no help...

[Antoinette]

I am obviously not a step parent but i still think that this is the right place to voice my opinion/ problem

so as you al probably know (cause i tend to go on about it) i have a gorgeous new 12 week old girl named Mikaela with my partner Tim, i also have two other gorgeous children Felix (4) and Alegra (2 and a half) who have a different father who is in and out of the picture as he see's fit.

anyway here is the problem, since Mikaela has come home i have had little to no help from Tim with Felix and Alegra which is what i need right now, Felix is quite happy to do his own thing most of the time but when i am feeding Mikaela, Felix comes over and demands i play with him which i know is just him feeling jealous of the new baby and he gets lots of extra attention when I'm not busy but still the times he wants it is when i can't give it to him. Tim will not help unless i specifically ask him to, even if he is sitting in the same room watching Felix get frustrated he will not step in and play with him.

problem number 2:

Alegra has been what can only be described as naughty lately and she has been hitting Mikaela when she gets a chance. Tim tends to fly off the handle at her and smack her (i don't smack) but not follow up on it. it doesn't matter how many times i explain that she is 2 and just jealous. i have told him that she just wants attention and instead he could ask her why she is hitting Mikaela and then try to fix it etc but he won't.. Alegra is incredibly gentle and loving towards Mikaela when i am holding her but if Tim is sitting down with her Alegra gets rough and aggressive.. why is this?

how can i approach this issue?

 

[bssage]

IMHO

problem #1: I am making assumptions with this. I suppose with the birth of Mikaela Tim's roles have evolved and changed. Or at least should have. I assume up until that point his role was more emotionally supportive. And parenting cheerleader so to speak. That you: being a strong independent single mother. Had method's and systems in place that were not dependent on him. He probably understood or was taught not to disrupt those systems. IMHO if my assumptions are correct. That puts most of the burden on you. Sure he should probably identify the need and step up to the plate assuming this new role. But he may be simply unclear what You expect that role to be.

I suggest you make the time for you to listen and discuss the new rolls. And dont overlook what your asking is: that he assumes more of the fun responsibly's along with pitching in with the work. What your asking is probably a little scary for him. He has learned not to get between a mother and her cubs. I also think there should be an understanding that with the additional responsibility there come a more significant amount of weight attached to his opinions when it comes to family and parenting decisions. That is something you should understand.

You selling point in this discussion should be that while yes you are asking him to do more work. You are also asking him to have more fun.

 

[bssage]

Problem #2

The best way to convince someone to use a different method of disciplined is by showing or modeling one that works. In this case the "swat" is probably one of the least effective of the lot.

If the plan is to say "dont do that" 5, 10, or 15 times followed by a swat. My suggestion would be first to stop doing that. Then to instantly remove her (for safety) each time, each incident. Then use some of the active listening method's.

PSTC may have some good suggestion for this. But I would use the behavior mod of removing her without engaging her. Just to get out of harms way. And follow that with the more root cause solutions.

Just IMHO

 

[Antoinette]

that is the discipline method we use (i saw we loosely) what ever it is that she is doing i approach her at eye-level and tell her what she has done and why it isn't appropriate and that if she continues to do it she will sit on her spot (there is a circular mat in the living room) if she does it again she sits on her spot. but it doesn't matter how consistently i do this or how many times i explain it to Tim he will not do it he will smack her on the hand or something.

he says he doesn't feel comfortable disciplining her properly but i have asked him to and told him why i would prefer it it just isn't working i don't know how to show him he is allowed to discipline my children, he is the consistent male in their life i would never tell him his opinion wasn't as valid as mine while raising the children.

 

[mom2many]

You two HAVE to get on the same page here. If you don't resentment is going to build up like a volcano and one day it will explode. The results won't be pretty.

How is he with the baby?

As for swatting Alegra.........no, not now, not ever. This wouldn't be a request. He feels okay swatting a 2 year old, but not putting her in time out?

