Problems with starting playschool...

[Aylimn]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but think I will be a regular here after finding it, what a great place! I have a 5 1/2 year old son.

I've started this thread regarding my friend and her 3 1/2 year old son. He falls into the category of ''extremely clingy'' among other things, and will be starting playschool in about a month. He has no siblings and other than playing with my son once or twice a week, he has very little experience with other children and has been with his mom or dad all of the time.

School has not started yet but my friend feels very ambiguous towards it because of how she believes the child will react. She has notions of walking him to school each day because the school is close to her home, but imagines physically dragging him to school once he learns that school means ''mommy leaves for awhile''. He has not reacted very well at all when she has left him with me, and he just stands there when she is gone and doesn't do anything, just staring out the window for her return.

So I do think it's safe to say that he will *probably* not react well to school at first. But my friend is already tipping towards not taking him after a few weeks if he always reacts negatively.

I've read things about this and not making children go to school if they're not ready, etc... but he is 3 1/2 so I don't think he is necessarily too young, and further, because of his lack of exposure to other children and generally away from his parents, I think it would be really good for him to go to this playschool. I also think that if she relents on the school thing after a few weeks, that she is giving quite a big chunk of decision making over to a very young child and may be setting herself up for a harder time in the future because he will know that he just has to throw a fit for awhile and she'll cave.

This is not the only issue surrounding my friend and her son, by the way. He's been given a lot of latitude already in his life that I think is too much for a little one to be given. For example, throughout his young life he has been very contrary in the sense that the answer to every question has been no regardless of what it was. If he was offered a yogurt, it would be no, and then two minutes later, he would start to whinge and want the yogurt. If someone pointed to an apple and said, ''That's an apple'' he would reply with, ''No, it's NOT an apple'' and his mom would allow this sort of thing to go on, saying ''Well, you can think it's whatever you want to think it is'' followed by some chuckles and comments on ''not being in the mood'' to correct him. So basically, he's been allowed to think things are whatever he wants to think they are, and not corrected much on his contrariness, and generally, he gets his way on a good number of things that I would disagree with, personally.

Everyone parents differently and I do understand that, but I really truly, on a gut level, feel that some of her choices have led to the situation that exists now, with him being insecure in the world (how secure can a person be when everything can be whatever name or idea he wants it to be?) and now she's on about letting him decide if he goes to playschool based on his reaction!

I think the best thing for him could be to make him go to playschool and drag his little butt in there whatever he thinks, and he would eventually adapt. He could use some experience not being the center of attention and being around other kids, making friends, etc.. and being around other adults instead of mom and dad all the time.

Am I being overly harsh in my attitude? I admit that because of the situation, the child is not the most charming and likeable fellow and I've gotten to the point that I don't even like being around him! Secondly, should I keep my mouth shut about my opinions of the playschool thing? There are two sayings going through my head: one is ''mind your own beeswax'' and the other is ''it takes a village to raise a child''.

Sorry for the long rant, thoughts welcome!

 

[mom2many]

I've started this thread regarding my friend and her 3 1/2 year old son. He falls into the category of ''extremely clingy'' among other things, and will be starting playschool in about a month. He has no siblings and other than playing with my son once or twice a week, he has very little experience with other children and has been with his mom or dad all of the time.

My older two where only with me or grandma, and the only other interaction they had was with my younger siblings who happen to have been the same age, my oldest also has a learning disability.

School has not started yet but my friend feels very ambiguous towards it because of how she believes the child will react. She has notions of walking him to school each day because the school is close to her home, but imagines physically dragging him to school once he learns that school means ''mommy leaves for awhile''.

When my oldest started kindergarten, and the younger one started pre-school, my oldest freaked out, he tore my coat and screamed and cried for the first hour, whereas my DD just said good-bye and went and played with the other kids, this went on for 2 weeks, and then one day the oldest was fine and loving it, but it took time.

He has not reacted very well at all when she has left him with me, and he just stands there when she is gone and doesn't do anything, just staring out the window for her return.

This is very common in a lot of little ones, some kids are social, some kids are not.

So I do think it's safe to say that he will *probably* not react well to school at first. But my friend is already tipping towards not taking him after a few weeks if he always reacts negatively

.

Convince her to give it a month. If it doesn't change in that time he may not be ready, some kids aren't.

I also think that if she relents on the school thing after a few weeks, that she is giving quite a big chunk of decision making over to a very young child and may be setting herself up for a harder time in the future because he will know that he just has to throw a fit for awhile and she'll cave.

A parent can give in sometimes and it is to the benefit of the child. Not every child is ready, no matter what age they are.

throughout his young life he has been very contrary in the sense that the answer to every question has been no regardless of what it was. If he was offered a yogurt, it would be no, and then two minutes later, he would start to whinge and want the yogurt. If someone pointed to an apple and said, ''That's an apple'' he would reply with, ''No, it's NOT an apple'' and his mom would allow this sort of thing to go on, saying ''Well, you can think it's whatever you want to think it is'' followed by some chuckles and comments on ''not being in the mood'' to correct him. So basically, he's been allowed to think things are whatever he wants to think they are, and not corrected much on his contrariness, and generally, he gets his way on a good number of things that I would disagree with, personally.

