Opinions Wanted...

[coach3099]

Hi,

I'm having an issue with my ex involving our 16 year old daughter.
Just recently I found out that my ex used some of our daughter's personal money that she worked for to buy toilet paper, dish soap, laundry soap, and some other household supplies.
She told our daughter that this was a "contribution to the household" and has no plans on paying her the money back.

Also, my ex plans on having our daughter babysit her younger sibling (2 years old) during her summer break from school.
This will be Monday through Friday 8+ hours a day without pay.
My ex says it's a "contribution to the household".

I have my own opinions about this, but I figured it woud be a good idea to seek other opinions as well just in case i'm way off base with mine.

Please give me some of your thoughts about this.

Thank you very much for your thoughts and time,

Coach

 

[jtee]

Coach, How does your daughter feel about this?

 

[coach3099]

Thanks for the reply.

I just had her with me this weekend, and we talked about it.
She doesn't like the idea of spending her summer break away from school babysitting. She loves her baby sister very much but she doesn't thinks it's fair that she doesn't have a choice in the matter.
She says "even if I got paid" I don't think I would do it if I had a choice.

Also, she was pretty down about having to use some of the money she earned (through a temp job) to pay for supplies in the home.

She brought these concerns to my attention.

 

[evilbrent]

depends on the financial situation - but as a general rule you'd have to say that a kid's earnings are their own to spend or save how they like - they're certainly not available for 'requisition'.

I think it's reasonable to expect that a 16 yr old be able to look after a 2 yr old for limited periods of time ("Mind the baby while I nick up the shops for some milk would you love?") but, again, her time is her time.

I would suggest that if your ex-wife wants to enter into a 'husband-housewife' type relationship with your daughter - the ex-wife going out to work while the daughter stays home and looks after the family - then the daughter gets to have a say in how the household is run, what money is spent on what (does mum smoke???) and what time mum is going to be home from work.

you either get treated like an adult or you don't. 16 yr old's shouldn't have to be treated like an adult.

 

[musicmom]

New post on next page.

 

[Ari2]

What is your ex's financial situation? Perhaps she is in financial trouble and is scrambling to find ways to pay her bills. If this isn't the case she needs to treat your daughter more fairly - it is unreasonable to expect a 16 yo to babysit (with sole responsibility) all summer without pay unless there is no other option available. If she can't afford a babysitter, she needs to talk to your daughter and the younger child about the situation and find an alternative so the 16 yo doesn't feel dumped on and resentful toward her sibling.

 

[coach3099]

Thanks for the replies again.

Evilbrent, you have summed it up pretty well about how I personally feel about it.
It's good to give your kids responsibities around the home such as chores (which she has), but to have them contribute in a financial way and/or forcing them into adult (parent) responsibilities can't be healthy on a childs mental state?

My daughter lives with her mother & step father.
They aren't bad people, but they don't seem to understand that they may be doing more harm than good.
They currently pay for full time daycare which I fully understand is expensive, but I think they are going about it in the wrong way.

My daughter has already expressed to me many times that she doesn't like it there & can't wait to get out.

In my opinion, I think that is exactly what they are teaching her.

 

[coach3099]

Thanks for the reply Ari2.

They live in an upperscale neighborhood in a 200,000+ dollar home.
The mother and step dad both work full time jobs.
They are currently paying for full time daycare.
I don't know what their finances are like so I guess it's possible they may be struggling a bit.
Even if they are, I don't know that this is the right way to go about it. Seems logical, but I just can't seem to shake that it isn't right.

 

[EHB]

Coach, I definitely do not mean this as a mean response to your post, but may I suggest that you kick in additional child support for your daughter to cover this deficit. As children get older, they become more expensive to keep in food, clothing and the like.

I also do not agree with your assessment that your daughter contributing a very small portion of her earnings to the house is out of line. As a working youngster, back in the day, it was an expectation. I don't think I suffered mentally from it. In fact, it taught me early that I needed to budget and save and that all of my basic needs had a cost.

I'm suggesting that you rather be supportive of this, than angry at your ex about it. You could be contributing more, so that she doesn't have to or you could also be explaining to her that it is important to learn the value of money and that contrary to what we have managed to teach our children in this generation, the day will come, all too soon, when they will have to support themselves. It is not a lesson learned too early.

