Planning for child with molestor in family...
- Thread starter Maria
- Start date
Honey, I can honestly say that I know where you are coming from and how you feel. My husband has two uncles in the family who are currently sitting in jail for molestation and rape charges to children who were in the family. I don't care how much you can claim someone is "changed". Molesting children is a result of being attracted to children sexually. A tiger does not change its stripes. The only thing that could have happened is he was taught to suppress the urge to do anything sexual to a child. But everyone knows even the strongest of structures crumble over time. Its just a matter of how long it will take. So I am completely with you on this. That man has no right to be around your children. You are the mother. Trust your instincts. You'll be surprised in the end how much your instincts can guide you in the right direction. And my husband, sister-in-law and mother-in-law have all had bad pasts with molestation and child rape. Its not a pretty picture, and believe me. If those two uncles-in-law ever were released from jail, they would be going nowhere near my daughter at any period of time.
As for your husband, he needs to understand that you don't simply get "saved" from something that can be considered a mental illness. People try to claim they were gay and were saved all the time. There is no such thing. They just learn to suppress the desire. But stay strong, honey. Your husband needs to learn this stuff on his own, if anything just talk to him. And if anything, never leave your child's side if his uncle happens to stop by or if you happen to pay a visit.
As for your husband, he needs to understand that you don't simply get "saved" from something that can be considered a mental illness. People try to claim they were gay and were saved all the time. There is no such thing. They just learn to suppress the desire. But stay strong, honey. Your husband needs to learn this stuff on his own, if anything just talk to him. And if anything, never leave your child's side if his uncle happens to stop by or if you happen to pay a visit.
That is excellent news. It will be 100% easier if you have your husband on your side.Maria said:I finally got my husband to talk with me some more about it, and we are both in agreement not to leave our child alone over there period. He understood a lot better where I was coming from when I compared the uncle to a recovering alcoholic. I am so relieved! Thanks everyone for your support.
I just had to emphasize what DruidMom said here. Its not just about letting her stay there alone - he only needs two minutes alone in the kitchen to grope her. Sorry, I know this is not making it any easier, but you HAVE to keep this in mind.DruidMom said:
Maria,
If the family believes that Jesus saved him from his actions/behaviors then a good thing to do is pray that it continues. You don't have to trust him to pray for him.
Or pray for yourself to have peace with the situation. Which has already started with your husband agreeing with you. However, the rest of the family will resist your choice and that will be a new struggle.
When I say pray for peace people may think I mean that you just let things be and happen as they will but I don't. I mean that God give you strength and confidence in your choice to protect your children as you see fit thru that you can find peace.
If the family believes that Jesus saved him from his actions/behaviors then a good thing to do is pray that it continues. You don't have to trust him to pray for him.
Or pray for yourself to have peace with the situation. Which has already started with your husband agreeing with you. However, the rest of the family will resist your choice and that will be a new struggle.
When I say pray for peace people may think I mean that you just let things be and happen as they will but I don't. I mean that God give you strength and confidence in your choice to protect your children as you see fit thru that you can find peace.
When it comes to your kids, it's usually best to err on the side of caution. If you're in a situation where there's anyone questionable, simply keep a close eye on your kid. Never leave them alone with the suspected pedophile. YOu don't have to trust them and if anyone has a problem with it, let it be their problem.
I agree with everyone here although I would add that you can handle it tactfully and for the sake of harmony should. Rather than making an announcement to the family and having to justify yourself, just dont put your child in a situation where they are unsupervised with this man. Go to all the family events with or without the uncle and keep a discreet eye on things. If he offers to baby sit just politely thank him and decline. If another family member does the same make the judgement based on whether you think they will watch the kid themself the whole time or palm the kid off to the uncle. If you feel you can trust that person go ahead if not make the same polite excuse.
Remember that christian forgiveness is not blind. You can forgive someone and even love them but not trust them. I have a friend who is a recovering drug addict and a functioning alcoholic. She is always welcome in my home and i love seeing her but she offered to watch my adolescent niece and her friends who i had agreed to allow to come over and hang out when I had to go away for work one weekend. I politely declined and said my brother had already agreed to do it. This was because there was a slight risk that she would either not be sober enough to drive in an emergency or worse she would let the kids party. But this was not what I told her.
What is more key to me is getting your partner on the same page.
Parents always disagree about some aspects of parenting but this is a pretty important battle to fight. I would argue to the husband that religion may well have changed this man and that this is your hope, but that even good christians can give into temptation and slip and the risk is too great. Most people are safe drivers but that does not mean that they dont put a seatbelt on. This is no different. Get the husband onside and tread carefully with the rest of the family.
Remember that christian forgiveness is not blind. You can forgive someone and even love them but not trust them. I have a friend who is a recovering drug addict and a functioning alcoholic. She is always welcome in my home and i love seeing her but she offered to watch my adolescent niece and her friends who i had agreed to allow to come over and hang out when I had to go away for work one weekend. I politely declined and said my brother had already agreed to do it. This was because there was a slight risk that she would either not be sober enough to drive in an emergency or worse she would let the kids party. But this was not what I told her.
What is more key to me is getting your partner on the same page.
Parents always disagree about some aspects of parenting but this is a pretty important battle to fight. I would argue to the husband that religion may well have changed this man and that this is your hope, but that even good christians can give into temptation and slip and the risk is too great. Most people are safe drivers but that does not mean that they dont put a seatbelt on. This is no different. Get the husband onside and tread carefully with the rest of the family.
wow this is a crazy Adams family story...
1. either pretend the baby is very homely and they can babysit in ur house only....or
2. act like a crazy clingy mum who has no intention of leaving there kid with anyone...
for get there fake feeling you no whats real...no age is ok and for get there feelings think of ur kid...them poor other child must be on the way to being groomed or perverted ova... god forgive there parents
1. either pretend the baby is very homely and they can babysit in ur house only....or
2. act like a crazy clingy mum who has no intention of leaving there kid with anyone...
for get there fake feeling you no whats real...no age is ok and for get there feelings think of ur kid...them poor other child must be on the way to being groomed or perverted ova... god forgive there parents
Maria, your concerns are extremly legitimate. Unfortunately there are two thing you must do BEFORE conceiving a child.1. move to a new location to reduce the probability of contact.....2.NEVER leave your child alone with this man. CHanged by GOD, really. So are thousands of convicts, you want to let your kid hang out with them?
How many who hold the cloth have been accused and convicted of child molestation. I don't care what price he has paid or what he has done to change his life, no child should ever be left with him alone, period.
I feel for you Maria especially with the all too common past you have had. I also see that you really love your husband. Please don't give in to this potential disaster. Of course it may never happen, but who in theor right mind wants to take a chance with something so precious?
How many who hold the cloth have been accused and convicted of child molestation. I don't care what price he has paid or what he has done to change his life, no child should ever be left with him alone, period.
I feel for you Maria especially with the all too common past you have had. I also see that you really love your husband. Please don't give in to this potential disaster. Of course it may never happen, but who in theor right mind wants to take a chance with something so precious?
my dad was molesting my kid sister for years, he gets no where near my kids, at any time i will not let my wife have my children anywhere near him, to me these monsters never change, do not believe the god thing and "jesus" have saved him, these people are cunning and the worst kind of filth. kep your children well well away forever !! good luck
Sometimes a persons faith in god or gods power to heal one's disability or forgive their sin, can really be a troublesome cloud of ignorance. i do not believe that god can heal this uncles mental disability. In retrospect i believe his move to become a figure in the church was to some extent a show, and just to distance himself from the problem rather than fixing it, and it increases the likeliness that relapse will happen.