This part made me laugh, my oldest DD was the exact same way, if I said it was sunny she would say it was raining, she is still this was, but it has turned out good for her, she is a great debater, and would make one heck of a lawyer! If this boy is anything like my DD you will never convince him it's an apple, he knows it is, and you can't really put him in a time out evertime he has a difference of opinion. My DD is very stron willed and stands up for herself. I want to smack her sometimes but at the same time it makes me proud of her!

Everyone parents differently and I do understand that, but I really truly, on a gut level, feel that some of her choices have led to the situation that exists now, with him being insecure in the world (how secure can a person be when everything can be whatever name or idea he wants it to be?) and now she's on about letting him decide if he goes to playschool based on his reaction!

She has to do what feels right for her son, and no kid needs pre-school or play school, some kids get great bebefits from it other don't, not a one of mine have attended a pre-school, and most of them are honors students and very social (although they weren't really as toddlers).

I think the best thing for him could be to make him go to playschool and drag his little butt in there whatever he thinks, and he would eventually adapt. He could use some experience not being the center of attention and being around other kids, making friends, etc.. and being around other adults instead of mom and dad all the time.

This is only your opinion.

Am I being overly harsh in my attitude? I admit that because of the situation, the child is not the most charming and likeable fellow and I've gotten to the point that I don't even like being around him! Secondly, should I keep my mouth shut about my opinions of the playschool thing? There are two sayings going through my head: one is ''mind your own beeswax'' and the other is ''it takes a village to raise a child''.

I think it does take a village to raise a child, BUT only when the other parent agrees. I think if you can be supportive and less harsh, she may see the benefit to her child cause no parent likes to be told what they are doing wrong.

 

[Aylimn]

Thank you for your insightful reply and a fresh perspective of another mom who has had similar experiences. I guess it boils down to me not having spent much time around kids in general before I had my own son. It just so happened to work out for me that my son is very congenial and cooperative, etc... so for me to have met my friend's son and see a very opposite expression in his personality is very foreign to me and I admit that I found a lot of his behaviors (or more accurately, the parenting choices coupled with the behaviors) to be extremely annoying! I'm just being honest here! I really enjoy my friendship with this woman when we are able to visit sans the kids, but I find myself sighing with apprehension and annoyance when I'm going to visit her in the daytimes and her son is around.

This is my problem and not hers. I am quite sure someone has been annoyed by my choices at some point too, so I'm running all of this through my head in my attempt at becoming a more understanding and patient person, inside of myself, regarding her son. I have always kept my mouth shut, by the way, as you mentioned, no one likes to hear someone else tell them their *opinion* of what they're doing wrong, which is what my thoughts are in the end.

Every parent is imperfect and I am an imperfect parent too. I am happy to admit that and can think with some embarrassment to less than stellar moments in my momming.

It just seems like a lot of the issues that had been or are present with this child could be solved if he were to be around other kids and generally just socialize some more. But I am open to the comments you said that some kids just aren't that way... I just need to develop more patience and understanding it seems. It's just hard when I see *a lot* of inconsistent parenting, not just sometimes, but regularly, coupled with some other things that *in my opinion* lead to problems. I think I just need to turn my cheek to it and let it be without saying anything. I am definitely supportive of her when I know I *can* say positive things or if she asks and I can offer some suggestions. Basically, I say nothing at all if it's a negative thought and only speak up when it's a positive one. That's nice in theory but leaves me silently stewing on things I feel I can't say. Argh!

 

[Kaytee]

I like mom2 many's answer lol.
I don't think forcing a child away from his parents when he absolutly hates it is wise. A child is attached the parent, if they are not, then there is something wrong. When a parent offers security to a child the goal is to not make them dependent on you, but to inforce that if the parent thinks its ok the child will know it is as well.
She obviously thinks her son would benefit from play school if she is wanting him to go in the first place right? I mean here kids don't start school till they are 5. Unless you are low income and they go to a head start type program or you can afford a private school. Most are all day 5 days a week at that.
Anyways... off track lol

How long is the school that your friend plans to send him to? How many days a week?
If she is worried about soical interaction she may do better with a mom and me class of some type. Or even just a class. Put him in soccer or gymnastics or even a music class. Also some places offer a one day a week for a few hours playschool just to kinda introduce the idea. Something like that might be better for her son

 

[Aylimn]

Thanks! Yeah, she wants to enroll him in the Montessori program at the same school where my son goes. So it would be 3 days a week from 9 to about 12 or so. She has brought him to a children's music class thing that was for babies up to about 2 years (he is 3 1/2). They had another program for 2-4 year olds but she declined to put him in that one because in that one, the moms leave their kids for the hour, whereas in the babies/toddler class, the moms stay with their kids.