I am embarrassed to say that two of our oldest daughters have not learned this and are struggling to budget and be responsible with their earnings and I do take it as a personal failure that they did not learn it from us. They are now forced to learn it the hard way, by struggling to make it on their own. They have both told us that they believe we were too indulgent and we allowed them to have a false sense of us always being available as a safety net and them never having to spend their own money on their essentials.

As for the babysitting for no money. I cannot agree with that. There should be some compensation, even if it is not equal to the amount currently paid for the daycare. That said, I do and have told my older children that I do expect them to perform the odd baby sitting (when we go out to dinner occasionally, or I need to go shopping for an hour or two) as a way to contribute to the family. I don't have an issue with that. Full-time baby-sitting, however, should be paid for. My 22 yo watched my kids over a weekend when my husband and I had to unexpectedly head out of town to visit a dying relative. We paid her and made sure we left money for anything the minor kids might need in our absence.

The point is, I think there is a balance that can be found here. It is not a bad thing to expect a child to contribute either partially financially or in time, but it has to be in a reasonable and non-punitive amount. It should not be seen as a punishment, either, but as a valued contribution by a loved and valued member of the family and as an appreciation for all the other things that are being provided. It's a good lesson to learn, so long as it is lovingly applied.

I really do encourage you to consider increasing the child support a bit. I speak to you as a woman whose ex husband paid virtually nothing for the support of our child and who together with her husband decided that it was better for our children if we paid the full court-ordered child support to his ex-wives even though we were raising the children, because it was in the best interests of the children that they be raised in our home. The cost was immaterial when weighed against the needs and best interests of our children.

 

[evilbrent]

there's a difference between being expected to contribute - I mean, in some parts of the world there's 14 yr old kids working full time for their family - but in the west there's a difference between contributing and - yoink - having your money taken without reason or warning.

 

[coach3099]

I appreciate all of the feedback with this greatly.

EHB,

I'm not my daughter's biological father & the mother refuses to go after the "sperm donor" for support.
I even offered to help her go after it to no prevail.
But, I always have been and always will be her daddy. I have been her daddy ever since she was born. (a different topic alltogether )

I'm currently paying for her braces, and have always supported her both financially and emotionally.
The only difference is that i'm not obligated by law to do so.

I'm currently married and in the process of adopting my step sons. Ages 10 & 16, so in reality I have three (non biological) children that I support both financially and emotionally.

There's nothing that bothers me more than a man running away from his obligations/responsibilty as a parent and supporter of his children so i'm definately in your corner with that one. )

She lives 30 miles from me and I transport both ways on the weekends.
This is not an issue with me, and I wouldn't have an issue helping my ex with this financially so my daughter doesn't have to suffer for it.

It just bothers me that she is jusifying it by saying it's a contribution to the h
I meant to keep this as neutral as possible with my personal opinions as not to try and sway anyone in my corner with this.

I appreciate all of your opinions big time!

Please keep them coming if you have them, and definately feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Thanks again!

Coach

 

[AnKsMommy]

I totally don't think it's fair for your daughter to have to watch the younger child without pay for the whole summer. She's a child herself! She needs to go out and do things that kids her age do. On top of that since it sounds like she's a working teen already she could be saving up some money with a summer job and that opportunity is being taken away as well. Has she discussed this issue with your ex?

As for the taking money out of your daughters account to pay for basic household things. I think that if there is a money issue that it would be more reasonable. *My parents took out my whole savings whenever I was a teen because of that. I was upset, but now that I'm older I understand.* But if they are pretty well off I think that it's not exactly a good way to teach her how to handle her money. Even more so if she's not having any income at all now that she's babysitting without pay.

Just my thoughts.

 

[musicmom]

I'd look at it like this...........if she does watch the younger one for the summer she'll be less likely to get pg at an early age
Although your daughter seems very responsible so take that comment as a joke.
You are an awesome parent. I love that you are doing your best for three children. You rock!
I don't think it's fair all the way. I think she should baby sit but get slipped money here and there or something special. As for taking her money.......well........it does depend on their financial situation. My son is seven and I had to borrow five dollars once. I felt stupid but I had to. Of course I paid it back with intrest. lol
Teenagers often want to leave home around her age, that's just teenagers.
Up until now has the mother and step dad being doing well with her? Is she well mannered? responsible? kind? Take into consideration how she is as an individual. If she is a wonderful person then they must be doing something right.
Don't undermind their parenting to your daughter but do talk to the mother if you can. There are two sides to the story.
I agree that maybe if they are in a bind you could help out (IF) you have it to give.The economy is really tough right now. Lower and middle and upper middle class are all struggling. You are rather poor poor, or rich rich.
No matter, you sound like a great parent. I wish I had you as a dad!

