plural marriages what do you think...

[NancyM]

I've been watching the show Sister Wives and now Oprah has the family on her show. I think it's really interesting how they manage their lives. Wondering what the rest of you think about polygamy.

One thing I don't agree with though is that they should be arrested or that the law should punish them. There is only one legally married couple in the crowd the other woman are not bound by a legal contract.
If a man has one legal wife and two girlfriends and all of them consent about sharing the husband ,How does this break the law?

Any thoughts?

 

[Xero]

I guess it depends on your lifestyle. I for one would not be interested in sharing my husband for any reason. If my husband ever asked me if we could have an open relationship of any kind, I would tell him he could sleep with whatever girl he wants, because he'd be single.

But if it makes those people happy, I don't really care. Not to my tastes though. I'm a jealous girl. And a germ freak. But I wont elaborate on why that applies.

 

[Sweetserenity]

I'm wondering why he, or any other man, feels they need more than one wife. To me it diminishes the women by insinuating that not one of them is enough for him. But to each their own, I dont think it should be illegal either, it's their lives. As long as they arent harming anyone.

 

[Jeremy+3]

But isn't that like saying one child isn't enough?

Here there is someone called Lord Bath (alexandra thynn), he has a wife and a number of 'wifelets' and some of the rooms in the stately home are decorated with the karma sutra. Along his stair case there are 71 portraits of some of his wifelets, his stately home is also a wildlife reserve which is a little odd, but it means you get to see quite a bit of his home.

 

[sbattisti]

I haven't seen this show. While I don't know any polygamists, I have several friends who are polyamorous. From what you say, that's what this couple sounds like.

Polyamory is actually nearly the OPPOSITE of saying "one woman isn't enough for me." It's more about love NOT being about "possession." Polyamory basically says that "love doesn't need to be restricted to one partner, and jealousy is a base emotion." Which, when you think about it, is a pretty nice concept. And certainly it doesn't diminish anyone.

Conceptually, I love the idea of polyamory. I'm not certain it's the lifestyle for me, personally, but I don't see anything "wrong" with it, as long as all of the parties are on the same page. That's the key, though.

 

[mom2many]

It is a concept I just don't understand, my husband is just that...mine! I can not share and I will not share....although I don't think I would mind a wife .

However, I don't see where any laws are being broken. He legally only has one wife with the other "wives" only binding themselves to him with a spiritual vow. I think a lot of the stigma comes from not understanding and the fact that a lot of plural marriages are based around the Mormon fundamentalist, and that what happens in a lot of cases is that the sister wives will get government aid, so basically the state supports the families. If a man can afford fifteen woman in his life, all the more power to him.

 

[singledad]

I think it would depend on how you approach it. I think it is very wrong for a man to marry a woman with the pretext that it will be a monogamous marriage, and then one day bringing home another wife without consulting her. I don't see how that is different from cheating, except that the man actually expects the woman to accept it and carry on.

I remember once having a very interesting conversation with a Muslim girl I worked with. She explained to me that her religion allows her husband to take more wives, but as his first wife she needs to give her permission before he can marry again. She also needs to approve of the second wife (and any other consecutive wives) and will have authority of any additional wives. If that how you approach it, I don't see that it diminishes the women. I don't really understand why a woman would give her husband permission to take a second wife, but if it doesn't bother them, I'd say let them do it.

For the record - polygamy is legal in SA. Because our constitution grants you the right to freedom of religion, as well as the right to practice your culture, forbidding polygamy would be unconstitutional.

 

[chikygrl13]

what goes on between consenting ADULTS is between them and really should have no bearing on the state, unless SOMEONE is getting hurt!

My 2 big issues with polygamy are the fact that that in many cultures (particularly here in the US) you hear stories of 14 year old girls being forced to marry much older men.
the second issue is that (again in the US) I've read that many 2nd or 3rd (or 4th or 5th) wives will collect welfare. According to the state they are "single mothers" and need government assistance to feed thier children.

If the welfare system isn't being abused, and all parties involved are mature enough to deal with it (granted I don't think most 18- 21 year olds are mature enough to deal with traditional marriage)
Than what goes on in peoples bedrooms is between them and God. Who am I to judge. (yes, I have the same opinion on gay marriage, if it's not hurting anybody why shouldn't they be able to do it?)

on a personal level I am far too insecure and jealous to handle a relationship like that.

I haven't seen Sister Wives, but I LOVE Big Love!! (same issue, great show!)

