Problem with son - Need some Advice Please...

[Tallstuff]

Hi everyone, Happy New Year!
New here and looking forward to getting to know you all.
Have been experiencing huge problems with my 9 year old son. I think he may have ADHD. He seems to have a problem reading social cues and is very rude with adults. For example a friend asked DS over the phone the other day if he wanted his best friend to come over and play and his reply was "that's a stupid question". Ok, so he was trying to be sarcastic, but that's just not what you say to an adult . There have been many similar incidents lately and my alarm bells are starting to go off. I am even thinking that perhaps I am doing something wrong and it's my fault. He is very hyper and cannot sit still for a second, although he has no problem sleeping at night. He is very insensitive with other kids and says hurtful things to them. Like "Are you are stupid" etc. He is very "self righteous" and arrogant in may situations. I have explained to him that these are not nice things to say etc., tried taking away privileges etc. but nothing seems to work.
Anyhow, it has got to the stage that we want to take DS to a child psychologist and my question is, for anyone who has been in a similar position, how do your prepare your child for this? What do say to them? I don't want to give DS the impression that there is anything wrong with him, know what I mean?
Any advice you can give would be very much appreciated.
Many thanks from a very worried and stressed Mum.

 

[eric@sealguide]

Tallstuff,

I think it's important that you have recognized something going on that you can't handle on your own. Wether it turns out to be ADHD or something simple it's important you know when it's time to get help. I think you are setting a great example to your son by letting him know it's okay to get help when we need it. We live in a wonderful time where there is this type of help available.

I also think it's great that you are concerned with his reaction. Again if this is something you feel uneasy about you should seek help. I had a situation where I was going to bring my daughter to a family counselor to discuss some mixed family relationship issues she was having with her step sister. I had the same concern you had. How will she feel? I was able to call the counselor and get guidance on the matter. I felt much better knowing I was doing everything to the best of my ability. Call the psychologist and get his or her opinion on the matter. I bet that it will not be the first time they have heard that concern. If you can't get a phone call in maybe go on the first appointment by your self and get prepared.

I wish you all the best.

Eric

 

[wildrose]

While can't give you advice on how to prepare your son, I would like to suggest you do a lot of research. I've heard a lot of stories about children being misdiagnosed with ADHD and medicated when they should be. Do not just trust a doctor to know what is best. And when you are researching, do not forget the alternative health sites. I've spoken to several parents whose doctors wanted to medicate their children, and after seeing a nutritionist, it turned out the children had allergies to common foods like wheat, or were extra senstive to sugar.

Good luck.

 

[Tallstuff]

Hi everyone, Happy New Year!
New here and looking forward to getting to know you all.
Have been experiencing huge problems with my 9 year old son. I think he may have ADHD. He seems to have a problem reading social cues and is very rude with adults. For example a friend asked DS over the phone the other day if he wanted his best friend to come over and play and his reply was "that's a stupid question". Ok, so he was trying to be sarcastic, but that's just not what you say to an adult . There have been many similar incidents lately and my alarm bells are starting to go off. I am even thinking that perhaps I am doing something wrong and it's my fault. He is very hyper and cannot sit still for a second, although he has no problem sleeping at night. He is very insensitive with other kids and says hurtful things to them. Like "Are you are stupid" etc. He is very "self righteous" and arrogant in may situations. I have explained to him that these are not nice things to say etc., tried taking away privileges etc. but nothing seems to work.
Anyhow, it has got to the stage that we want to take DS to a child psychologist and my question is, for anyone who has been in a similar position, how do your prepare your child for this? What do say to them? I don't want to give DS the impression that there is anything wrong with him, know what I mean?
Any advice you can give would be very much appreciated.
Many thanks from a very worried and stressed Mum.

 

[musicmom]

How hold is he? He sounds like a normal child to me. Have you thought about bringing him up in a church to have a community help build character and respect in him? I would also recommend Karate or a place he's held accountable for his actions. At his age you really need to start building a conscience in the little man.
There are several things you can do for punishment, you just have to keep trying until something works. I can't stress enough to NOT label your child and let him hear it. Give him room to grow into the person you know he can be. Praise, praise, praise him for every kind thing he does or says. Good luck.
It takes a community to raise a child. Don't give up

 

[aliinnc]

I have a twelve year old son, and I have to say that insulting each other is the way they speak to each other. I would just suggest that you observe him with his friends and see how they react. If he is taking it too far, you should be able to tell by his friends' reactions.

As far as his reaction to seeing a counselor: both my kids know lots of kids who are on meds for ADD, ADHD, OCD, etc. They all know it and talk about it openly. At our schools there is no negative connotation to it. So maybe you can be honest with him. Ask him if he is having trouble concentrating at school. Then tell him that you want to take him to a doctor who will help to figure out why he is having trouble concentrating.

Just my 0.02. Good luck.

 

[Kohnwood]

I have a son that is ADHD and has Asberger's. The Asberger's makes him say things like your son did. ADHD can too as could other things. Like previous people have said it is good you recognize there might be an issue and taking him to a Doctor is indeed a good thing. Good luck!

 

[Illumination]

I think that talking to a psychologist is a good idea, but as far as I know, ADHD has less to do with saying things along the lines of the things your son has said than an attention/hyperactivity problem. Then again, I am certainly no expert! I could be quite wrong.