Her actions, are very normal for a 2 year old and a new baby. she is not doing anything abnormal or 'mean', she's doing what 2 year olds do. Make sure if the baby isn't in your arms she is up somewhere safe. Her reaction to Tim holding the baby is jealousy, she doesn't like sharing Tim, he is her father figure and she doesn't want to share who she is seeing as her's. He needs to foster that relationship, not create more resentment.

Talk to him and talk some more. come up with a parenting paln together, and stick with that plan.

 

[Antoinette]

Tim is good with Mikaela he has been incredibly helpful and caring when it comes to Mikaela it is the other two that he seems to have trouble with. i have talked to him about if it is a bonding issue but he says he loves Felix and Alegra but feels like he doesn't want to act too much like their father because they already have a father. the thing i am trying to explain to him though is that no he may not be their bio dad but he is the most stable father figure in their life right now and he can't treat them in a different way to how he treats Mikaela.

how do i approach him in a non confrontational way that tells him A) it is not okay to hit a two year old and B) you can't tell a child it is not okay to hit in one breath and hit them in the next, it is not positive role modelling.

i am just feeling frustrated, like he isn't working with me to help the children and foster a peaceful environment and like he isn't listening to me when i speak

 

[mom2many]

Can you find someone to take care of the kids for a few hours?

Set up a 'date night' and talk to him. Hell if you need to show him what you wrote her and our replies.

He is in awkward position and since he is unsure of his fatherly role with the older two, maybe explain it as if he is just like an uncle. A strong role model, but not trying to take anyones place in their lives.

 

[bssage]

Just IMHO and opinions.

First I would want to listen the the explanation of this

he says he doesn't feel comfortable disciplining her properly

And really just listen take it in for a bit before your respond. I think this is key.

When you use the word swat. I think of that more as a gesture than punishment. Or rather I would consider it differently if you used the word spank. In this case (swat) I dont consider it a earth shattering event. Just a waste of time like repeatedly saying "no" a hundred times. Simply not effective.

Its easy for me to understand his confusion to where he fits in. Especially since Bio is in the picture. I think this is where it has to be established that Bio or not he is at times the responsible adult. And that his responsibilities include but are not limited to how they behave: treat others: their care and safety. This means he is obligated to correct and discipline from time to time. And I mean making that clear to the kids.

Since we dont know his personality I think the best suggestion is to use words that are more along the line of "team" I.E. "What We are doing does not appear to be working": "Lets come up with a plan we can do consistently together and give it a week." Remove as much of the "I" and "You" as possible from the conversation. I know you have had some formal training for dealing with kids. Either lay out a menu of things to try or better yet let him suggest some ways.

My current favorite strategy that I have been having some success with is: the Three, Two, One strike and your out. Start with three strikes (warnings) then remove from the area or situation. Then two strikes and remove. Finally no warning and remove. No drama no lectures no anything just remove. Kinda like a timeout without being punitive. Of course I start this strategy with active listening as step one and evolve to the strikes. It is very low stress and I have had good success with it. It does involve getting off my butt and doing something though.

I think you can approach without offending if you start with: Look it appears my timeouts and your swats are neither one working. Lets try something different and together.

And really I agree with M2M 100%. Its not uncommon, Not really a huge deal to correct over time. It is probably more normal than abnormal. It can be approached as a experimental game for you and him to explore what does work correcting behavioral issues that will help you both when the real heavy hitters inevitably come around.

The last thing I would mention. The two of you are whether you want to or not. Modeling how people interact together to solve problems. So if the discussion gets heated I would exclude the kids. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

 

[akmom]

If you get your husband to distract the kids while you care for the baby, then kudos to you. In my family, it doesn't work that way. The kids are always drawn to Mom like a magnet. Dad can be playing their favorite game in the world, but five minutes later they will all three be under my feet, and he will give up! It's just my experience, but I think you might want to settle for a routine without Dad... involve them as much as you can, by having them fetch things for you, or whatever else you can think of that will engage them without disrupting your time with baby. Young kids just like to hang out with Mommy.

 

[Antoinette]

thank you for your help. i have organised a friend to watch all three of them for a while on Saturday night so Tim and i can have the house to ourselves and can talk over things and sort out what is and what is not working.. thank you