opinion on speaking up when hurt...

[Violet.Fields]

Show this to your kids & teens!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1QPkLs3GLE

let them know all of your love will always be there as well as you <3

 

[Ruben Padilla]

I agree with others here that communication is vital, and expressing how you feel is of upmost importance. It's not only a sign of maturity and growth but demonstrates respect for the other person, and shows them that you value the relationship enough to express yourself honestly.

One of the biggest discoveries I've made in teaching other parents is that <I>tonality</I> can make or break a serious discussion. A tone that suggests anger or frustration can easily be misinterpreted as hostile and offensive by the listener.

Many a discussion has deteriorated due to wrong (or neglected) tone of voice.

With nonverbal cues comprising so much of our communication, it's vital that, no matter how sensitive the topic, your tone remains calm, careful, and concerned (The 3 "C"s), and most of all - loving.

Hope this helps!

 

[sandra holmes]

One should always speakup , trust me that is how one can survive.

 

[amyk]

Thanks Sandra and Ruben for the feedback. I like to see what people say. I do have to admit that when I spoke to the gal my tone of voice wasnt nice. I was pretty mad at the time because I saw her the day of the party. I think next time I will wait until some time passes and Ive calmed down before I talk to someone and when I am not hot under the collar anymore. Good advice!
Amy K, NJ

 

[parentastic]

Communication is the key to any quality relationship.
I could tell you a lot about this because I have studied this and use it as my #1 professional tool as a family life educator. But I wouldn't have enough space here to even start

Here are a few golden rules:

1) Always, <I>always </I>communicate when something is wrong for you. If you keep it inside, you let it grow and fester. In addition, you may think it's wrong because of how you <I>interpreted</I> it, and by voicing it clearly, sometimes you can clear a misunderstanding.

2) Each person has their own reality. There is rarely a single "truth" in communication. Keep this in mind if you find yourself thinking you are right and they are wrong.

3) Everyone will listen to you more clearly and openly if you listen to them first. Apply this rule as often as possible and your communications will greatly improve.

4) Speak in "I", not in "You". Don't say: "You are this or that". Say: "I feel like this or that". Own how you feel, then ask for <I>help</I> rather than cast a blame.

I could go on and on, but these are already a start.
If you have more specific questions, let me know

 

[amyk]

Thanks very much for your tips parentastic!
I hope I can access this thread in the future if I do run into an issue with someone again. The advice from you and others is very helpful.
I hope you have good holidays.
Amy K, NJ

 

[abeja]

To be honest, telling someone how you feel in the family is no different than telling someone at work how you feel. The person on the receiving end will always perceive it as being shot down and there is no way to comfort the fall for them, if you do however offer comfort to them as you turn them away or tell them they did wrong that would defeat the purpose of how you express your feelings to them and your feelings no longer become important.

If these people are adults as we see them, then they should understand where the problem lies, if however they don't then there is no ethic or professionalism involved and only they can work on that problem. This isn't a 2 steps forward 1 step back if they cant meet with you eye to eye then you keep moving forward, your feelings are what matters the most and only you can make yourself feel better. So step up your game and be the adult in the situation.

 

[amyk]

Thanks Abeja!
Amy K, NJ

 

[dtorre]

Hi to the Boards,

I hope everyone is well.

My mother and I were having a discussion earlier this evening about interpersonal relations.
If someone hurts your feelings, family member or friend, I think it's usually good to tell the person how I am feeling so they can possibly tunein and treat me better.
My mother disagrees. She feels that speaking up can potentially put the other person on the defensive and if they are sensitive, can ruin the friendship, relationship, etc. And the relationship is never the same.
I am curious to other peoples' opinions because the last two times I told someone how I felt, the people didnt take it well and it potentially hurt the relationship.
Human relations can be tricky.
Curious to see the answers I get.
Thanks,
Amy K, NJ

hope so

 

[holbo]

One of my mottos is this:

"Always mean what you say, but do not always say what you mean"

When I was 15 years old I confronted my dad with my feelings that he didn´t love me. He never told me he loved me and he chose other things over me etc.
That day was one of the biggest challenges of my life and for some years our relationship was a bit awkward. But since these few years passed our relationship has constantly been improving. We will never have a real father to son relationship and about 10-15 years ago I started the process of accepting this as a fact I couldn´t change.

I have never regretted the decision to confront him!

When I get hurt, I usually ask myself these questions:

Am I overreacting or is it reasonable that I´ve been hurt?
How important is it to me to tell that I´ve been hurt?
Will telling about it change things to be better?
And most importantly:
How important is my relationship with the person, who hurt me?

The answer to these questions help me determine when to say something and when to keep shut...

 

[Questions]

I have always regretted bottling everything up inside when I was young, everyone should always speak their mind.

