Relationships with step-children...

[cute_cupcake04]

Well, DH and I are now living with his 10-year-old daughter (my step-daughter), Ella. We've been living together since around August/September time. We get on fairly well, she has no problems with me (thankfully) and there is definately a (step)mother-daughter bond there.

I was just wondering, what are your relationships like with your step-children? It's just there may be half-siblings for her soon (er, we're hoping that there will be, we've just had a positive pregnancy test and a doctor's appointment ), and we're wondering if she'll have any problems with that. I just want to know from your experiences, how you told your step-children that you were expecting (and your children, I guess, they could get jealous of siblings as well). She's fine with the baby that we lost last year, probably because it wasn't actually born and that it doesn't change anything, if you see what I mean, it's just a sad memory of something that didn't happen. But maybe a real baby might make her very distant? We have a great relationship, recently we've been closer than ever (almost like a real mother and daughter) and I don't want that to go.

I'm hoping that she'll be fine (she's had to cope with a lot, after all), but I'd just like to have some idea of what works and what doesn't, and maybe how to involve her with the baby, buying things and stuff so she doesn't feel left out. Thanks!

 

[dadoftwo]

My 3 yr old is not biologically mine. I also have a 13 month old who is. Let me tell you boy there are some differences. At first when my daughter was born the oldest was very jealous when we got home. The baby had been sleeping in our room at the time and the oldest felt left out. For the first three months I thought I was going to lose it with the 4 of us in one bedroom. It actually worked out OK the oldest slept through the cries of the baby. Today they get along great as much as a 3 yr old and a 13 month can get along. They play together and love each other very much. I try to involve them both on a lot that I do or ill ask the oldest to play with my daughter so I can do something like laundry or cook. Ill also ask the oldest to help out. She especially loves to help with laundry well pushing the buttons on the machines that is.

Now that the little one is mobile they both are jealous of the toy each other is playing with. The youngest not fully knowing any better but still gets told to share the oldest is just told if she doesn't share all the toys get put away. This usually works. When my daughter is sleeping I make a one on one time with the oldest. Usually it will be story time or coloring or playing playdoh whichever she chooses that we have for bonding time.

We also got the oldest involved with the pregnancy we read her books, nothing detailed but we also bought a headset monitor for when baby got older we all took turns listening to babies heartbeat and feeling her kick in the womb.

I guess there is quite a bit of age difference that we are talking here so I wish you guys the best of luck and maybe someone else will chime in with different advice.

 

[Mom2all]

I have "step-children". I just call them mine, so that word is hard to say. All children tend to feel a little jealousy. Funny thing to me is that at times everyone of them have claimed someone else is my "favorite" and at times everyone of them will tell you that they know they are the "favorite". ( truth is, they are wrong no matter which way they chose to think) I just love them all and let them sort it out.

When the 3rd one came, the oldest 2 where 6 and 7. I spent lots of time telling them about the up coming baby and how much we were all going to have to work hard. How important their job was in being a big brother/sister and we all made plans on what we could each do to help him learn and stay safe. They helped me pick out important things, like what he would wear home and what kind of toys he might like. They both got a gift bag when I went to the hospital with treats for the "new big sister / brother" that had t-shirts saying just that in them. They were both excited.

My daughter never showed an ounce of jealously. My son did at times. During those times, I'd share secrets about how much work a little baby was, how if he'd help me feed him his bottle or read to him until he went to sleep, we could do something fun. And things like, "won't it be great when he's a little older so you can show him how to ride a bike because your so good at that" made him act 100x better. I think his knowing I missed my time with him and still recognized what he was doing made him happy.

My daughter lives on her own now. She still comes to get that baby, now 13, to let him stay over to her house for bonding time. And my oldest son still see's it as his job to lecture, lead and teach him about all the important things, like ball and guitar playing and of course all important girl issues.

I think with her age, if you make it a family adventure, "our baby" type thing, you'll be fine and so will she!

 

[momtoallkids]

my step-son is 10 and just had a baby brother come into the mix. he actually handled it quite well. telling him was the easiest part, i didnt have to tell him. he told me that i was pregnant even told me what i was having. heres what worked for us.

1. explain that babies cant do things for themselves and that is why they need so much attention.
2.turn her into your big helper. have her help you set up the babys room and pick out clothes. even get her involved with picking a name(its wierd but it makes them feel like they are a big part of it. i got names like lightning mcqueen and rock out of my kids)
3. take them to the ultrasound. letting them see the baby moving around in your belly helps them to except the fact that it is real.

after the baby is born...
1. make sure you set time each day to spend with just her. even if its only the ride to school. use that as an opertunity to talk and connect.
2. have her help you with everything. remember, 10yo kids are more capable of things than we give them credit for. teach her how to make bottles, let her hold the baby to feed it or put it to sleep. it helps seal the bond between them and you.
4. and most imortant, treat them equally.(well once the baby gets to that toddler stage) my mother and step-father were the types to treat the children they had together much differently then they treated me. it made me feel as if i was just the practice kid for when they had their own then once they did, thats it. time to fend for myself. its a horrible feeling. i have 2 biological kids and my step-son. they all get treated the same. there is no favoritism. sometimes its hard but you got to try like hell to treat them equal.

good luck