parenting styles...

[bssage]

There has been several post lately point to one style or another. I say lets clear the air.

One of the styles subscribed to a few members is know as http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting

While that is not specifically one of the four common types

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Authoritative_parenting[/url]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Authoritarian_parenting[/url]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Indulgent_parenting[/url]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Neglectful_parenting[/url]

I believe Attachment would fall somewhere between Authoritarian and Indulgent parenting. Since I am no expert I will let those that are explain. I would refer you to the first WiKi link.

My opinion is that Attachment parenting is neither wrong or harmful. I believe it is not for me. That alone does not make it a bad thing. I see the styles in the same light I see religion and politics. At there base most are well intentioned and for the betterment of the human race. but further up they begin to be more about policy and exclusion often tearing down opposing views in efforts to strengthen there own. Rather than allowing them to be evaluated on there own merits. A lot, if not most of the work I tend to notice in all three categories tend to devolve into this self destructive adversarial approach. Thats just my Opinion.

I can find bits and pieces of what I do in almost any of the styles. I take what I find useful and make use of. What I don't find useful or applicable I discard. I think I am more of a freestyle parent. Or a scavenger parent who take what he wants from what is available.

 

[mom2many]

I am attachment, with a little bit of mainstream thrown in. Here is my style..

1. No CIO of any sort. That doesn't mean they don't cry or have tantrums. It means I would never leave my child to cry themselves to sleep just to meet my needs. CIO is a hill to die on for me.
2. I co-sleep. With the last 2 I didn't even own a crib, although I had a porta crib that was rarely used.
3. No food before 6 months, there's no need and with research suggesting it can do more harm then good. Why not wait?
4. I do spank, not as the only form of punishment. It's for when all of my creativity is gone and nothing else has worked.
5. I believe in giving children the freedom to be themselves. I believe they have a voice and should be heard.
6. I also believe that I am the parent so at the end of the day I have final say.

I'm sure there is more but that is what comes to mind.

 

[IADad]

I'm not so sure it boils down to 4-5 styles, but I'd have to say I fit into Authoritative. Therefore this is the correct answer....;-)

 

[MomoJA]

I don't know if I am still clear about attachment parenting, but I think I lean more in that direction. If not, I'm closest to authoritative according to those descriptions. However, I do not parent by the book. In other words, I read about other people's techniques, but I do not follow one method or another. I try to be consistent, but I do what makes sense at the time when I do it right. I often do it wrong and even when I do it right, it doesn't always work.

I have a very strong-willed child. I keep saying I'm going to read that book about raising a strong-willed child, but I haven't yet.

 

[parentastic]

There has been several post lately point to one style or another. I say lets clear the air.

Parenting style is measured through four parameters:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• The nurturance level: how much warmth and comfort? Hugs and kisses? fun times? special activities? play-time reserved with children?</LI>
  <LI>
• The communication level between parent and child: is it one-way? Two way? Is there feelings validation? How much can the child have a say in decisions?</LI>
  <LI>
• The control level: Are boundaries explained? enforced? How rigid are the rules? Are many rules are there? How detailed are they? What's the autonomy the child has? How much leeway?</LI>
  <LI>
• The expectation level: Are children pushed to perform? Or are they left to themselves? Are high or low standards of expectations set for them? Are there follow-up from the parent to meet these expectations?</LI>

</LIST>
Some time ago, I created this chart to explain, as best as I could, how the different parenting styles are divided, based on the criteria accepted by the professional field:

Authoritative parenting is the largest main category, and it encompasses most of the balanced parenting practices, including attachment and democratic parenting. It is also proven that it has the best long term results across all cultures, against a plethora of indicators.

Attachment parenting as it is defined today, as well as democratic parenting, are <I>sub-styles of the authoritative parenting</I>. There is a bit of confusion around the term because historically, when it was first created by Dr. Sears, the term "attachment" only referred to the first few years of an infant / toddler life and it was about co-sleeping and the patterns of parental response to children's cries.

More recently, however, with the introduction of neurobiology in the field of developmental psychology, and the modernization of Bowlby and Ainsenworth's attachment theories, it encompasses a whole style of parenting that includes the replacement of punishment with empowerment, problem solving, "I" statements, and deep listening, aiming at developing self-discipline and internal locus of control, through reasoning and coaching. It is based on addressing the root cause of behavour problems, rather than the symptom (what Dr Siegel calls "from the inside out"), while creating a deeper secure attachment link, so that children naturally <I>want</I> to model their parent's behavior. All of this, while maintaining a high level of expectations, and a moderate but clearly present control.

