I'll put this in the step-parenting forum because my perspective is of a step-parent in this situation.
We are a couple, living together for a few years, in a relationship for almost 4 years, raising a young child from her previous marriage.
For many months, we have been dealing with a lot of conflict and negativity from extended family (if I can call it that), namely her father and sister.
To break it down and make a long story short , her dad played a significant supportive role when she was going through a divorce. He also happens to be an "I'm always right" strong personality with a strong sense of entitlement in his role as a parent of adult children and his grandparental role. It's not too hard for me to relate to as my own father has a strong personality. As do I. Herein lies the foundation of our conflict.
Perhaps other step-parents understand the difficulties of stepping into an existing family, however young, and taking on parental roles. I have done this because I love my partner and her son. His dad still does play a role in his life, is local, and has visits, but sole parenting responsibilities fall on her/us as the childs main household. And it is legally stated.
I believe that once her father saw his role waning a bit, perhaps after we moved in together, it was very difficult to see another male (fatherly perhaps) figure picking up the slack where her ex left it. Instead of embracing the new found support of a loving partner, her father took offense to it and called me out as a master manipulator, puppeteer. Then started threatening emails to me, which I immediately put to a stop by asking for no further communication and threatening a restraining order. Unfortunately, my partner, as someone who through most of her life has been influenced by the overbearing behavior of a strong and willful parent, found it more difficult to cut off the hate laden emails outlining everything she as a parent was doing wrong for her child. We endured this behavior until we found it so toxic we could not see how in that climate we could facilitate visits between our son and grandparent. Of course, things got worse. Her sister, with similar aged kids decided to jump on her dad's bandwagon and while perhaps using a slightly less offensive tone, has dished out plenty of "you are doing this all wrong", "your child will suffer".
I suppose the dilemma is, we do see that putting children in the middle of adult issues is not great. However, how can one manage a visit between your child and another relative that you cannot even speak with? Don't you have a responsibility as a parent to make sure this relative does not create a toxic environment around your child because of their issues with you?
So far, the grandfather has refused all suggestions of counseling, together or separately, or any kind of mediation. He has not presented any alternatives to our suggestions to try to mend our relationship, or at least get to a point where there is some common understanding. Moreover, his issues have infected the relationship we have with her sister and made it harder to facilitate visits between our child and his cousins. They do get to play, but not as often as everyone would like as the grandfather still plays an active role in his cousins lives.
So, what can a parent or core family do when faced with these challenges. I can't help but thing things would be easier if we lived on opposite sides of the country, but that is not so. We have common friends, and family in our city. There are a few family functions per year, like holidays and birthdays that make things difficult and uncomfortable. We've tried the best we can so far, but outside resistance has been consistent.
What can you do when your outside family does not respect the choices you make as a parent? When they dislike who you've chosen as partner and co-parent to your child? Understandably, using our child as a carrot does not seem ideal, but we feel there is no other leverage to use to have control over the situation. A grandfather is not the same as a father. I believe we have the right, or at least she does, as a parent, to restrict contact if certain conditions of respect are not met. If someones behavior is out of control and their communication is only hurtful and disrespectful. It is hard to trust someone with responsibilities of guardianship when there is lack of positive communication and such a high level of dysfunction.
I admit if it were the child's father in the place of the grandfather, everything would be different, unless perhaps the actions were directly harmful to the child's health and safety. But it is not. We are dealing with a parent's father, and a parents sibling who seem resistant to all things that are not done in accordance with "their way".
Any input would be appreciated. This is a very hard situation for us. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Cedar
We are a couple, living together for a few years, in a relationship for almost 4 years, raising a young child from her previous marriage.
For many months, we have been dealing with a lot of conflict and negativity from extended family (if I can call it that), namely her father and sister.
To break it down and make a long story short , her dad played a significant supportive role when she was going through a divorce. He also happens to be an "I'm always right" strong personality with a strong sense of entitlement in his role as a parent of adult children and his grandparental role. It's not too hard for me to relate to as my own father has a strong personality. As do I. Herein lies the foundation of our conflict.
Perhaps other step-parents understand the difficulties of stepping into an existing family, however young, and taking on parental roles. I have done this because I love my partner and her son. His dad still does play a role in his life, is local, and has visits, but sole parenting responsibilities fall on her/us as the childs main household. And it is legally stated.
I believe that once her father saw his role waning a bit, perhaps after we moved in together, it was very difficult to see another male (fatherly perhaps) figure picking up the slack where her ex left it. Instead of embracing the new found support of a loving partner, her father took offense to it and called me out as a master manipulator, puppeteer. Then started threatening emails to me, which I immediately put to a stop by asking for no further communication and threatening a restraining order. Unfortunately, my partner, as someone who through most of her life has been influenced by the overbearing behavior of a strong and willful parent, found it more difficult to cut off the hate laden emails outlining everything she as a parent was doing wrong for her child. We endured this behavior until we found it so toxic we could not see how in that climate we could facilitate visits between our son and grandparent. Of course, things got worse. Her sister, with similar aged kids decided to jump on her dad's bandwagon and while perhaps using a slightly less offensive tone, has dished out plenty of "you are doing this all wrong", "your child will suffer".
I suppose the dilemma is, we do see that putting children in the middle of adult issues is not great. However, how can one manage a visit between your child and another relative that you cannot even speak with? Don't you have a responsibility as a parent to make sure this relative does not create a toxic environment around your child because of their issues with you?
So far, the grandfather has refused all suggestions of counseling, together or separately, or any kind of mediation. He has not presented any alternatives to our suggestions to try to mend our relationship, or at least get to a point where there is some common understanding. Moreover, his issues have infected the relationship we have with her sister and made it harder to facilitate visits between our child and his cousins. They do get to play, but not as often as everyone would like as the grandfather still plays an active role in his cousins lives.
So, what can a parent or core family do when faced with these challenges. I can't help but thing things would be easier if we lived on opposite sides of the country, but that is not so. We have common friends, and family in our city. There are a few family functions per year, like holidays and birthdays that make things difficult and uncomfortable. We've tried the best we can so far, but outside resistance has been consistent.
What can you do when your outside family does not respect the choices you make as a parent? When they dislike who you've chosen as partner and co-parent to your child? Understandably, using our child as a carrot does not seem ideal, but we feel there is no other leverage to use to have control over the situation. A grandfather is not the same as a father. I believe we have the right, or at least she does, as a parent, to restrict contact if certain conditions of respect are not met. If someones behavior is out of control and their communication is only hurtful and disrespectful. It is hard to trust someone with responsibilities of guardianship when there is lack of positive communication and such a high level of dysfunction.
I admit if it were the child's father in the place of the grandfather, everything would be different, unless perhaps the actions were directly harmful to the child's health and safety. But it is not. We are dealing with a parent's father, and a parents sibling who seem resistant to all things that are not done in accordance with "their way".
Any input would be appreciated. This is a very hard situation for us. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Cedar