 

[Kohnwood]

I think that talking to a psychologist is a good idea, but as far as I know, ADHD has less to do with saying things along the lines of the things your son has said than an attention/hyperactivity problem. Then again, I am certainly no expert! I could be quite wrong.

I have noticed that with my son and nephew (both diagnosed with ADHD) have difficulty with impulse control. therefore they often say or do things without thinking.

Consider how many times in our lives that somehow has said something and in your head you are thinking "what a jerk, or what an idiot". We can keep that thought in our head, but they can't.

Just my thoughts.

 

[SpitNCobra13]

DON'T let anyone put your kid on pills for ADHD before you do very thorough research on the matter. The pills are drugs, and they have a lot of side affects, and they really affect your mind! ADHD is way overdiagnosed, and I sometimes doubt that it even exists!

 

[dzdilar]

I definitely agree with spitncobra, you shouldn't put your kid on pills just like that, even if ADHD is diagnosed by one expert, you can and should always consult with other doctors and experts. Lot of things can be dealt and solved "naturally"..

 

[singlemom]

I too have a 9 year old son. Everything you said can be my son at times. We both have been seeing a counselor for 3 years now- and he enjoys going. He has built a relationship with another adult that will listen to him when he makes mistakes. He now is able to admit things he says are not nice or hurt someone elses feelings-it doesn't mean that he may not think someone is "stupid," "smells" or is "wierd." My son will still say things that I don't like or that may be inappropriate at times-but I still correct him everytime and ask him how he'd feel if the tables were turned or better yet, if someone were to treat me like that. Those feelings are exactly what someone else may feel when is offends them. When he gets mouthy with me I have to send him to his room b/c we will just go back & forth. I try to talk about these things with him when we are spending some special time together. He usually is pretty open to communication at that time. Just know you are not alone & communicating is one of the best skills you can give to your kids. GOOD LUCK!!

 

[Tallstuff]

Hi everyone!
Have been away from the board for some time due to work committments / problems.
I just wanted to thank you all for your response to my post which I sent back in January. To bring you up to date...
Things have improved immensely and I have had several meetings with the child psycologist at my son's school. She doens't see that he has any behavioural problem, but that he is simply highly spirited and strong willed. She also mentioned that he is very intelligent / gifted which affects the way he responds to certain things.
Turns out that his behaviour was mostly down to my not understanding his needs and not reacting to his negative behaviour in a more constructive way. With her guidance I have started applying more "positive parenting" tactics, such as; instead of punishment, focusing more on positive behaviour and rewards for good behaviour. I've learnt that it's so easy to make demands on children but so important the way in which I ask DS to do something. This can be as simple as saying "would you please make your bed" instead of "go and make your bed now". Once you get into the 'negative" circle, I think its difficult to realise that you are missing out the praise as well. Children naturally want to please their parents and most of the time resist because they need something they are not getting emotionally. Understanding, acknowleging that they have been heard, but getting the message across that its ok to resist but parents are still the boss! I am currently reading a very good book titled "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and Children are from Heaven". It really is helping me to undersand the needs of my child more. Less actual punishment more natural consequences and encouragement with rewards, such as "If you brush your teeth now, we will have time to have 2 stories tonight, instead of 1." I used to avoid this type of thing, mainly because I was under the impression that I was bribing my child. But in actual fact, you are just stating the truth, i.e. if the child does something properly and quickly, there will be more time to do more enjoyable things. This really has worked a treat with DS. The other thing I am learning is that children need to resist and should be allowed to resist, feel angry and sad but that you can still be the boss. Instead of reacting negatively to DS for getting angry and resisting I say "I understand you are feeling angry now because you want a cookie, but I don't want you to have one until after lunch." He realises he is being heard and understood but without my giving in to him. Right away his resistance comes down a peg, because much of the time, he just wants his resistance to be heard. This tactic takes a whole lot of practice and patience and I am just at the beginning, but I have seen a huge difference in his behaviour since I've made a new beginning! I have also ordered some other books such as "Rasing your Spirited Child" and hope that these will also shed some new light and help me help my son more.
I want my son to also learn that making mistakes is ok and a natural part of growing up, which is hard because my parents always punished me for my mistakes. I am trying only to use natural consequences for serious stuff and stick to 4 non-compromisable rules in the house (i.e. safety, respect to others etc.)
I am still making mistakes with the way in which I handle some situations, but I feel I am better equipped to go over them and try to deal with them more positively the next time.
Sorry for the long post, but wanted to share my breakthrough with you all. This may also be of some help to others, who are facing the same problems with behavior.
I would be interested to receive any input / feedback on this strategy especially from any of you who have read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Children are from Heaven" and how it has helped you.
Thanks, have a good day all,
Tallstuff

 

[singlemom]

That's great news!! What you said makes a lot of sense & also working for me w/ dealing w/ my son. We have started doing "our time together" every Thursday afterschool so he gets ME and expects my time. It's a perfect time to talk about issues in the house, ie; behavior, chores and interests. As a single mom, I get so caught up in my own life that I working thru things gets pushed aside. I'm trying to just make time & take things step-by-step. I've been "training" my child w/ cooking, laundry & cleaning around the house- the way I expect it to be done. Before when he would do a chore he would do it to his satisfaction & I would end up just doing it over again. Showing him step-by-step and taking time to get it done right the first time shows him how it helps me be able to get to spend more time w/ him after. He is actually enjoying-doing the laundry, prepping w/ meals & cleaning around the house- he feels a sense of accomplishment & pride in what he does.