Possible abuse?...

[TammyZed]

I really, <I>really</I> don't like my son's boyfriend, and I think I'm figuring out why.

Some background: Morgan has been seeing this guy called Heshi on and off for a little over a year. He confessed to being sexually active when I asked him about it, but assured me he's been using protection. I have never liked Heshi, but until recently it's been just a gut feeling based on seeing them interact.

When they're together, Heshi seems to always be holding onto Morgan. He uses a lot of possessive pronouns (ie. "my Morgan"), and will often override Morgan's decisions, right down to small details. For example, if Morgan goes shopping and Heshi doesn't like, say, a shirt, Morgan will return the purchase. This bothers me quite a lot, especially because Morgan is usually a very independent person.

Still, I was giving Heshi the benefit of doubt. Morgan seems pretty infatuated with him, and he's still stubborn when it comes to <I>me</I>, so I know that whatever I say is going to fall on deaf ears.

Then, earlier today, I had to ask Morgan a question, so I knocked on his bedroom door. He opened it for me while he still didn't have a shirt on, and then threw a sweater on quickly, but I saw what I <I>think</I> he was trying to hide. He had bruises on his arm and his back. They definitely don't look like the sort of bruises that you get accidentally.

So now I'm freaking out. I have NO clue how to bring this up with Morgan without him getting defensive, but I can't say nothing. I'm almost positive that it's from Heshi, and it kills me that my son would put up with any kind of abuse. I have no clue where to start with this.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

 

[TammyZed]

I'm even more worried now than before.

It was just Morgan and me for dinner today, and I got a chance to see the bruises on his arm better. He only agreed to show me them because I pointed out the bottom part of the bruise under his sleeve, and he pulled it up so that I could see the rest of it. There's a big, oval bruise close to his shoulder, and then what appears to be a very dark grip mark? It looks like he was grabbed by the arm and yanked very forcefully. I asked him how he got it and he told me that it was from his best friend while they were horsing around, but his best friend is barely five feet tall, and I don't even think she has the strength required to leave a mark like that. That's a half-assed excuse if I ever heard one. I wanted to ask about the bruises on his back, but he shut down the conversation and asked to be excused. I let him go, and he's been really quiet ever since.

I don't want to push him too hard. Morgan tends to regard a lot of parental concern as an invasion of privacy, and I think that having a major meltdown over me asking about the bruises in the first place isn't going to help in figuring out how and why they're there.

Are there any subtle questions I should be asking him? He's throwing up roadblocks every time we get even close to the subject now, and I'm worried that something is Very Wrong.

I've thought about talking to his friends, or going through his web history, but invading his privacy seems like the last thing I should be doing. I want him to trust me enough to be honest and tell me what's going on.

I'm just lost and not sure how to deal with this. My hubby suggests I might be projecting my own dislike for Heshi onto this, and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing because I'd like to see them break up. It's possible, but somehow I don't think so...

At least typing this out has calmed me down somewhat.

 

[fallon]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this...I can say the excuse he gave you saounds a lot like what I would tell my mom about the marks my ex left on my...only I usually blames them on the baby or something like that. I would keep on eye onthis and try to be open to anything he wants to tell you. I wish I had more advice for you

 

[musicmom]

You and I parent different. In my house there are no privacy's. There would be no shutting down conversation. There would be no excusing him from the table. It would be I want to know and I want to know NOW. So I don't think I have any suggestions you'd like to hear. Since your son doesn't want to tell you anything and you are allowing him to keep quiet then there isn't much you can do.
Give him information on abuse.
Also if your son is sexually active it may not be from horseplay but rough sex. Just a thought. Good luck and I hope you communicate somehow.

 

[jrrsmom]

I think you need to get to the bottom of it NOW. If I ever thought my child was being abused by anyone I would be doing whatever I could to get it out of them. Especially if that meant forbidding them to see each other until you are satisfied with an answer. Talk to him. Don't talk down to him and don't talk to him like he's 5. You need to get him to tell you.

Imagine the amount of psychological problems this could cause if it goes on any longer; if it hasn't already created some. He is still your child.

 

[AnKsMommy]

I agree, even if you want to respect your son's privacy there comes a point where you have to jump in. If you think there is some abuse going on then that's the time. He's still a minor, right? So hes still got to follow by your rules.

It'll be a hard talk, but you'll have to sit him down and talk to him about it. I would suggest sooner rather than later, because if he's getting abused you never know how far his boyfriend will take it.

