Problems that Involve the Distribution of Attention...

[jimrich]

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Katy (seven years-old) and Tom (six years-old) have been vying with each other for the attention of their parents since they both could talk.&lt;e&gt;

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I would need to examine and understand exactly why the kids are rivals to offer a meaningful solution so I will use my own childhood to discuss this. &lt;br/&gt;
When I was born (middle child), my parents FAILED to mentally prepare my 1 yr older brother for my arrival so he was both shocked and unhappy with me INVADING his perfect world with his own private parents who had well bonded with him – their precious 1st child. He was then hurt again when his parents abandoned him to (temporarily) give the already dwindling supply of love and attention to the new baby so he was now filled with pain and RAGE! He knew that his own parents were hurting him and not the new baby but, because he loved his parents and needed them so much, he could not confront his parents about his anger and pain! He solved this problem by deciding to turn his rage onto an easier and SAFER target – the new baby! As soon as he made this brilliant choice, he quickly forgot (DENIAL) that his own parents (and not the baby) were hurting him by bringing this unwanted “thing” into HIS home and then abandoning him to tend to this “thing” so he focused all of his vengeful RAGE onto the new baby and then started a campaign of angry, punitive abuse and revenge which went on for several years! &lt;br/&gt;
Meanwhile, I, the new baby had nobody to fear or fight with when I was born so, I dearly loved and respected my older brother as my hero, role model and the best parent that I ever had but couldn’t understand why he mistreated and hurt me so much. I happily took a lot of abuse from my beloved brother and never defended my self or fought back without realizing how much he HATED MY GUST just for being born - thanks to the inexcusable stupidity of our parents who could have turned their pathetic mistake around by HELPING my brother happily and respectfully accept me when they saw how brutally he bullied me but I now believe they ENJOYED our innocent little toddler skirmishes or thought it was just typical sibling stuff. After a few years, I began to fight back and defend my self so our relationship became that of two bitter enemies with short periods of friendship tossed in. &lt;br/&gt;
Then, 4 years after me, our little sister was born and the whole ugly sibling war started all over as I saw my little sister as an unwelcome invader and decided to HATE HER GUTS all because our very negligent parents FAILED to help us boys happily welcome our sister into OUR family but, unlike my older brother, we did not dare abuse our sister because she was dad’s favorite and he would have MURDERED us if we abused her so we just tolerated her with unfriendly distain like we had for each other.
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&lt;/s&gt;Each goes out of his or her way to downplay or draw attention away from the other's successes and steal the attention of his or her parents from the other. Each is hurt when his or her sibling receives attention and he or she does not. Each only feels important when he or she is the center of attention and, even when his or her parents give both he or she and his or her sibling attention at the same time, he or she is discontented.&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt; As far as I am concerned, these siblings are all VICTIMS of bad, negligent and inadequate parenting that has somehow FAILED to promote love and respect in the family, which is why the kids are rivals now. If there had been adequate parenting in this or my own family the kids would be good friends and NONE of this animosity, jealousy, fear or competitiveness would NEED to be there. &lt;br/&gt;
If I were their parent(s), I would go seeking therapy or counseling or whatever I could find to help me learn how to introduce more love and respect in the family and try very hard to get my kids to lovingly and respectfully ACCEPT each other as loyal, welcome FRIENDS from now on! IMO, this is best done by setting good examples and role modeling along with some verbal comments or HELPFUL suggestions, etc. I would do whatever it takes to RE-TRAIN my self for the sake of my now damaged kids to spare them the pain and sorrow of fighting with each other when they should be good, loyal friends!&lt;br/&gt;

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Sadie (five years-old) and Bridget (four years-old) are two very different sisters. Sadie is shy and quiet, while Bridget is outgoing and wild. Bridget craves attention and is always trying to get it. She tries to be with her parents and be the center of their attention as often as possible. She follows close behind her parents wherever they go. She jumps at the chance to get up on their laps when they sit down and stays on until they get up. She doesn't like sharing attention with her sister. She doesn't care that her sister gets much less attention than her because she thinks her sister does not ask for it. Bridget also can be manipulative in her efforts to get attention and often tries to steal attention from Sadie. Sadie would like more attention, but is too timid to compete with her sister for it. She often goes off and plays alone when she feels left out despite her parents attempts to try to make her feel included.&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt; Here again, I would have to have access to all the subtle details from day one of those kid’s lives and the interactions with their parents to offer an intelligent opinion on their situation. The subtle difference in us 3 kids, in my family, can easily be explained and understood once a person sees all the inside details that I could tell you about but it would take a whole book to do it. &lt;br/&gt;
IMO, both of the kids are mentally damaged by BAD parenting and neither of them are able to behave normally since their parents have most likely FAILED to properly socialize them from day one.&lt;br/&gt;
Re: “despite her parents attempts to try to make her feel included.”&lt;br/&gt;
Me: It’s too bad that they FAILED to “make her feel included” years ago when she was still teachable so now she doesn’t believe nor respect them any more!&lt;br/&gt;
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My solution for this scenario is the same as the other solution: Fix the issues with these inadequate parents and the issues of their kids will most likely be resolved. The sooner the better for those little kids!&lt;br/&gt;
jim &lt;E&gt;&lt;/E&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[jimrich]

State what you think the underlying problems may be and go from there.