 

[Helene]

It definitely depends on a situation.... To my opinion you always should try to solve your problems and misunderstandings talking them through with a person who hurt you... This will improve your relations in a future... )

 

[Mom2all]

I think it completely depends on the situation. Before you confront them it really does depend on several things. Did they mean to? Is what they said hurtful because its true? My 84 year old uncle said my butt was getting big.. it wasn't worth commenting on. One he's old, and two, its true. My darling saying that I need to stand up for myself when I feel like I already do... something I'd think about, ( he could be rite), and if I can't overcome it, we'll talk about it in a way like... "hey, when you said this, my feelings got kinda hurt. I took it to mean.. blah blah blah. What did you mean by that?" Most of the time you'll probably find they didn't mean it the way you took it and then you'll be glad you didn't go into the conversation with a confrontational attitude.

 

[Andrea Brown]

Situational communication is the key. There is no one correct response to the same situation with two different people. Each person brings their own personality, experiences, and beliefs into each human interaction.

The key word here is: human. We are all so unique that it takes time and patience to learn about other people and determine the best way to respond.

Best wishes!

 

[dodslinvv]

Just state the facts, and let the emotions pass by. When that is done correctly, someone will listen.

 

[Buttaflly227]

I agree with your views, however, it depends on how you go about it. Don't attack people because that DOES put them on the defensive but don't downplay things either. It seems like your mom just wants to avoid drama, which is always nice but you also need to make sure you don't get walked on.
However, with that said, also know that no one can make you feel bad without your permission. It's all about your perspective and interpretation of things. If you believe what someone says about you, then it would bother you because that pulls at the fear in your heart. However, if you do NOT believe what they say, honestly don't believe it, for example they say you have fur, you'd just dismiss it as preposterous. Take this and explore it within yourself.
In terms of destroying relationships, you should only have people in your life that BENEFIT you, truly. If they say hurtful things and you address it maturely, then their reaction is caused by their interpretation not by your actions. Do you see? You cannot control other people, only yourself and often people blame each other for things such as how they feel, what they did, etc. But, this is not the way it is. It's not your responsibility to police everyone else's emotions. If you bottle things up it turns into resentment and THAT is what ruins relationships.

 

[singledad]

you should only have people in your life that BENEFIT you, truly.

Perhaps I misunderstand, but that does sound a bit harsh - so you're only friends with someone when you can gain something from it? Sorry, but I've heard this said before, and it has always struck me as a rather selfish philosophy. Personally, I owe a lot to people who have stood by me at times when I had nothing to give, but needed to take a lot. Sure, I made an effort to give back later, when I was in a better place in my life, but they had no guarantees that would ever happen. How can you say they were wrong to to stand by someone who really didn't benefit them at the time? What ever happened to giving without expecting something in return?

I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm hoping you can explain to me what I'm missing here...

 

[Mom2all]

I agree with Singledad. I believe in Karma.. you get back what you give. May take a while to come full circle.. but well worth the wait.

 

[bssage]

In terms of destroying relationships, you should only have people in your life that BENEFIT you, truly. If they say hurtful things and you address it maturely,

I think what the author means is not to allow yourself to build one sided or self destructive relationships. Or Dont surround yourself with people who tear you down. I think its self preserving, not self serving.

You cannot control other people, only yourself and often people blame each other for things such as how they feel, what they did, etc. But, this is not the way it is. It's not your responsibility to police everyone else's emotions. If you bottle things up it turns into resentment and THAT is what ruins relationships.

I absolutely agree with this. We we see it all the time on the forum. "What do I do about this person?" Or "This person is doing this and that" The truth is we only have control over ourselves and our reactions. We may be able to influence others. But ultimately only have control over ourselves.

 

[Buttaflly227]

<U>To clear things up</U> in terms of only having relationships with people that benefit you.
I mean making sure you're in a healthy relationship.
I certainly am not suggesting being friends with people just to 'get things out of them' like money, rides, favors, etc. No, that <I>IS</I> selfishness.

What I mean is:
-Do they INSPIRE you?
-Are they KIND to you?
-Do they make you HAPPY?
-Do they make active attempts to be in the relationship with you?

The relationship doesn't need to be romantic; it could just be a friend calling you to get together or just to say hi. It's important that relationships are not all on one side, you only calling them, you only helping them, etc. <I>That is what gets draining and is unhealthy. </I>

You should ask yourself occasionally:
Does my relationship with this person IMPROVE my quality of life in some way?

It's natural for all relationships to hit highs and lows and you shouldn't just hit the road when someone else needs you.
BUT, if there has been a consistent pattern that is negatively affecting you such as how they talk to you, or neglect you, or anything else that makes you feel bad or hurts you in some way, <I>consider taking a break from that person. </I>
It doesn't matter to me whether it's your mother, your adult son, your wife, your co worker, if they are not healthy for you then distance yourself from them.

If it's impossible because of x and y circumstances, then do what you can to <I>limit your interactions with them</I>. If the situation is bad enough, I would even change the circumstances that force me to be around them. For example, look for other jobs and quit once I found one, move somewhere else, or change my phone number.

These can be extreme paths but if the relationship is dangerous, negative, etc, these big changes are for your own benefit. You just need to be strong enough to start them if and when you are able to realize it's for the greater good.

Hope this helps!

Be Well,
Be at Peace,
- Jessica

http://www.greatestkidsgames.com