Hoping this helps

 

[momtoallkids]

:-( i dont think i fit into any one catagory. see now im interested. here you guys tell me lol
i am really strict with my kids about school work and behavior. low grades and disrespect are not exceptable as far as i am concerned. before i even had kids i swore that my kids would never be the type that stand on the seat in the resturant and throw food at the people behind them or be the type that throw tantrums in the store. i am proud to say that my children have never pulled that on me. i dont accept low grades. i know that they are capable of better so i demand better. for example, my 10yo tests at a 11th grade level yet was failing almost everything. i took away tv, video games, and computer time(unless for school) durring the week till his grades came up. i ran into his teacher and she informed me that it was like a light switched flipped with my son so he was rewarded for it.
i also expect a certin level of maturaty from them. my son, hes alot easier than my 7yo daughter with that, likes to try to concern himself with adult matters. he is wise beyond his years. sometimes its fustraiting especially when he solves adult issues that even we as his parents cant. my daughter though, ive pretty much accepted that she is who she is and there is nothing i can do about it lol. her teacher told us that while she is advanced academically, she will probably be a ditz the rest of her life. i have to admit, she can be pretty ditzy.
i try my hardest to allow my kids to be as independant as they can for their age. when my 10yo came into my life he had never been to the beach, gone swimming or rode a bike. never colored eggs for easter or even gone sledding. he was the hard one to break off. while he still doesnt wander far like most kids his age he has gotten alot better. he conqured a big one this year. he walked home from school. i was so proud of him. my daughter, well she was independant from birth. she never wanted to be held as a baby. even as a new born. she would rather be on the floor doing her own thing. it wasnt till recently that she finally started to return affection.
i include them in almost every decision. they help with everything from the grocery list to making a decision on where we move to. they have even started helping with making dinner. i tend to treat them more like tiny adults than i do children. they seem to respond better. like if i count my son out of a conversation he will look at me and be like "mom2... i am not a baby. i might be able to help" and 9xout of 10 hes right.
disapline. i have never raised a hand to my kids. i found a totally differnt aproach that seems to work really well. i scare the crap out of them. my son decided to read under his blankets with a candle. he thus lit it on fire. instead of punishing him, i made him understand exactly what could have happened. i showed him what a burned down house looked like and then showed him pictures of burn victims.(thank you google) i then explained to him how lucky he was that what he did didnt turn out worse. he hasnt done it since. instead he saved his allowance and bought himself a book light. my daughter got kicked out of the after-school program for a little while because on a dare she told some kid she was going to bring a knife and stab him. i took her to the local police station and had them throw her in a cell. explained to her that if her actions continued that this was where she was going to end up(she also had robbed me at that point too). now she chooses her actions a little more apropriatly.
i learned a long time ago with my siblings that no matter how many times they are told not to do something becasue they will get hurt sometimes you have to et them learn all on their own. i have taken this aproach with my kids since i cant wrap them in bubble wrap. "dont climb up there you will fall" ya that phrase never mattered. my daughter spends at least 4 days in the er every summer.
i have a very open relationship with my kids. they can talk to me about anything and they know it. i cringe at the idea of letting anyone, including their grandparents, take them for any period of time. i panic when they are out of my sight for too long. that and my parents feed them crap i otherwise wouldnt allow them to eat. i dont like them being around my siblings becasue i fear that their behavior will rub off on my kids. however i do stand by what i say when i tell them that i am not worried about them being kidnapped because the kidnappers would be offering us money to take them back.

 

[parentastic]

:-( i dont think i fit into any one catagory. see now im interested.

Everything you describe points toward authoritative parenting: you have a high level of expectation for your kids, and a fairly high level of control through discipline; the communication level seems good and so does the nurturing.

 

[momtoallkids]

so thats a good thing? lol that stuff confuses me lol. i may have an oddball way of parenting but it sems to work well for me. ive even broken other peoples kids bad habits. like my nephew. hes 6 now but when i met him he was 4 and had never known any type of disapline. the day i met him i put him in a time out for wacking my son with a wiffle ball bat. he learned very quickly that i wont tolerate his behavor. now he pretty much lives with us lol he spends more time here than he does at home.

 

[parentastic]

so thats a good thing?

What's "good" or "bad" parenting?
It depends on your objective as a parent

Authoritative parenting is considered in the field of child-care as the best parenting style of the four basic types: better than permissive, better than authoritarian, and of course way better than neglecting.
But of course, this label is defined with the angle of what's best developmentally for the child, based on what longitudinal studies have revealed on a number of indicator, 20 years down the road, as these children become adults.
If your objective is to raise the most compliant and obedient children, then you may find authoritarian parenting works better. If you can't stand being in conflict with your children, and see nurturance as the only very important value, then you decide permissive parenting works better for you.

As for attachment and democratic parenting, which I am advocating for, I am under the belief, from my research and my professional background, that they provide even higher chances in life for children than authoritative parenting, but at the cost of a greater parental work and stress, as they require a lot of investment and efforts. Is that "good" or "bad"? It depends on your own objectives for your family.

 

[momtoallkids]

see i think every child is different. even with my own kids. i have to take a different approach with each one. things that work for my son dont work for my daughter and neither works for my 16mo. its weird i guess. i have to change my aproach daily with them but my core stays the same.

 

[parentastic]

see i think every child is different. even with my own kids. i have to take a different approach with each one. things that work for my son dont work for my daughter and neither works for my 16mo. its weird i guess. i have to change my aproach daily with them but my core stays the same.

I think it's one of the greatest paradox of parenting.
Every child is unique, yet every child also develop the same way, goes through the same developmental stages, and live the same kind of emotional reaction to similar situations.

