Other parents lying for your child...

[lodestone123]

I would like some opinions on this as I feel I might be over reacting to this - maybe.
My teen daughter is allowed to go to parties under certain conditions. We try to keep her as safe as possible at these parties and curb underage drinking as much as possible - which is hard these days as kids just seem to be drinking heavily at young ages. Our methodolgy is this - we drive her to all parties and pick her up. She is not allowed to sleep over after a party so that we can be sure she is safe and - if she has snuck a drink - has not had too much.
On the weekend she went to a good friends house for "just a sleep over" (I have spoken with the mother many times and she knows our policies). I spoke with the mother later in the week and she said they had a good time, just hung around the house.
I then found out later that she had driven them to a party and pretty much lied to me about them going anywhere, not to mention my daughter lying about it (which I expect <U>on occasion</U> from a teenager).
I feel this is a terrible breach of trust between parents. Not only is she putting herself in a bad position by taking my daugther to a party that we have not approved but then lying to me hence making me doubt anything she says to me now. I will no longer feel like my daughter is safe at her place.
Am I being unreasonable in being shocked and angry at her?

 

[jessicams]

I don't think you're over-reacting or being unreasonable at all. I don't really care why she lied or covered up for your daughter. It's not right. If I were you, I would not allow my daughter to be at that house again. If you can't trust the parent, how in the world can you trust their child to make the right choices?

 

[mom2many]

Yeah not cool, but at the end of the day your DD was old enough to make her choices. She knew your rules better then anyone and she chose to ignore them.

As for friends house...there just won't be any sleeping over there anymore. the girls could hang out at my house but that would be it.

 

[lodestone123]

Thank you jessicams and mom2many. Yes - my daughter has apologised and we have discussed repercussions but the mom should have understood. I was feeling a bit alone for awhile -thank you

 

[Squishy]

I feel I might be over reacting to this - maybe.
Am I being unreasonable in being shocked and angry at her?

No, and no.

Parents have this unspoken agreement with each other to be straight and to accept the authority of the other parent. What this other person/parent did was outrageous and totally unacceptable! She not only usurped your authority as your daughter's parent, she also then lied to you about it. Under no circumstances is that OK! She had a responsibility to accept your guidelines, and if she felt some moral reason not to, she should have told you up front about the differences in parenting styles and her inability to assure you of her compliance.

Your issue with your daughter is a bit more nuanced...Regardless of the impulsive style of the other mother, your daughter had a responsibility here to also acknowledge and accept your limits even in your absence..the presence of another parent there doesn't absolve your daughter's responsibility to be true to you and your wishes...I'd ground her for that one! However, I'd also recognize the difficulty teens have controlling those urges, especially in the presence of what seems to be a compliant adult, and use it as an opportunity for her to see that she must think for herself..and that sometimes that means reaching beyond her own hedonistic needs of the moment and maybe recalling 'family values'.

 

[IADad]

When we allow our kids friend to stay at our homes we accept the responsibility of providing prudent oversight. This parent failed and did so because they knew you'd object. My kids wouldn't be there, especially overnight.

You're issue with your daughter's responsibility is a separate issue, that you seem to have addressed. But I agree she's not harmless in this.

 

[lodestone123]

Yes - tough one for me now as the girl lives around the corner and they are good friends. My daughter is also 17 now and has a bit of independance. It get's harder as they get older to just say "you are not going there". I would rather talk about the issues with her and help her to understand what impact her mistake has had so that she can learn and grow. She is very responsible and mature in some areas and then does dumb stuff like this. I know some parents have different approaches but I feel that if we just keep talking to each other and discussing our feelings we will go further than approaching these situations with arguments and punishments.

 

[mameredith]

Wow, no way are you overreacting. An ADULT should never lie for a child to his or her parent. That's ridiculous. It sounds like she's not parenting herself but working at being her daughter's friend instead. That's not doing anyone any favors. It's the most unfair to her own daughter but it definitely has an affect on your daughter. Ugh!

 

[mentalmum]

I would rather talk about the issues with her and help her to understand what impact her mistake has had so that she can learn and grow. She is very responsible and mature in some areas and then does dumb stuff like this. I know some parents have different approaches but I feel that if we just keep talking to each other and discussing our feelings we will go further than approaching these situations with arguments and punishments.

I think that's really wise. You know, don't you, that research now shows that young brains are not fully developed until into the twenties, and that the areas of the brain that handles decision making are some of the last to mature? So the fact that she can be smart about things one time, and then dumb and immature another time, is totally to be expected. It does sound like you've handled it well thus far. I guess I would say to her, if she were my daughter, look, I'm not happy about you sleeping over there any more because I feel like I can't trust X's mum to be a responsible adult and car for you properly. And see where it goes from there. Hopefully your daughter will realise that there've been a couple of breaches of trust (hers, and the other mum's) and understand that you can't just ignore that, because you love her and want her to be safe.

All the best!

 

[lodestone123]

Thank you everyone. I feel the lies were just not worth the repercussions -they have been worse than the crime! This actually isn't the first time a mother has lied to me about what was going on with my daugther. Another story. I seem to be surrounded by mother's who think that it is better to be friends with their daugthers and be told everything rather than trying to reel them in. I do understand this as I wish my daugther told me everything but I also think they are deluding themselves if they really feel their kids are telling them everything.
As long as there are rules, kids will want to get around them. It may be a lie or some other way to avoid them. Some may confess but most probably won't unless confronted.

As much as there is a lot of support for me here, I wonder how many other moms would bend the truth to another parent about letting their child do something they know they aren't allowed to do...

 

[dave]

I think you can let her go over there. BUT with restriction.
Only for a certain amount of time
not after a certain hour (party hours)

if they hang out from say 5pm to 7pm and they want to attend a party your daughter needs to come home and let YOU take and pick up . If her friend turns out to the party then they can have fun together.

Just don't let your gaurd and treat the other parent as if they are just as immature and irresponsible as a teen (as they are apparently)

 

[RegalSin]

The other parent feels where they are going is a safe place. Means if anything occurs, they will take the fall, for anything and everything.

 

[lodestone123]

"Means if anything occurs, they will take the fall, for anything and everything." You are right there RegalSin - I would absolutely hold them responsible if anything were to happen!

 

[Cop2be]

But your daughter is also 17, I take it less than a year from 18.
I think you are too restrictive on her.
Do you not trust her?
Do you think she is incapable of not handling herself at her age?
Do you not care if she is or not you just want to make sure anyways??

What happens when she turns 18? Are you going to let go and see if she makes good smart adult decision or are you going to keep guiding and walking her through everything?

 

[BU Project]

I think there are some communications issues between you two. I think that you really do have a right to be angry, though.

 

[PsychStudent]

 

[Jenmomto3boys]

I would have been pissed