Our 11 year old wants to end his life, please help!...

[BigEd214]

We have an 11 year old boy who has always been outspoken, loud and extremely smart. Once he get's into a topic that intrest him, he learns the in's and out's of that topic. He get's really good grades and is very smart in school and all his teachers have always said nothing but good thing about him, except that he talks too much, which is true, sometimes he doesn't stop talking, even at home with us. Aside from all of this, ever since he was about 4 he would show signs of a bad temper when things wouldn't go his way. We just thought that is normal, if a kid doesn't get what they want they get mad and cry but one time he actually said that he didn't want to live anymore and he wanted God to take his life. Years went on and he kept having a bad temper and cry really loud and storming off when we wouldn't give him what we wanted or wanted to teach him how to do things instead. It wasn't too bad until recently. Within the past year he has really taken things to a whole new level with the temper. We just ask him to pickup his thing off the floor and we give him a reason why he should pickup his things and why they should be in his room but he has an excuse for everything. Every little thing we tell him there is an excuse right behind it and when we explain things to him he goes in circles and back around to why he doesn't want to do it. It gets to the point where we tell him that we are going in circles and that we will talk about it once it stops, this just upsets him more and begins to cry and get angry, then we tell him to go take some time to himself and think about what he is saying but then that leads to him storming off and crying and saying that he doesn't want to live anymore and we're the meanest parents around.

We've took him to a psychiatrist and he was able to help him realize some things but he was still very stubborn about his ways. Maybe we need to try someone different? Either way these episodes have gotten worse and have involved him scream his head off in his room that he's so stupid and he doesn't want to live and that he has the worse life. After the last time that happend about three weeks ago he seemed to have changed a bit. We have began to notice changes in his behavior and he has been understanding a lot more lately when we ask him to do something or reasons why he can't do or have certain things. Until yesterday, we told him to pickup his baseball gear and leave it in his room but he didn't want to because he doesn't want to carry it up and down. We explained how we can't leave it in the living room and that he can easily bring it up and down when he needs to change for practice or going to a game but he still had every excuse in the book and still went in circles about everything, then it lead to crying and then us telling him that he needs to go spend time in his room to thinking about things but then that led to an explosion of scream and yelling in his room and wouldn't stop. We took away all of his belongings three weeks ago and I'm sure that help in why he changed his attitude towards everything lately, we started to give him his things back little by little but with yesterday's explosion we took things away again. After he is done with his explosions, he seems to be a different kid and almost act like nothing ever happened. As easily as he gets upset that's how fast he is normal again. We feel like he is just doing this for attention and just saying things so we feel sorry for him and give him what he wants. He tells other family members that he has the worst life and doesn't want to live with us anymore and just wants to leave. They all tell him that he has a wonderful life and good parents and that he just needs to see that. We are so confused and don't know if this type of behavior is normal? should we ignore it? does this happen to other parents? If so what are they doing and are they seeing results? We just don't want him to hurt himself and at the same time we don't want him to grow up thinking it's ok to do certain things when it's not.

 

[GavinH]

Hi BigEd

This type of behavior is not typical. I don't have any specific advice except to take this seriously and get him some new help. Even if your son is not 100% serious about his threats to harm himself he is calling out for help and you must be there for him.

 

[NancyM]

Hi BigEd
Welcome to the board

I'm very sorry to hear about your son's story, it saddened me to think that an 11 yr old would want to end his life. And I believe you said he was younger when he said that.

I don't know how normal that really is. To me it sounds extream. Some Kids do get angry when they don't get their way, but usually after getting in trouble by the parents enough times they kind of figure out that they need to straighten out and better learn to get along.

I really think he needs serious therapy. It concerns me that he hasn't gotten any better since he was about 4. So maybe you should consult the school psychologist or find a private one but someone needs to get to the bottom of this.

He may have a simple disorder, but if left untreated may turn into a worse condition, and also once he becomes a teenager, his mood is going to change again and usually not for the better.

IMO your right to be concerned and shouldn't take his emotional outbursts lightly especially if he doesn't want to live. If you don't know who to see or what to do you can also talk to his pediatric who will tell you exactly what to do. And don't be afraid to tell him or her everything, they've really seen it all.

Good luck I hope you get help for your son soon.

 

[parentastic]

BigEd, your son seems like a bright and smart boy. From his standpoint, i amgetting that he doesn't feel like heis fully understood, that his life is not under his control and that he doesn't seem to fully understand the reason you make certain decisions.
As a result, he is profoundly unhappy and he expresses this distress in innapropriate ways - in part, because he does not have a good control over his emotions (hence, explosions).

I would take these talk about suicide seriously, as a sign of his real distress and anger.

Some reference to read:
The explosive child, dr. Ross Greene.

To improve the situation, you could change your approach. Stop taking decisions for him. State your boundaries - your needs! What you need and why - and ask him to find a solution himself. It has to come from him! Je likes to use his brain to argue because he is bright and sharp, and because it allows him to retain some control over his life. So use this instead of opposing it!

An example:
You want him to bring his sport gear upstairs right? Why do you want that? Because if left downstares, it stays in the way, it becomes cumbersome or even dangerous? Well ok. Don't tell him to pickup his stuff and bring them upstaires. Instead, state your needs: describe the situation and say how you feel and the concrete effect:
"when i come back from work and i find your sport gear in the hallway downstaires, i feel annoyed and also a bit scared, because i risk stepping on it and last time i almost fell! I understand you arrive from your practice tired and all, so let's find a solution to this problem. What do you suggest we do?"

As long as you speak in "i" and keep it at the level if your own impact, he cannot argue that it is not true. You respect his reasons: you can caludate his side, you don't force a decision your way or the highway, but you ask for respect of your need and you empower him to be creative and find a solution. It may not be the solution you would have thought but DO consider each suggestion carefully, and if it answers your need, say yes and thank him for thinking about it and for respecting your needs.

This has many benefits: it won't trigger explosions, it teaches mutual respect and models that behavior, it teaches your son to think critically and to build win win solutions. Give it a serious go.
More material on this: see "i" messages and problem solving process, in Dr Gordon's Parent Efeectiveness Training, for instance.

 

[momtoallkids]

just a question.... does he self-punish? for example, hitting his head on things, punching/slapping himself?
i ask because he reminds me of my step-son just a little more extreme. my step-son sees a therapist weekly, a phsyciatrist monthly for his meds, and has a theraputic mentor. it could very well be early on-set bipolar disorder. its hard to diagnose in kids that young though. however, again, it kind of reminds me of my step-son. we are currently having him evalutated for aspergers syndrome (high functioning form of autism) those kind of reactions are very common. im not a pro but i have dealt with some messed up kids. i would explore every angle possible. google autism spectrum, see what his score is and if it fits, bring it up to his doctor. try it for bi-polar disorder too. it might help get you some answers. as for the death threats those should never be taken lightly whether he means it or not because someday he may make the threat like every other time and you ignore it he may actually do it. its a very shaky bridge you are standing on.