Parent on Parent...

[stillme]

My husband and I try to agree on everything with our sons, but like any parents, we don't agree on absolutely everything.

Such as our 11 year old and freedom. I am petrified of him getting kidnapped. I had a nightmare a couple of times where he disappeared, probably because there was a couple of times he took it upon himself to actually disappear and I had no idea where he was...anyway, and now I am extremely nervous of him being out and about the neighborhood. So we got him a cell phone. I ask him to call me when he gets to his friends' houses, which he never does. I ask him to keep his phone on him which he hardly ever does and doesn't answer it half the time. Then when I call his friends' parents and he gets on the phone and I ask him why he didn't answer he says, "I left it upstairs." or, "I was in the backyard and left it in the house." And last night, for instance, he spent the night at his friend's house and I called him twice, then had to call the parents because he didn't answer, and texted him that his father wanted him home to have lunch. I called him when he didn't answer that text and his friend picks up his phone and I asked where he was and he said that he went home to eat. This makes me mad because part of the whole purpose of him having a phone is to keep it on him during transit so I know he gets from place to place safely.

Now, my husband thinks I'm being kind of unreasonable. He thinks my son has too little freedom. He thinks he should be allowed to roam the neighborhood on his bike and have the opportunities to get in trouble sometimes and I do see his point...but then what if something bad happens to him? Would he still want that? I feel it is better to let out the rope bit by bit as he gets older, and to at least know where he is at all times and be able to reach him at all times. The idea of letting him go all about the neighborhood freely at this age does not sit well with me, but I also don't want to hinder his development. Plus a lot of his friends are allowed to do that. So I'm really not knowing what to do here because everytime he is at a friend's house I am at complete unrest, worried the whole time, and it's driving me crazy.

Advice?

Edit: I forgot to add that my son is small for his age, which doesn't help my over-protectiveness.

 

[Dadu2004]

I tend to be with you on this one...I tend to be very protective and have a hard time of letting my little girl roam around a bit. I think the idea of the cell phone is a great one, but you're gong to have to teach your son the consequences of not using it as instructed...I'd suggest that he's grounded for a night the next time he doesn't respond when you call or text.

As far as your husband is concerned, you're going to have to come together on a middle ground. Sit and talk about it ...you're going to have to loosen up a bit and he's going to have to tighten down a bit. Communication is key.

Good luck!

 

[IADad]

I see both sides, and I suppose I tend to be a bit more protective than some, far less than others. DS1 has had a cell phone since he was 5, it's among his most cherished posessions, so it seems odd to me that your son doesn't like/use his. Is it possible that he sees it as a "tether" to you? I wonder if he's embarrassed in front of his friends who don't have to check in...? Can you strike a deal with him, he needs to text you when arriving at destinations (since a text is less obvious than a phone conversation with mom) and then you won't have to bug him/embarrass him. If he doesn't, then you're going to ground him.

It seems reasonable that you just want him to check in, you're not asking him to call you every 5 minutes or insisting you take him to every location and leave him ony with a signed receipt. Does your son, know about the devisiveness between you and DH on the issue. That's something DW and I agree upon, if we don't agree on each other's handling of a matter we won't voice it in front of the kids, we'll discuss it in private and reach a concensus.

 

[stillme]

@Dadu:

Yes, I am sure if I approach it as "We need to reach some kind of middle ground on this" and have an agreement, that'll be good.

@IaDad:

My husband and I always try to discuss these kind of matters by ourselves because we realize that it isn't good to seem divided on important matters. So, no...I don't think he knows our seperate opinions on this subject. I like the texting idea. I'll suggest that and see how that goes.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

well, to the OP -- try to remember yourself at that age. how did your parents act, and you certainly didn't have a cellphone.

I have nothing against cellphones, but children of that age aren't responsible enough to treat such thing the same as adults do. so don't completely rely on it.

yet i agree with others -- he must call/text you about his whereabouts. it isn't overprotective, just family members have to know. (me and my husband always call each other if we're late, delayed on somethings, or plans change)

 

[amyewhitmore]

You are not overreacting at all. Your child is old enough to be given the responsibility to go to his friends house and call you when he gets there. If he doesn't call you, I would tell him that he can't go to his friends houses until he proves that he can be responsible and call you when he goes anywhere. Suggest that him and his friends play at your house most of the time.

 

[Step23]

I can understand, somewhat, your hesitation regarding your son's safety. However, I can see this way: your nervousness is probably something your son is picking up about you. You don't even have to say a word. And your insistence on him always being accessable via that cell phone would be annoying to the extreme degree if I were a kid. To check in when he arrives, check his text, ooops - phone is ringing - gotta talk to mom, let you know when he's leaving. When, exactly, does he get a chance to simply play or ride his bike?

I know, moms worry. It's what they do best. And where would any of us be without moms who worried. But how many of us didn't like those little opportunities at freedom? To be somewhere when mom/dad couldn't get hold of us? Didn't really know where we were?

My suggestion? Do you know your neighborhood? Are you secure that it is relatively safe? Do you know your neighbors and the parents of your son's friends? Do you also realize that most child abductions are by people who know them, and not by strangers? As long as your son has the knowledge on how to handle himself regarding strangers (which I'm sure you and your husband have taught him), he should be pretty safe in the average neighborhood.

I would say give him some tether and see how it goes. Ask him to check in, but give it some leniency. I'll bet when he realizes that mom relaxes and is willing to ease up a bit, he'll be more willing to be more accessible to you!

 

[IADad]

I have nothing against cellphones, but children of that age aren't responsible enough to treat such thing the same as adults do. so don't completely rely on it.

I don't think that kind of a universal statement is valid. My son has had a cellphone since he was 5. It's one of his most prized possessions and has been the source of many learning opportunties ranging from being responsible for your stuff, being safe, being responsible with communication with your peers, setting priorities. I think it's the behavior, not the tool.

 

[Shiroi Tora]

Now days it is simply too dangerous to have a child out alone. Not just from predators...but peers who lead them astray. The predator looks for the lone sheep (they look upon them as that - they think of themselves as the wolves). Just do a neighborhood sexual predator check...and gang activity check. I am sure you and your husband will take stronger precautions. You could drive him to his friends. Remember also, wherever children gather (parks etc.) the predators gather.

If it is real...it is not paranoia.

My NSHO is from over 23 years of experience as a Correctional Officer (retired now). I've spent a lot of time around criminals. Even in custody...the sexual predators talked about their proclivities and tried to keep children's photos from the newspapers and magazines (I always had to confiscate them from their cells). They have a drive that never stops...they are always on the lookout for opportunities.

 

[christinamarie]

Just don't argue infront of the children.

 

[Phildye]

I strongly believe your son should have some freedom. Yet how you feel is quite normal. My research with dads revealed this is a common discussion point and it usually revolves around walking hope from school.

Dads will always take more risks and also instill more rules. The key is to make your son responsible for his safety by giving him small times of exploration and then make those times longer.

Important!
If he calls in to tell you he's leaving school or on the bus it's sooo important he's doing it for his own safety rather than your emotional satisfaction. Sometimes he'll have to leave the digital umbilical at home and he is not responsible for your emotional tranquility unless he's late or broken a deadline (then he has to let you know). Ultimately this is a part of growing as a parent more than him growing as a child.

Phil Dye: author

 

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