 

[KRan7]

There are some different views on the privacy of teenagers in the home. Some parents refuse to look at their kids text messages or IM's and emails. You can decide for yourself, but there are some great programs out there that allow you to view what your teen is putting on social websites and all their email and IM. One of those is called spectorsoft. This would give you some information, and I say it's fair to let your teen know that you are going to put that software on your computer--it keeps you from lying about where you got information.
The bigger problem though is that he isn't feeling comfortable talking with you right now. There are a couple things that might be useful. One is to "slip" him some information on domestic violence. With a teen you can't really say, here is a book, read it and come and discuss it, leave info around and let him gravitate to it.
If you are sure that is what is going on you could try and get him to do some volunteering with domestic violence groups so he gets more information.
I think you will do better getting information from him if you take a one down approach, let him know you are worried, but then tell him to come and talk if he needs some help dealing with the situation. Generally, they will appreciate this invitation and the choice to bring it up.
Good luck!
Last, I would say to be careful of the assumption that it is domestic violence or abuse from the other boy, it could be that he is getting hurt by people who don't agree with homosexuality.

 

[aliinnc]

From what I've read, abuse doesn't get better, only worse. So you really need to intervene. Can you contact an abuse hotline for some tips? Or a gay support hotline?

Ali

 

[KRan7]

I would agree that you get information from some experts on abuse, they may give you some tips, and your son may be open to talk to them himself.

As a cautionary note, this is a very emotional issue and responding out of pure emotion (fear, anger, etc) usually doesn't bring the best results. It sounds like your husband is a little less emotional and it makes sense to talk with him and come to a balanced decision on what to do.

 

[Amber]

Last, I would say to be careful of the assumption that it is domestic violence or abuse from the other boy, it could be that he is getting hurt by people who don't agree with homosexuality.

Good point.

 

[TammyZed]

Last, I would say to be careful of the assumption that it is domestic violence or abuse from the other boy, it could be that he is getting hurt by people who don't agree with homosexuality.

Morgan had an issue with that when he first came out, but he handled that very differently. He fought back, spoke up, and made very sure it wouldn't happen again. It's not like him to put up with crap from other people at all, which is why this whole thing has blindsided me.

He wants to go shopping today, and I'm hoping that the time with just the two of us will give an opportunity to talk about this. The beauty of having a serious discussion in the car is that Morgan can't leave unless he wants to become roadkill, so avoidance won't work.

Thanks everybody for your advice and support. I'm going to try to get Morgan to talk to me, and in the meantime severely limit the time he gets with Heshi (not allowed to be in his room, have to stay either on the main floor with me, or downstairs with the door open, and absolutely no going to Heshi's place).

 

[musicmom]

Taking control! Great job!!

 

[TammyZed]

Thank you all again for the support and the advice, and the well-meaning kicks to the rear-end!

Well, after spending $300+ on him and watching Juno (it's good), Morgan seemed ready to talk. It's always terrifying/relieving when your kid cries. On one hand, that's your baby crying, and on the other, that's your baby about to open up to you.

I made a pot of tea and had a very long conversation. I asked a few questions, but mostly Morgan just talked. Once he got started, it was a lot easier for him to keep going.

I was right. It is Heshi.

Morgan had plenty of excuses and justifications, but as far as I'm concerned, there is absolutely NO way to justify or excuse what he's doing. I'm livid. Morgan seems to think that he's somehow brought this on himself.

I haven't set anything in stone yet, except that Heshi is no longer allowed on my property, and Morgan certainly isn't allowed anywhere near Heshi. I told Morgan we'd talk more tomorrow because he sort of hit a point where he'd gotten everything out that he'd been keeping in, and he seemed really drained. For now, sleep seems like the best thing for him, and then we'll work out what to do.

Which means I actually have to figure out what to do. Morgan already sees a therapist for his OCD, but her main focus is on behavioral therapy, not so much his personal life. Talking to her is an option for him, but Morgan doesn't like talking to her about what he ate for breakfast in the morning, let alone being hit by his boyfriend. I'm ill-equipped; I've never been in an abusive relationship myself, and only have a vague understanding of the psychology behind it.

Sigh. Where to next? Has anybody dealt with this (either with their children, or personally)? What helped you?

 

[aliinnc]

Good for you for talking about it.

This illustrates that as parents we need to listen to that inner voice that tells us something isn't right. And to teach our children to listen to it.

There is a great book, <U>Protecting the Gift</U>, about personal safety and keeping kids safe. I'd highly recommend it.

The author interviewed tons of victims of violent crimes. The vast majority of them had a bad feeling before they were attacked.

The moral is to listen to that inner voice!

 

[Skyburning]

Sigh. Where to next? Has anybody dealt with this (either with their children, or personally)? What helped you?

*hugs* My ex abused me and I still have issues dealing with it, and he's dead now. I always came up with a reason why it was my fault. I did finally leave him but I remained friends with him and to this day when I think about it I have to convince myself I didn't deserve it. So, I don't know what to tell you to do to make it better, because I haven't figured it out yet, but I do know what you're going through.

My only advice is to give Morgan a big hug, tell him you love him and you only want to protect him.. not control him, and just let him talk as much as he wants to.