OK had this all typed out computer crashed. BUMMER. i am a step mother and mother to 3 kids. The 17 yr. old is SD. She has lived with us many years. her mother doesn't have much to do with her not even pay child support. BUT is going to college to get a counseling degree. Really? AMAZING... well SD is argumentive when asked to do certain things areound the house or when I talk to her sometime she rolls her eyes or stomps off or pouts. When we get into a confrontation, she will yell at me tell me no and don't do as asked. Many times the younger children have told her to stop yelling at me. Then she wants to call her dad and talk to him becuase it isn't fair that she has to do this or that. Well he then gets i volved questions me what happened and so forth. Sometime he has said "Girls calm down" Excuse me I am your wife not a girl? Now if the other two kids start to act anywher like this he is all over their case. "Don't talk to your mom like that" he is constantly all over them. But his daughter from the previous marriage walks on water. I guess because I sure don't get how he can let her treat me like that and then be all over our kids for the littlest problem. I am just at my wits end. Of course he won't go to counseling he sees nothin wrong. What do I do? Input appreciated.parenting difference...
- Thread starter cjhays
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OK had this all typed out computer crashed. BUMMER. i am a step mother and mother to 3 kids. The 17 yr. old is SD. She has lived with us many years. her mother doesn't have much to do with her not even pay child support. BUT is going to college to get a counseling degree. Really? AMAZING... well SD is argumentive when asked to do certain things areound the house or when I talk to her sometime she rolls her eyes or stomps off or pouts. When we get into a confrontation, she will yell at me tell me no and don't do as asked. Many times the younger children have told her to stop yelling at me. Then she wants to call her dad and talk to him becuase it isn't fair that she has to do this or that. Well he then gets i volved questions me what happened and so forth. Sometime he has said "Girls calm down" Excuse me I am your wife not a girl? Now if the other two kids start to act anywher like this he is all over their case. "Don't talk to your mom like that" he is constantly all over them. But his daughter from the previous marriage walks on water. I guess because I sure don't get how he can let her treat me like that and then be all over our kids for the littlest problem. I am just at my wits end. Of course he won't go to counseling he sees nothin wrong. What do I do? Input appreciated.
I am wondering if perhaps he acts differently with his daughter because she is 17 years old - nearly an adult (as opposed to your kids who are both school-aged) rather than because she would be from a different mother.cjhays said:
To better understand, are you wondering how to improve the relationship with your step daughter? Or are you wondering about the difference of reaction your husband has with her vs you and why he doesn't seem to defend you?
he sees nothing wrong with belittling you in front of his child who you are supposed to step-parent?
It seems you don't stand much of a chance making changes with SD if you can't get together on an approach and solution with DH.
What would make him see that it's affecting you negatively? What will get his attention? I suppose he doesn't have to go to counseling, but you two need to settle this between you. You need his support.
It seems you don't stand much of a chance making changes with SD if you can't get together on an approach and solution with DH.
What would make him see that it's affecting you negatively? What will get his attention? I suppose he doesn't have to go to counseling, but you two need to settle this between you. You need his support.
To better understand, are you wondering how to improve the relationship with your step daughter? Or are you wondering about the difference of reaction your husband has with her vs you and why he doesn't seem to defend you?[/QUOTE]
That is my question...I just seem stuck where it doesn't even matterthat she can walk all over me belittle me disrespect me and I tell him thiw and he is like "I don't know" "you both were out of control" "you both were raising your voice" but when this happens between the little one and me he never says stuff like that. Only when it comes to trying to parent her. How can he love me like a wife and treat me the same way he does his oldest daughter that lives with us. He will say something and then seem to look at her for some reaction and then look at me. its weird. When questioned he denies it. I just get tired of it. I am trying to help her grow up to be responsible and make good choices have values and respect but intrying to do so , if she doesn't like how I am attemptin to parent she goes throgh a routine and then that sucks him in and he gets on the defense for her instead of saying. "She is your step mom you do as she says. No talking back. No arguin." We are teaching her that it is OK to treat peple hoever you feel ecause there are no consequences. How can I make him see that? THANKS ALL for your advice.
That is my question...I just seem stuck where it doesn't even matterthat she can walk all over me belittle me disrespect me and I tell him thiw and he is like "I don't know" "you both were out of control" "you both were raising your voice" but when this happens between the little one and me he never says stuff like that. Only when it comes to trying to parent her. How can he love me like a wife and treat me the same way he does his oldest daughter that lives with us. He will say something and then seem to look at her for some reaction and then look at me. its weird. When questioned he denies it. I just get tired of it. I am trying to help her grow up to be responsible and make good choices have values and respect but intrying to do so , if she doesn't like how I am attemptin to parent she goes throgh a routine and then that sucks him in and he gets on the defense for her instead of saying. "She is your step mom you do as she says. No talking back. No arguin." We are teaching her that it is OK to treat peple hoever you feel ecause there are no consequences. How can I make him see that? THANKS ALL for your advice.
