Reciprocal obligation - Christmas...

[evilbrent]

Ok... some of you might have picked up that I'm a bit underwhelmed by Christmas - hopefully I've managed to keep it to myself, but Ifear that it always slips out...

My wife sent a text message to her girlfriend asking if she could come and drop some presents off to her kids. The friend is even poorer than us and sms'ed back saying "No, no presents this year. Nothing please."

Well, what are we supposed to do with the presents we've already bought?

Then she gets a message asking what size t-shirts our kids are (this woman is like TOTALLY crazy about making clothes - she once whipped up a fully realistic Hogwarts uniform for a Hermione costume for a Potter opening night with material and patterns she 'just had lying around' inside the 3 hours before the show.) What I think has happned is that the girlfriend has realised that we already have the presents for her family and is incapable of receiving generosity from us. She once borrowed my car for a couple of hours (what do I care?) and insisted on giving me some chocolates for the privilege. So she's wracked her brains and figured out a way to even up the balance.

Now - this is my question - did we inadvertently cause this other family a cost by buying their kids presents? We don't have a standing agreement to do so, my wife just bought them presents because, you know, it's Christmas, and she wanted to. Did they HAVE to reciprocate? (Keep in mind that it's no secret that they don't have anywhere near as much money as we do, and _we're_ living paycheck to paycheck.)

Should we have NOT given her presents because she's pooer than us? That doesn't seem right at ALL.

Is there a way to give a present and say "This is from me to you. I don't want anything from you but for you to enjoy this."?

 

[1dayatatime]

I believe a sneak attack works best. Just show up, here you go, merry christmas, we have to run. I know being proud makes it tough to just recieve a gift. I keep jar candles on hand for just this type of situation. The saying is...It's better to give then recieve.

 

[Teresa]

I don't believe in reciprocal obligations, especially at Christmas. I think you give to those you want to give to, in a manner you can afford, and let it go at that. If someone else gives you something, it's because it is something they wanted to do, and IMO you are not under any obligation to do the same for them.

If I knew that someone felt the way this woman does, I would probably find a way to give the gifts to the children without letting them know who they were from in the first place. I've been known to leave presents on a porch, ring the doorbell and run...and the tags on the gifts only say who the gift is for, not who it's from.

 

[evilbrent]

actually... this one time my mother in law came into some money (inheritance) that she didn't need (as much as she thought someone else might need it) and she left $100 or so on her porch.

Just randomly.

The friend figured out where it came from, insisted on giving it back and my MIL refused to take it back... and _we_ ended up with the money.

Yeah... I guess that "Proud" is the right word to use to describe her.

 

[chefrick]

I've been known to leave presents on a porch, ring the doorbell and run...and the tags on the gifts only say who the gift is for, not who it's from.

May I PM you my address???? I need a new kilt by St. Patties day

 

[Kaytee]

lol rick!

I do agree that a sneak attaack may be best. I would also not get lavish gifts for her kids, not that you did. But she is a proud person and just feels bad for not returning the favor. Bless her

 

[musicmom]

Could you say "they are not from us they are from our children" ? You could also tell her that you do not think of her as a charity case but really value her friendship and it would really make you feel bad if she did not take the presents and that you really do not want anything in return and if she INSISTS on returning the favor then you could say "maybe for Halloween you could help us with a costume?" that will buy you a years worth of time and she doesn't feel obligated. That was very nice of you to treat her like that.

 

[FooserX]

I'm surprised no one has suggested returning the gifts. Do they have receipts in Austrailia? Or have they gotten rid of those like guns?

She obviously doesn't feel comfortable getting presents, and I can see why. Sometimes people give my wife and I things, and instead of cherishing the gifts, my first reaction is "Crap! Now we have to get them something!" lol

Maybe you could just respect her wishes if there's no other way she can be happy.

 

[musicmom]

Do they have receipts in Austrailia? Or have they gotten rid of those like guns?

You are just a mere husk of a man aren't you Fooser? Unreal.

 

[FooserX]

<r><FONT font="Arial"><s></s>Shoo fly, don’t bother me.<e></e></FONT><br/>
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[Kaytee]

I'm surprised no one has suggested returning the gifts. Do they have receipts in Austrailia? Or have they gotten rid of those like guns?

She obviously doesn't feel comfortable getting presents, and I can see why. Sometimes people give my wife and I things, and instead of cherishing the gifts, my first reaction is "Crap! Now we have to get them something!" lol

Maybe you could just respect her wishes if there's no other way she can be happy.

I also feel that way sometime, but luckily now that I have a child, people just buy her stuff, and I try to buy their children things as well. Of course gifts are cheap, no more then 10

 

[evilbrent]

You are just a mere husk of a man aren't you Fooser? Unreal.

huh? don't get mad at fooser. that was a perfectly fair thing to say.

actually, in Australia, at least socially, this business of just returning stuff you've bought is a bit more frowned upon.

 

[Kaytee]

why is that Brent? Just curious as I hate returning things, but sometimes it just has to be done.

 

[evilbrent]

why is that Brent? Just curious as I hate returning things, but sometimes it just has to be done.

sometimes it has to be done - but it's less Done, if you know what I mean.

Usually, say, amongst family, if you buy a t-shirt for a niece you might give the mother the receipt to the mum in case you got the size totally wrong, or it turns out that your niece loves Bratz not Barbies... that's ok.

But if I bought... I dunno... say, a pocket knife for my brother in law I certainly wouldn't give him the receipt with that. If it turned out that he already had one he'd just say thank you and put it in his pocket and that would be the end of it.

It's always hard, isn't it?

I don't particularly hate returning stuff. It just doesn't really happen that much, and certainly the expectation isn't that you'll return the gift to the store if you don't love it. At least not in my family/friends circle.

 

[Teresa]

May I PM you my address???? I need a new kilt by St. Patties day

Sure....but then I might just stalk you or something....looking for incriminating things I could post here! LOL

 

[1dayatatime]

I'm also a re-gifter. If I get a gift I already have or it's not my favorite. I smile say thank you and then later pass the gift to someone that would really enjoy it.

 

[Kaytee]

there is nothing wrong with regifing as long as you are doing because the new person would like it. Least that's my opinion lol

LOL @ Teresa, another stalker coming out in the open!

 

[FooserX]

sometimes it has to be done - but it's less Done, if you know what I mean.

You know Evil, I can buy that Austrailia has a lower murder rate because guns are banned.

But I'm not sure that I can buy all of Austrailia somehow being more kind and grateful than American when it comes to accepting gifts. lol

Do you speak for everyone down under? Are there some facts to back up this claim?

 

[Kaytee]

don't particularly hate returning stuff. It just doesn't really happen that much, and certainly the expectation isn't that you'll return the gift to the store if you don't love it. At least not in my family/friends circle.

geez Fooser, it says in his circle of friends/family

 

[FooserX]

geez Fooser, it says in his circle of friends/family

This is his first post:

"actually, in Australia, at least socially, this business of just returning stuff you've bought is a bit more frowned upon."


To me that sounds like Austrailia is somehow more...nice...than America. (which is probably is lol)

I'll forgive your "geez" comment since you look really nice today.