Older son and car issues...

[bill1971]

Hello,

I haven't been here in a few years. My 25 year old step son, is having some financial difficulties. He is very much in debt and has some points on his license. He lives at home and is working and does pay rent and helps out with buying groceries and helping around the house.

The issue is he needs a car. He is driving his mom's car, because a few years ago he lost his in an accident and has either been borrowing her car or getting rides from his sister. Because of this we are renting a car which gets very expensive. He is helping out with it, but its not a long term solution.

I am seeking advice on how to get him a car, since he can't get financed due to credit and debt income ratio. I am already financing 2 cars and simply don't have the money to give or borrow to him. Anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you.

 

[artmom]

What public transit? I've never learned to drive because of a fear I have, but I take the bus everywhere.

 

[bill1971]

He thinks the bus takes too long and although I haven't heard him say it, I think he's embarrassed. The times he had to get his own ride home, he took the Uber, which is like a cab and is about 12 to 17 dollars a ride.

I think it's an excellent suggestion. I had to take the bus on the way home because we all had to share a car, its not that bad.

 

[artmom]

No, it isn't that bad. It's just an affordable way to get from point A to point B. I don't find it embarrassing at all. And quite frankly, your son can't afford to be a car snob. You would think it would be more uncomfortable to be bumming a car off of everyone at his age.
Sure he chips in and works, but he doesn't seem to get that money doesn't magically appear for free and that cars are not always going to be available for the cost of nothing.
Stop paying his rental and start saying no to him borrowing your car without putting gas in the tank and/or helping out with the cost of using your cars.
You could even ban him from your cars and make him take the bus to show him that this is how many people travel when they don't have any other means to get around. It may be the only affordable transportation for him so he can start putting money towards those debts.
Have you sat him down and helped him budget? In math, we used a budget graph. Some banks provide them. It really helps to break down expenses and gives all the possible areas that need budgeting so you won't forget an expense.
He can, also, go to his bank and look into some products that may help him save. I'm not sure if you have this where you are, but Tax-free Savings accounts are like hidden accounts where you have to access them through talking to clerk or telebanking agents. You can't see the account on the card. You call in or go to the bank and add, like $25 to your TFSA and you have to do the same to request money out of it but they put it into your account and it usually takes about a day or so for the funds to be processed into the account. Interest gets added in the account when you leave money in there. So, it's not a quick way to access money your saving nor do you remember you have it all the time because it's not in sight, beckoning you to spend. I am horrible with money, too, so I love TFSA's.

 

[page16]

If there is public transportation available and he can't pay for a car, then he needs to take public transportation, it's that simple. At 25 years of age, you should not be responsible for getting him a car or making sure he has one. If you keep allowing him to take his mom's car, then he won't have a reason to save up for one, and it is just endless.

 

[bill1971]

Thank you both. I agree with both of you, but he does help with repairs to the car and to pay what he can for the rental. He also pays for gas. However, the fact remains that he needs a car.

His mom did get a list of all of his bills to help him budget. I think part of the problem is as page16 said that there is no reason or incentive to get a car if one is always provided. I have a feeling if he was left up to public transportation he would very shortly "find" a way to a car. Either by a friend or borrowing money from a friend or another relative.

I feel like as a family member we are supposed to help him out, but there is a fine line between helping and enabling.

 

[bill1971]

My question is how stern I should be, its already a tenuous relationship.

 

[akmom]

Go on Craigslist and get a cheap used car from someone. Have a trusted mechanic look it over so you know what to expect in terms of maintenance before you buy. There's a lot of stuff out there. You don't need to buy from a dealer.

 

[cybele]

He has two options

a) Suck it up and take the bus
b) Suck it up an take the bus temporarily while he saves his pennies to purchase a cheap used car

 

[artmom]

My question is how stern I should be, its already a tenuous relationship.

It's time to be as stern as you can. He's an adult and you are the enabler. The way to nip it in the bud is to wash your hands of his problems. If he resorts to borrowing friends cars, it'll be a matter of time until those relationships run out as friends will only put up with it for so long. But it shouldn't be your problem either.

I was made to take the bus everywhere since I was allowed to take the bus on my own. My mom thought it was a chance for me to learn to be independent.
I also built up an endurance to walk long distances and I would ride my bike if I didn't have bus fare.
Does your son have a bike?

Either way, his transportation woes are not your problem. What would happen if he was living on his own? If you are helping him, enabling him to be dependant on you for support every time he is in a jam then he would be expecting help in other areas for a long time. It could be rent, utilities, groceries....! Chipping in with chores is great...when you're a child to develop those skills of maintaining a home and becoming independent but he is too old for gold stars for little efforts.
I'm not saying it's bad to help out your son once in a while. Heck, my mom has helped me out. But I don't expect her to be obligated nor do I feel entitled that she help me out. I have to pay her back within the month every time she loans me money, or I have to pitch at her house whenever I visit. (Well, I do that anyways.)
Even though your relationship with your son is a bit strained his situation is probably the culprit and he's gonna need a wake up call to realize that you are not his bank nor his car rental dealership.
(sorry if my posts are long. I have a lot to say on the matter as I have been in your sons shoes, but for housing purposes, not transportation.)

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Depending on where you live, buses or trains may not be an option. I live in a quite vibrant UK city, but public trasport can be a nightmare. There are parts of city which are basically inaccessible. No car? Then walk or take taxi. And yes, busses can be so slow that even walking is quicker.

In this situation -- you are all adults here, a family. I believe it is possible to sit down and discuss eachother's needs and options.

 

[BellaBabyBoutiq]

My answer is let him figure it out on his own. Don't do it for him.
He is a responsible adult. He can figure it out. He needs to save money from his job or get two jobs if he wants a car. If you want to do something nice, get him a scooter or a bus pass.