Based on my experience as a child, not as a parent, both scenarios tell me that there are SERIOUS faults and failing in the parents which are effecting their kids so, the only logical way to help those kids become more normal is to first HELP the parents resolve their own childhood issues and damages after which they MIGHT be able to do better for their now damaged kids.
jim

 

[jimrich]

I can't go anywhere from there, I'm stuck because for every one of those things I would act a different way to 'correct', hence why the reasoning needs to come from the child, not from what the adult imagines.

WOW! Powerful perspective! I have often wondered why in various forums and places that so few adults are the least bit interested in the child's perspective or thoughts and usually superimpose the adults thinking and attitudes upon the child. Since I am not a parent, I've found that I am still able to remember and see situations like a child would and did so, for me, the kid's version of what is happening in those families is very significant - even if he kid is not as articulate as an adult. If anyone had ever asked me what is wrong when I was a chronic bed wetter I would have said "I'm terrified of dad!" or I might have said "My family is AWFUL!" AND IT WAS!
I solute you for your post, cybele.

 

[jimrich]

I was manipulated by a four-year old several times this very day.[/quote]
It would help me understand what you want from us if you would show us your own personal experiences with the scenarios and the solutions that you came to in your own life and experiences otherwise it all seems completely hypothetical to me.
:wideeyed:

 

[jimrich]

&lt;r&gt;&lt;QUOTE author="babysitter;143156"&gt;&lt;s&gt;

&lt;/s&gt;I come back because I'm looking for more replies. /QUOTE]&lt;br/&gt;
Ok, I'll try one more time to offer some personal experiences here: &lt;br/&gt;

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&lt;/s&gt;Sadie (five years-old) and Bridget (four years-old) are two very different sisters. Sadie is shy and quiet, while Bridget is outgoing and wild.&lt;e&gt;

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My brother and I were almost the dead opposite of these girls. I was shy and my brother was outgoing. This is because my older brother was WANTED by our very negligent parents and often put him in charge of me – his “little” brother. My bother had to be the boss, make decisions, take the lead, and show his power (all over me) while I, the unwanted one (that’s another long story) was expected to follow my brother, be submissive, weak, frightened and generally shy and low key next to my powerful and CONTROLLING brother. This was all set up for us by our hopelessly ignorant parents in many ways that would fill up this entire forum to spell out here.&lt;br/&gt;

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&lt;/s&gt;She doesn't like sharing attention with her sister.&lt;e&gt;

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In our case, my brother HATED MY GUTS so sharing anything with me was out of the question for him and our pathetic parents FAILED to notice or deal with the abusive way he treated me from day one!&lt;br/&gt;

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&lt;/s&gt;Sadie would like more attention, but is too timid to compete with her sister for it. She often goes off and plays alone when she feels left out despite her parents attempts to try to make her feel included.&lt;e&gt;

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In my case, I found out very early on that I needn’t bother tying to get attention for my parents and often settled for what little friendly attention I could get from my brother and/or animals which I loved and related to. Like Sadie, I spent a lot of sad times down the road from our unhappy house CRYING all over some friendly dog or by myself in a clump of bushes. I seriously wanted to commit suicide at about 6-7 but couldn’t figure out how painlessly! My parents made it pretty clear that I was not welcome to be included. &lt;br/&gt;
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Here again, I would have to have access to all the subtle details from day one of those kid’s lives and the interactions with their parents to offer an intelligent opinion on their situation. The subtle difference in us 3 kids, in my family, can easily be explained and understood once a person sees all the inside details that I could tell you about but it would take a whole book to do it. &lt;br/&gt;
IMO, both of the kids are mentally damaged by BAD parenting and neither of them are able to behave normally since their parents have most likely FAILED to properly socialize them from day one.&lt;br/&gt;
Re: “despite her parents attempts to try to make her feel included.”&lt;br/&gt;
Me: I'd have to see these "attempts" before I'd accept that the obviously inadequate parents are really "trying" anything in a sincere way.&lt;br/&gt;
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My solution for this scenario is the same as the other solution: Fix the issues with these inadequate parents and then their kid’s issues will most likely be resolved.&lt;br/&gt;
jim &lt;E&gt;&lt;/E&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;&lt;/r&gt;