It does sound like he see's the younger ones different then he see's the older ones and I can only give a perspective from a mom of older kids and a mom of much younger kids.
It is very similar in my house, when it's the little ones the hubby will jump in and reprimand the little ones. When it's the older ones he runs more interference, it took my some time to figure it out myself but what I came to see is that I interact differently with the kids. The younger ones I tend to be calmer with, the older ones I tend to get a lot more pissed a lot faster cause I "feel" they should no better sometimes. guess what? He was right.
From what you say your husband is saying I am thinking the same exact thing is going on. You are getting as angry as she is so it is escalating. It is really hard to walk away and not get that last word when it comes to teens but if you can just state what you want done without taking it any further yourself you may see things start to change a little.
It is very similar in my house, when it's the little ones the hubby will jump in and reprimand the little ones. When it's the older ones he runs more interference, it took my some time to figure it out myself but what I came to see is that I interact differently with the kids. The younger ones I tend to be calmer with, the older ones I tend to get a lot more pissed a lot faster cause I "feel" they should no better sometimes. guess what? He was right.
From what you say your husband is saying I am thinking the same exact thing is going on. You are getting as angry as she is so it is escalating. It is really hard to walk away and not get that last word when it comes to teens but if you can just state what you want done without taking it any further yourself you may see things start to change a little.
I am a stepmother as well, and it can be tough if you feel your husband doesn't have your back.
I think mom2many is on to something. Parenting older children really is different than parenting the little ones. It might require biting your tongue at times, but you cannot allow yourself to be drawn into your SD's drama. If she rolls her eyes or pouts? Well, that's what teens do. If she begins to raise her voice? You DO NOT raise yours. Keep your voice even, low, and steady. If she attempts to draw you into an argument, walk away and tell her you will talk to her when she has calmed down.
I've found that when people (regardless of age) start getting upset and raising their voices, if I don't raise mine, and walk away when I have to, they are left with no one to argue with and are quickly deflated. They simply cannot get the best.
I would also recommend a sit down with your husband, but do it during a time when tempers are calm and there is no teen drama at the time. He will probably be more inclined to listen.
I think mom2many is on to something. Parenting older children really is different than parenting the little ones. It might require biting your tongue at times, but you cannot allow yourself to be drawn into your SD's drama. If she rolls her eyes or pouts? Well, that's what teens do. If she begins to raise her voice? You DO NOT raise yours. Keep your voice even, low, and steady. If she attempts to draw you into an argument, walk away and tell her you will talk to her when she has calmed down.
I've found that when people (regardless of age) start getting upset and raising their voices, if I don't raise mine, and walk away when I have to, they are left with no one to argue with and are quickly deflated. They simply cannot get the best.
I would also recommend a sit down with your husband, but do it during a time when tempers are calm and there is no teen drama at the time. He will probably be more inclined to listen.
It seems to me that you are asking him to pick a side.cjhays said:
To choose you over his daughter.
It must be a terrible place to be, I know if I was in his shoes, I would really not want to be forced into picking a side.
He loves you both. You are both equally, but differently important and meaningful to him. And that daughter, being 17, is much closer to being a young adult-adult relationship than a parent-child relationship.
I believe that if you want to gain big time in your husband's respect, you should try to solve your step parent-step daughter relationship on your own and without forcing him to pick a side. And, bonus, if you do this, you might also gain your step-daughter's respect and improve the quality of your relationship.
As for the <I>how</I> to this, my haunch is that your relationship dynamic is stuck in parent-child mode. You see yourself at the parent, entitled to your authority and the right to decide things and not be challenged by her; she sees herself as a young adult who can decide the direction of her own life and sees no reason to bend to your authority. so both of you are clashing.
Since you are the adult, it's your job to stand down, switch mode, be the bigger person and <I>listen</I> to her. Use "I" messages instead of accusations and blames and critics, be patient and open yourself to see life trough her own eyes. If you can do this, she will mellow down and start trusting you, and the dynamic will change. AND your husband won't have to take sides.
Take a deep breath here and try not to personalize what's going on. You're a step parent to SD, the boundaries are different....and I suspect, never discussed and clarified...and that needs to happen now. In the absence of clarity, there's emotion.
Without a history from birth, you're at a loss, you're the interloper, and she's reacting to you with characteristic antagonism and resentment, you haven't established your authority the 'standard' way...thru birth! And your husband is reacting to being in the middle in the characteristic, male way: Making light of it in an attempt to diffuse the obvious explosiveness.
Sit with him first, and calmly, calmly talk about your perceptions here and get some reassurance about your primacy in that relationship. Work with him about clarifying your role with SD. You're in the grey zone, you know: Not the mom, but not a stranger with no cred either. SD should be able to accept your presence as an authority as she would any other type of adult in that position, even without the emotional bond, and that should be the goal: To remove the emotion (which is what's getting in the way here).