Since I haven't been around many other kids besides my own son and then her son, I don't necessarily know what is 'normal' and that is one reason I've been asking here on these forums, so that I could get a better clue. It just seems as if her son is inordinately insecure around people in general aside from mom and dad, so it seems as if it would go a long way in helping him if he were in a situation where he learned everything was ok and there were other kids there having fun.

The other part of this is, he doesn't generally act that way when he's just around his dad, and the last few times he was left with me and my son, he didn't act the same way he does around his mom. For example, when his dad took him to the park, he was clambering around on all of the jungle gym things, no question. When mom takes him to the park, he cries a lot and won't go on things or won't go unless she's literally right next to him. I've watched him have a fall and not fuss when mom was gone, but have the same kind of fall and absolutely fall apart with his mom. Or once, took a fall and was obviously fine, and went *looking* for his mom, which took a couple of minutes as she was upstairs, and then started to cry.

So because he spends most of his time around his mom, this is his behavior and he won't try a lot of things or do a lot of things, whereas he is fine around his dad and more recently, when left with me. So is this a common experience for some? That was part of my thinking about how it would be good for him to get to a playschool and spend more time away from mom and developing that part of his personality. His mom is aware to a degree that he acts differently around her, but the way she treats him and thinks about him is such that it reinforces his behavior and hence, she is thinking about how negatively he is going to react to playschool whereas I feel that he will probably be completely fine while he is *at* the school, but will kick up a major fuss as long as his mom is around, and she will end up thinking that he is having this really bad time of things when he's really just doing it around her more or less.

I dunno...I suppose the best thing for me is to just mentally distance myself from the situation and not spend time thinking about it as it's her situation and her child and all. It does affect my experience with her when he is around as she even speaks to my own son (5 1/2) as if he were younger than he is, but that's a whole nother story.

Thanks again for listening to my queries and long posts. I definitely appreciate your insights and do hope to come to terms with this myself soon. I don't want to turn down opportunities to visit my friend and enjoy our friendship because of our differences in parenting, so that is why it's important for me to try to explore and understand the situation and my attitude towards it.

 

[mom2many]

I was afraid I cam off harsh, but understanding know that you have limited interaction with other littles ones, helps me to understand where you are coming from. I have 7 kids, #1 (17) has a learning disability and can be trying, to say the least, he's very quite, #2 (16) my "darker" DD, but since losing 50 pounds I am seeing a new side to her, she is social but on a quiter scale, #3 (15) VERY social son who is the jock, #4 (14) Very social, popular and talkative, likes to be the center of attention, #5 (7) social, and energetic, #6 (4) outgoing and shy, a little princess and #7 (23 months) not sure about him though he is definatley a moms boy, and can be very shy.

Your asking "why is she telling me this?", here's why, all of my kids are raised the same, same mom and dad, same life style, and yet each one of my kids is very different, Heck if they weren't my kids I don't think as adults we would be friends, they have very different personalities then I am used to "hanging with", does that make sence?

And let me say, some of my friends have very different parenting styles and at times I have to just keep my mouth shut (anyone who know's me will tell you that that is HARD for me) but I love them, so when a choice I thinks they made is wrong, and it goes wrong, I never say or think I told you so, I just support them and hope they are willing to see a different way.

 

[Xero]

On Mom2Many's last note, I wanted to say that I am almost exactly the same about some things your friend is with my son. Eli is almost NEVER babysat by anyone besides me or his dad. We are the people he always always see. He occasionally sees other people when they visit or I am visiting them.

However the difference between her kid and mine is that mine doesn't mind other people, ADORES other kids, and as long as he was occupied by something he would never notice me leaving and would play with the person/the kids the entire time till I got back. I think if he had a little daycare he'd be all for it, but I don't trust people.

However with the ideas you had on her annoying parenting like with letting him get away with rediculous stuff... I kind of agree, I think. I don't mean to be rude, but as much as it is none of our business it is still obnoxious as heck, and really reflects poorly on them as parents. I have a cousin with a son the exact same age as Eli and they are like night and day, because she never even thinks about saying no to him. I believe Eli understands me and I will start even this early trying to form him into a good person, with good behavior. He's still a crazy, trouble making brat that gets into everything, but he's not out of hand and if tries anything, I stop him. Because I've been teaching him right from wrong since as early as I thought possible, he listens to me when I tell him no. She will let her son crawl all over the floors at a restaurant and throw food at you, and hit other kids, and snatch things away, and everything you can think of and she just waves it off like it's funny.

And I hate it, it makes me not like her son. Some kids are seriously annoying to be around because of what their parents let them do, or how they let them be. There's nothing I can do, and there's no reason I should do anything, and I have no business saying anything. But man, that doesn't change the truth.