remind them to do and personally note some things are just my own preferences. Your son already makes his own bed? Bonus in my book. Leaving the lights on too is annoying however, I often let it go.
I try to develop and encourage what I feel are the big picture traits: good character, honesty, responsibility and let my own idiosyncrasies fall to the side. I'm sure they'll develop their own in due time so I try to avoid imposing mine upon them.

 

[babybibsplus]

You could talk to him about the electric bill, even show it to him and tell him that is the reason for turning off the light. Tell him saving money by doing simple things like that can leave money to use for other things, such as movies, ect. As far as his room it sounds like he does more than most kid's his age.