 

[meow_173]

When i was 16, i didn't have to pay for anything in the house, nor was i expected to babysit for 8 hours without some sort of retribution (however my siblings would have been 13 and 15). Maybe your ex should get another job?

 

[Amber]

When we were younger, I got the task of babysitting my brother and sister while my mom and dad were at work during the summer, and while school was in, until they got home. Wasn't the greatest thing in the world, but I did it to help my parents out. I also took it upon myself to have dinner ready when they came home and to make sure myself and the other two had the house cleaned so my mother wouldn't have to do it. I honestly don't want to say whether it was fair or not, but it did give me a great view on how it was going to be when I grew up and married. I learned to cook and how to keep a clean house.

As for the contribution to the house, my parents never required it (nor will I) unless we were over 18, out of school, and still living at home. Of course, we all left when we were 18 to college, so it never applied to us. I think at 16, perhaps it would be a nice gesture if she offered to pay for something, but I really don't think it should be expected of her.

 

[FooserX]

I think any normal person would side with the original poster - but why are you posting? What can change? Did you just want us to feel your pain?

I think it's rediculous for a parent to take money from a kid without paying it back...maybe there are money problems? Even so, it sounds like irresponsible parenting (and money managing)...so the 16 year old daughter is getting the short end of the stick.

Maybe you (or her even) can start a savings account for her to put her money into? Mom doesn't need to know, or have access.

 

[Amber]

I think any normal person would side with the original poster - but why are you posting? What can change? Did you just want us to feel your pain?

I'm assuming this was for me? I felt no pain, dear. Just satisfaction in knowing that I could be a contribution to our household, which is what I think all children need to learn. Do I think that the dear child needs to spend hours babysitting? I don't think it would hurt her, but I think she needs to be able to live her youth as well.

 

[FooserX]

I'm assuming this was for me? I felt no pain, dear. Just satisfaction in knowing that I could be a contribution to our household, which is what I think all children need to learn. Do I think that the dear child needs to spend hours babysitting? I don't think it would hurt her, but I think she needs to be able to live her youth as well.

My post was to the original poster, not to you...

...dear.

 

[Amber]

My post was to the original poster, not to you...

...dear.

Sorry...sweetie.

 

[coach3099]

Thanks again for the replies!

The reason i'm seeking opinions with this is because I wanted to see if I was out of line with the way I was thinking.
I asked many people about this who I know personally and they all agreed with my feelings.
I wanted to bring this up with people who don't know me personally so I could see different views
Often the people who are closest to us (friends & family) tend to side with the way we think.

I don't believe that this will change anything although I wish it could.

I brought this concern up with her mother and step dad, and they completely think that what they are doing is ok.

My daughter tells me she has tried talking to them about these things only to have them get mad that she has a different feeling about it.
Basically what i'm getting from that is they don't allow her to express her feelings.

Her mother has complained to me in the past that she never opens up and communicates much. I think i'm begining to understand why.

Again, I don't think her mother or step dad are "evil parents" by any means, but I do believe they are lacking certain parenting skills here and there.

This was her first real job ever and in my opinion that's not the best way to motivate your kid to want to run out and find another job. This was just a temp job she had on the weekends for about a month or so.
Money management can be taught in different ways.
I would have completely understood if they were broke and needed to borrow it. I have been in that situation myself before.

The helping out around the house and occasionally keeping an eye on her baby sister I have no problems with whatsoever.
A child should definately be taught responsibilty, but I think there's a line you have to draw with how much you give them, and in my opinion it's being crossed.

I tried explaining this to her mother and step dad. I let them know that i'm not trying to change how they do things in their home, that I am only voicing my concern as her father.
I basically gave my daughter the voice she doesn't have.

I will keep you all updated with anything new.

Thanks again for all of the feedback & for also allowing me to vent a little. )