 

[NancyM]

I agree that people should be allowed to live their lives the way it best suites them as long as no one is being forced especially the children.

It's so interesting to me how each member of this family -including the children are completely happy! Oprah interviewed the older children, and they answered very honestly about the pros and cons of their life style.
None of them are embarrassed and their friends and neighbors all know about their lifestyle.

Each child said they are always taken cared of, they never had to come home to an empty house after school, or prepare food for a younger child like some of their friends do. One girl (I think she was 15) said she would have been an only child if her dad hadn't taken 2 other wives. Now she has 15 siblings and she loves it!

The boy was 16 and said he's not even thinking of getting married now, so he can't answer weather or not he would have a plural marriage. Each child said they see their father often, and love him very much.

The way it works with them is the husband isn't the one who decides weather or not to take a new wife. All the wives (and on the show Big Love) the kids decide together. In this case the husband is NOT allowed to have sex with the woman before they marry -they consider that adultery- and as a matter of fact if you watch the show sister wives, the woman were angry at him because he kissed the new wife to be. I guess he wasn't suppose to do that either.

In this family everyone has a job, that's how they are supported, except one wife who enjoys staying home with the kids ,so she's the home mom, and the "real" wife just lost her job because they went public. But she plans to get another job.

They say it's not about sex and sharing wives , and they never have sex all together as a group, but it's about love and reproducing humans.

Only thing I didn't understand (even on the show Big LOve) is that they do worry about being arrested. Even Oprah said that this may happen to them. I know adultery is illegal, but I've also heard of open marriages where both spouses take other partners. I'm just not understanding this.

The show Sister Wives is on Sunday night at 10 (EST)on the TLC Channel if anyone is interested.

 

[IADad]

I'm a bit conflicted on the topic. I truly believe we have the capacity to love more than one person in our lives. But part of the puzzle is the difference between love and committment. I don't know that there's anything that says we can't be committed to more than one person, as long as all the people chare that committment.

I, too, am concerned about the seedy side of what has happened in polygamy as it has been practiced by some (the domestic abuse, child abuse, and welfare fraud). but part of that is certainlyf fueled by the fact that the laws have driven the practice underground. If you had an openly polygamous triple living next door, you'd know a little somethin about who they were and what they did.

the part about "it's about love and reproductng humans" seems a little misguided? Do we really need that many more humans? and is there a subtle racial subtext to that? (i.e. we want more humans who are "like us.")

 

[Hazel Carolina]

i am neither for nor against it. i know it happens and if you want to share your husband with another woman then i say more power to ya but it isn't for me. i couldn't share my husband with anyone seeing him with someone else would be too much and he would be back to one wife very quickly.

 

[NancyM]

I am conflicted as well. In my world there is only one person you can love and commit your self to at a time, (I don't even say if it has to be a whole life time, but if you have a significant other it should be just one at a time.)

I personally feel that the person who benefits most from this polygyny arraignment is the man. IMO, it's just another way to screw a bunch of woman and look good doing it. It's not something I would welcome in my life.

Again, I believe in freedom of choice though, and would defend their right to live the way they choose.

 

[IADad]

I am conflicted as well. In my world there is only one person you can love and commit your self to at a time, (I don't even say if it has to be a whole life time, but if you have a significant other it should be just one at a time.)

but havne't you ever loved some you're not committed to? I mean I can truly say I truly, deeply love 3 women and am committed to one. I'm not saying everyone does or should, but I think we have the capacity to love more than one. Commitment is a different matter. In order to commit to more than one, you'd need mutal commitment between all of the parties.

I personally feel that the person who benefits most from this polygyny arraignment is the man. IMO, it's just another way to screw a bunch of woman and look good doing it. It's not something I would welcome in my life.

hmmm, interesting, (and just a little mod reminder to keep things PG rated here) I thnk that's perhaps because the only examples we have are "families" with one male and multiple women...surely some relationships mus exist with one woman and multiple men, or multiple men and women...if course why would a woman want to be in a relationship with more than one man, unless she's really into frustration and enjoys being upset a lot...

