Question on distant teen...

[bill1971]

Hello, just a little background. I have been living with my girlfriend and her three kids for about 5 years now. The middle child is 19 and always ignores me unless I specifically say hi to him or ask him a question. We attend a church and he is always all hugs and smiles to everyone there going out of his way to be nice. He is sometimes nice to his siblings and his mother but has definite mood swings. I have mentioned to him on a few occasions if he has a problem with me and is everything fine. He said yes and that was about it. What else can I be doing? It is putting a strain on my relationship with my girlfriend because I express my frustration with the situation. Ok to be honest I'm sure I complain about it too much to her.

I know he has said to his mom recenltly that she should have stayed with their dad because he makes more money and he wouldnt have to pay for his school books and things like that. Although he doesnt get along with his father either. He was physically abusive to my girlfriend, that is why she left. This issue has been going on for a few years now.

My "solution" is to just try to be civil and either hope the issue goes away or wait for him to move out.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[16th ave.]

keep trying to be civil to him. try to do a sit down with him and his mom together and separately. get all these issues he seems to have out in the open. do it without the other kids around.
at least get it down that respect has to be shown to you and your gf no matter what his feelings on ya'll's relationship and the feelings he has about his mom's n dad's.

i'd like to ask:
how does she feel about his behavior? what does she think of the whole situation? does she stand up for you when he's got attitude or what?
and
does he still live at home with his mom? rather in the home you and she share together? if so then a common ground has got to be found and mutual respect does have to be shown to Everyone in the household no matter his views on anyone's relationships. he can put his thoughts out. there but he can't go round disrespecting ya'll either..


the issue is not likely to go away as long as you and she stay together in a committed relationship.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

depends on what you mean by respect...
19yo is a man, not a child. so i don't suggest OP should try 'parenting' him. he has his own father, whatever he is, whatever relationship they have.

try becoming a friend or a relative. have a beer with him or something. encourage him on starting his own living.

 

[Father_0f_7]

have a beer with him or something.

First off, that's illegal. And the whole "19 year old is not a child" is debateable. Especially considering the way he is acting.

I agree with 16th, be civil. BUT dont try to be a parent, meaning dont try and tell him what to do, until he's ready, or he gets completely out of hand.

I also think you should talk to his mom, have a conversation with both of them. See how things go.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

OOPS... i forgot about USA sorry for that

 

[AmyBelle]

Haha, Natalie, I would have said that too, damn USA drinking laws, getting in the way of step-father and step-son bonding.

See, my view on this, he dosent exactly have to get along with you. Im sorry, that must sound awful, but its the truth. He's 19, he's not a little kid anymore and youre some new guy whose come along who complains about him to his mum.

Try to be his friend, not his father.

 

[bssage]

I agree with Amybelle. As long as he is not actively combative to you. Take the money and run. When opportunities arrise for you to prove yourself take them. Most men/young adult males are not big fans of the "lets sit down and talk about your feelings" approach.

Let your deeds speak louder than words. It could be alot worse. It sounds like he is a fairly adjusted young adult.

Short story.

I used to sell cars like my dad. One day I called him to talk about a customer that I was just not getting along with.

His reply was just let another salesman sell him. There are people who you will never be on the best terms with. That from the word go there is friction. Take one for the team turn the deal. The team can still benifit from the deal. And when the team is successful you are successful.

My point.

You may dammage the relationship you have with the rest of your clan by forcing this issue. It does not sound from your words or tone that this is a dealbreaker. Dont let it turn into one. Focus instead on the people who want your attention. I am afraid if you keep pushing. You will force other people in the family to take sides. And that will likely not work out in your best intrest.

IMHO

 

[Father_0f_7]

OOPS... i forgot about USA sorry for that

Yep, no need to apologize, it was a simple mistake. lol

 

[bill1971]

Thanks for all of the responses. To address a few points.

I dont force the issue I have mentioned it a few times to clear the air, but am not forcing anything. If anything I thought I was being too passive but maybe not. I figure if I am nice to him and ask about his life things will smooth at as he gets older.

His mom does say things when he acts disrespectful so she is very much involved but I tend to agree with those who said if too big a deal is made of it, it could get worse, so thanks for that advice.

I am not a new guy, I have been living with them for 4 years, although relatively speaking I am a new guy I suppose. I have always tried to be a friend instead of a father. As a matter of fact I am encourging when the kids do spend time with their father, although down deep it hurts.

I think what I take from this is just be who I am and be nice and civil, not everything has to be perfect or smooth. I definately didnt want to be forceful with them, because who am I to tell them what to do. I just tried to be a good role model and have good behavior that they can see. Actions speak louder than words. That being said I am sure there were many times where I was not on my best behavior and acted selfish or childish. Thank you for the feedback. What a great forum.

 

[Mom2all]

At 19, he is still a child. I have an 18 year old that proves legally adult does not mean adult. As the Mom on the flip side of your situation, just be patient. Considering the abuse he probally witnessed with the father, he might be harder for you to prove yourself to. My son hated Sean when we first became serious. He thought he was the man of our house and they had some growing to do with that. Sean was patient and used little things to build a relationship. He does the grocery shopping.. so making sure he picked up thing specifically that Adam liked and putting his name on it... or picking up something Adam needed for his bike just because he "happened to be there" made a huge difference. He didn't force a relationship... it just kinda grew.. slowly.. between them.. without my pushing it. You love her.. you have to love the child... and as he grows up he'll appreciate you for that if nothing else!Hope this helps.. it will get better~