Clarify what it is you are to SD.
Without a history from birth, you're at a loss, you're the interloper, and she's reacting to you with characteristic antagonism and resentment, you haven't established your authority the 'standard' way...thru birth! And your husband is reacting to being in the middle in the characteristic, male way: Making light of it in an attempt to diffuse the obvious explosiveness.
Sit with him first, and calmly, calmly talk about your perceptions here and get some reassurance about your primacy in that relationship. Work with him about clarifying your role with SD. You're in the grey zone, you know: Not the mom, but not a stranger with no cred either. SD should be able to accept your presence as an authority as she would any other type of adult in that position, even without the emotional bond, and that should be the goal: To remove the emotion (which is what's getting in the way here).
Clarify what it is you are to SD.
cjhays said:
Something wrong with your step-daughter. I think she's lack of discipline or guidance from her mother. Just don't pressure yourself to get close to your step-daughter. Just give her time.
Depending on your relationship, with them. Did you breast fed em, change their diaper, wipe their tussies, play with them, lift em up. Or did you just buy toys for them, and tell them to do their homework?
That is a big difference.
Teenagers = adult without job. Remember you are no differnt then her, and being a step mother just makes that line extra thick. They need to have responsibility of some sort, during that time. Right now she could just get smart, find a man with deep pockets, and lie her way into the grave.
That is still the norm, even since the days of Egypt.
Mother probably treating her like a rape victim baby. "Wha what I never had that kid, no I never was married, no I never knew him" that kind of attitude. Or maybe she has some kind of secret relationship with her, that you don't know about? Like on the internet, facebook, phone bill, or something else? Never know.
How do you disipline her? Do you get out the Iron Maiden, or just turn off all the power from her room, and lock her hoping she does not commit suicide? You have to disipline her, or some how get her to do these things, you need from her.
Well their you go, whatever you say must be a green light, with the father.
In his eyes, he probably sees two deminented, insane, inhuman hens. The last thing a man wants to do, is get into argument between two women.
Him saying Girls is okay. It is his way of negotiating without disrespecting anybody. If you want him to say "Everybody" instead, then ask him, but he probably will forget.
Well he is trying to make them understand, you are their "mom"
Okay, well here is the reality. She is an adult. He is a scared father, and if she is the oldest ( I am assuming ), then she is more special for that reason.
Right now all I can understand, is a rebelious person living with a stranger.
Step relationships never work out great with older children. She needs a boyfreind in her life, so she can have other problems to worry about.
Like when my family member had an unknown wink wink freind. They started to be quiet and do all the chores. Then they discovered they were skipping school almost every week. She needs freinds so she can have other problems with you. I really don't see a point in counciling with an another adult in your home, especially a person who is 17.
I must admit that I have no advice at all for the original poster. I do, however, know that what the stepdaughter is doing is typical rebellious teen behavior. I haven't come upon this situation yet because my own son and daughter are 3 and 4 respectively. My stepdaughter is also 3 and is a month and a half older than my son. We get a lot of misbehavior out of her too but I can't say it's rebellious as she is only 3. I truly don't know what to say to this other than maybe sit her down and have a chat with her and let her know that you do, in fact, love her and want her to enter the adult world as prepared and responsible as possible. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
I am a step mom to a 10 year old and I have one on the way with Hubby! Anyhow I see your delima...it is a problem that does need to be resolved because I am sensing some rooted bitterness. My son and I have a good relationship, I have been in the picture since he was 3.5. So a while. His mom also is in the picture and is very active in his life. Basically I am like the side help IMO. My husband and his mom coparent. There are a lot of things that slide by on my step sons behalf that I don't like and at times my husband does not like but since we don't really have drama with his mother my husband continues to let it slide. A lot of times out of guilt. He feels guilty because SS is exposed to two different lifestyles. We are very structured and orderly and organized and strict. His mother is more fun and disorderly has had like 50 different addresses always living with people that have 6 kids + and no father.....:yikes:....cjhays said:
Anyhow back to your story. I am wondering if your husband has some underlying guilt that the 3 children that you have together get to have a two parent house hold but his oldest daughter has a mother that doesn't want anything to do with her and so he tries to compensate her but ends up compromising your due respect in the meantime...
Of course for parents who are never step parents it is always hard for them to see how it bothers you he probably thinks your just being over sensitive....maybe even a bit jealous. I would definitely try to have a neutral discussion with him where you explain how he may never understand fully how you feel, but out of respect please don't .....fill in the blank. I had to do that with my husband, it has helped. Especially when I said that he can't truely understand what it feels like to be in my shoes and i don't expect him to
sit down and have a calm convo with him about it....state how you really feel and how everything is going.....and maybe he will understand and if that dont work than punish her and dont let her call her dad tell her i told you to do something you dont argue with me.....it works with my 3 step children
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