Proposing to Ex...

[Accordlakeville]

To start, both my ex and I are in our late 20's. We dated for about 4 years. Everything seemed great at first even though there were some red flags about her that i ignored and/or chose to not make a big deal about it. Our relationship quickly got serious and after 9 moths of dating we decided we wanted to start a family. We had always planned on getting married anyway and there were numerous times when I told her I wanted to marry her, but i didn't want to get married yet and didn't even propose to her. Im sure she obviously felt hurt and rejected. But we always managed to work things out. Since then we have had two kids, two boys a 2 and a 1 year old.

it's been 3 1/2 months since we broke up and this whole process hurt me like hell as i still have strong feelings for my ex and never wanted to break up. during the 1st month, i did have that sense of freedom, hung out with a lot of friends and did a lot of things i normally couldn't because i was always at home taking care of our child together (not that i'm complaining). this novelty quickly wore off and the whole time i was missing my ex and the fact i couldn't see my children everyday. to make matters worse, my ex appeared in my dreams alot, even to this day, she shows up in my dreams at least once or twice a week.

i had hopes of reconciling but i hurt her so much too that she does not want to get back with me and that she hates me (Or so it seems). I've been at that stage where i keep wondering if i did things differently, what would've happened. regardless of how desperate this sounds, i just want to run back to her, propose and tell her i want to be family and things will be OK.

is this even a good idea? or is it insulting to my ex to propose after it took all these events to occur to get a proposal out of me? or should i just accept the fact i had my chance and move on?...

I just want to be a family again and fix things for the best so that my kids grow up properly and safe. A family is meant to last and be a support system.

Thanks!

I would appreciate txt msgs too as Im not always on my computer. 952-300-0708

 

[parentastic]

So why did she broke the relationship? Did she tell you?

 

[Accordlakeville]

Well basicly I didnt give her much attention, I spend more time with my friends than with my own family, I didnt spend much time with her family, Didnt go to church, I began drinking alot, She wanted to go to counseling but I declined cus it doesnt help much to me. I would have been nice if she would have comunicated with me about my wrong doings or what bothered her.

 

[Xero]

I agree with parentastic, I would like to know what happened that caused her to break it off? Just be honest, it will help us to give you better advice.

 

[bssage]

I am going to have to make some assumptions here because you post was not overly detailed. Please don't let my assumptions or anyone else's for that matter offend.

I am assuming it was not a total surprise and that you have also made your wishes to reconcile known possibly several times by now.

I think you wont be successful saying "I will change" I think your only chance is proving that you have changed by your actions.

I would guess you shouldn't need to draw attention to these changes. I. E. "See I did this!" that seems artificial and temporary. While you may not get feedback, real changes for the better are generally noticed.

I also think the changes should be for you and your kids. Not for the ex. While I am sure you are hoping for the Home run/ Jackpot win. Its not always realistic. And not a stable platform to build change. If you change your life, your actions in a positive way. A way that both makes you a better dad. And a better person. Then you and your boys win, no matter what. If the only prize is the total package then there is a chance it can all be undone by what someone else (the ex) chooses to do. That my friend is really out of your control.

I don't think anyone will be able to tell you, do this, or say that. And make any significant difference.

Its a matter of patience. Making deliberate choices. And accepting that no mater how bad you want it, your bound to make a mistake now and then. Then keep trying. That is the "key to the mint" IMO

Good luck Brother

 

[Accordlakeville]

Im wanna do this for my kids. Cus when they get older theyll appreciate that I did this for them and because I love their mom.

 

[singledad]

^^^ What bssage said ^^^

 

[Aylaissi]

You said she was wanting to go to counseling, maybe that is the first step. Ask her if she will go with you to improve your relationship for your children. You may not think it will do anything for you, but she felt it would help. A sign like that and step towards showing her what you realized in that tome apart might open her up to a romantic relationship in the future and even eventually marriage. Worst case you at least made an effort and that is what matters, those little things in life are what make us grow as people, as better partners, better parents.

 

[GavinH]

You should talk to her fix what went wrong before proposing. It will take time to show that you have changed and corrected the problems. There is no sense in getting married and have the same issues in the marriage.

 

[DFWRusty]

I hope what I am about to tell you does not offend you......

Before you try and win her back, ask yourself "is she really what I want?". It sounds like you did't respect her as your partner, and IMO it's not fair to her or yourself to go back into that situation. Some times when a relationship ends, we think that we miss that person and that we made a huge mistake. When in reality, you miss the norm that you were used to. This doesn't mean that you dont care for your ex or not have feelings for her, it just means, maybe she isn't the one for you! This also doesn't mean that y'all can't have a very healthy and happy friend ship! I see this a lot amongst my friends and just about everytime the couple gets back together it ends up going down the same path it did the first go round, except normally worse! I'm not trying to rain on your parade, I'm just trying to give you an honest and un-biast opinion. My vote would to just be friends and maybe if down the road it turns into something else, then great, but to try and force another relationship will end in disaster!

 

[IADad]

proposing isn't going to help anything in and of itself. Just like the others have said, you need to work on the roots of the problems. You nee to decide who you are going to be, are you going to be the hang out friend and holiday dad, or do you really want to be a 24/7 father? Counseling seems like a good way both to work on sorting this out for yourself and to work on issues you may have as a couple. At least it's a positive step that shows you are willing to work at building a relationship. Skipping ahead to a marriage will not solve any of the relationship or personal issues you have.

 

[Accordlakeville]

I wanna do this because i

 

[Accordlakeville]

I still have feelings for her. and love our kids. Ive dedicated myself to go to church and changed in alot of ways that I wouldnt normally do or go. Believe me its not easy but Im trying.

 

[Accordlakeville]

Lately shes been looking for me and has been wanting to know if I have a GF. Makes me curious as to why she would ask that. She wouldnt tell me directly but my sisters and mother as she has a nice relationship with them still

 

[IADad]

well sure you're attracted to each other, you must have liked each other enough to make babys...and it makes sense that she wants to know what her baby daddy is up to socially, but those things, along with your efforts to change aren't reason enough to get married. They are fantasttic steps in the right direction and good for you for making change happen, and I encourage you to keep going. But proposing doesn't change problems if they still exist. Relationships take work. Marriage doesn't take away that work, if anything it makes it all the more important to do the work, because now you have a commitment that is more serirous than any other you've made before. If you think counseling doesn't do anything for you, then consider it might dosomething for her and you can help, it might do good things for your relationship. Saying "It doesn't do much for me" sounds like a pretty selfish answer doesn't it? Consider that sometimes you do things because they're the right things to do, not because the benefit you directly. Just something to think about.

 

[rocknrollmommy]

if you are just doing it for the kids, or because it's the right thing to do....it will never work.

 

[Ruben Padilla]

I agree with BSSAGE that patience is key. She needs to know that you're in it for the long haul, and your persistance <I>without promise of reward</I> will go a long way towards showing her that you're really not going anywhere.

All of your free time should be spent trying to better the relationship. When it's clear to her that family is the priority - over jobs, friends, hobbies, etc., and she truly believes that <I>you believe it</I>, things can heal.

You can't be in a rush. We're talking about forever here. So if it takes five years to win her back, and you're serious about this - is it worth it?

 

[sandra holmes]

I do wish you luck but will also wish that you think about this very carefully. Trust me , some wounds are just never healed.