 

[Xero]

I don't know honestly IADad, that stuff probably exists (one woman, more than one men etc) but I don't think its very common. Polygamy is almost exclusively based around one man with mulitple wives, and it has been for hundreds of years and in every culture that practices it. If you were to talk to anyone that believes in polygamy due to their culture/religion, they would laugh outright at the idea of it being reversed (a woman taking many husbands as opposed to a man taking many wives). Honestly, its very true that polygamy is based around pleasing a man and it always has been since it has existed. I have read a TON of books (I am a very heavy reader) about the history of things such as this. A long time ago it was not uncommon at all for men in certain cultures to take multiple wives. He would always have his favorite wife, which I kind of find romantic in a way. Still, I think its kind of a demeaning concept all together so I could never accept it as my own lifestyle. Anyway, one of the main purposes for taking on extra wives was so that the man didn't get "bored" with his original wife, and that kinda just makes me roll my eyes haha. Really though, I think there are probably some very nice benefits for women in consentual polygamous relationships, but it is absolutely focused on the benefits for the man for sure. It has been this way for hundreds of years.

And no, I definitely don't need any more than one man LOL!!!

I DO think people are capable of loving more than one person, but I also think that if you allow yourself to love anyone other than your spouse it will always cause conflict somehow or another. Whether that be between your wife and yourself, between the other person and yourself, you and your conscience, or just you and your heart, I have never found loving more than one person to be a peaceful thing for anyone (who doesn't practice polygamy lol). Which to me means there must be something wrong with it.

And no, you absolutely cannot FULLY commit to more than one person IMO.

 

[NancyM]

but havne't you ever loved some you're not committed to? I mean I can truly say I truly, deeply love 3 women and am committed to one. I'm not saying everyone does or should, but I think we have the capacity to love more than one. Commitment is a different matter. In order to commit to more than one, you'd need mutal commitment between all of the parties.

I believe love comes in degrees so to speak, as does all emotions. Just to clarify, I'm talking about choosing a life partner, not loving a family member in which case we can love many.

But as for truly loving someone unconditionally, and totally committing my life to being with him, I have to say No, I have never felt that way with more than one person at the same time. When I was younger I thought I loved each boyfriend,and there were times when I was flipping back and forth between two or three boys thinking I felt love for each one, but than my husband came along, and "POOF" that conflict ended.,

It's fine to love more than one person, anything is possible I'm no expert. but I think the degree of love would be different. I think there has to be something connecting you to the one woman, that causes you to both love AND commit to her where as you love but don't commit to the others.
Just MO

hmmm, interesting, (and just a little mod reminder to keep things PG rated here) I thnk that's perhaps because the only examples we have are "families" with one male and multiple women...surely some relationships mus exist with one woman and multiple men, or multiple men and women...if course why would a woman want to be in a relationship with more than one man, unless she's really into frustration and enjoys being upset a lot...

I really believe that if we didn't live in a civilized society men would rule the world, and woman would still be subordinate. I strongly doubt men would insist that woman be treated equally, or vote for a woman to rule anything.

I have read about Polyandry, where a woman has many husbands, and somehow, somewhere in the story it becomes apparent that this is not the woman's idea. It turns out one way or the other that the situation is beneficial to the men involved, and not because the woman demands many husbands or decides she wants to be a ruler. But because it's her culture and she is just told to do so, or she has been picked to marry ALL the brothers in a family. I can't quote from any direct writings right now but this is what I remember about it.

As for today's polygmay relation ships, I'm not sure what they get from it All the woman on this show said they loved the companionship they get from having sisters. They really didn't say to much about what they felt about the man. lol

 

[superman]

who cares if the ladies know whats going on and are consenting i see no harm done. some like variety some dont

 

[NancyM]

Hey Super...

Someday your bound to have a daughter ( instead of another son) and hopefully your feelings will change. Is there any woman you do have deep feelings for? If you do, you would understand.

Excuse me, but your barbaric nature is exactly what I mean when I say men don't really care much about how woman feel.

Thank you Conan

 

[superman]

isnt what i said basically what u stated in ur opening post? at one point u did have that view point so im not sure why your calling me barbaric. what about what i said is barbaric? that some ppl like variety? well its true...the thing i dont get about ppl nowadays is the need to cover up human nature. ask any guy and any guy is gonna say that if they had it there way and it was accepted theyd be with more then one lady. & whats wrong with being with more then one person as long as ur not lyin to them.

i dont get the big deal and ur makin it seem like i dont respect women or whatever just b/c im not commiting myself to one girl.. i dont get what kind of a person u think i am.

 

[NancyM]

who cares if the ladies know whats going on and are consenting

I'm talking about this statement you made. What do you mean by this?

 

[superman]

i meant as long as there not being lied to..if everything out in the open and they consent to being in that type f a relationship theres nothing wrong with that