One example:
The same punishment may be met by one child with resistance (rebellion, defiance) and with compliance for the other child (obedience, submission).
So in appearance, we could say that punishment "works" with the second one, but does not "work" with the first one.
However, both child reacts internally the same: the punishment causes resentment, anxiety, anger and emotional distress. When they live this emotion, both of them generate cortisol and adrenaline in the brain, and both have their fight/flight survival mechanism triggered.
Yet the first one has developed a coping mechanism of rebellion as a way to preserve his identity and cope with the anger, while the second one has found a different way to cope, by using submission in order to stop the source of the stress.

So in this example, it comes down (again!) to what your objectives are?
If your objective are compliance, then that didn't "work" for child #1 but it "worked" for child #2.
If your objective is to teach something, however, then you need to investigate further to see if it "worked". Being submissive and accepting to comply because of coercion is not a proof that any teaching has taken place.

Back to your question: every child is different.
But the parenting style is more tied to your objectives, not so much to each child.... even if sometimes, you may <I>think</I> your parenting style "works" perfectly well (depending on your objective) until you try it on a different child.

 

[momtoallkids]

idk. i spend more time laughing with them or at something they did than i do on disapline. they dont screw up very offen. its more interesting here than anything. i have yet to see them rebel against me even a little bit. they can be defiant, every kid can but it doesnt usually last long and giving them a few moments to cool down and think about how they reacted and discussing how to better aproach it usually works. idk maybe my kids are just unique like that. they dont take much work but i sure could write a book on all the adventures that i have had with them

 

[singledad]

I've never tried to box and label my parenting style (I have a strong aversion to boxing and labeling anything that has to do with human behaviour, but that's a different discussion altogether).

After reading those descriptions, I would probably fall under authoritative, and leaning towards attachment parenting. There is a lot about attachment parenting that I like, especially the practice of looking for and addressing the root cause of a problem, rather than trying to suppress the symptoms. My aversion to blindly reacting to symptoms is almost as strong as my aversion to boxing and labeling

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• No CIO.</LI>
  <LI>
• I prefer natural consequences, but will be creative when natural consequences aren't appropriate and I feel there is a need to teach a lesson.</LI>
  <LI>
• I use a lot of positive reinforcement.</LI>
  <LI>
• I talk to my daughter a lot. I am often astonished by her ability to understand the reasons behind my decisions. Yes, the question get annoying at times, and sometimes downright exhausting, but many other times a simple, one-two sentence explanation is all that is needed.</LI>
  <LI>
• I don't spank (but lets not open that debate here).</LI>
  <LI>
• I don't like time-outs. I've done it in the past, but I would try almost anything else first. I have to admit, that my discomfort with time-outs probably has more to do with my own baggage than with anything being fundamentally wrong with time-out.</LI>

</LIST>
The most important things I try to give my daughter is love, security and consistency, coupled with the freedom to be herself.

I try to always listen to her and validate her feelings. I hope that I can lay the foundation now, so that she will feel comfortable talking to me as she grows older. I know I won't always be her primary confidante, but I hope that when she gets older and start facing more difficult decisions, she'd come to me for advice rather than her teenage friends. Tall order, I know, but there's no harm in trying, is there?

The most important lessons I hope to teach her before she reach adulthood, is

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• to respect herself and others.</LI>
  <LI>
• to understand the inter-play between power and responsibility.</LI>

</LIST>
To me, almost everything in life comes down to those two points. They are the basic starting point from where you can figure out almost everything else. I don't have the time right now, but I'll elaborate on this at a later stage, if anyone is interested

 

[bssage]

Warning! If this thread stays calm like this i may have to move it out of the debate section !

Nice chart pcst

 

[Incogneato]

The most important lessons I hope to teach her before she reach adulthood, is

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• to respect herself and others.</LI>
  <LI>
• to understand the inter-play between power and responsibility.</LI>

</LIST>
To me, almost everything in life comes down to those two points. They are the basic starting point from where you can figure out almost everything else. I don't have the time right now, but I'll elaborate on this at a later stage, if anyone is interested

With great power comes great responsibility...

Who said reading comics never taught me anything?!

 

[alter ego]

I am 100% attachment.
(though for the first time in 13 years we are about to have our bed to ourselves for a few months, as our toddlers are moving to their own room)

 

[mom/gram/prof]

Hi, I think these categories originally came from Diane Baumrind, and she called "indulgent" parenting "permissive". Indulgent sounds like a little too much but as Permissive parenting I think Attachment parenting would fit there.

 

[parentastic]

Hi, I think these categories originally came from Diane Baumrind, and she called "indulgent" parenting "permissive". Indulgent sounds like a little too much but as Permissive parenting I think Attachment parenting would fit there.

The original categories were coined, indeed, by Diana Baumrind.
However, attachment parenting does not fit in her definition of permissive parenting (although this is a common mistake, unfortunately, which contributes to give a bad name to attachment parenting).

Baumerind defined permissive as high nurturance, but with low control, low expectations and low communication.
Attachment parenting has high communication and high expectations; control is changed for self-control and is maintained through communication and high expectations.

It's really totally different.